Tales of Withdrawals and Chronic Pain

I think that I need to give myself a break. During the first three weeks of a my antidepressant tapers (or in this case my being off them all together) I cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything more than a simple task.
Anything that gets even the slightest bit complicated sparks a raging fury that is followed by helpless tears and I can’t control it once it starts.
I learned this last night when I had to replace my credit card number on all the places I have it stored. Netflix and Hulu were a snap but Itunes was giving me fits. I realize today that I probably need to update to the newest version…whenever it’s outdated it gives me trouble trying to get to the most simple screen.
I ended up changing it on my phone, but not before damn near overturning my desk and everything on it from sheer anger. I wasted way to much time and put myself in a crap of a mood for no good reason. I just needed to walk away.
That is not an easy thing for a person as stubborn as me to do. So I ended up going bed in an upset state, sleeping poorly and having horrible rage filled dreams.
I just need to NOT.
To give myself some time and walk away when things start to get even the slightest bit difficult. It’s not a permanent thing. In a couple of weeks everything should start evening out and I can go back to being hard on myself if I have to.
Not now. Now is the time to practice self care. Time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head at 6:30 in the evening if I have to. This is not forever.
This will pass and life will get back to normal again. I just need to take it easy on myself until it does.

On that note, I will probably be journaling more to get this shit off my chest. It isn’t fair to my husband for him to be my only emotional punching bag right?
He’s being amazing. So great that every time he comes back with a supportive comment when I’m a seething bitch I feel horrible and dissolve into tears.
I mean, it would be easier if he was being a dick back…I’d at least feel justified.
I totally don’t mean that by the way.

I guess I should talk about the issues that he is going through right now.
About three or four months ago he started getting these random but pretty severe pains. They would travel from his shoulder for two days to his wrist for another two days to his knee to his elbow to his fingers and so on and so forth.
At first I was convinced it was due to the injectible cholesterol meds that his doc had put him on. He had been on them for a few months but one of the side effects was muscle pain. After much nagging on my part he got permission from his cardiologist to stop them for a couple of months to see. It seemed to get better for a small amount of time and then it got much worse.
When the pain traveled to his wrists and fingers he went to his GP, we suspected carpel tunnel and it was all but confirmed by the doc. He told him to get wrist braces and sent him for blood work.
The wrist braces helped a lot but he was still in a lot of pain and it would still move from one random body part to the other.
The blood work came back and the doc told him that he needed to go see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist and gave him a referral.
It took a week to get a hold of the specialist only to be told that he would have to fill out some forms to see if he would be accepted as a patient.
I’m sorry, what??
How does that even work? If you are in the business of helping people you shouldn’t be able to pick and choose who you help. I get it if your practice is full, but that wasn’t the case.
Three weeks later he was rejected as a patient with no reason given.
It turns out that getting into this kind of specialist in our area is not an easy task. It has been almost three months and he still hasn’t been able to get in to anyone yet. The man is in agony 70% of the time but apparently that isn’t a big deal to anyone by he and I.
He is missing work and when he IS at work he is so far behind on his load because he is in too much pain to get it all done.
He is popping Advil like candy and now I’m working about his stomach lining and kidneys because of it.
The worst part of it is because he can’t get seen, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He is just in pain all the time and knows that there is no end in sight.
It’s really putting a strain on everything. His patience is gone and I don’t blame him. He’s gotten better, but he can still be quite snappy when his pain is severe. It’s in my nature to want to try and help and it aggravates him when I keep asking if he is okay or how I can help.
It bothers me a lot to see him in pain all the time and know there is nothing I can do at all to make it go away or even alleviate it a little.
I just want to make everything better for him.
I guess that is what he wants to do for me with my withdrawals too.
Our household is a hot mess right now, but we will get through it.
We will celebrate 19 years married and 20 years together on the 26th of this month.
I love that man with everything I have.

Everything Happens For A Reason.

Everything happens for a reason.  It’s an old saying and it’s a bit cliche, but I have found it to be very true.

I have recently had someone remove themself from my life quite suddenly, and in the most passive aggressive way possible…defriending me from Facebook.  It sounds silly, this happens all the time.  However, this person was like family to me.  Perhaps closer.  I wasn’t the only one she defriended, and my friends told me that should make me feel better, but it didn’t. It made me feel worse, in fact.

For a very long time I couldn’t talk about it.  I went through all the stages of grief that you tend to go through, though not in the usual order.  Disbelief was first, but anger was a very close second.  It was a white hot anger and it hit me hard and fast.  I immediately blocked her from my Facebook account.  This was not the first time she had tried to end our friendship but it was damn sure going to be the last.

I couldn’t talk about it for weeks without tearing up.  My friends that had also been defriended tried to engage me in conversation and I just smiled and shrugged and said: “I’m not ready to talk about that.” or “It is what it is.”

The kicker is that I knew why she did it.  That is not my story to share, but I know why she did.  We all knew.  And when it was pointed out to me by a friend who was trying to be helpful I snapped: “I know that.  I’m aware, but Fuck Her for thinking that our friendship meant so little that she could throw it away over something so stupid.”  Like I haven’t ALWAYS been there for her and NOT judged her.

The truth is that every time I tried to engage her in the weeks prior either backed out at the last minute or flat our said no to my invitation with a flimsy excuse.

So that happened.

Anyhoo, as it turns out that old cliche is pretty accurate.

As time has worn on, I have been seeing a lot of things with clearer eyes.  Enlightened eyes, if you will.  I found out a lot of things that I had suspected in the back of my mind.  Times she had thrown me under the bus at work.  Smack that she talked about me behind my back.  Not to mention the flat out lies that she has told.

All of these things made me take a deeper look at the friendship I thought we had.  And even looking back out our Facebook interactions I see the negativity.  The little digs she would take at me in the “joking banter” that we had.  Her little comments when she didn’t like my hair or my outfit.  Her general negativity for most things that I used to enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that she really did think of me as a friend.  However, with the abruptness that she defriended me I’m not sure if it was the closeness that I thought it had been, but she did enjoy our friendship…that I feel confident of.

My enlightened eyes have, however, afforded me a clarity that seems to keep evolving.  You should never be suspicious about what your friends are saying about you and I always was with her — I later found out for good reason.  I have also, with her absence, begun to embrace things that I used to love before she poisoned my outlook on them.

Recently, a mutual friend of ours called me out on a Facebook post about how I was a horrible friend.  I believe she said something to the effect of the fact that if she could fathom the worst friend in the world, it would be me.  I was really upset.  Not because I really valued this mutual friend but because it showed that lies were being told about me.  And maybe the person telling them even believes them, but as I have been told repeatedly from more that one of my actual friends, no matter what is said, my REAL friends know me and who I am and that is all that really matters in the end.

No one is out to get me.  None of my friends/co-workers/family are actively seeking to destroy me like I was led to believe.  In fact, they very much want me to succeed and shine.  Once I figured this out, my whole outlook changed.

Things in my life are so very different right now.  I am happy.  I am not looking over my shoulder or waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Good things are happening and I am embracing them.  It sounds so very hippie dippie but it’s true.

I’ve been moved to a new position at work that I love!  Rob and I are the most connected we’ve been in a long time and I know for certain in my heart that my friends only want what is best for me and have nothing but happiness for me when I succeed.  I can’t even put into words what a good feeling that is.

Everything DOES happen for a reason.

15 Years Ago

15 years ago I met a man that would change the course of my life as I knew it.  I wouldn’t have thought so, since we met at a tiny little bar called the Holy Cow Brewpub at the end of a night where he had been on a very ambitious pub crawl with friends.

Neither he nor I were thinking we were going to meet our soul-mates that fateful weekend.  I was visiting Las Vegas from Maine and he from Arizona.  We were both just looking for a fun weekend get away with friends.

I’ve told our story a million times.  I’m not willing to go through 100+ posts to see if I have told it on this blog or not, but this is a slightly different story.

15 years ago after a night of drinking and gambling and then sobering up a bit, Rob and I found ourselves on the steps of an exit way near the snack bar at Circus Circus noshing on what would become known as our “White Trash Breakfast”.  It’s a simple recipe, because simple was all the snack bar did back then.  It was a Pastrami sandwich, potato salad, nachos with fake yellow cheese sauce and beer.  We sat on those steps while we talked, laughed and ate that morning and it was glorious.  That was the beginning of our falling in love.

Over the years we have revisited the snack bar at Circus Circus to recreate the meal, swapping beer for soda.  The last time we went back they had completely remodeled the place and we weren’t sure we were even in the right spot.  But they had Pastrami sandwiches, potato salad and nachos with fake yellow cheese sauce so it felt right to us.

The bar that we met at no longer exists, which is sad to me because we also used it as pre-reception watering hole spot 14 years ago after our wedding, when the restaurant we had our reception at wasn’t ready for us yet.   It is as much a part of our history as that white trash breakfast.  But I guess someday that snack bar at Circus Circus may no longer carry Pastrami sandwiches or potato salad or even nachos with fake yellow cheese sauce.

It doesn’t matter, because our history is in us.  Not some location that we went to a few times.  My husband proved that to me tonight when he semi-surprised me by spending an hour in the kitchen tonight recreating our white trash breakfast.   He made a small batch of potato salad, prepared some tortilla chips with fake yellow cheese sauce and we put the pastrami sandwiches together, standing side by side while we laughed and talked.

I’m so glad I sat on those steps and had that white trash breakfast with him 15 years ago.  I’m even more glad that I married him a year later and have spent the last 15 years loving him and our life.



Tomorrow I will have married for 13 years.  Tomorrow also marks the 14 year anniversary of the day I met the man that I’ve been married to that long.

I always said I would never get married.  Growing up the child of a divorce wasn’t really the deciding factor in it.  I just couldn’t fathom the idea of living with someone and getting along with them for the rest of my life.  My  longest relationship before I met my husband was  only six months long.  Six months.  I got bored really easy.  I loved the chase of dating but once the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing happened I was like, NEXT!

Sounds horrible, but it was true.  I wanted to find “the one” and fall head over heels in love but I was a realist and if it hadn’t happened, it probably wasn’t going to.

I didn’t intend to meet a man and fall in love on that trip to Vegas in 1999.  My intention was to have a fun weekend of drinking and gambling with some new friends that I had never actually met and my mom in an exciting city I had never been to before.  And while all of that *did* happen, it was also the weekend I met the love of my life.

He was not physically what I would have said was my type.  He did have the long hair going for him, but he was not something I would have picked out in a line up of men I would say I would have been attracted to.  Having said that, neither was I for him.  But he made me laugh.  The connection was definitely helped out by a couple of his friends(our friends now) who both in turn planted a bug in each of our ears that the other might be attracted to us.

Our first kiss happened on the morning of the night we met.  We had been up all night gambling with those friends until they finally bid us goodbye so they could go to sleep and we were left alone.  He said he would like to walk me to my room and I let him.  Once we were there he asked me if I would like to kiss him.  Damn, no beating around the bush there!  I said that I didn’t know, did he want to kiss me?  He said yes and so we did.  It was a nice kiss.  I was staying in the hotel with my mom so I didn’t invite him in and that was how we left it.

The next day there was more gambling and drinking and kissing.  There were meals and things in between but I mostly remember the kissing.  We were both staying with people in our hotel rooms so it didn’t amount to anything other than making out in the hallway by the ice machine on my floor until a security guard asked if everything was okay.  “Why yes Sir, everything is perfect!”   In our gambling, we had earned enough to get a room of our own but Rob shut me down on that.  In the long run, I’m glad he did.  If we had slept together in Vegas I’m not sure things would have turned out the way that they did.  I might have just chalked it up to what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  Who knows?

When I got back home to Maine there was an email waiting from Rob in my inbox.  It said: “I just got home and my dog kissed me.  You are a better kisser, but he has a longer tongue.”  How could you not fall in love with that??  😀

Over the next month we talked on the phone, emailed and chatted online nonstop.  In September, a month after meeting him, he cashed in his frequent flier miles and came out to Maine to visit me for an extended weekend.   When it was time for him to leave, I dropped him off at the airport and came home to where I was living with my mom.  I walked in the door and she said: “Well?”  I said: “I think I’m moving to Arizona.”  She nodded and said that she figured as much.

A month later in October I got laid off at my job at the bank.  When that happened, Rob extended the invitation to fly me out to live with him in Arizona.  It wasn’t a very hard decision for me to make.  I loved my mom and my friends, and had never lived anywhere other than Maine, but I had fallen hard and fast for this man like no other I had ever met and I knew I would be with him for the rest of my life.

A month later in November we took a Thanksgiving trip out to California for me to meet his family.  While he was giving me a tour of the school that he went to (Stevenson) he proposed to me.   We were in the chapel.  I was up on the part where the preacher stands looking at all the stained glass windows when the clock started chiming twelve noon.  I turned around and Rob was on one knee, ring extended.

So that was it.  From meeting to engagement in three months.  When you know, you know.  We were married in Las Vegas a year to the day that we met.

Tomorrow we will have known each other 14 years and been married for 13.  I can’t imagine anything else.

A Weekend To Myself.

So once a summer a couple that Rob and I are friendly with through the theater throw a great big party at their house in the country.  They live even further out than we do.  It’s only ten miles away from our house but it feels like way more.

Rob attended last year alone because I had theater commitments.  He said it was HOT!  Stifling hot, with no breeze.  And while he enjoyed himself there was a long period of boredom on that Saturday for him because he hadn’t been prepared for the heat.  He had been prepared to take a nap in the tent but the heat proved that not to be an option.  So he read.  My husband doesn’t read, so you KNEW he had to be bored.  That night however there was much music jamming and he was a happy guy.

I had no theater commitments this year but given his account of the heat and boredom I opted to stay home with the dogs this time.  It saved us from either having to burden his parents with watching the dogs or paying money to board them at the vets.  I wasn’t that into the idea of camping in 100 degree weather and then watching a bunch of people play music.

So last night we stopped at the market and got sandwiches.  One or Rob so he would have a good hearty dinner that night and one for me so I wouldn’t have to cook.  We came home and Rob packed everything up for his camping trip.

In doing so he made a lot of noise.  Loud banging and grunting and exclamations.  None of this was bad but all of a sudden Pappy jumped up on the couch and clung to my side.  He could not be consoled.  The nearest I can figure is he thought Rob was mad and it made him nervous.  He is a very sensitive little dog.  As I’ve said before, we think he was abused at the hands of a man before we adopted him.  We don’t know for sure of course, but when we first got him you couldn’t move your hands too fast around him or he would crouch in fear.  You also couldn’t touch his tail, ears or feet without him snapping at you.  He has come a long way over the years of us loving him but last night only validated our thoughts of abuse.  He was so scared that Rob was mad that he wouldn’t leave my lap, constantly licking at any part of me that he could get(he licks when he’s nervous).

Finally I made mention to Rob of what was happening and he came over and sat with us on the couch.  Pappy allowed him to pet him from where he was on my lap but wouldn’t go towards him at all.  Poor little guy.

Rob eventually left and the dogs then kept vigil at the door waiting for him to return for about fifteen minutes.  After that they got up on the couch and looked at me accusingly as if to ask what I had done to drive their father away.  Finally they settled in and we watched Glee all night.  It isn’t one of Rob’s favorite shows so it was nice to know I could watch it without bothering him.

This morning the dogs woke up to their internal alarm clocks as they always do at five thirty AM.  Normally Rob gets up and feeds them and takes them out but with him not here I realized I had to haul my lazy ass out of bed.  I took them out and then fed them and put myself back to bed.  The dogs wrestled next to me for a while and I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a bit until they settled down so I read until about seven and then fell back asleep.

Woke around nine thirty.  I didn’t want to, but the dogs decided it was time to go back outside again.

I ate some of my leftover sandwich and then played Candy Crush Saga for like an hour and a half(SHUT UP!  It’s addicting!).  After eleven I knew the library was open so I hopped in the car and headed over there but even though their website said they had the book I wanted, they did not so I grabbed a copy of “Sh*t My Dad Says” for bathroom reading and came home.

The rest of the day has been pretty unexciting.  I scooped the poop in the yard and then cut down all the grape leaves along our fence.  A shower and redesigned the layout for this blog.  The rest of the night should prove relaxing and uneventful.  I plan on finishing Mockingjay and going to bed early.  This sinus thing has come back with a vengeance and I’m not happy about that.

Sooooo, in review:

I totally take for granted the fact that Rob gets up with the dogs every morning -even weekends- and let’s me sleep in as late as I possibly can.

Also I find myself jumping at shadows and locking the door every single time I come back in.  It’s worth noting that when I was outside picking dog poop the metal fence gate thingie that closes off our driveway opened about a foot and then slammed shut on it’s own.  THERE WAS NO ONE THERE!  That really kinda freaked me out.  *shudder*

In general the time to myself is good, but I kinda miss having him to talk to.  Even when I took weekends to myself in a hotel room I would call him or text him.  Right now he has no phone coverage where he is.  🙁  Yeah, after almost 14 years together even less than two days apart and I miss him.  <3


I love that he cares…

I love my husband so much. I love how much he cares and feels.
Rob is a musician. Occasionally he works with other musicians that he wants to keep in contact with. Two years ago he played a gig with a band out of California but not local. When he found out that they had spent the previous night sleeping on the beach because they tour out of their van he extended an offer that if they were ever in the area again they could crash at our place.
Two years later they are coming through Monterey as they start a tour in Oregon. They asked if they could crash on our floor.
Now, I’ve never met them and I’m not exactly stoked with strangers sleeping on my property but I do think it is rude to extend and offer and then take it back. Plus I think my husband is a pretty good judge of character(he married me right?) so I agreed that they could stay.
Rob told them that they could come and that we would BBQ.
They responded that two of them were Vegetarians.
Rob being Rob, has set about making a Vegetarian feast for these guys. My Vegan taco soup is currently simmering on the stove. He will BBQ chicken and bacon but for the most part he is going to set up a baked potato and nacho bar. We have procured all the fixings for baked potato toppings as well as nachos. We have artichokes to be grilled on the BBQ with a nice selection of veggies.
He found out what they like to drink and so our fridge is stocked with coke and cranberry juice and our bar is stocked with Rum.
His only goal in all of this is to send them off on a tour where they will be comfortable and well rested. He is planning on sending them off with a cooler and all the leftovers they can pack in the van so that they don’t have to stop for food the first couple of meals.
They will not crash on our floor but they will have our bed, couch and air mattress if they so choose. We will sleep in the upper house(while this sounds like a selfless act, it actually involves a lot less cleaning and therefore makes our lives easier.)
He just thinks of all these things. There is absolutely no benefit for him to do this. The only thing it does is make him feel good by getting these guys out on a good start.
I will probably not meet them. They are coming in around nine tonight and I will probably be in bed already given this sinus thing I’m currently fighting. But I know they will be well taken care of.
Rob is truly a good host.

Five Things I Would Have A Tough Time Living Without

I was originally going to title this as 5 things I couldn’t live without but then I started taking it way too literally and thinking that while I am quite fond of some of these things, I would in fact be able to live without them. It wouldn’t be easy, but I wouldn’t DIE without them. If I were to make that list it would be things like: Air, water, food…not that interesting of a list.


1) My husband

We will have been together for 13 years in August. Before I met him I can easily say that I was very much that girl that never wanted to get married. I was a child of a messy divorce and was raised from age 12 by my mother and her best friend that was also going through a divorce at the same time. Oh the horror stories my poor adolescent brain heard. I don’t blame my mom, she was going through a very hard time and didn’t know how else to react.

I had boyfriends as an adult but the longest relationship I had was 6 months in duration. I would just get bored easily. I loved the chase and then once I landed them it got old fast.

It took me exactly one weekend to figure out that Rob was the one for me and I was going to uproot my entire life on the east coast to move all the way across the country because I couldn’t live without him.

We have had our ups and downs as any relationship does but I am happy to report that there are usually more ups than downs. We compliment and adapt to each other’s personalities and make a pretty good fit I think. I have traveled without him and it’s not like I sit there and miss him the whole time, but it sure is nice to come home to him when the trip is done.

2) My Dogs

I am a dog person. Anyone who has met me for even a short amount of time will undoubtedly have already seen a picture of my dogs. They are in fact my children, and yes I am THAT girl that baby talks to her dogs, buys them outfits and refers to herself as their “mommy”. Not ashamed! I should also mention that no matter how spoiled they are, my dogs are well trained and are really good doggies. They want nothing more than to get up in my lap and shower my face with kisses. Where else can you get that sort of unconditional love? And if you said kids you are only half right. If you have ever told a child they couldn’t have or do something then you have probably dealt with the “pouting child” or the “angry child” that will backtalk and or ignore you when you try to hug them. Nope, not with dogs! I can scold my dog for misbehaving and two seconds later she is happy to be back up in my lap giving me love.

3) Music

“I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water.” — Ray Charles

That pretty much sums it up. Music is so incredibly universal. It can change your mood in a matter of seconds, but it good or bad. I confess that I cannot play an instrument. I have tried to learn several and I have failed miserably at them all. That doesn’t stop me however, from truly appreciating the magnificence of music in all its forms. I have my favorites of course, everyone does, but I don’t think I could ever really hate something that was musical. I’ve often said that if I had to choose between being deaf or being blind I would have to choose blind because I don’t think I could handle never hearing music again.

4) Writing


I’ve written short stories since I was a kid. I never really knew why I felt the need to other than I LOVED to read and if I couldn’t find the subject that I wanted to read about, I wrote it.

I have ALWAYS kept a diary. I remember as an adolescent having an ivory colored one that had one tiny page for each day of the week and a cheesy gold lock on the front that never kept my brother out of it. Not that I had much to write about at that age. It was more of a review of what I had done that day kind of thing. As I hit my teenage years I would spew pages and pages of angst into notebooks that I would hide in locking cedar chest that used to belong to my mother when she was a kid. I have since thrown them out because I’m embarrassed at the amount of self pity and lack of self confidence in those spiral bound pads of paper. I know that it is every teenager’s rite of passage to go through all of that hell, and it REALLY does feel like hell at that time, but looking back it was never as bad as I made it out to be. I would have never listened to someone that tried to tell me that at the time though…probably would have written about them with venom in my journal.

I go through long periods of time when I don’t write at all. If I were to sit down and research it, I would probably find that those periods usually coincide with my periods of depression. When I resume writing, I always feel lighter. Be it just a short story or a small blog entry. I feel a certain release with every line I write. It is a healing hobby for sure, so no matter how long I go without doing it, I could never give it up completely.

5) Laughter

I love to laugh. The second thing I noticed about my husband was the fact that he made me laugh. In case you are wondering, the first thing I noticed was his hair. I am a sucker for long hair on a guy and he has the most gorgeous strawberry blond curls.

I love the kind of laughter where you can’t catch your breath. My mother and I can get into such giggle fits that we literally start crying. Big sobbing tears because we can’t stop. It’s usually over the stupidest thing like her mispronouncing a word or snorting when she laughed. God I love that.

I also love to make people laugh. Growing up a painfully shy child I have to say I have come out of my shell by leaps and bounds. I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor and it really brings me joy to make another person laugh. It’s usually at a snarky comment I make which can tend to lead people to believe I’m not always the nicest person. However, if you get to know me, you will find that my sarcasm is usually all in fun. Unless you piss me off. Then I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but that is a whole other blog entry.

It is a corny old saying, but I do REALLY believe that laughter IS the best medicine.

Phoenix Trip Review Part One

For those that aren’t familiar with our trip, we headed back to Phoenix this weekend.  The reason behind our journey is that a local band that we used to follow was getting back together for one final show and Rob was one of the opening acts for it.  This was a pretty big deal for him and I was happy to support him on this.  🙂

Rob let me sleep in as late as he could Thursday morning but finally had to rouse me, and then it was up and showering and finishing the final packing details.  While I was showering, Rob deposited our furry babies to the vets where Shilo was scheduled to get fixed on Saturday(poor baby)anyway.  This was our first time leaving her and it was kinda hard but I know she is in good hands.  The vets LOVE our dogs there and totally spoil them.

We made it out of the house with no drama and thankfully the traffic into San Jose was light so we made it in no time.

Everything was going smoothly through security until I realized I forgot about the liquid rule. I had visions of tossing out all my make up and an expensive trip to the store until I was able to scrounge a plastic baggie out of the bottom of my purse(finally, a bonus to puppy training cleanups!) so I didn’t have to throw away perfectly good make up.

Other than that, security was uneventful.  I guess I am unsure of what the big deal is on the new pat down procedures.  If you go through one of those scanner deals you don’t even have to worry about it.  It’s not much different than going through the metal detector other than having to strike a pose and wait for just a second to have them review the scan.  It was very painless.

The flight was good.  It was a little nerve wracking for me during take off because I hadn’t flown in a while but Rob was a doll.  Hugging on me and being silly to make me laugh.  I adore that he can totally crack me up even when I want to be nervous/mad/sad  🙂

Once we were safe on the ground in Phoenix, we gathered our bags and caught the shuttle over to the rental car place to pick up Chevy’s answer to the PT Cruiser.  I think it is called an HHR or something like that and it was pretty nice for a rental car.  Probably not something that we would purchase though, since we are currently in the market for a new car, the engine wasn’t strong enough for our needs.

With our car secured, I placed a call to DD to let her know we were on the way and then put Caryn’s address into the GPS on Robs phone.  The GPS proceeded to give us the longest directions EVER to get there as it avoided all freeways for no apparent reason.  It was a bit of a pain in the butt but we decided that we were on vacation and not in any hurry so we weren’t going to let it ruin the day.

DD had to jump on a conference call as soon as we got there so we hung out with Caryn and discussed what to do with our evening.  It turned out they had built a new Indian casino about a half a mile from her house so the decision was a pretty easy one to make.  🙂
Once DD was off her call we headed out to lose some money. I texted Renee on the way there and she agreed to meet us there.  I was shocked at how many ppl were there on a Thursday night, yet we still managed to find some machines together and deposit some money into the Gila River community.  Around nine thirty I realized I was starving.  The original plan was to get some killer Thai food from this place around the corner from Caryn’s but I guess they closed at nine.  Renee suggested a Chinese place nearby but DD and Caryn were tired so they bailed leaving us to go it alone to Phoenix Palace where we ordered and ate some fantastic yuminess.    We all split sweet and sour chicken, beef chow fun and crab puffs and still had enough leftovers to make at least one more meal.  We sent said leftovers home with Renee and headed back to Caryn’s house where we crashed hard.

Friday morning Rob woke up and got ready to go meet up with his old college buddy Vince.  He woke me up when he left around eight thirty so I decided to get up and face the day.  DD was at work but Caryn was awake.  She works from home so we were able to hang out all day and chat and catch up and it was awesome.

There are very few friends that I have had in my life where you can go for months, even YEARS without speaking.  Not through any faults in the friendship, simply because life gets busy and you don’t have time to talk, yet you once you finally DO get together, it’s like no time has passed at all.  Ever.  DD, Caryn and Renee are these kinds of friends and I adore them with all my heart.

So Caryn and I ate cookies, chatted, smoked and laughed our asses off as we watched the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” on demand until Renee showed up.

Renee took me out for a late lunch at Olive Garden where we caught up and ate ourselves sick.  If you have never had the Lasagna Fritta’s at Olive Garden…Holy Crap!  HEAVEN!  Anyway, we finished eating and then headed to TJ Maxx.  Renee needed an outfit for the show that night and my purse was threatening to bust a strap and fall of my shoulder.

For very little money we both found what we were looking for and headed back to Caryn’s so I could get ready for the show.


Childless, not loveless.

Rob and I have been together for almost 11 years now.

We decided a long time ago that we do not want children.  A lot of people really don’t understand this and I’m not sure why.  I mean, I respect your decision to want to have a family.  So why can’t  you respect mine to go child free?

When we first got together I was on the fence.  I love kids, I always have.  My first job was working at a preschool three days a week and I LOVED it.  I enjoyed playing games with the kids and running around on the playground with them.  I couldn’t wait to have a kid of my own, eventually.  I certainly wasn’t looking to conceive at a young age, but I always just assumed I would be a mom some day.

The older I got, the more the thought of becoming a mommy became less and less of a priority.  I had lots of friends who already had babies and while I loved helping out with them, I noticed the lack of freedom and didn’t really want that for myself at that age.

“At that age” turned out to not be an age at all.  It wasn’t about being a wild kid, or wanting to experience my 20’s at their fullest.  I was just not cut out to be a mom.

After first getting together with Rob and getting married, the assumption that I would have kids came back.  It was programed into me from birth that you get married and you have babies.  We didn’t discuss it other than the fact that we didn’t want to have kids “yet”, so we always used protection.

As the years went by, we had one pregnancy scare that told me I was definitely NOT ready to have kids.  That feeling never went away and at 35 years old, it still stands.  We have always said that if it happens, it happens.  However, we have always taken every precaution to make sure it DOESN’T happen because it isn’t really what we want.

Understand that I have had moments when I have held a friends baby, or watched a sappy movie and I have come away saying to myself that I wanted a baby.  That usually lasts all of about three hours and then I come to the realization that I am far to selfish to have a child.

It sounds horrible to say it, I realize that.  Here is the bottom line:  I love my life.  I love being able to call up Rob on a Wednesday saying that I want to go away for the weekend and boom, we do.  I love to sleep and can’t function unless I get at least eight hours a night, nor would I want to.  I really don’t want to be the person to care for a helpless human life for more than a few hours.  I enjoy my life and I don’t want anything messing with it.

That being said, at least I realize how selfish I am.  I think it is pretty great that I know that, while I know I could be a good mother, it would end up being a burden in my mind.  I’m not afraid to say that while I know I would love my child, I also know I would end up resenting them, and no matter how I tried to hide that from them, kids pick up on that shit.  I don’t want to be the reason my child is in therapy 20 years from now.

As an alternative, Rob and I have always had dogs.  They are our furry children.  They provide us with the unconditional love of a child with less responsibility.  I foresee us always having dogs as they bring us great joy without the burden of finding childcare and such and I am okay with that.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am a happily married woman, I don’t want to have kids and there is no shame in that.


Waking up this morning did not appear to be unlike any other weekend morning.  I slept in and was awoken when my husband and the dog crawled back in bed.  I woke up slowly playing around with the dog and joking with Rob.  It is how I usually wake up on the weekends and it is a very pleasant way to wake up. 

After wrestling around with the dog I noticed something black hanging from his collar.  We had recently put on a “silencer” for his tags that was also black so I thought maybe it had come loose.  Upon further inspection I noticed something silver hanging on it. 

I was still pretty sleepy so I thought maybe I wasn’t seeing what I thought I was seeing because it looked like a diamond ring hanging on a black Velcro strap.

“What is on his collar?”  I asked as I reached closer and picked up the strap as Pappy wiggled around.

Rob was silent.

“What is it?”  I finally was able to grasp the ring.  There it was.  A simple diamond ring on a silver band.  Gorgeous!

The back story to this is that when Rob and I 1st got engaged, I used a diamond ring that I had found in my grandmothers jewelry box after her passing as my ring.  It was important to me to have that ring but I also used to joke that Rob had gotten off pretty cheap on the the whole engagement ring thing.  🙂

In August of this year Rob and I have been planning to renew our vows for our ten year anniversary. 

As I struggled to get the ring off the Velcro strap Rob said that since he never got me an engagement ring the first time, he wanted to give me this ring in hopes that I would marry him all over again.

I immediately teared up and said YES!  Of  course I would!!!  We both got emotional and he finally had to help me with the strap to get the ring off.  I removed my anniversary ring and put it on my finger.  It is a little snug but actually not a bad fit.  (inspiration to drop a few more pounds.)

I couldn’t believe it!  I had truly not expecting this at all.  I absolutely love it!  Moreover, I love that after ten years together that he would still ask me to marry him all over again.  I mean, we had only known each other for three months when he proposed the first time.  He had no clue what he was getting into with me.  Hehe.  He has no excuse now after living with me for a decade.  🙂

I love him and am more than happy to take him as my husband all over again.

About Me


I am a 40 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy knitting and crocheting, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.

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