I haven’t really hung out with any of my theater friends since 9 to 5 wrapped.
I was having a lot of issues towards the end of that run and I was glad to bid theater ado. It wasn’t theater’s fault it was mine and I just was done dealing with people in general.
I haven’t auditioned for anything since either.
There is a play currently running that stars a bunch of my favorite people and yet I have been putting off seeing it. Twice I have made plans and then backed out on them. I even tried to tonight but my husband was having none of that. I thank him for that.
We went to the show tonight and I felt back at home. Whatever issues I was having during 9 to 5 with my personal life have been resolved and I miss my theater family. Maybe that is the reason itself that I wanted to avoid going. I am always wary of opening up and letting people in my life.
I consider the director of this show one of my closest friends and I hadn’t seen her in months. The mere minutes that we were able to hang out before the show and during intermission felt like home. At the end of the show I was able to hug and hold and talk to, no matter how briefly, the actors that I have come to love and respect and it felt good, and yet hurt at the same time.
I need to stop hiding. I need to embrace my friends again and not care that it means I will have less time to sit on my couch and disconnect with my own reality.
So um, tonight started just like any other performance night at the theater. They had some sound issues but nothing that concerned me. So around 20 minutes before curtain I headed up to the dressing room and put on my cursed nylons. Once they were on I turned to grab my costume and found empty hangers.
My wool blazer was still hanging there but all other garments were gone. It was then that I realized that I had taken my clothes home to wash them and they were still sitting in a bag on my record player at home.
I went into full on panic mode. Thankfully a handful of cast mates were with me and talked me down. One cast mate in particular was the person who put the costumes together for the show. She took one look at me with tears in my eyes and sweating and asked what I needed. With only 15 minutes until showtime she just nodded and went off in search of clothing in the costume area.
I am not a small woman so while there are lots of costumes backstage, finding appropriate items that will actually FIT me is no small feat.
With minutes to spare to get me into my wig she had all my replacement costume pieces hanging and ready for me in the dressing room. I was amazed and ever so grateful. It wasn’t perfect but it worked and the audience was none the wiser.
I was also happy for all of the cast mates that rallied around me tonight. I was a bit of a basketcase and it helped so much to have them talking me down and it made all the difference.
I must say though, that the panic attack might have made my performance even better. I felt like my solo tonight was much better than it has been lately. Guess I just need a shot of adrenaline before each performance? Yeah, no…not even gonna chance it. 🙂
So you’ve heard of spring cleaning your house? I’m spring cleaning my body.
I have smoked off and on since I was 14 years old. Not something I’m proud of but it’s the truth. (PS if you need to know, I’m 38. Do the math.) And while I’m telling the truth I should mention it’s been more on than off.
A while back I quit for about two years until I became involved in the theater. I don’t blame the theater. The theater did not shove a cigarette into my mouth and light it. However, I was the newbie amongst what seemed like old friends. A lot of them smoked so it seemed like the best way to get to know them if I followed them out and hung out on the smoke breaks. Whatever I have to say to justify it to myself right?
Okay, so it became a habitual thing. You know how some people smoke when they drink? I smoked when I was at the theater. If my car was even pointed within two miles of the theater I was craving a cig. At home I was okay…for awhile.
After a while it started to bleed into my home life. After three years of theater it was time to admit I was a full fledged smoker again.
To add to this, I have been completely lax on my diet for quite some time now. The result of that was me gaining back about 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I haven’t exercised properly since the half marathon in December.
To sum up: I’m a mess.
Cut to last week.
I’m in rehearsals for a new play and I have my first ever solo number. This is kind of a big deal for me so I’ve been practicing the song diligently in my car along with the CD. You know, in the car where I’m sitting down and not moving much at all.
Last week we had to work the choreography for the song. I don’t dance so much as just walk around and emote but HOLY CRAP! To hit the notes I need to hit and hold them? I was winded and seriously didn’t think I could do it! It was kind of a wake up call. I’ve gained so much weight I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me comfortably. I smoke on a daily basis and I don’t work out at all unless you count raising a fork to my mouth.
So this past Monday started a change.
I rejoined weight watchers and started following it diligently. I started jogging again and I quit smoking.
Today is day four without a smoke.
Last night I ran through my solo in front of my castmates with only he piano for music and no back up singers. I was PETRIFIED. After the number the director called for a break and I had all this nervous energy with no where to go. I wanted to smoke so badly. Not sure I’ve ever wanted one so bad in my life. I didn’t smoke. I walked around the stage and talked myself out of it. I figure if I can get through that, I’m good.
Since Monday I have lost three pounds and haven’t had a cigarette. More than that, I FEEL GOOD. My lung capacity feels normal for the first time in a while and I actually looked forward to my jog today.
It’s going to be a long journey but I feel comfortable where I am at this moment and I’m putting this out there for accountability right now.
Other than being tired from work/rehearsal/exercise, I think I’m in a pretty good place and I’ve had a smile on my face most of the day.
I’m in the process of starting up a traveling blog since the only time I ever seem to update this thing is when I’m doing a trip report. I’m not sure if that means I am going to start shutting this one down or not. My goal is to actually start blogging again to get shit out of my head but I’m not sure if that is actually going to happen or not so in the meantime I will be moving my trip reports over to www.kellystravels.com.
So we are in the second week of rehearsals for Old Ringers and I think it is going pretty good. The only thing that kind of sucks for me is that rehearsals don’t start until 7:00 PM. I get out of work at 5:30 so that means I have to kill an hour and a half in town. Going home isn’t an option unless I just want to drive home, pet the dogs for five minutes and then head right back out. With gas prices what they are, as much as I love my dogs, that ain’t happening.
Tuesday I went shopping and that was some great retail therapy but my wallet can’t allow that to happen every day. Yesterday I got off work early because it was slow so I was able to go home and relax for a bit but that won’t happen too often anymore.
Today I have a pillow and a blanket in the back of the car and I plan on taking a well deserved nap in the back of the car. Although now that I think about, I think I forgot to take out the dog crate so it might be a tight fit, but I’ll make it work damn it!
I’m tired but I am not even near the tired I will reach when rehearsals really get going. Right now we are I only have to be there three nights a week. I get Mondays and Fridays off until we get into the meat of the rehearsals. And Tuesday’s I only have to be there until eight. My problem is that I went straight into rehearsals after being so sleep deprived from New York. Then last weekend I didn’t get a chance to crash since Rob and I went to see Reefer Madness Friday night and then I had auditions/rehearsals/helping out at the theater all day Saturday. Sunday I was a lump on the couch, but have you ever been so exhausted you couldn’t actually sleep? I think that is the point I had reached.
This weekend will be different. No plans Friday, rehearsal at 1:00 on Saturday so that means sleeping in as long as I can and then that’s it for the rest of the weekend. We will probably visit with Rob’s parents at some point because I know my MIL is wanting to hear about my trip but that should be pretty low key and at our leisure.
The slow weekend will be much needed. I felt myself starting to lose it this morning as I tend to do when I am really lacking on sleep. Nothing I put on from my closet looked right and I know that wasn’t the truth because I just bought like six new tops and two new pairs of jeans and I TRIED THEM ALL ON i the store and loved the way they looked. Then my hair looked like crap…let me tell you something about me and my hair. I COULD CARE LESS what my hair looks like when I am going to work. As long as it is clean it could be a big ball of frizzy split ends, it doesn’t matter. It just goes up in a bun or a ponytail. This morning, it was the end of the world that my side part wasn’t just so. Ridiculous!
I call it Melt Down Mode and it happens during every play I do. Granted it usually happens a lot closer to hell week(the final week of tech and rehearsals) so it worries me a little that it is happening so soon. I think once I get caught up on sleep from New York I will be fine though.