Everyday Life

Stay at home means….

Okay so I need to explain that I live in a very tiny area on the central coast of California.  It’s very eclectic and we like to sort of not socialize in our little village.

I can count on one hand how many visitors we have had in our house in the fifteen years we have been living here.  We don’t do guests and we like it that way.

This weekend alone, we have had two people try to invite themselves over to our house.  A couple of days ago, we had a distant neighbor that we don’t really know but was friends with my husbands grandfather, come knock on our door and start a random conversation.

Our immediate neighbor in our backyard doesn’t live there permanently…it’s his “vacation home” and he actually lives in San Jose.  He comes down here to this house, maybe six times a year for a weekend or an event and then we don’t see him again.

It’s cool, he’s a cool neighbor.   He always calls us and thanks us for being great neighbors and gives us gifts at the holidays.

Having said that…he has been out here EVER SINGLE WEEKEND since California announced the shelter in place.

Like, the governor said: “Don’t leave your house unless you absolutely need to!” and he said: “Cool, Imma go visit my vacation home for a couple days and then go home and then do the same thing every single weekend…that’s what you meant right?”

We aren’t especially alarmed (though we jokingly call him the “big city virus spreader”) because he isn’t within six feet of our personal space, but he takes off at least three times a day to go places and that is what worries me.  You are told to stay in your house.  Not only do you NOT stay in your house, you come down here and then don’t even stay in THAT house!!!

I keep telling my husband that I want to shout at our neighbor through a safe six foot window space that he is “doing the shelter in place wrong!”

Also the neighbor next to him that is using the house as an Airbnb (thankfully not since the virus thing started) came down tonight and spent the night.

Also, also, I have seen at least five packs of people coming down to access the river this weekend due to the heatwave right now.  They are in groups of 4 – 6 ppl and they sure as shit aren’t social distancing.

(Side note, *future post about how this summer is going to suck because people aren’t locking the gate that accesses the river….*)

It’s these sorts of thing that makes me crazy.  I WANT to stay home, but I cannot.  I have to work.  Yet people are getting antsy because they have been told to stay home and they want to rebel.

I get that you want to make money.  I totally do…that isn’t what this rant is about.

This rant is about the people who treated this “quarantine” as a vacation.  Don’t lie, some of y’all did.  “I get to stay home for three weeks and never have to get out of my PJ’s??  Awesome!”

And now you are antsy.  You have been in the house for a month, you have binge watched everything on Netflix and this is no longer fun for you.  And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight in the near future.

To those people I say: Fuck You.  Guess what…nothing has changed in the last month except your attitude.  You are now chomping at the bit to leave your house and you now think it is “unfair” that you cannot.  While three weeks ago, you clapped along with being a hero so you could sleep in and not have to answer to your boss, now you no longer think it’s necessary because you are bored and want to go get a haircut or play golf.

If that is the case, you never thought it WAS necessary in the first place and only played along to get your stimulus check and have some time off of work.

Suck it up buttercup.  Currently, wanting to leave your house is a LUXURY, NOT A RIGHT!  Not while people are dying. I happen to own several very special humans in my life that are at very high risk of potential death to the virus should they get it.  My mom has ever single one of them…lung disease, diabetes, heart disease…and my husband has a heart condition.  My best friend back home has COPD and is paralyzed.  It’s not like she can get away from someone that has to share her personal space like her caregivers, if they choose to not follow the guidelines and go out to socialize because they are bored.

Y’all need to not be such whiny bitches and stop being so effing selfish.  Because that is the bottom line.  It is blatant selfishness to risk the lives of others so you can feel better about yourself and your day.

Are you healthy?  Is your biggest problem that you want to leave the house to go work out or get a hair cut or your nails done?  Guess what…there are many ppl that have DIED from this virus that will never get to do those things ever again so why don’t you shut the fuck up and not be such a fucking are NOT THAT IMPORTANT!

You don’t know if you are carrying this virus for up to 21 days!!!  You may feel fine and think it’s perfectly okay to go out and about…but you don’t know that!  When I was posed with the question of when I might vacation again when Vegas opened up I said: “Not until is it proven safe.  MY GOOD TIME IS NOT WORTH ACCIDENTALLY KILLING SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!” Read that again.

And now read it one more fucking time!

10 MG – The Celexa Tapering Diaries

Please see my previous entry for the background on this one.
So it turns out that the 10 mg taper has been a lot more difficult than my prior two tapers. I have been a roaring bitch for most of the last two and a half weeks. Also, crying. Weepy for no reason whatsoever out of the blue.
While this was felt to varying degrees on the previous tapers, it feels like it was mild compared to my current situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully functioning. I haven’t missed any work and I’ve even been doing a bit of evening socializing(something I rarely do), but I never know when the bitch switch is going to flip so I would prefer to just curl up in bed with a book.
Now some of this could be due to the time change and the fact that it feels like midnight when I get home from work at night. That alone makes me feel like I’m not doing anything for myself as I only have about an hour or two at night after work before I retire to bed.
The reason I even entertain that is the fact that I took myself shopping on Saturday. I let myself spend a leisurly four hours at the mall. I got some Starbucks, I got a haircut and I got a bunch of new clothes. On Sunday I did practically nothing. I laid in bed and read and played games on my phone. After the weekend, I felt recharged.
I’m still irritable and weepy and I am absolutely dreading when PMS is going to hit this weekend, but I feel better I think than I have the last two weeks.
Having said that, I give you the notes that I have made for my symptoms on this taper:

Flushing – my face has been red and warm for no real reason. (more towards the beginning of the taper) My face tends towards rosacea anyway, but this is noticable when there are no trigger factors involved.

Meh – I had two or three days where I just didn’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no happiness. I was basically just putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions.

Stomach – I’ve had some random stomach issues. Some gastritis, also weird random stomach pains. Not often but a few times. Could be completely unrelated, but I was noting everything that I was feeling.

Disconnected – This kind of goes along with the Meh one. I’m not even sure how to describe it other than I just felt disconnected from things around me. I had no real interaction with things or people and when I had to I was completely faking it.

Heart palpitations – To be fair, I have had these ongoing for a while now because of the Keto diet and my magnesium deficiency, but I felt they have been elevated since I started tapering from the Celexa. Of course like a lot of these symptoms, I never associated them with the withdrawal until recently.

Dizziness – This has been rare and so slight when it happens, that I hesitate to mention it at all. However, I said I would document everything so last week I did have a couple of episodes where I felt a little dizzy upon standing.

Tired – SO TIRED. Again this could be the time change, but I’m just really tired all the time. I take the magnesium and CBD oil to get to sleep and once I’m there I get a really restful sleep, I just still feel tired the next day. It seems to be better this week, but last week was almost unbearable. Just pure physical and mental exaustion.

Emotional (Cranky and Weepy) – This has been the worst so far. It is also the very thing that kept me on the antidepressant for so long. Whenever I would accidently miss a dose I would be hit with such waves of rage and misdirected anger the day after that I just assumed the drug was clearly needed. It never occured to me that it could just be a withdrawal symptom.
I’ve been out of control cranky this taper – but I’ve been warning all my co-workers and my husband and they seem to be taking it okay. My husband has been beyond supportive of my efforts to get off the Celexa. He’s just been amazing and I can’t be thankful enough for this fact.
I get ragey mad over stupid little things like not being able to find my pen on my desk or getting my ring caught in my hair. And then I cry because I know I’m out of control and I think I will never be normal again.
I cry when my husband is supportive. I cry when my dog puts her chin on my arm. I cry when my Amazon order doesn’t come on time. I’m a hot mess.

Eating the world – I have wanted to do nothing but eat of control the last couple of weeks. I’m trying really hard to stay on my diet, but even when I do I’m over eating. Constantly grazing and snacking and eating full meals and not getting full. And then when I am full, having to physically restrain myself from eating more because I just want to stuff my damn face. So much for losing the weight the Celexa makes you gain…

Restless legs – I have never had RLS before and when I started getting it a few weeks ago, I didn’t associate it with the taper. I just figured that it was because I was so tired and well, life after 40 is full of tricky little suprises so this must just be the latest fun thing happening to me. And that could still be the truth, but here I am documenting just in case. I have been using a magnesium spray on my legs at night when I get it and it hasn’t been that bad, but it is there nonetheless.

Neck/Jaw stiffness – I have TMJ and I have for all of my adult life. It has never caused me any real pain, just an annoying click every time I open or close my jaw. It’s one of those things that I figured I would get around to correcting “sometime” but it was never a really high priority.
This is another thing that has been happening that I never associated with the withdrawal. I just figured my TMJ was starting to progress and that could be the case, but I’ve been having a some more ear pains and neck/jaw stiffness lately.

Vivid/Strange Dreams – Holy cow, have my dreams been incredibly lucid and real.  Especially if I have had any amount of alcohol in my body.  I had wine the other night with my friend at dinner and I woke up in a full on panic at the climax of a strange dream where I was running away from something.  My heart was hammering.
My dreams without alcohol are still vivid and freaky, but haven’t seemed as anxious and hard to wake up.
The regular dreams are full of espionage and aliens taking over the planet, and they seem so REAL!!

I’m just shocked and amazed that coming off of Celexa can have this amount of withdrawal symptoms and no one ever told me.  It’s a shame.  People tout the wonders of going on antidepressants, but never tell you the bad stuff when coming off of them.

Dear Neighbor, Lets Talk.

neighbors-neighbors-mooning-hedge-bad-neighbors-demotivational-posters-1313771069Dear Neighbor,

I am really sorry that the house you were living in while you were NOT fixing up your house next door, burned down.  I can’t even fathom being able to afford to live in one place for so many years, while you say you are rebuilding your house.  The truth is, your house got built up into a skeleton of a house.  The structure was there, but there was no outside or inside construction for many years.

It sucks that the place you were staying burned down and now you have to come back here and try to finish what was started.  You don’t really seem prepared for it.  Living in a driveway to an empty shell of a house in an RV with three kids and a wife has got to bite big time.  I get that.   You would think that alone, would be enough reason to speed up the work on your house.

I’m sure that you are aware that my house is at the very end of a one way, dead end street.  You would have to be, because on several nights we have had to get your attention from your RV, so that you could move the minivan that you parked smack dab in the middle of the road right before we could get to our house.

We were always very polite and laughed with you.  I never once complained when I had to get out of my car and move one of your childs Big Wheels into your driveway after it was left in the middle of the road, so I could get home and park in my own driveway.  Those are easy to move.

Lately, however it seems like you just plan on living in your RV, on your property and not really doing much to get yourself inside the sizable house that you own.  That in and of itself doesn’t bother me.

What bothers me is that despite the fact that you have two driveways, you still manage to invade our space with one or more of your cars.

Remember when our seasonal neighbors across the street had to put up a chain across there driveway?  Yeah, that was because you kept parking your POS van in their driveway while they were gone and it leaked oil all over their property.

I get that having an RV, a van and a car might be a tight fit for two driveways.  Perhaps you should have thought of that before you came back?  A few of our other neighbors have the same problem.  They park at the top of the hill and walk down to their property like responsible human beings.

For the last couple of weeks you have been parking in the space above our gate, in front of another seasonal neighbors gate because you know that he is rarely here.  What you don’t know, is when you do that, you make it impossible for my husband to leave for work in the morning without having to do a 3 point turn in our yard.  Tearing up our lawn and causing much frustration.

He is too nice to say anything about it and since I have a zippy little Honda Fit that can zip in and out of most tight spaces without trouble, I never knew this was an issue until recently.

Tonight however, you finally took the cake when I got home to find your crappy van parked halfway into our drive space.  I could barely get my Fit into our driveway without hitting you.  If your car is still there in the morning, Rob will NOT be able to leave for work without bothering you.  There is no way our Odyssey will be able to maneuver around your car.  That will make him late for work because you are more than likely still sleeping at that point.

You can understand the fragility of being nice neighbors and not wanting to rock the boat.  Especially in this day and age, when things can turn violent very fast.  But dude!  You park under a no parking sign every single night in front a property that isn’t yours!  Have some common courtesy!  It’s getting fucking ridiculous!

I will never send this letter, of course.  I’m only a bitch to you if I know you fairly well, but I’m sick of people being stupid!  And you are.

Love and Kisses,


I can't make this shit up.

So on Monday night, Rob said to me that we might drive together to work.

A little back story on this.  Rob and I work in the same business park about a half an hour away.  Recently, my office switched hours from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM with an hour lunch break to 9:00 AM to 5:30 PM with a half an hour lunch break.  It was something we all agreed on as employees to get an extra half an hour of our non work lives back.  This has been going on for about a month now I think and I love it because I get to sleep an extra half hour in the mornings.  So before the hours changed, Rob and I would frequently carpool.  However, since he usually wakes up with the sun and I tend to sleep in, we haven’t been carpooling a lot.

So on Monday night, when Rob said that, he also added that he might not even set his alarm, in hopes that he could sleep in with me.  With that in mind, I set my alarm an extra half an hour early just in case.  He was sleeping when I went to bed so I didn’t clear it with him, just did it.  How I usually work my alarm is to set it for a half an hour before I need to wake up and then snooze it until I can’t milk it any longer.

Tuesday morning rolled around and Rob was once again, up with the sun.  My alarm went off twice and I snoozed it both times before Rob came in and said he changed his mind, he was going to head in to work and we would take separate cars.  In my sleepy haze I had forgotten about setting the alarm a half an hour earlier and thought it odd that he couldn’t just wait another ten minutes for me to get in the shower and get dressed but didn’t question it.  I kissed him goodbye and fell into a light doze until my alarm went off again.

When it did, I grabbed my phone and checked my email for a few minutes.  This is my normal morning routine.  Snooze, sleep.  Snooze, sleep.  Snooze, play on phone until alarm goes off again and then get up and shower.

I did this as I normally do.  Got in the shower, got dressed and headed out the door to work.

I noted that the traffic was a bit different that morning, but didn’t think much about it.  Got into the work parking lot, and tried to open the front door but it was locked.

My supervisor Julie came running up looking at me like I had three heads and unlocked the door.  She said: “Yeah, I don’t normally unlock it until 20 minutes to 9.  I looked back at her like she had five heads and said: “Am I early?”  In my head I only had five minutes to clock in.  She said that I was indeed quite early and pointed to the clock on the wall behind my head that read 8:25 AM.

My mind did a quick spin around and I recapped the events of the morning.  I got up and played on my phone -that CLEARLY displayed the time.  I got in the shower, where we have a CD player that has a clock.  I checked that clock several times to see if I had time to shave my legs and NEVER NOTICED I was a half an hour earlier than I should be.  We have a talking clock that goes off every hour in the kitchen that we never reset after the time change.  While I was getting dressed, I heard it go off saying: “It’s nine o’clock AM” and I laughed to myself, saying out loud: “No it’s not you liar, it’s only eight.”

SO MANY instances that I should have noticed that the time was off, and  yet I didn’t notice a single one.

As I relayed this to Julie, she had a good chuckle but I was truly disturbed.  How in the world did I never notice?

Thankfully, she let me start early and leave at five, but I was seriously mystified at my own lack of attention to the time that morning.  Is this how dementia starts?  I know I am mentally disturbed, but is it going to be certifiable now?

I got home and relayed the story to Rob.  He laughed for a while and then made me feel better by pointing out that I have had the same schedule for ten years before it recently changed.  I was simply on auto pilot, having not remembered that I changed my alarm the night before.  I guess it makes sense, but damn.  I felt like a bit of a buffoon on Tuesday.

Anyhoo, have a great Holiday weekend everyone.

Everything Happens For A Reason.

Everything happens for a reason.  It’s an old saying and it’s a bit cliche, but I have found it to be very true.

I have recently had someone remove themself from my life quite suddenly, and in the most passive aggressive way possible…defriending me from Facebook.  It sounds silly, this happens all the time.  However, this person was like family to me.  Perhaps closer.  I wasn’t the only one she defriended, and my friends told me that should make me feel better, but it didn’t. It made me feel worse, in fact.

For a very long time I couldn’t talk about it.  I went through all the stages of grief that you tend to go through, though not in the usual order.  Disbelief was first, but anger was a very close second.  It was a white hot anger and it hit me hard and fast.  I immediately blocked her from my Facebook account.  This was not the first time she had tried to end our friendship but it was damn sure going to be the last.

I couldn’t talk about it for weeks without tearing up.  My friends that had also been defriended tried to engage me in conversation and I just smiled and shrugged and said: “I’m not ready to talk about that.” or “It is what it is.”

The kicker is that I knew why she did it.  That is not my story to share, but I know why she did.  We all knew.  And when it was pointed out to me by a friend who was trying to be helpful I snapped: “I know that.  I’m aware, but Fuck Her for thinking that our friendship meant so little that she could throw it away over something so stupid.”  Like I haven’t ALWAYS been there for her and NOT judged her.

The truth is that every time I tried to engage her in the weeks prior either backed out at the last minute or flat our said no to my invitation with a flimsy excuse.

So that happened.

Anyhoo, as it turns out that old cliche is pretty accurate.

As time has worn on, I have been seeing a lot of things with clearer eyes.  Enlightened eyes, if you will.  I found out a lot of things that I had suspected in the back of my mind.  Times she had thrown me under the bus at work.  Smack that she talked about me behind my back.  Not to mention the flat out lies that she has told.

All of these things made me take a deeper look at the friendship I thought we had.  And even looking back out our Facebook interactions I see the negativity.  The little digs she would take at me in the “joking banter” that we had.  Her little comments when she didn’t like my hair or my outfit.  Her general negativity for most things that I used to enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that she really did think of me as a friend.  However, with the abruptness that she defriended me I’m not sure if it was the closeness that I thought it had been, but she did enjoy our friendship…that I feel confident of.

My enlightened eyes have, however, afforded me a clarity that seems to keep evolving.  You should never be suspicious about what your friends are saying about you and I always was with her — I later found out for good reason.  I have also, with her absence, begun to embrace things that I used to love before she poisoned my outlook on them.

Recently, a mutual friend of ours called me out on a Facebook post about how I was a horrible friend.  I believe she said something to the effect of the fact that if she could fathom the worst friend in the world, it would be me.  I was really upset.  Not because I really valued this mutual friend but because it showed that lies were being told about me.  And maybe the person telling them even believes them, but as I have been told repeatedly from more that one of my actual friends, no matter what is said, my REAL friends know me and who I am and that is all that really matters in the end.

No one is out to get me.  None of my friends/co-workers/family are actively seeking to destroy me like I was led to believe.  In fact, they very much want me to succeed and shine.  Once I figured this out, my whole outlook changed.

Things in my life are so very different right now.  I am happy.  I am not looking over my shoulder or waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Good things are happening and I am embracing them.  It sounds so very hippie dippie but it’s true.

I’ve been moved to a new position at work that I love!  Rob and I are the most connected we’ve been in a long time and I know for certain in my heart that my friends only want what is best for me and have nothing but happiness for me when I succeed.  I can’t even put into words what a good feeling that is.

Everything DOES happen for a reason.

A Weekend To Myself.

So once a summer a couple that Rob and I are friendly with through the theater throw a great big party at their house in the country.  They live even further out than we do.  It’s only ten miles away from our house but it feels like way more.

Rob attended last year alone because I had theater commitments.  He said it was HOT!  Stifling hot, with no breeze.  And while he enjoyed himself there was a long period of boredom on that Saturday for him because he hadn’t been prepared for the heat.  He had been prepared to take a nap in the tent but the heat proved that not to be an option.  So he read.  My husband doesn’t read, so you KNEW he had to be bored.  That night however there was much music jamming and he was a happy guy.

I had no theater commitments this year but given his account of the heat and boredom I opted to stay home with the dogs this time.  It saved us from either having to burden his parents with watching the dogs or paying money to board them at the vets.  I wasn’t that into the idea of camping in 100 degree weather and then watching a bunch of people play music.

So last night we stopped at the market and got sandwiches.  One or Rob so he would have a good hearty dinner that night and one for me so I wouldn’t have to cook.  We came home and Rob packed everything up for his camping trip.

In doing so he made a lot of noise.  Loud banging and grunting and exclamations.  None of this was bad but all of a sudden Pappy jumped up on the couch and clung to my side.  He could not be consoled.  The nearest I can figure is he thought Rob was mad and it made him nervous.  He is a very sensitive little dog.  As I’ve said before, we think he was abused at the hands of a man before we adopted him.  We don’t know for sure of course, but when we first got him you couldn’t move your hands too fast around him or he would crouch in fear.  You also couldn’t touch his tail, ears or feet without him snapping at you.  He has come a long way over the years of us loving him but last night only validated our thoughts of abuse.  He was so scared that Rob was mad that he wouldn’t leave my lap, constantly licking at any part of me that he could get(he licks when he’s nervous).

Finally I made mention to Rob of what was happening and he came over and sat with us on the couch.  Pappy allowed him to pet him from where he was on my lap but wouldn’t go towards him at all.  Poor little guy.

Rob eventually left and the dogs then kept vigil at the door waiting for him to return for about fifteen minutes.  After that they got up on the couch and looked at me accusingly as if to ask what I had done to drive their father away.  Finally they settled in and we watched Glee all night.  It isn’t one of Rob’s favorite shows so it was nice to know I could watch it without bothering him.

This morning the dogs woke up to their internal alarm clocks as they always do at five thirty AM.  Normally Rob gets up and feeds them and takes them out but with him not here I realized I had to haul my lazy ass out of bed.  I took them out and then fed them and put myself back to bed.  The dogs wrestled next to me for a while and I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a bit until they settled down so I read until about seven and then fell back asleep.

Woke around nine thirty.  I didn’t want to, but the dogs decided it was time to go back outside again.

I ate some of my leftover sandwich and then played Candy Crush Saga for like an hour and a half(SHUT UP!  It’s addicting!).  After eleven I knew the library was open so I hopped in the car and headed over there but even though their website said they had the book I wanted, they did not so I grabbed a copy of “Sh*t My Dad Says” for bathroom reading and came home.

The rest of the day has been pretty unexciting.  I scooped the poop in the yard and then cut down all the grape leaves along our fence.  A shower and redesigned the layout for this blog.  The rest of the night should prove relaxing and uneventful.  I plan on finishing Mockingjay and going to bed early.  This sinus thing has come back with a vengeance and I’m not happy about that.

Sooooo, in review:

I totally take for granted the fact that Rob gets up with the dogs every morning -even weekends- and let’s me sleep in as late as I possibly can.

Also I find myself jumping at shadows and locking the door every single time I come back in.  It’s worth noting that when I was outside picking dog poop the metal fence gate thingie that closes off our driveway opened about a foot and then slammed shut on it’s own.  THERE WAS NO ONE THERE!  That really kinda freaked me out.  *shudder*

In general the time to myself is good, but I kinda miss having him to talk to.  Even when I took weekends to myself in a hotel room I would call him or text him.  Right now he has no phone coverage where he is.  🙁  Yeah, after almost 14 years together even less than two days apart and I miss him.  <3


Spring Cleaning

So you’ve heard of spring cleaning your house? I’m spring cleaning my body.
I have smoked off and on since I was 14 years old. Not something I’m proud of but it’s the truth. (PS if you need to know, I’m 38. Do the math.) And while I’m telling the truth I should mention it’s been more on than off.
A while back I quit for about two years until I became involved in the theater. I don’t blame the theater. The theater did not shove a cigarette into my mouth and light it. However, I was the newbie amongst what seemed like old friends. A lot of them smoked so it seemed like the best way to get to know them if I followed them out and hung out on the smoke breaks. Whatever I have to say to justify it to myself right?
Okay, so it became a habitual thing. You know how some people smoke when they drink? I smoked when I was at the theater. If my car was even pointed within two miles of the theater I was craving a cig. At home I was okay…for awhile.
After a while it started to bleed into my home life. After three years of theater it was time to admit I was a full fledged smoker again.
To add to this, I have been completely lax on my diet for quite some time now. The result of that was me gaining back about 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I haven’t exercised properly since the half marathon in December.
To sum up: I’m a mess.
Cut to last week.
I’m in rehearsals for a new play and I have my first ever solo number. This is kind of a big deal for me so I’ve been practicing the song diligently in my car along with the CD. You know, in the car where I’m sitting down and not moving much at all.
Last week we had to work the choreography for the song. I don’t dance so much as just walk around and emote but HOLY CRAP! To hit the notes I need to hit and hold them? I was winded and seriously didn’t think I could do it! It was kind of a wake up call. I’ve gained so much weight I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me comfortably. I smoke on a daily basis and I don’t work out at all unless you count raising a fork to my mouth.
So this past Monday started a change.
I rejoined weight watchers and started following it diligently. I started jogging again and I quit smoking.
Today is day four without a smoke.
Last night I ran through my solo in front of my castmates with only he piano for music and no back up singers. I was PETRIFIED. After the number the director called for a break and I had all this nervous energy with no where to go. I wanted to smoke so badly. Not sure I’ve ever wanted one so bad in my life. I didn’t smoke. I walked around the stage and talked myself out of it. I figure if I can get through that, I’m good.
Since Monday I have lost three pounds and haven’t had a cigarette. More than that, I FEEL GOOD. My lung capacity feels normal for the first time in a while and I actually looked forward to my jog today.
It’s going to be a long journey but I feel comfortable where I am at this moment and I’m putting this out there for accountability right now.
Other than being tired from work/rehearsal/exercise, I think I’m in a pretty good place and I’ve had a smile on my face most of the day.


I have a tendency to start new hobbies, get obsessed with them, buy up any and all possible materials to work on said hobbies and then lose interest in them after getting busy with work or life. All of the supplies then get moved into the upper house for storage and I await my next hobby/obsession.

I admit that I have probably wasted a ton of money over the years by doing this but I just can’t seem to help it.

Things I have tried and never stuck to:

Jewelry making, Rubber Stamping, Embossing, Cross Stitch, Needlepoint, Selling Avon, Collecting Dolls, Toll Painting, Knitting, and those are all just off the top of my head. I am sure there are tons I am forgetting from years gone by. (To be fair, selling Avon lasted two years but I got PAID for that. Not a lot, but enough.)

I long to be creatively talented but alas, I just can’t seem to stick to anything. I have always and will always write. I don’t see that as a hobby, more like something that is just in my blood. I can’t not do it. But I see all those fun and imaginative things people put up on Pinterest and it makes me want to be artistic like that! I really want to be…I’m just not.

Having that knowledge however has never seemed to stop me from trying. And buying. Beverly’s and Michael’s craft stores shiver with delight when they see me walk through the doors. All the sales people wish that they worked on commission when they see me walking the aisles, placing items into my already overflowing cart. I guess I figure that if I keep trying hard enough eventually something might stick. Never mind that I have been doing this since I was a teenager.

My latest endeavor is crochet. I love the idea of it! I love that you can make so many interesting and different things using just a needle and some yarn. I’m talking anything from a hair scrunchie (I actually made one of those!) to stuffed animals and everything in between. If I had all the time in the world, I would be one of those creepy old ladies that have crocheted EVERYTHING in their house. Crocheted dish towels, coasters, placemats, afghans, baby booties and I don’t even have a baby…you get the idea.

If I had the time, the time and the skill that is. Crocheting is HARD! I’m sure it gets easier, but dang! I am currently working on a beanie for my husband and my hands get ALL KINDS of cramped up.

I guess that is what it boils down to. I don’t like when something gets difficult. I know that pretty much makes me lazy but it is the truth. I want to make cute things and for that matter, be skinny and fit, but only if there is an easy way to do it. I want the body of a runner without having to actually run. I want to lose weight but I want to eat whatever I want. I want to be well educated without having to study. I think we all have a little bit of this personality trait; I just seem to have it in abundance.

Not to the point where I complain about the lack of these things that I want really. I will fully admit to you the reason I am not losing weight is because I choose bad foods to eat and I haven’t exercised in weeks. I’m not sticking my head in the sand and lamenting about how I can’t get all these things. I know perfectly well I could if I just put in the work and effort.

Maybe it’s time to stop working on getting a hobby to stick and start working on motivation to better myself. Something to think about.

Ahhh Sleep Deprivation, we meet again.

I’m in the process of starting up a traveling blog since the only time I ever seem to update this thing is when I’m doing a trip report. I’m not sure if that means I am going to start shutting this one down or not. My goal is to actually start blogging again to get shit out of my head but I’m not sure if that is actually going to happen or not so in the meantime I will be moving my trip reports over to

So we are in the second week of rehearsals for Old Ringers and I think it is going pretty good. The only thing that kind of sucks for me is that rehearsals don’t start until 7:00 PM. I get out of work at 5:30 so that means I have to kill an hour and a half in town. Going home isn’t an option unless I just want to drive home, pet the dogs for five minutes and then head right back out. With gas prices what they are, as much as I love my dogs, that ain’t happening.

Tuesday I went shopping and that was some great retail therapy but my wallet can’t allow that to happen every day. Yesterday I got off work early because it was slow so I was able to go home and relax for a bit but that won’t happen too often anymore.

Today I have a pillow and a blanket in the back of the car and I plan on taking a well deserved nap in the back of the car. Although now that I think about, I think I forgot to take out the dog crate so it might be a tight fit, but I’ll make it work damn it!

I’m tired but I am not even near the tired I will reach when rehearsals really get going. Right now we are I only have to be there three nights a week. I get Mondays and Fridays off until we get into the meat of the rehearsals. And Tuesday’s I only have to be there until eight. My problem is that I went straight into rehearsals after being so sleep deprived from New York. Then last weekend I didn’t get a chance to crash since Rob and I went to see Reefer Madness Friday night and then I had auditions/rehearsals/helping out at the theater all day Saturday. Sunday I was a lump on the couch, but have you ever been so exhausted you couldn’t actually sleep? I think that is the point I had reached.

This weekend will be different. No plans Friday, rehearsal at 1:00 on Saturday so that means sleeping in as long as I can and then that’s it for the rest of the weekend. We will probably visit with Rob’s parents at some point because I know my MIL is wanting to hear about my trip but that should be pretty low key and at our leisure.

The slow weekend will be much needed. I felt myself starting to lose it this morning as I tend to do when I am really lacking on sleep. Nothing I put on from my closet looked right and I know that wasn’t the truth because I just bought like six new tops and two new pairs of jeans and I TRIED THEM ALL ON i the store and loved the way they looked. Then my hair looked like crap…let me tell you something about me and my hair. I COULD CARE LESS what my hair looks like when I am going to work. As long as it is clean it could be a big ball of frizzy split ends, it doesn’t matter. It just goes up in a bun or a ponytail. This morning, it was the end of the world that my side part wasn’t just so. Ridiculous!

I call it Melt Down Mode and it happens during every play I do. Granted it usually happens a lot closer to hell week(the final week of tech and rehearsals) so it worries me a little that it is happening so soon. I think once I get caught up on sleep from New York I will be fine though.
Here’s hoping!!


So after three solid weeks, my head/neck aches seemed to have hit the road.  Thank GOD!  I was really about to just say eff it and get a never ending prescription for Vicodin, lose my job and become a big drooling addicted mess.  Anything to make the pain go away.

As stupid as it sounds I blame most of the cause of the problem on the new car.  When we started commuting to that daily is when the pain started.   And it makes sense.  I made a joke about how I feel like a bobble head in that car because we are so low to the ground and you can feel every bump and dip in the road.  I think it was throwing my neck out of wack.

The week before last Rob had hell week for the burlesque show so I took the van all week…that was when the pain stopped.  Since then when we take the small car I just have been trying to retrain the way I sit to get the least amount of impact on my neck and it seems to be working.  Who knew?

I did however get my eyes checked as a result of the headaches and while he said my eyesight is pretty good he gave me a prescription for when I want to see really clearly.  I ordered a pair from but I won’t get them til Monday.

Being down with the pain did sideline my running for the three weeks and boy was that hard as hell to restart.  I’m back at it now but that first run back?  Holy hell I wanted to cry!  Did 3 miles last weekend and it felt great so I am back in the game for sure.  Which is good since we have a 5K on Sunday in PG.

I rejoined weight watchers last week.  I’ve been doing okay.   I haven’t been anal about everything I eat and that only resulted in a one pound loss this week but a loss is a loss.  Plus I am not driving myself crazy.  I have been loving finding all kinds of new recipes and rediscovering my love of cooking and baking.  I have also discovered Ziplist so I can keep all the new recipes I find in one place and can also access them from an app on my phone.  But this type of talk is for my other journal.

So yeah, disregard the comment on Weight Watchers while I tell you that I stopped for Thai food tonight.  Rob is doing the burlesque show tonight and he won’t be home til late.  On those rare occasions when I have the house to myself  on a Friday night, I’ve always had sort of a tradition of stopping at the Thai place down the street on the way home and picking up some nom noms to eat while watching TV shows I know the husband hates on the DVR.  Tonight it was a last minute decision and called when I was half way home(I used the hands free people, don’t judge me!)  The guy told me a half an hour and of course it only took me ten minutes to get there.  So I show up way before the dishes were done totally of my own fault and I got a free Thai iced tea out of the deal for my trouble.  I tried to pay him for it but he refused.  I love local small town businesses.  🙂

So what else?  Oh, I got a part in another play.  My biggest role yet so I’m pretty excited and nervous at the same time.  The play is called “Old Ringers” and it looks to be pretty darn funny.  We start rehearsing in April and go up in June.  It’s going to be fun to be on stage again.

I’m currently in the market for a new laptop.  I debated on going for a Mac but I can’t justify the cost.  I primarily use my computer for surfing the web, writing, editing websites and editing videos so if anyone has any suggestions please hit me up with them.

Okay, I guess that is all I got right now.  And I say that because Shilo is sitting next to me stomping her little paws, growling and staring at me because I am not playing with her.

Happy Friday!!!



About Me


I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.

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