Ch-Ch-Changes

I guess given my last post, that it is safe to say that I have been feeling out of sorts since Rob’s heart attack.  This is totally understandable…but it wasn’t to me.
I didn’t know what to feel, because this has never happened before.  I felt like I had to be the strongest person on the planet and play super hero because he was the one that had a major health issue.  He was the “weak” party in our partnership now and I had to therefore take over all the duties of the household…whatever that means.
Long story short – I was a hot mess.  A red hot mess.  I would be strong at home and pretend like everything was okay and spend my day at work having panic attacks and crying jags like they were going out of style.
I was in a constant state of panic.  There was nothing else for me.  I didn’t just fall into “My Crazy” this time.  I held my nose and jumped right in.
It was horrible and exhausting and I knew I couldn’t keep it up.
After a little bit of research, I signed up for some online therapy.  I’m not stranger to therapy, having done an 8 year stint in my late teens/early 20’s.  I know that it works for me, but it’s so expensive and who has time to go into a weekly session?
The online therapy was much cheaper than in person when you took into consideration that you can write to them whenever you want and as much as you want and they would address your issues at least once a workday.
I have to say that so far it is really working for me.  The first thing that my therapist asked me was what I was doing to take care of myself after Rob’s heart attack.
Wait, what?  Take care of myself??  Um, I’m doing all I can just to make sure everything is going smoothly and Rob is doing okay.
She put a voice to the thought in my head that kept saying: “Everyone keeps asking how Rob is doing, but what about how I”M doing???”  It felt so selfish to think that, but she told me it was totally valid and normal.  What a relief!
On her suggestion, I started to research mediation and self hypnosis.  I’ve been dabbling in that this week and I have to say I am feeling a lot better.  It’s a combination of things actually.
I’ve cut out caffeine, which only fed my anxiety.  Instead of coffee in the morning, I drink a steaming mug of Roiboos tea and I love it.  It has a naturally calming effect and relaxes me.  I have started lightly meditating with the help of an app on my phone, the same with some hypnotherapy session.  I just started that the other day so I’m not sure how well that will go.  It’s more for my specific anxiety of flying/driving, but on Thursday night I used the deep sleep session and holy cow did I wake up more refreshed than I have in weeks!
I’m taking my vitamins.  The only thing I haven’t gotten around to is exercising again, but I will.  I have faith.
So my initial reaction to the online counseling is a hearty thumbs up.  It’s not for everyone obviously – but as a person who would rather express herself on the page instead of face to face, this is perfect for me and I see myself benefiting it from it a lot.