Stay at home means….

Okay so I need to explain that I live in a very tiny area on the central coast of California.  It’s very eclectic and we like to sort of not socialize in our little village.

I can count on one hand how many visitors we have had in our house in the fifteen years we have been living here.  We don’t do guests and we like it that way.

This weekend alone, we have had two people try to invite themselves over to our house.  A couple of days ago, we had a distant neighbor that we don’t really know but was friends with my husbands grandfather, come knock on our door and start a random conversation.

Our immediate neighbor in our backyard doesn’t live there permanently…it’s his “vacation home” and he actually lives in San Jose.  He comes down here to this house, maybe six times a year for a weekend or an event and then we don’t see him again.

It’s cool, he’s a cool neighbor.   He always calls us and thanks us for being great neighbors and gives us gifts at the holidays.

Having said that…he has been out here EVER SINGLE WEEKEND since California announced the shelter in place.

Like, the governor said: “Don’t leave your house unless you absolutely need to!” and he said: “Cool, Imma go visit my vacation home for a couple days and then go home and then do the same thing every single weekend…that’s what you meant right?”

We aren’t especially alarmed (though we jokingly call him the “big city virus spreader”) because he isn’t within six feet of our personal space, but he takes off at least three times a day to go places and that is what worries me.  You are told to stay in your house.  Not only do you NOT stay in your house, you come down here and then don’t even stay in THAT house!!!

I keep telling my husband that I want to shout at our neighbor through a safe six foot window space that he is “doing the shelter in place wrong!”

Also the neighbor next to him that is using the house as an Airbnb (thankfully not since the virus thing started) came down tonight and spent the night.

Also, also, I have seen at least five packs of people coming down to access the river this weekend due to the heatwave right now.  They are in groups of 4 – 6 ppl and they sure as shit aren’t social distancing.

(Side note, *future post about how this summer is going to suck because people aren’t locking the gate that accesses the river….*)

It’s these sorts of thing that makes me crazy.  I WANT to stay home, but I cannot.  I have to work.  Yet people are getting antsy because they have been told to stay home and they want to rebel.

I get that you want to make money.  I totally do…that isn’t what this rant is about.

This rant is about the people who treated this “quarantine” as a vacation.  Don’t lie, some of y’all did.  “I get to stay home for three weeks and never have to get out of my PJ’s??  Awesome!”

And now you are antsy.  You have been in the house for a month, you have binge watched everything on Netflix and this is no longer fun for you.  And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight in the near future.

To those people I say: Fuck You.  Guess what…nothing has changed in the last month except your attitude.  You are now chomping at the bit to leave your house and you now think it is “unfair” that you cannot.  While three weeks ago, you clapped along with being a hero so you could sleep in and not have to answer to your boss, now you no longer think it’s necessary because you are bored and want to go get a haircut or play golf.

If that is the case, you never thought it WAS necessary in the first place and only played along to get your stimulus check and have some time off of work.

Suck it up buttercup.  Currently, wanting to leave your house is a LUXURY, NOT A RIGHT!  Not while people are dying. I happen to own several very special humans in my life that are at very high risk of potential death to the virus should they get it.  My mom has ever single one of them…lung disease, diabetes, heart disease…and my husband has a heart condition.  My best friend back home has COPD and is paralyzed.  It’s not like she can get away from someone that has to share her personal space like her caregivers, if they choose to not follow the guidelines and go out to socialize because they are bored.

Y’all need to not be such whiny bitches and stop being so effing selfish.  Because that is the bottom line.  It is blatant selfishness to risk the lives of others so you can feel better about yourself and your day.

Are you healthy?  Is your biggest problem that you want to leave the house to go work out or get a hair cut or your nails done?  Guess what…there are many ppl that have DIED from this virus that will never get to do those things ever again so why don’t you shut the fuck up and not be such a fucking are NOT THAT IMPORTANT!

You don’t know if you are carrying this virus for up to 21 days!!!  You may feel fine and think it’s perfectly okay to go out and about…but you don’t know that!  When I was posed with the question of when I might vacation again when Vegas opened up I said: “Not until is it proven safe.  MY GOOD TIME IS NOT WORTH ACCIDENTALLY KILLING SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!” Read that again.

And now read it one more fucking time!

Tales of Withdrawals and Chronic Pain

I think that I need to give myself a break. During the first three weeks of a my antidepressant tapers (or in this case my being off them all together) I cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything more than a simple task.
Anything that gets even the slightest bit complicated sparks a raging fury that is followed by helpless tears and I can’t control it once it starts.
I learned this last night when I had to replace my credit card number on all the places I have it stored. Netflix and Hulu were a snap but Itunes was giving me fits. I realize today that I probably need to update to the newest version…whenever it’s outdated it gives me trouble trying to get to the most simple screen.
I ended up changing it on my phone, but not before damn near overturning my desk and everything on it from sheer anger. I wasted way to much time and put myself in a crap of a mood for no good reason. I just needed to walk away.
That is not an easy thing for a person as stubborn as me to do. So I ended up going bed in an upset state, sleeping poorly and having horrible rage filled dreams.
I just need to NOT.
To give myself some time and walk away when things start to get even the slightest bit difficult. It’s not a permanent thing. In a couple of weeks everything should start evening out and I can go back to being hard on myself if I have to.
Not now. Now is the time to practice self care. Time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head at 6:30 in the evening if I have to. This is not forever.
This will pass and life will get back to normal again. I just need to take it easy on myself until it does.

On that note, I will probably be journaling more to get this shit off my chest. It isn’t fair to my husband for him to be my only emotional punching bag right?
He’s being amazing. So great that every time he comes back with a supportive comment when I’m a seething bitch I feel horrible and dissolve into tears.
I mean, it would be easier if he was being a dick back…I’d at least feel justified.
I totally don’t mean that by the way.

I guess I should talk about the issues that he is going through right now.
About three or four months ago he started getting these random but pretty severe pains. They would travel from his shoulder for two days to his wrist for another two days to his knee to his elbow to his fingers and so on and so forth.
At first I was convinced it was due to the injectible cholesterol meds that his doc had put him on. He had been on them for a few months but one of the side effects was muscle pain. After much nagging on my part he got permission from his cardiologist to stop them for a couple of months to see. It seemed to get better for a small amount of time and then it got much worse.
When the pain traveled to his wrists and fingers he went to his GP, we suspected carpel tunnel and it was all but confirmed by the doc. He told him to get wrist braces and sent him for blood work.
The wrist braces helped a lot but he was still in a lot of pain and it would still move from one random body part to the other.
The blood work came back and the doc told him that he needed to go see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist and gave him a referral.
It took a week to get a hold of the specialist only to be told that he would have to fill out some forms to see if he would be accepted as a patient.
I’m sorry, what??
How does that even work? If you are in the business of helping people you shouldn’t be able to pick and choose who you help. I get it if your practice is full, but that wasn’t the case.
Three weeks later he was rejected as a patient with no reason given.
It turns out that getting into this kind of specialist in our area is not an easy task. It has been almost three months and he still hasn’t been able to get in to anyone yet. The man is in agony 70% of the time but apparently that isn’t a big deal to anyone by he and I.
He is missing work and when he IS at work he is so far behind on his load because he is in too much pain to get it all done.
He is popping Advil like candy and now I’m working about his stomach lining and kidneys because of it.
The worst part of it is because he can’t get seen, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He is just in pain all the time and knows that there is no end in sight.
It’s really putting a strain on everything. His patience is gone and I don’t blame him. He’s gotten better, but he can still be quite snappy when his pain is severe. It’s in my nature to want to try and help and it aggravates him when I keep asking if he is okay or how I can help.
It bothers me a lot to see him in pain all the time and know there is nothing I can do at all to make it go away or even alleviate it a little.
I just want to make everything better for him.
I guess that is what he wants to do for me with my withdrawals too.
Our household is a hot mess right now, but we will get through it.
We will celebrate 19 years married and 20 years together on the 26th of this month.
I love that man with everything I have.

10 MG – The Celexa Tapering Diaries

Please see my previous entry for the background on this one.
So it turns out that the 10 mg taper has been a lot more difficult than my prior two tapers. I have been a roaring bitch for most of the last two and a half weeks. Also, crying. Weepy for no reason whatsoever out of the blue.
While this was felt to varying degrees on the previous tapers, it feels like it was mild compared to my current situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully functioning. I haven’t missed any work and I’ve even been doing a bit of evening socializing(something I rarely do), but I never know when the bitch switch is going to flip so I would prefer to just curl up in bed with a book.
Now some of this could be due to the time change and the fact that it feels like midnight when I get home from work at night. That alone makes me feel like I’m not doing anything for myself as I only have about an hour or two at night after work before I retire to bed.
The reason I even entertain that is the fact that I took myself shopping on Saturday. I let myself spend a leisurly four hours at the mall. I got some Starbucks, I got a haircut and I got a bunch of new clothes. On Sunday I did practically nothing. I laid in bed and read and played games on my phone. After the weekend, I felt recharged.
I’m still irritable and weepy and I am absolutely dreading when PMS is going to hit this weekend, but I feel better I think than I have the last two weeks.
Having said that, I give you the notes that I have made for my symptoms on this taper:

Flushing – my face has been red and warm for no real reason. (more towards the beginning of the taper) My face tends towards rosacea anyway, but this is noticable when there are no trigger factors involved.

Meh – I had two or three days where I just didn’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no happiness. I was basically just putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions.

Stomach – I’ve had some random stomach issues. Some gastritis, also weird random stomach pains. Not often but a few times. Could be completely unrelated, but I was noting everything that I was feeling.

Disconnected – This kind of goes along with the Meh one. I’m not even sure how to describe it other than I just felt disconnected from things around me. I had no real interaction with things or people and when I had to I was completely faking it.

Heart palpitations – To be fair, I have had these ongoing for a while now because of the Keto diet and my magnesium deficiency, but I felt they have been elevated since I started tapering from the Celexa. Of course like a lot of these symptoms, I never associated them with the withdrawal until recently.

Dizziness – This has been rare and so slight when it happens, that I hesitate to mention it at all. However, I said I would document everything so last week I did have a couple of episodes where I felt a little dizzy upon standing.

Tired – SO TIRED. Again this could be the time change, but I’m just really tired all the time. I take the magnesium and CBD oil to get to sleep and once I’m there I get a really restful sleep, I just still feel tired the next day. It seems to be better this week, but last week was almost unbearable. Just pure physical and mental exaustion.

Emotional (Cranky and Weepy) – This has been the worst so far. It is also the very thing that kept me on the antidepressant for so long. Whenever I would accidently miss a dose I would be hit with such waves of rage and misdirected anger the day after that I just assumed the drug was clearly needed. It never occured to me that it could just be a withdrawal symptom.
I’ve been out of control cranky this taper – but I’ve been warning all my co-workers and my husband and they seem to be taking it okay. My husband has been beyond supportive of my efforts to get off the Celexa. He’s just been amazing and I can’t be thankful enough for this fact.
I get ragey mad over stupid little things like not being able to find my pen on my desk or getting my ring caught in my hair. And then I cry because I know I’m out of control and I think I will never be normal again.
I cry when my husband is supportive. I cry when my dog puts her chin on my arm. I cry when my Amazon order doesn’t come on time. I’m a hot mess.

Eating the world – I have wanted to do nothing but eat of control the last couple of weeks. I’m trying really hard to stay on my diet, but even when I do I’m over eating. Constantly grazing and snacking and eating full meals and not getting full. And then when I am full, having to physically restrain myself from eating more because I just want to stuff my damn face. So much for losing the weight the Celexa makes you gain…

Restless legs – I have never had RLS before and when I started getting it a few weeks ago, I didn’t associate it with the taper. I just figured that it was because I was so tired and well, life after 40 is full of tricky little suprises so this must just be the latest fun thing happening to me. And that could still be the truth, but here I am documenting just in case. I have been using a magnesium spray on my legs at night when I get it and it hasn’t been that bad, but it is there nonetheless.

Neck/Jaw stiffness – I have TMJ and I have for all of my adult life. It has never caused me any real pain, just an annoying click every time I open or close my jaw. It’s one of those things that I figured I would get around to correcting “sometime” but it was never a really high priority.
This is another thing that has been happening that I never associated with the withdrawal. I just figured my TMJ was starting to progress and that could be the case, but I’ve been having a some more ear pains and neck/jaw stiffness lately.

Vivid/Strange Dreams – Holy cow, have my dreams been incredibly lucid and real.  Especially if I have had any amount of alcohol in my body.  I had wine the other night with my friend at dinner and I woke up in a full on panic at the climax of a strange dream where I was running away from something.  My heart was hammering.
My dreams without alcohol are still vivid and freaky, but haven’t seemed as anxious and hard to wake up.
The regular dreams are full of espionage and aliens taking over the planet, and they seem so REAL!!

I’m just shocked and amazed that coming off of Celexa can have this amount of withdrawal symptoms and no one ever told me.  It’s a shame.  People tout the wonders of going on antidepressants, but never tell you the bad stuff when coming off of them.

Update on the Papster

So a while back I wrote about Pappy’s cancer.  It’s not something that I like to think about, let alone write about, but it is still there.

His tumor came back for a third time quite a few months ago.  I didn’t publicize it, because…well, we aren’t going to do anything about it.  I didn’t want to hear from all the people that think they know better than me, that we should do chemo or radiation or at least get this third tumor removed.

I recently had a lengthy conversation with our seasonal neighbors that came back into town.  They had a very similar situation with their old dog Maggie.  They opted for the chemo and they regretted it.  They said it made her so sick and in the end, for the minimal life it can extend for an already old dog, it’s just not worth it.  I was so glad to have had that talk, because it reaffirmed all our decisions on keeping Pappy comfortable in the time he has left.

This morning I had to bring Pappy in for his annual check up.  I was dreading it, because I was sure they were going to tell me what a horrible dog mother I was for letting this cancer just fester in his body instead of taking some sort of action, other than the meds he is currently on.  I was wrong.

I was very pleasantly surprised when the Dr. told me that she thought we were doing the right thing.  She said that at almost 14 years old, he had lived a good life span and that the other vet they had there just put his dog on chemo and he doesn’t think he would do it again.  She told me his dog was sick for days after every treatment and wouldn’t eat.  I *knew* those doggie cancer specialist fuckers were lying to me when they said chemo doesn’t effect dogs at all like it does humans.  Bastards.

The doc said that Pappy is doing AMAZING for having had this cancer as long as he has.  She was shocked when I told her that he still doesn’t exhibit any signs of being sick.  Just standard old slowdown.  He can’t jump up into the car anymore because of his back legs so we lift him.  She agreed that was a good idea, especially since his tumor gets aggravated if he bumps it.  I told her he’s kind of gotten used to us babying him.  She said: “He’s got the right idea!  Hell, he’s gonna be 14.  He needs a butler!”  Heh.

So the vet visit I was dreading turned out to make me feel very good about what we are doing.  He’s not hurting.  He’s not suffering.  He doesn’t even know he is sick!  He just has a INSATIABLE hunger from the steroid and constantly things he is starving…which is good since a decline in appetite is a bad sign in this case.

She did say that she probably won’t update his rabies and the other 3 years shot that is due in January, because they don’t want to compromise his immune system with the cancer.  I said that I was fine with that.  If he is still with us at that point I will be so happy I won’t care about anything else.

As I write this with tears in my eyes, he is asleep in his bed on the other side of the couch.  He is my love.  My sweet, sweet baby boy.  I am not ready to let him go, I never will be.  But I’m happy that right now, he isn’t hurting and will be with us for a bit longer.

Time to be me.

I’ve had a sinus issue for since mid April.  That would be a little over two months of not being able to breathe through my nose.  It never turned into a cold, I never started blowing green chunks out of my nose…in fact I didn’t blow out much anything at all.  I was just congested.  Pretty much completely blocked up 98% of the time.  Sleeping was next to impossible, my throat was constantly dry and cracking because I had turned into a permanent mouth breather.

No I didn’t go to the doctor.  The only thing the doctor would do would be to prescribe me antibiotics and thanks to my finger infection I am already immune to two different kinds thanks!  Besides it wasn’t enough to keep me out of work or anything like that, it was just REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING!

After a while it got me into a funk.  I was depressed again.  My body actually started hurting from the repetative attempts to sniff air through my nasal passages.

Last week I started myself some general health supplements that the person I work for recommends.  Just because I’m getting up there in age and forty is just around the corner you know…

This weekend I noticed that I could breathe.  Now, there has also been a major shift in climate here.  We’ve gone from our normal weather to hot and humid and that is very unusual for us.  So I don’t know if it is the vitamins or the weather or neither one, but holy crap I can breathe again!!!!!

*Quickly knocks wood*

So now I am sleeping better and feeling over all amazing in comparison to the crap that I felt like for the last two months.

The whole time I was miserable I took the attitude that I could eat whatever I wanted and didn’t need to exercise.  I felt like crap, might as well look like crap.

So now it’s time to reign that shit in.  I had never actually financially quit weight watchers so today I’m starting back up on the points plus program and I’m going to get serious.

I have no theater in my immediate future so there is no reason why I can’t start planning my meals and cooking at night and on the weekends for the week.

I feel good, so why not feel better?

I even started writing again.

I’m working chapter three of a novel I’m hoping to publish.  I know nothing about publishing but I’m going to look into it if I ever get the book done just to say I have written a book.  It’s always been a dream of mine.

Things are looking up in my neck of the woods and I’m glad.

Spring Cleaning

So you’ve heard of spring cleaning your house? I’m spring cleaning my body.
I have smoked off and on since I was 14 years old. Not something I’m proud of but it’s the truth. (PS if you need to know, I’m 38. Do the math.) And while I’m telling the truth I should mention it’s been more on than off.
A while back I quit for about two years until I became involved in the theater. I don’t blame the theater. The theater did not shove a cigarette into my mouth and light it. However, I was the newbie amongst what seemed like old friends. A lot of them smoked so it seemed like the best way to get to know them if I followed them out and hung out on the smoke breaks. Whatever I have to say to justify it to myself right?
Okay, so it became a habitual thing. You know how some people smoke when they drink? I smoked when I was at the theater. If my car was even pointed within two miles of the theater I was craving a cig. At home I was okay…for awhile.
After a while it started to bleed into my home life. After three years of theater it was time to admit I was a full fledged smoker again.
To add to this, I have been completely lax on my diet for quite some time now. The result of that was me gaining back about 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I haven’t exercised properly since the half marathon in December.
To sum up: I’m a mess.
Cut to last week.
I’m in rehearsals for a new play and I have my first ever solo number. This is kind of a big deal for me so I’ve been practicing the song diligently in my car along with the CD. You know, in the car where I’m sitting down and not moving much at all.
Last week we had to work the choreography for the song. I don’t dance so much as just walk around and emote but HOLY CRAP! To hit the notes I need to hit and hold them? I was winded and seriously didn’t think I could do it! It was kind of a wake up call. I’ve gained so much weight I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me comfortably. I smoke on a daily basis and I don’t work out at all unless you count raising a fork to my mouth.
So this past Monday started a change.
I rejoined weight watchers and started following it diligently. I started jogging again and I quit smoking.
Today is day four without a smoke.
Last night I ran through my solo in front of my castmates with only he piano for music and no back up singers. I was PETRIFIED. After the number the director called for a break and I had all this nervous energy with no where to go. I wanted to smoke so badly. Not sure I’ve ever wanted one so bad in my life. I didn’t smoke. I walked around the stage and talked myself out of it. I figure if I can get through that, I’m good.
Since Monday I have lost three pounds and haven’t had a cigarette. More than that, I FEEL GOOD. My lung capacity feels normal for the first time in a while and I actually looked forward to my jog today.
It’s going to be a long journey but I feel comfortable where I am at this moment and I’m putting this out there for accountability right now.
Other than being tired from work/rehearsal/exercise, I think I’m in a pretty good place and I’ve had a smile on my face most of the day.

It's a long road but I can walk it.

A friend of mine has taken an interest as of late in trying to make me see things more positively. At first I scoffed at the idea. I’m a positive person. I like to see the good in things.

And then I realized that is true, when it comes to other people. When it comes to myself…not so much.

We all know that we are our own worst critics. I’ve said before that I would be mortified to think of speaking to someone else the way I speak to myself. I guess I just never fully comprehended how hard I was on myself until he pointed it out.

The problem is that I’m not sure how to turn it around. Reprogramming 37 years of negativity is no small task.

I’ve decided to take it one step at a time. For starters I really need to think about just how far I have come.

It tends to not feel like I’ve come a long way because I feel like I have been holding steady at the same weight for many years, but the truth is that I have been losing. Extremely slowly, but still.

But if I step back and look at the giant picture it really is impressive, if I do say so myself. 🙂

I was once so large that I couldn’t tie my own shoes. All footwear had to be slip ons because I was too embarrassed to ask my husband to tie my shoes for me.

I couldn’t walk a half a block without my lower back seizing up and feeling like I was going to die. I remember walking the dog one night in Arizona and almost crying because I thought I was going to have to ask my husband to go get the car a half a block away and come get pick me up.

Last December I paid good money to walk/run 13 miles for FUN and I’m doing it again this year.

All my life I’ve wanted to be a sing and act. When I was a kid/teenager I would hold “concerts” in my living room and act out movies to an imaginary audience when I was home alone. It was all I ever wanted to do but I would never dare actually let anyone see me do it. I was far to painfully shy and the thought of someone watching me “act” or hearing me sing was mortifying! I would rather the world open up and swallow me than face what I’m sure would have been harsh criticism for my stupidity.

In the last year I have acted in three plays, two of which I sang in, and am gearing up for another one next month. And I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it

Recently, I have taken some steps to reconcile relationships with family members that I thought would never be fixed. The fact that I am willing to find forgiveness and even admit that I may have been wrong about some things tells me how much I have grown as a person over the years.

I may still have a long way to go with a lot of things in my life, but I can’t get there without pausing to look back at how far I have come.



It is an unfortunate condition that I have suffered from since I was a teenager.

It can cause me to do a lot of things I shouldn’t want to do. It can cause me to hate myself so much that I want to harm to myself.

It can cause me to carve into my own skin with sharp objects.

It can cause me to overeat until I feel like my stomach is going to explode and then stick my finger down my throat so I can throw it all up.

It can cause me to project anger and other extreme emotions onto other people and situations that don’t deserve them.

It CAN do all those things…if I let it.

I take a daily pill that, along with the knowledge and experience I have in dealing with myself over the years, helps keep all of that at bay.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me though. And because I tend to project my emotions on things that aren’t REALLY the things that are bothering me I don’t notice it right away.

It starts with something stupid, like I have gained weight and yet I can’t stop shoving food in my face. So not only am I fat but I’m a failure as well.

If I am unmotivated at work, it turns into me berating myself for being so stupid and lazy.

When a friend forgets to call me back, then I am such a horrible person that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.

When the house gets cluttered, I am a horrible wife and can’t understand how my husband can stay married to me.

I guess you could say I am kinda hard on myself. My brain speaks to me like an emotionally abusive partner or parent.

My friend Beth once said to me that we would never speak to someone else the way that we speak to ourselves and she is so right.

I would be MORTIFIED to even think something like that about someone else let alone say it to their faces, yet I have no problem letting the venom fly when it comes to myself.

The depression has been sneaking it’s way in for a little while now. I think the trip to Maine really helped it along. The nature of the visit was of course nothing to celebrate but since mom had been doing so much better I was thinking the trip would be okay.

I’m not going to go into the details of the trip because it involves other people that may not be as easygoing about baring their souls on the internet as I am but let’s just say it was a very frustrating trip.

Since coming home I’ve been letting things fester. I think that, along with the weight that I gained while there and the lack of clothes that are fitting me right now, as well as my lack of social interaction since ending the last play have all piled on top of me without my even realizing it.

Late last week I noticed I was just feeling like a big ball of yucky. I had no enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping. In turn I would try and “snap myself out of it” and come off as far too enthusiastic about nothing. VERY manic behavior.

By this weekend I was crying for no reason and I’m not PMSing so I knew it was time to analyze what was going on with me.

And while all of the things I talked about above are all contributing factors to the overall depression I think that the underlying cause is that I am goaless right now.

If I have nothing to focus on I…well, lose focus on everything.

The truth is that I have been without a real goal since the marathon. The plays provided a great distraction and in them I rediscovered the passion for acting and singing that I had when I was a kid. When you are a kid saying you want to be an actress when you grow up is acceptable. As you get older…not so much.

So after Clockwork, I decided I needed a break and I do. I was beginning to forget what my husband and dogs looked like and poor Rob was suffering the consequences of being a house husband all by himself. However with nothing else to focus on I find myself floundering.

What to do?

Well, let’s start with the weight that I am putting on. It makes me miserable to look in a mirror, but what is more important is that I feel like crap because I am eating like crap.

Let’s also think back to the last time I had a nice long chunk of good moods and genuine happiness. Right, when I was exercising at least five days a week.

Can there really be something to this eating right and working out thing??? 😉

So Saturday morning I printed out a bunch of healthy recipes and went grocery shopping. Sunday was spent cooking said recipes and getting back in touch with

It was there that I remembered Turbo Jam. It was something that I got a long time ago, tried briefly and really liked it but at that point wasn’t sticking to any sort of regular exercise program. I went to the DVD shelf, dusted off the discs and put one in. Pretty fun stuff and a definite work out!

This morning I got up and did it again before work and also walked on my lunch break. I feel amazing right now.

I doubt my depression will ever go away. I’ve been dealing with it off and on since I was 14 or so. I have good days and bad days. What I am learning is how to better deal with the bad days and change my outlook.

So my new goal is to get healthy. I haven’t had a cigarette since we left Maine and now with the eating better and exercising I know that I will feel better. Weight loss will be an excellent side effect but right now it is all about feeling better.

The 21-day purification program is so effective because it focuses on the whole person–making better food and beverage choices, taking whole food supplements, reducing stress, and increasing exercise. The purification program is more than just a diet. It encourages patients to adopt a healthier lifestyle, which, in turn, helps them look and feel better.

This streamlined, easy-to-follow program emphasizes whole, organic, and unprocessed foods; whole food supplements; and water. Vegetables and fruit are eaten from days 1-10, with select proteins added at day 11. Whole food supplements taken during the program include: SP Cleanse®, SP Green Food®, SP Complete® or SP Complete® Dairy Free, and Gastro-Fiber® . Other supplements such as Whey Pro Complete, a protein powder with 15 grams of protein per serving, can also be added to the protocol to support purification.

To assist the patient during purification, we provide an all-in-one purification guide that describes the program and offers features such as an FAQ section; a tear-off shopping list; program-friendly shake and salad accent recipes; a daily intake journal; and an area for you to recommend additional supplements.

So there is that…

This is a program recommended by the doctor that I work for.  Several of the girls in the office have done this program multiple times with great results.  Two of my co-workers are starting on it again on Monday.  I have often voiced that I needed to try the program but it is soooo strict and I was never confident in my ability to stick to it.

Today I decided I needed to take the bull by the horns and just commit.  I’m sick of being sick.  And perhaps the reason I have been sick so often lately is that all I’ve done since Repo started was eat crap.  Soda, caffeine, salt up the ying yang and told get me started on all the processed fast food crap.   Plus not being able to get back even to my weight watchers diet for more than a day or two.

I need something that is going to kick me in the ass.  Something that I will commit to because, well the suppliments can get a little pricey and I’m not one to waste money, but also because I will have two friends/co-workers doing it at the same time that I can lean on.  They have both done it before and they are both very supportive of me doing this with them.

I’ve been sick more since August than I have been in the last five years.  I can’t say that for sure that it is related to my icky eating habits but SOMETHING is wrong.  What can it hurt to try something new?  It’s only for three weeks right?

I’m going to do it!  And I’m probably going to be a bitch for a few days…you have been warned.  🙂

Husband Health Woes…I’m scared

11:00 AM

Rob and I got a hotel room this weekend just for fun.
Last night he went home with a stomach ailment and told me to stay here.
He will be here in a few minutes to pick me up so we can drive to the hospital. He is in agony with stomach pains and I am scared.
I will update when I know more.

7:00 PM

We still don’t know anything. Rob is in the ER as I type this. I came home to give the dog his pill. We know that he’ll be there at least until nine because they gave him some stuff to drink for his catscan and they told him it takes two hours to get through his system…that is if he can keep it down. He threw up a tiny bit before I left and they gave him something in his IV to “relax” him. When I left he had just finished the drink they gave him and was going to lay down for a nap(the nurse let him shut out the lights in his little curtained-off area). He is still in tons of pain. He said he has never felt pain like this in his life.
It was everything I could do not to fall apart tonight and I’m not saying that I won’t. I am trying to be strong because the last thing Rob needs right now is a weepy wife but it is killing me to watch him go through this. And knowing there is NOTHING I can do.
Right now he is SOOOO frustrated that the ER is taking so long to get to the root of the problem. He keeps complaining about how they really already know what is wrong with him they are just milking it for the insurance money. All he wants to do is come home.
I just hope he keeps that drink down. They told him there was only one other way to get it into his system and it’s not thru an IV!! Yikes!
I feel so bad. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. He is in so much pain. I just want him to get better.

11:00 PM

Okay, I’m back at the hotel…
When I left, the status was still up in the air but they are suspecting pancreatitis…however you spell it. Basically, it’s not good.
When I left his CT info wasn’t back yet but he was definitely staying the night. He kind of kicked me out. He said that me staying wasn’t going to do either of us any good. My time would be better spent packing up and sleeping at the hotel and then coming back in the morning. I think I was annoying him asking if there was anything I could do every five minutes.
I’m kind of numb right now.
I don’t really have anything else to say…except my friends are amazing and I love them…and I love my husband more than life itself and I don’t know what I would do without him.

About Me


I am a 40 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy knitting and crocheting, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.

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