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I'm not doing so well. Pappy Update

Pappy’s tumor has gotten quite large.  What started as a little bump, slowly grew to the size of a plum and then rather rapidly to the size of a lemon.  Even faster it reached the size of an avocado.

We decided to have him checked out again at that vets.  We haven’t changed our minds as far as treatments go, but we wanted to get their opinion since it had gotten so large and he had been wanting to lick it lately.

They ran some blood work and the results weren’t great.  His liver levels were off the charts.  They were supposed to be in the 100 something range and they were at a shocking 4000 reading.  I don’t understand medical mumbo jumbo, but the vet was pretty sure it has spread throughout his body.

The good news was that his heart and lungs look good.  He’s still in good shape other than his arthritic butt and hind quarters – but that is just age.  He still doesn’t act sick and thanks to the Prednisone, there is NO decrease in appetite.  The end result is that either old age or cancer is going to get him.  They don’t know which one will do it first.  They told us to watch for lack of wanting to eat and rapid weight loss.  They also said that we can leave the tumor alone, but if it gets bigger or starts bother him and he wants to itch it, they can do a drain on it and see if they can remove most of it.  I’m not really interested in having him go under anesthesia again at his advanced age, but we’ll see.   The other possibility is that it could rupture and we would need to have them do that anyway.

They also told us as a natural alternative we could look into something called Turkey Tail Mushroom.  It’s supposed to help boost immune systems and has been showed to help fight cancer.  We got some on Monday and started him on it.  We will see how that goes.

So we are keeping him on the steroid, anti histamine and stomach pills.  I have also added an all natural liver support supplement I got from work and now the Turkey Tail Mushroom.

While Pappy is doing relatively okay other than the whole cancer thing, I am not.

I have never had to deal with this sort of thing.  Yes, we had to put Romie down at 16 years of age and that was the hardest decision I have EVER had to make in all of my life, but it came on suddenly.  It all happened over the course of a couple of days.  He just lost control of his back legs and eventually refused food and water until we had to bring him in and it was the only humane thing to do.  I still hurt from that, but at least it was sudden.

The only other experience I have at losing a close loved one was when my grandparents died, and to deal with that I became bulimic.  I don’t function well with grief.

I’m not good at knowing my dog is going to die soon but not knowing when.  He could go on for a year and that would make me very happy, but the very real possibility is that it could happen much sooner.  I am not handling the situation very well.  I wake up in the middle of the night and put my hand on him just to make sure he’s still breathing.

I literally can’t even talk about this with my husband or friends because I can’t stop bawling long enough to get words out.  Typing seems okay.  I can cry and type at the same time.  That is why I am blogging this.   I need to get this out of my head.

I am not doing well.  When I am not on the verge of tears, my mood can be described as salty at best.  I’m lashing out at friends that don’t deserve it and inwardly seething all the time about things that shouldn’t be a big deal.  Like traffic, or the fact that I can’t find a certain shirt.  We’re talking FULL ON RAGE here people.  I want to punch and kick and hurt things.  This morning I realized I wanted to cut again.  I haven’t cut in at least twenty years but this morning the urge was there just as plain as day.  Cut the skin, let the blood flow, release the pain.

I didn’t and I won’t because I’ve come way to far to resort to that shit, nor will I stick my finger down my throat and throw up the feelings, but it’s a little unnerving to me that it came on like that.  I just don’t know how to deal with this.

And you can tell me it’s just a fucking dog until you are blue in the face, (black and blue, because I will probably punch you if you said that to my face.) but it’s so much more than that.  If you knew just one fraction of love that this dog has given me in the last ten years, you would be openly weeping right now.  I know that every dog owner goes into the adoption process knowing it is only temporary.  They are only with us for a little while, but the quality of that time is so amazing.  If you are not an animal lover, you will never understand.  This is my child.

So yeah…not doing well with this.  I’m tempted to click on one of those online therapy ads I see pop up on facebook.  I did a great deal of therapy in my early adult years and it did me a world of good.  Maybe talking to a stranger about this would help.  I don’t know.

I guess I should just be glad I realize that this is the reason I’ve been feeling so shitty, but no, that doesn’t really help.

There is no real point to this post.  It’s not a cry for help.  I will not cut.  I will not start binging and purging.  It is just a means to try and hash out these emotions and get them out of my head.  I will probably write more of them as the weeks go on.  Please feel free to skip over them.  Life isn’t all sunshine and roses right now.

 

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About Me

 

I am a 40 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy knitting and crocheting, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.

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