So many crazies

So much has been going on in my head lately that very few people have been privy to.  Once I lay it all out, you are going to wish you weren’t privy to it now.  🙂
It’s no real secret that since Rob had his heart attack in November, that I have been sure I have been having one as well, at various intervals in time.  I have a panic disorder.  I am also a hypochondriac.  Put those two together and get ready for some amazing overreacting.
What I didn’t really realize is that I had probably been fearing the heart attack long before Rob had one.  This is because panic attacks can cause chest pain and heart palpitations.  I have been having these in varying degrees for years because of the anxiety.
The reality that my husband did indeed have a heart attack, just made all those fears come to the forefront and NEVER leave.
Once we got Rob squared away, I realized that I needed to get myself checked out.  I hadn’t had blood work done or a physical performed since I don’t even know when.  So I got a new doctor and started the process.  She gave me a blood lab order which I promptly ignored until it was time to refill my antidepressant and they said they needed to see me and have the results of the labs.  Damn.
So I sucked it up and went in.
Please keep in mind that I have been in the throws of some major upper level anxiety for months.  I have been CONVINCED that I am about to/having a heart attack at least three times a day.  I am aware enough to know that it COULD be a panic attack and that is what has kept me from going to the ER.  I can’t financially afford an ER visit for a panic attack.
I did find after a friend had mentioned it and I read it in Wil Wheaton’s blog, that there could be relief in CBD oil.  Not THC, or anything that gets you high, but a tincture of CBD that you hold under your tongue for a few seconds and then swallow.  It has been known to show many improvements for people suffering from anxiety and depression.
I got me some and the first day I took it, it was amazing!  I felt NORMAL.  I didn’t even know what it felt like to feel normal anymore!  I not only went to the grocery store that day, but I went to TWO of them.  I went to the one that was further in to Carmel and not on my “safe driving route” for my anxiety — and I WAS FINE!  Good even!

I used the oil that Monday when I got my blood work done and tried to find the right dosage and reaction through that week.  I had days when I felt it worked better than others, but I also had days when nothing could touch my panic.
Like the day of my docs visit to go over my blood work results.  I woke up to find that the lab’s app had delivered the results to me.  I looked them up and discovered my cholesterol was REALLY high.  My LDL was 150.  INSTANT PANIC ATTACK that lasted all day.  High cholesterol means heart attack, this was proving my theory!  Nothing helped me that day.  Or more than likely, they HAD helped me from suffering a full and total mental meltdown.
When I finally got to the doctors, she said that she wanted me to get a CT scan to check for calcification.  She said that some people can have high LDL, but no calcification.  If it came back with some, she would want to put me on a statin. If not, she would just have me exercise and eat better.
Calcification?  Oh, you mean the arteries that I’m 98% sure are completely plugged up and causing my inevitable heart attack?  You want me to confirm that?  Crap.
I called the next day to set up my CT Scan and was told they couldn’t get me in until July 11th.  Great, I can now look forward to three weeks of panic attacks(at the time).
Long story short, they ended up calling me last week to say they needed to up my appointment due to construction and them shutting the office down that week.  Could I come in on Wednesday morning.
So I did.
Got the results late afternoon on Thursday.  CT scan was normal.  No calcification.
I haven’t felt that level of relief in a VERY long time.   Well, maybe when I found out that Rob was okay after his angioplasty.
And just like that, the panic attacks stopped.  The chest pain, the palpitations, the freakouts…all gone.
I’m not saying I will never experience them again because I do have a panic disorder, but for now, this is heaven.
Of note, in my blood work, my doctor told me vitamin D was next to nothing.  I was at 12.  Vitamin D deficiency can cause anxiety and depression.  I started taking my vitamin D last Tuesday I believe.  I do believe it helped me in feeling better, but mostly it was knowing I’m not going to drop any second of a heart attack.  *knocks wood*
It’s funny to tell the story now, but this was for real kids.  This was the kind of crazy shit that was going on in my brain on a daily basis for MONTHS.   It was crippling to me.

Since Thursday evening, I have felt fine.  I even worked out this morning for the first time in forever.  I have been legit afraid to do any form of exercise, even walking, for fear that it would trigger the heart attack that I have been harboring for months now.
I cannot express how freeing and amazing this makes me feel.
I will still keep the CBD oil around as well as some passionflower extract that my friend Jenn recommended for anxiety because they both work and I am known to have acute anxiety when it comes to travel by flight or by car.  Since we are driving to Vegas in December and flying to Maine again next year, I’m hoping they will come in handy for those situations.
Seriously dude, I can’t even tell you how it feels to be out from that debilitating anxiety.  I hope it lasts.

To sum up, I have high cholesterol.
I have been diligent this week in cutting back on saturated fats.  When Rob and I started low carb at his cardiologists suggestion, we went a bit off the chart.  BACON!  CHEESE!  CHEESE COVERED BACON!! So we are working on eliminating processed meats and cheese.  More chicken and fish and less pork rinds.  🙂  Plus, now that I am no longer waiting for my heart attack, *knocks wood* I will start working out again which is what my doctor wants me to do to lower the cholesterol.
I go to see her in another three months, where I will have blood work done again right before the visit in hopes that it has been lowered.