Childless, not loveless.

Rob and I have been together for almost 11 years now.

We decided a long time ago that we do not want children.  A lot of people really don’t understand this and I’m not sure why.  I mean, I respect your decision to want to have a family.  So why can’t  you respect mine to go child free?

When we first got together I was on the fence.  I love kids, I always have.  My first job was working at a preschool three days a week and I LOVED it.  I enjoyed playing games with the kids and running around on the playground with them.  I couldn’t wait to have a kid of my own, eventually.  I certainly wasn’t looking to conceive at a young age, but I always just assumed I would be a mom some day.

The older I got, the more the thought of becoming a mommy became less and less of a priority.  I had lots of friends who already had babies and while I loved helping out with them, I noticed the lack of freedom and didn’t really want that for myself at that age.

“At that age” turned out to not be an age at all.  It wasn’t about being a wild kid, or wanting to experience my 20’s at their fullest.  I was just not cut out to be a mom.

After first getting together with Rob and getting married, the assumption that I would have kids came back.  It was programed into me from birth that you get married and you have babies.  We didn’t discuss it other than the fact that we didn’t want to have kids “yet”, so we always used protection.

As the years went by, we had one pregnancy scare that told me I was definitely NOT ready to have kids.  That feeling never went away and at 35 years old, it still stands.  We have always said that if it happens, it happens.  However, we have always taken every precaution to make sure it DOESN’T happen because it isn’t really what we want.

Understand that I have had moments when I have held a friends baby, or watched a sappy movie and I have come away saying to myself that I wanted a baby.  That usually lasts all of about three hours and then I come to the realization that I am far to selfish to have a child.

It sounds horrible to say it, I realize that.  Here is the bottom line:  I love my life.  I love being able to call up Rob on a Wednesday saying that I want to go away for the weekend and boom, we do.  I love to sleep and can’t function unless I get at least eight hours a night, nor would I want to.  I really don’t want to be the person to care for a helpless human life for more than a few hours.  I enjoy my life and I don’t want anything messing with it.

That being said, at least I realize how selfish I am.  I think it is pretty great that I know that, while I know I could be a good mother, it would end up being a burden in my mind.  I’m not afraid to say that while I know I would love my child, I also know I would end up resenting them, and no matter how I tried to hide that from them, kids pick up on that shit.  I don’t want to be the reason my child is in therapy 20 years from now.

As an alternative, Rob and I have always had dogs.  They are our furry children.  They provide us with the unconditional love of a child with less responsibility.  I foresee us always having dogs as they bring us great joy without the burden of finding childcare and such and I am okay with that.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am a happily married woman, I don’t want to have kids and there is no shame in that.