Health
First Day of Chemo
Today was my very first day of chemotherapy.
Woke up and got an hour of cardio in (walking at a very high incline since my port still hurts too much to run/jump around.
Showered and then we were ready to go.
The chemo place is conveniently located in the business park that Rob works in so he drove me there, got me settled in my chair (he was only allowed to come in to help me settle in but no visitors are actually allowed in there for the chemo treatments) and away we went.
The thing that I have been most worried about is that somehow the chemo port wasn’t going to work correctly. They told me at the hospital that they tested it after putting it in and everything but I am not only a hypochondriac, but I also think that the worst is going to happen to me in any given situation, so you do the math…
I was prescribed some lidocaine cream for my port entrance to ease with the stick when I got there so I applied that before I left the house and covered it with saran wrap per their orders.
My appointment time was 9:30. I think it was around ten that they came by and hooked up my port to take some blood work. The way that they work is they have to check your labs before the chemo to make sure your body is ready to handle it. If the labs come back too low, they have to reschedule you to try again. Thankfully no issues since this was my first time.
My nurse walked me through everything she was doing and because she knew I was nervous about the port, she was extra careful to let me know every step of the way what she was going to do. Thanks to the numbing cream, I didn’t feel the needle go in and I’m ever so grateful for that.
Once she took the blood she ran it to the lab and we had to wait 30-45 minutes to get the results and since they were good, we were good to go.
The first things they gave me were a steroid, an anti nausea med and a shot to help stave off any stomach cramps or diarrhea. That took about 30-45 minutes, I think, it could have been an hour.
Once those were done I got the actual chemo. I had two 
different bags done at an hour and a half each. The second one is the one that is supposed to make me really sensitive to cold and I think I am feeling that a little just now because my room temp water in this house is kind of cold because it’s only like 65 in here so while I haven’t drunk it yet to see what happens, it made my fingers tingle a bit when I picked up the bottle. A little weird.
Around 3:15 they finished up the last bag and got me fitted for my pump. It’s basically a little fluid sphere that will pump out over the next 46 hours with no battery or electricity and then I go back at three on Wednesday to get it removed and my line flushed until the next round of chemo.
Things I noticed during the actual infusion:
I got twitchy.
My eyes will get twitchy if I’m over tired, stressed or both. That is typically the only time I notice that. And it’s usually one or the other. Both eyes got a little twitchy as well as my right index finger.
I got shaky.
This is ongoing and I noticed it a couple of hours in. I don’t get shaky usually so it was noticeable, like I when I forget to eat (which NEVER happens) but I had eaten plenty so I know that’s not it.
Mother of all hot flashes.
About a half an hour or an hour into the first chemo bag I got sweaty! Now, they have taken me off my HRT and I am currently on the 6th day (!!!) of spotting on my period (which as a sub-category, turned into a full blown period today during chemo) so I get that part of it was probably hormones but it lasted until I got home just now and got into less clothes and a cooler temperature house.
Dye Eyes.
This is ongoing as well, I got this towards the end, just very gritty dry eyes.
I’m just now starting to get the hints of nausea so I think I’m going to take some of my anti-nausea meds in a few minutes (not allowed to take the zofran for a couple of days as that is what they put in my IV this morning but I have something called Compazine I can take).
So that is the long and the short of my chemo session at the care center today. The pump is sitting in a mini fanny pack strapped to my chest as I type this propped up on pillows in bed.
They said the steroid might make it kind of hard to sleep tonight so we’ll see how that goes.
I’ll update if anything fun, icky or interesting happens. Happy First Chemo Day!!!
Updates and shit…
I guess I’m getting used to my port…
A little.
But it still freaks me out because it is a foreign object IN MY BODY that I can SEE THROUGH THE SKIN and that is NOT FUCKING NORMAL!
Blech.
It still hurts but I was able to work out a bit and do a small amount of running today so I guess it’s healing okay?
Had my education meeting with the chemo peeps on Tuesday and I think it went well. The NP was really sweet and kept telling us that no questions were stupid and never made us feel like we were being dumb or asking too many things. I didn’t feel as overwhelmed as I did the first time I talked with the oncologist so progress?
According to the side effects sheets, with my particular chemo cocktail, I’m either going to be constipated or shitting my brains out. Puking or nauseated. Mouth sores, which I kind of knew about from TV but also those sores can appear from any place along that track that goes from your mouth all the way to your anus (fun!). It’s possible I’m going to be allergic to cold things. Like not sensitive, allergic. The NP said her sister had this same ingredient and she had a sip of ice water once and her entire mouth and jaw froze up and she couldn’t talk for a couple of hours. She also got into a car once where the air conditioner was blasting and her eyes swole shut. The funniest one to me is that my bodily fluids (all of them!) are going to be toxic. I told my husband that I’m going to be toxic in more ways than just my personality now!
The thing that bothers me right now about the chemo is the unknown. I don’t know how my body is going to react to it so I can’t really plan anything.
Yesterday was my last day at work for awhile.
For more reasons then I want to type out here, I’m going on disability on Monday when I start my chemo. I don’t really want to talk about it right now, but I want to chronicle everything so I’m putting it in here.
My brain is not a great place to be the last couple of days.
Chemo Ports and Birthdays
Today I got my chemo port implanted in my chest/neck.
This was probably the procedure I’ve been most scared of (other than the actual whipple surgery) because they are actually putting a foreign object into my vascular system but it turned out to be the easiest so far.
I showed up at the hospital around 7:30, signed in and was taken back almost immediately after sitting down in the waiting room. They took me to a room in radiology that had about six beds lined up, three on each side, all curtained off. I was given a personal items bag and a wrist band (I’m really getting quite a collection on both of those) and of course the ever flattering hospital gown that opens in the back. I was told I could keep my bottoms on but everything above the waist had to go. Before I could change, the doctor came in and explained the procedure to me.
He had a little book with a physical example of the port and how it would look and feel under the skin, which while it gave me the wiggins, I found helpful. He explained that they would be implanting it in my right side because that has been proven to be the most efficient and that goes into my chest and has a tube that goes into my neck (vein?). I didn’t know about the neck part and that really started to freak me out.
He left and I changed and laid down. The nurse came in and started my IV and it was the most painless one I’ve had put in since this whole journey started so I was very grateful for that. Once she was done it was about a 10 or 15 minutes of waiting that felt like forever because I could hear every little thing that all the other patients in the room were going through and since I’m very empathetic I was starting to get more anxiety from what they were going through as well.
Finally, a nurse came out and wheeled me into the room where the magic was going to happen.
I had initially been told when I had the meeting with my oncologist that I would be knocked out for this surgery but that was not the case. Turns out it was more of a relax/twilight kind of situation and I wasn’t a fan of knowing that I was going to be awake when they cut into me.
They gave me some antibiotics, anti anxiety medicine and finally fentanyl through my IV and suddenly I no longer cared if I was going to be awake or not. I just sort of drifted for the next 20 minutes or so and then they were done. I was wheeled back to the room I started in and left to sleep it off. I was probably out for like a half an hour or so when the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to eat.
They brought me a tray with scrambled eggs, some potatoes and a small thing of raisin bran which I ate all of because I think that fentanyl might give you the munchies…
Once I ate and was a little less groggy, they came in and explained my aftercare. Bandage on the port stays on for three days but the bandaid on my neck can come off tonight. I’m allowed to shower because the bandage is supposedly waterproof but if I notice it getting wet underneath I’m just to remove it altogether. Under the bandage there is some purple glue that will start to flake off once the bandage is removed and might take a week or so to come off completely.
No lifting above ten pounds. No exercise where I move my arm over my head too much but I was told running is okay. It should take about 30 days to heal completely but I can probably start exercising with arm movement in about a week.
That was it, I was told to get dressed and I got walked out to Rob where he drove me home.
I was still quite groggy/high on the way home and promptly passed out when I got to the house.
So there we are.
It’s starting to hurt a bit now, more like a muscle soreness than anything. They didn’t give me any pain meds but I still have some from the last two procedures and I haven’t had to use them yet, Advil has been keeping things cool so far.
Tomorrow, if I’m still feeling okay I will go back to work. I will leave early for an “education” appointment at the oncologists office where they will teach me all about the chemo and then I start that next Monday. So things are really moving and shaking on this here cancer train now.
That’s really all I have on that subject.
I had a good birthday on Saturday. I wasn’t into it at first, I was having a really bad headspace day, crying most of the morning. But I headed over to Rob’s dad’s and we had our group celebration (Rob’s Bday was earlier this month, mine was Saturday and his dad’s is today). I got a lot of cancer related presents and Rob’s sister made us these amazing red velvet cupcakes and homemade ice cream that has been making me very happy ever since.
After that we headed over to my work for dinner (none of us were very hungry as we didn’t eat lunch until two) and a show. The nephews had helped us out with advertising the current show “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” and so they were comped dinner and show tickets for their time. The show was great and the kids had an absolute blast though they had a hard time sitting still all that time. Josh was fanboying hard for Snoopy and then got really shy when we went to introduce them after the show but we were able to get their picture taken with him so they were really happy.
I got to see a couple of my theatre peeps I hadn’t seen in quite a while so that was nice. I was glad I didn’t bail on the day because although it was tiring and my brain wasn’t in the best space, I feel like it fortified me and made me feel loved which I kind of need right now.
Okay, that’s really all I have now. If I learn anything I feel worth documenting tomorrow at the education appointment, I might update tomorrow night, otherwise it will probably be after my first chemo session on Monday if I’m feeling up for it.
Please enjoy the following pictures of the presents my husband and my sis in law Liz and the nephews got me. Not pictured are the amazing red velvet cupcakes and homemade ice cream that my sis in law Laurie made because they are long since put away in my belly. 😀
Liz made me this chemo bag with items a friend who had recently been through it recommended.
So, this happened…
I’m just writing to reference my journey at this at this point. Nothing has fully hit me yet but I figure this will be as good a place as any to keep this documented.
About a week and a half ago I began to feel some stomach distress. Nothing too unusual for me. I sometimes get gastritis or bouts of diverticulitis so I didn’t think too much of it other than it lasted longer than normal and I was a getting sick of feeling uncomfortable all the time.
Finally on Thursday, it began to feel better.
On Friday, I got up for work like normal, put in my hour and a half workout and got ready to take a shower. When I was about step in, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my upper torso and chest had like a yellowish tinge to it. I remember saying out loud “That’s not good…” but I was running late so I convinced myself that it was the lighting and went about my routine.
When I was putting on my make up I noticed the outsides of my eyeballs were also tinged yellow and then I knew it wasn’t good but again, I was running late and honestly didn’t want to think about it so I went into work.
Long story short, while my stomach continued to feel better, my jaundice was getting worse. I spent most of the day googling what might bring about jaundice and it wasn’t promising.
I got home and discussed it with my the hubs and we decided if it was still an issue in the morning we would go to urgent care.
It was still an issue in the morning.
Long story longer, doc in the box sent us to the ER and the ER gave me some blood work and a contrast MRI or something similar. Liver levels were through the roof and my pancreas showed a mass on it.
At this point Rob had gone home to take care of the dogs so I was alone when they gave me the news. The nurse was very nice but shot it straight. She said that there is a chance it could be a cyst, but cysts usually present differently on the scans. It is most likely a tumor. There is a chance it was benign, but most pancreatic tumors are not. She said the C word. Cancer.
She was sweet but she let me know the severity of the situation and that they were going to admit me for further testing.
She left me alone and I cried for a bit before texting Rob and giving him an abbreviated version of what I’d been told.
The admitting dr showed up a little bit later and told me that they would be admitting me and the eventual goal was to meet with a GI Dr, possibly not until the next day.
When Rob got there, the ER doc came back and told him everything she had told me.
Not too long after that, they moved me to a room that actually had a pretty nice view of a rock fountain. We were joking with the staff that we would pay extra for that in Vegas.
The rest of the night was just sort of a blur of settling in, tests and plans.
They took me down for another contrast scan, this time of my lungs to see if there was any possible cancer spread there (I was told this morning that it was negative, but there are some unrelated nodules to keep an eye on for later) and then the GI doc showed up to give me his idea of how he wanted to proceed.
He said he was going to do a biopsy on the mass on Monday afternoon and he would try and do it endoscopicly. If that worked out he would try to put a stent into a blocked bile duct (this was when I found out I had a blocked bile duct). I’m guessing that might help with the jaundice.
I was told that there is a 10 percent chance that doing the stent might cause a bout of pancreatitis because of how close the two are.
After that it was just settling in and tying not to think too much. I have thus far successfully not googled pancreatic cancer.
Rob went home around seven and they finally brought me food. Oh did I mention that I hadn’t had anything to eat all day at this point? I had anticipated a blood test so I didn’t want to eat that morning but then they weren’t sure if they were going to do the biopsy or not so they waited and waited.
I tore into that dinner tray. I’m still not sure if it was actually good or I was just that hungry, but it tasted delicious to me!
Another interesting thing of note is that they pulled me off my HRT because of the risk of blood clot so that’s going to be interesting. Hope they have a lot of Xanax…
Anyhoosit, the rest of the night was waking up every couple of hours for vitals and blood draws.
The night nurse was a doll and told me that her mom just went through the same thing and was doing fine. She didn’t say if her tumor was cancerous or not but she did tell me that the spot where my mass is located is ideal if it is operable because the head of the pancreas is way better than the tail for removing tumors which was encouraging.
This morning I woke up and Rob showed up around eight or so. He brought me a bagel which was nice because they never brought my breakfast tray. He also brought me some crochet and my coloring books for stuff to do.
The admitting doc came in and went over the chest scan and plans for tomorrow. Said I would meet with an Oncologist and a surgeon then to go over potential options if it is cancerous and or operable. There as talk of specialists and such.
Tomorrow sounds like it’s going to be a lot.
Today is just a chill day apparently. Rob went down to the cafe and got me a coffee and a milkshake to split and then we went for a walk because this is the most inactive I’ve been since I had Covid in 2023.
So the reality hasn’t hit me yet. I get a little teary every time they mention the C word but other than that I’ve been in a pretty good state of mind. It I’m sure that’s going to change when I know more for certain and also when the hormones exit my body completely.
It’s so funny that the first two people that it crossed my mind to reach out to as I sat there in the ER after they told me are both dead. Mom and Kimmy. That itself hit pretty hard.
Rob and my sister in law have been amazing already. They were the only two that knew right away.
I texted Shannon yesterday once I knew I wouldn’t be into work on Monday. Then I finally told Koly and Taylor after I knew the show had ended last night. They were all very supportive and told me not to worry about work. My goal is to be back to work at the end of the week as my estimated discharge date is the 13th.
And then there is what I’m deeming the real tragedy of the situation…
Taylor, Jordynne and I have tickets to see Yungblud in Vegas on the 19th and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to go. I told Koly and Taylor that if I’m dying, I really want to be able to see him before that happens and these are darn good seats!!
That’s only partially a joke.
The staff here has been really great. I’ve loved all my nurses so far. They all seem so shocked that I’m laughing and joking around and am up and around.
And that’s the stupidest thing. All of a sudden I’m supposed to be sick. Thursday I ran five miles on the treadmill and today I’m stuck in a hospital bed with likely Cancer. Like, I don’t get it.
Anyway, this is just me documenting stuff while I have plenty of time to do it. I’ll try and keep it updated as things progress. It’s more for myself than anything else so that I can reference back when I need to remember something.
So now you know what I know. Please excuse any typos as this was all done on my IPad.
Stay at home means….
Okay so I need to explain that I live in a very tiny area on the central coast of California. It’s very eclectic and we like to sort of not socialize in our little village.
I can count on one hand how many visitors we have had in our house in the fifteen years we have been living here. We don’t do guests and we like it that way.
This weekend alone, we have had two people try to invite themselves over to our house. A couple of days ago, we had a distant neighbor that we don’t really know but was friends with my husbands grandfather, come knock on our door and start a random conversation.
Our immediate neighbor in our backyard doesn’t live there permanently…it’s his “vacation home” and he actually lives in San Jose. He comes down here to this house, maybe six times a year for a weekend or an event and then we don’t see him again.
It’s cool, he’s a cool neighbor. He always calls us and thanks us for being great neighbors and gives us gifts at the holidays.
Having said that…he has been out here EVER SINGLE WEEKEND since California announced the shelter in place.
Like, the governor said: “Don’t leave your house unless you absolutely need to!” and he said: “Cool, Imma go visit my vacation home for a couple days and then go home and then do the same thing every single weekend…that’s what you meant right?”
We aren’t especially alarmed (though we jokingly call him the “big city virus spreader”) because he isn’t within six feet of our personal space, but he takes off at least three times a day to go places and that is what worries me. You are told to stay in your house. Not only do you NOT stay in your house, you come down here and then don’t even stay in THAT house!!!
I keep telling my husband that I want to shout at our neighbor through a safe six foot window space that he is “doing the shelter in place wrong!”
Also the neighbor next to him that is using the house as an Airbnb (thankfully not since the virus thing started) came down tonight and spent the night.
Also, also, I have seen at least five packs of people coming down to access the river this weekend due to the heatwave right now. They are in groups of 4 – 6 ppl and they sure as shit aren’t social distancing.
(Side note, *future post about how this summer is going to suck because people aren’t locking the gate that accesses the river….*)
It’s these sorts of thing that makes me crazy. I WANT to stay home, but I cannot. I have to work. Yet people are getting antsy because they have been told to stay home and they want to rebel.
I get that you want to make money. I totally do…that isn’t what this rant is about.
This rant is about the people who treated this “quarantine” as a vacation. Don’t lie, some of y’all did. “I get to stay home for three weeks and never have to get out of my PJ’s?? Awesome!”
And now you are antsy. You have been in the house for a month, you have binge watched everything on Netflix and this is no longer fun for you. And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight in the near future.
To those people I say: Fuck You. Guess what…nothing has changed in the last month except your attitude. You are now chomping at the bit to leave your house and you now think it is “unfair” that you cannot. While three weeks ago, you clapped along with being a hero so you could sleep in and not have to answer to your boss, now you no longer think it’s necessary because you are bored and want to go get a haircut or play golf.
If that is the case, you never thought it WAS necessary in the first place and only played along to get your stimulus check and have some time off of work.
Suck it up buttercup. Currently, wanting to leave your house is a LUXURY, NOT A RIGHT! Not while people are dying. I happen to own several very special humans in my life that are at very high risk of potential death to the virus should they get it. My mom has ever single one of them…lung disease, diabetes, heart disease…and my husband has a heart condition. My best friend back home has COPD and is paralyzed. It’s not like she can get away from someone that has to share her personal space like her caregivers, if they choose to not follow the guidelines and go out to socialize because they are bored.
Y’all need to not be such whiny bitches and stop being so effing selfish. Because that is the bottom line. It is blatant selfishness to risk the lives of others so you can feel better about yourself and your day.
Are you healthy? Is your biggest problem that you want to leave the house to go work out or get a hair cut or your nails done? Guess what…there are many ppl that have DIED from this virus that will never get to do those things ever again so why don’t you shut the fuck up and not be such a fucking tool..you are NOT THAT IMPORTANT!
You don’t know if you are carrying this virus for up to 21 days!!! You may feel fine and think it’s perfectly okay to go out and about…but you don’t know that! When I was posed with the question of when I might vacation again when Vegas opened up I said: “Not until is it proven safe. MY GOOD TIME IS NOT WORTH ACCIDENTALLY KILLING SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!” Read that again.
And now read it one more fucking time!
Tales of Withdrawals and Chronic Pain
I think that I need to give myself a break. During the first three weeks of a my antidepressant tapers (or in this case my being off them all together) I cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything more than a simple task.
Anything that gets even the slightest bit complicated sparks a raging fury that is followed by helpless tears and I can’t control it once it starts.
I learned this last night when I had to replace my credit card number on all the places I have it stored. Netflix and Hulu were a snap but Itunes was giving me fits. I realize today that I probably need to update to the newest version…whenever it’s outdated it gives me trouble trying to get to the most simple screen.
I ended up changing it on my phone, but not before damn near overturning my desk and everything on it from sheer anger. I wasted way to much time and put myself in a crap of a mood for no good reason. I just needed to walk away.
That is not an easy thing for a person as stubborn as me to do. So I ended up going bed in an upset state, sleeping poorly and having horrible rage filled dreams.
I just need to NOT.
To give myself some time and walk away when things start to get even the slightest bit difficult. It’s not a permanent thing. In a couple of weeks everything should start evening out and I can go back to being hard on myself if I have to.
Not now. Now is the time to practice self care. Time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head at 6:30 in the evening if I have to. This is not forever.
This will pass and life will get back to normal again. I just need to take it easy on myself until it does.
On that note, I will probably be journaling more to get this shit off my chest. It isn’t fair to my husband for him to be my only emotional punching bag right?
He’s being amazing. So great that every time he comes back with a supportive comment when I’m a seething bitch I feel horrible and dissolve into tears.
I mean, it would be easier if he was being a dick back…I’d at least feel justified.
I totally don’t mean that by the way.
I guess I should talk about the issues that he is going through right now.
About three or four months ago he started getting these random but pretty severe pains. They would travel from his shoulder for two days to his wrist for another two days to his knee to his elbow to his fingers and so on and so forth.
At first I was convinced it was due to the injectible cholesterol meds that his doc had put him on. He had been on them for a few months but one of the side effects was muscle pain. After much nagging on my part he got permission from his cardiologist to stop them for a couple of months to see. It seemed to get better for a small amount of time and then it got much worse.
When the pain traveled to his wrists and fingers he went to his GP, we suspected carpel tunnel and it was all but confirmed by the doc. He told him to get wrist braces and sent him for blood work.
The wrist braces helped a lot but he was still in a lot of pain and it would still move from one random body part to the other.
The blood work came back and the doc told him that he needed to go see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist and gave him a referral.
It took a week to get a hold of the specialist only to be told that he would have to fill out some forms to see if he would be accepted as a patient.
I’m sorry, what??
How does that even work? If you are in the business of helping people you shouldn’t be able to pick and choose who you help. I get it if your practice is full, but that wasn’t the case.
Three weeks later he was rejected as a patient with no reason given.
It turns out that getting into this kind of specialist in our area is not an easy task. It has been almost three months and he still hasn’t been able to get in to anyone yet. The man is in agony 70% of the time but apparently that isn’t a big deal to anyone by he and I.
He is missing work and when he IS at work he is so far behind on his load because he is in too much pain to get it all done.
He is popping Advil like candy and now I’m working about his stomach lining and kidneys because of it.
The worst part of it is because he can’t get seen, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He is just in pain all the time and knows that there is no end in sight.
It’s really putting a strain on everything. His patience is gone and I don’t blame him. He’s gotten better, but he can still be quite snappy when his pain is severe. It’s in my nature to want to try and help and it aggravates him when I keep asking if he is okay or how I can help.
It bothers me a lot to see him in pain all the time and know there is nothing I can do at all to make it go away or even alleviate it a little.
I just want to make everything better for him.
I guess that is what he wants to do for me with my withdrawals too.
Our household is a hot mess right now, but we will get through it.
We will celebrate 19 years married and 20 years together on the 26th of this month.
I love that man with everything I have.
10 MG – The Celexa Tapering Diaries
Please see my previous entry for the background on this one.
So it turns out that the 10 mg taper has been a lot more difficult than my prior two tapers. I have been a roaring bitch for most of the last two and a half weeks. Also, crying. Weepy for no reason whatsoever out of the blue.
While this was felt to varying degrees on the previous tapers, it feels like it was mild compared to my current situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully functioning. I haven’t missed any work and I’ve even been doing a bit of evening socializing(something I rarely do), but I never know when the bitch switch is going to flip so I would prefer to just curl up in bed with a book.
Now some of this could be due to the time change and the fact that it feels like midnight when I get home from work at night. That alone makes me feel like I’m not doing anything for myself as I only have about an hour or two at night after work before I retire to bed.
The reason I even entertain that is the fact that I took myself shopping on Saturday. I let myself spend a leisurly four hours at the mall. I got some Starbucks, I got a haircut and I got a bunch of new clothes. On Sunday I did practically nothing. I laid in bed and read and played games on my phone. After the weekend, I felt recharged.
I’m still irritable and weepy and I am absolutely dreading when PMS is going to hit this weekend, but I feel better I think than I have the last two weeks.
Having said that, I give you the notes that I have made for my symptoms on this taper:
Flushing – my face has been red and warm for no real reason. (more towards the beginning of the taper) My face tends towards rosacea anyway, but this is noticable when there are no trigger factors involved.
Meh – I had two or three days where I just didn’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no happiness. I was basically just putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions.
Stomach – I’ve had some random stomach issues. Some gastritis, also weird random stomach pains. Not often but a few times. Could be completely unrelated, but I was noting everything that I was feeling.
Disconnected – This kind of goes along with the Meh one. I’m not even sure how to describe it other than I just felt disconnected from things around me. I had no real interaction with things or people and when I had to I was completely faking it.
Heart palpitations – To be fair, I have had these ongoing for a while now because of the Keto diet and my magnesium deficiency, but I felt they have been elevated since I started tapering from the Celexa. Of course like a lot of these symptoms, I never associated them with the withdrawal until recently.
Dizziness – This has been rare and so slight when it happens, that I hesitate to mention it at all. However, I said I would document everything so last week I did have a couple of episodes where I felt a little dizzy upon standing.
Tired – SO TIRED. Again this could be the time change, but I’m just really tired all the time. I take the magnesium and CBD oil to get to sleep and once I’m there I get a really restful sleep, I just still feel tired the next day. It seems to be better this week, but last week was almost unbearable. Just pure physical and mental exaustion.
Emotional (Cranky and Weepy) – This has been the worst so far. It is also the very thing that kept me on the antidepressant for so long. Whenever I would accidently miss a dose I would be hit with such waves of rage and misdirected anger the day after that I just assumed the drug was clearly needed. It never occured to me that it could just be a withdrawal symptom.
I’ve been out of control cranky this taper – but I’ve been warning all my co-workers and my husband and they seem to be taking it okay. My husband has been beyond supportive of my efforts to get off the Celexa. He’s just been amazing and I can’t be thankful enough for this fact.
I get ragey mad over stupid little things like not being able to find my pen on my desk or getting my ring caught in my hair. And then I cry because I know I’m out of control and I think I will never be normal again.
I cry when my husband is supportive. I cry when my dog puts her chin on my arm. I cry when my Amazon order doesn’t come on time. I’m a hot mess.
Eating the world – I have wanted to do nothing but eat of control the last couple of weeks. I’m trying really hard to stay on my diet, but even when I do I’m over eating. Constantly grazing and snacking and eating full meals and not getting full. And then when I am full, having to physically restrain myself from eating more because I just want to stuff my damn face. So much for losing the weight the Celexa makes you gain…
Restless legs – I have never had RLS before and when I started getting it a few weeks ago, I didn’t associate it with the taper. I just figured that it was because I was so tired and well, life after 40 is full of tricky little suprises so this must just be the latest fun thing happening to me. And that could still be the truth, but here I am documenting just in case. I have been using a magnesium spray on my legs at night when I get it and it hasn’t been that bad, but it is there nonetheless.
Neck/Jaw stiffness – I have TMJ and I have for all of my adult life. It has never caused me any real pain, just an annoying click every time I open or close my jaw. It’s one of those things that I figured I would get around to correcting “sometime” but it was never a really high priority.
This is another thing that has been happening that I never associated with the withdrawal. I just figured my TMJ was starting to progress and that could be the case, but I’ve been having a some more ear pains and neck/jaw stiffness lately.
Vivid/Strange Dreams – Holy cow, have my dreams been incredibly lucid and real. Especially if I have had any amount of alcohol in my body. I had wine the other night with my friend at dinner and I woke up in a full on panic at the climax of a strange dream where I was running away from something. My heart was hammering.
My dreams without alcohol are still vivid and freaky, but haven’t seemed as anxious and hard to wake up.
The regular dreams are full of espionage and aliens taking over the planet, and they seem so REAL!!
I’m just shocked and amazed that coming off of Celexa can have this amount of withdrawal symptoms and no one ever told me. It’s a shame. People tout the wonders of going on antidepressants, but never tell you the bad stuff when coming off of them.
Update on the Papster
So a while back I wrote about Pappy’s cancer. It’s not something that I like to think about, let alone write about, but it is still there.
His tumor came back for a third time quite a few months ago. I didn’t publicize it, because…well, we aren’t going to do anything about it. I didn’t want to hear from all the people that think they know better than me, that we should do chemo or radiation or at least get this third tumor removed.
I recently had a lengthy conversation with our seasonal neighbors that came back into town. They had a very similar situation with their old dog Maggie. They opted for the chemo and they regretted it. They said it made her so sick and in the end, for the minimal life it can extend for an already old dog, it’s just not worth it. I was so glad to have had that talk, because it reaffirmed all our decisions on keeping Pappy comfortable in the time he has left.
This morning I had to bring Pappy in for his annual check up. I was dreading it, because I was sure they were going to tell me what a horrible dog mother I was for letting this cancer just fester in his body instead of taking some sort of action, other than the meds he is currently on. I was wrong.
I was very pleasantly surprised when the Dr. told me that she thought we were doing the right thing. She said that at almost 14 years old, he had lived a good life span and that the other vet they had there just put his dog on chemo and he doesn’t think he would do it again. She told me his dog was sick for days after every treatment and wouldn’t eat. I *knew* those doggie cancer specialist fuckers were lying to me when they said chemo doesn’t effect dogs at all like it does humans. Bastards.
The doc said that Pappy is doing AMAZING for having had this cancer as long as he has. She was shocked when I told her that he still doesn’t exhibit any signs of being sick. Just standard old slowdown. He can’t jump up into the car anymore because of his back legs so we lift him. She agreed that was a good idea, especially since his tumor gets aggravated if he bumps it. I told her he’s kind of gotten used to us babying him. She said: “He’s got the right idea! Hell, he’s gonna be 14. He needs a butler!” Heh.
So the vet visit I was dreading turned out to make me feel very good about what we are doing. He’s not hurting. He’s not suffering. He doesn’t even know he is sick! He just has a INSATIABLE hunger from the steroid and constantly things he is starving…which is good since a decline in appetite is a bad sign in this case.
She did say that she probably won’t update his rabies and the other 3 years shot that is due in January, because they don’t want to compromise his immune system with the cancer. I said that I was fine with that. If he is still with us at that point I will be so happy I won’t care about anything else.
As I write this with tears in my eyes, he is asleep in his bed on the other side of the couch. He is my love. My sweet, sweet baby boy. I am not ready to let him go, I never will be. But I’m happy that right now, he isn’t hurting and will be with us for a bit longer.
Time to be me.
I’ve had a sinus issue for since mid April. That would be a little over two months of not being able to breathe through my nose. It never turned into a cold, I never started blowing green chunks out of my nose…in fact I didn’t blow out much anything at all. I was just congested. Pretty much completely blocked up 98% of the time. Sleeping was next to impossible, my throat was constantly dry and cracking because I had turned into a permanent mouth breather.
No I didn’t go to the doctor. The only thing the doctor would do would be to prescribe me antibiotics and thanks to my finger infection I am already immune to two different kinds thanks! Besides it wasn’t enough to keep me out of work or anything like that, it was just REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING!
After a while it got me into a funk. I was depressed again. My body actually started hurting from the repetative attempts to sniff air through my nasal passages.
Last week I started myself some general health supplements that the person I work for recommends. Just because I’m getting up there in age and forty is just around the corner you know…
This weekend I noticed that I could breathe. Now, there has also been a major shift in climate here. We’ve gone from our normal weather to hot and humid and that is very unusual for us. So I don’t know if it is the vitamins or the weather or neither one, but holy crap I can breathe again!!!!!
*Quickly knocks wood*
So now I am sleeping better and feeling over all amazing in comparison to the crap that I felt like for the last two months.
The whole time I was miserable I took the attitude that I could eat whatever I wanted and didn’t need to exercise. I felt like crap, might as well look like crap.
So now it’s time to reign that shit in. I had never actually financially quit weight watchers so today I’m starting back up on the points plus program and I’m going to get serious.
I have no theater in my immediate future so there is no reason why I can’t start planning my meals and cooking at night and on the weekends for the week.
I feel good, so why not feel better?
I even started writing again.
I’m working chapter three of a novel I’m hoping to publish. I know nothing about publishing but I’m going to look into it if I ever get the book done just to say I have written a book. It’s always been a dream of mine.
Things are looking up in my neck of the woods and I’m glad.
Spring Cleaning
So you’ve heard of spring cleaning your house? I’m spring cleaning my body.
I have smoked off and on since I was 14 years old. Not something I’m proud of but it’s the truth. (PS if you need to know, I’m 38. Do the math.) And while I’m telling the truth I should mention it’s been more on than off.
A while back I quit for about two years until I became involved in the theater. I don’t blame the theater. The theater did not shove a cigarette into my mouth and light it. However, I was the newbie amongst what seemed like old friends. A lot of them smoked so it seemed like the best way to get to know them if I followed them out and hung out on the smoke breaks. Whatever I have to say to justify it to myself right?
Okay, so it became a habitual thing. You know how some people smoke when they drink? I smoked when I was at the theater. If my car was even pointed within two miles of the theater I was craving a cig. At home I was okay…for awhile.
After a while it started to bleed into my home life. After three years of theater it was time to admit I was a full fledged smoker again.
To add to this, I have been completely lax on my diet for quite some time now. The result of that was me gaining back about 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I haven’t exercised properly since the half marathon in December.
To sum up: I’m a mess.
Cut to last week.
I’m in rehearsals for a new play and I have my first ever solo number. This is kind of a big deal for me so I’ve been practicing the song diligently in my car along with the CD. You know, in the car where I’m sitting down and not moving much at all.
Last week we had to work the choreography for the song. I don’t dance so much as just walk around and emote but HOLY CRAP! To hit the notes I need to hit and hold them? I was winded and seriously didn’t think I could do it! It was kind of a wake up call. I’ve gained so much weight I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me comfortably. I smoke on a daily basis and I don’t work out at all unless you count raising a fork to my mouth.
So this past Monday started a change.
I rejoined weight watchers and started following it diligently. I started jogging again and I quit smoking.
Today is day four without a smoke.
Last night I ran through my solo in front of my castmates with only he piano for music and no back up singers. I was PETRIFIED. After the number the director called for a break and I had all this nervous energy with no where to go. I wanted to smoke so badly. Not sure I’ve ever wanted one so bad in my life. I didn’t smoke. I walked around the stage and talked myself out of it. I figure if I can get through that, I’m good.
Since Monday I have lost three pounds and haven’t had a cigarette. More than that, I FEEL GOOD. My lung capacity feels normal for the first time in a while and I actually looked forward to my jog today.
It’s going to be a long journey but I feel comfortable where I am at this moment and I’m putting this out there for accountability right now.
Other than being tired from work/rehearsal/exercise, I think I’m in a pretty good place and I’ve had a smile on my face most of the day.
I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
