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New Year, New Goals

I have to ask myself why I am so angry and unhappy all the time lately.
I have a very good life.  A loving husband who puts up with a lot of things most wouldn’t from me.  Two fantastic dogs that keep me giggling and a steady job that pays pretty good.
The bottom line is I have lost focus.  With no theater on the horizon I have become lazy about all other aspects of my life as well.  I need to have some structure in my life now or I will just become a big lump of depression on my couch and no one wants that.
The last month I have really been unfocused on diet and exercise.  Pretty much eating whatever I want and feeling like crap because of it.  I’ve been putting in the bare minimum when it came to exercise only because I had the 5K coming up this last weekend, otherwise I doubt I would have done anything.
I’ve barely done any cleaning around the house and have pretty much just played on the internet and watched movies all month long.
Yesterday it all came to a head.  While I know that I am PMSing there is no reason to blame it all on that.  I woke up with an attitude and didn’t realize it at the time and took out my anger on my husband who didn’t deserve it at all.  There was no reason for me to even be angry yesterday but I was.
I woke up this earlier than normal this morning and as I laid in bed thinking about what was really bothering me and I realized I’m missing a goal.
Since housework is the thing I’ve mostly been neglecting lately, that gets the first focus.  The purge is going to start this week.  I said I was going to do this after getting back from Mom’s house and seeing all the things she had accumulated but I never actually did it.  It is going to now.  I hang on to so much junk thinking I eventually have a use for it, or just out of pure laziness because I don’t want to deal with throwing/giving away things.  Not anymore.  There is going to be a full scale vomiting of my closet and anything I haven’t worn in a month is either being tossed or given away.  That also goes for my vanity drawers and the bathroom cupboards and drawers.  Don’t even get me started on the kitchen!
It’s a new year and time for a new start.  Out with the cobwebs and in the clean!
The diet is also back in full swing and so is my exercise.  Part of the reason I feel like such a slug is that I’m starting to look like one again.  I feel better when I look better so that is the goal.
Plus I might have a trip to New York on the horizon in April and who doesn’t want to look good for that?  🙂
It’s my life and I’m taking it back!

It's a long road but I can walk it.

A friend of mine has taken an interest as of late in trying to make me see things more positively. At first I scoffed at the idea. I’m a positive person. I like to see the good in things.

And then I realized that is true, when it comes to other people. When it comes to myself…not so much.

We all know that we are our own worst critics. I’ve said before that I would be mortified to think of speaking to someone else the way I speak to myself. I guess I just never fully comprehended how hard I was on myself until he pointed it out.

The problem is that I’m not sure how to turn it around. Reprogramming 37 years of negativity is no small task.

I’ve decided to take it one step at a time. For starters I really need to think about just how far I have come.

It tends to not feel like I’ve come a long way because I feel like I have been holding steady at the same weight for many years, but the truth is that I have been losing. Extremely slowly, but still.

But if I step back and look at the giant picture it really is impressive, if I do say so myself. 🙂

I was once so large that I couldn’t tie my own shoes. All footwear had to be slip ons because I was too embarrassed to ask my husband to tie my shoes for me.

I couldn’t walk a half a block without my lower back seizing up and feeling like I was going to die. I remember walking the dog one night in Arizona and almost crying because I thought I was going to have to ask my husband to go get the car a half a block away and come get pick me up.

Last December I paid good money to walk/run 13 miles for FUN and I’m doing it again this year.

All my life I’ve wanted to be a sing and act. When I was a kid/teenager I would hold “concerts” in my living room and act out movies to an imaginary audience when I was home alone. It was all I ever wanted to do but I would never dare actually let anyone see me do it. I was far to painfully shy and the thought of someone watching me “act” or hearing me sing was mortifying! I would rather the world open up and swallow me than face what I’m sure would have been harsh criticism for my stupidity.

In the last year I have acted in three plays, two of which I sang in, and am gearing up for another one next month. And I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it

Recently, I have taken some steps to reconcile relationships with family members that I thought would never be fixed. The fact that I am willing to find forgiveness and even admit that I may have been wrong about some things tells me how much I have grown as a person over the years.

I may still have a long way to go with a lot of things in my life, but I can’t get there without pausing to look back at how far I have come.

 

Depression

It is an unfortunate condition that I have suffered from since I was a teenager.

It can cause me to do a lot of things I shouldn’t want to do. It can cause me to hate myself so much that I want to harm to myself.

It can cause me to carve into my own skin with sharp objects.

It can cause me to overeat until I feel like my stomach is going to explode and then stick my finger down my throat so I can throw it all up.

It can cause me to project anger and other extreme emotions onto other people and situations that don’t deserve them.

It CAN do all those things…if I let it.

I take a daily pill that, along with the knowledge and experience I have in dealing with myself over the years, helps keep all of that at bay.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me though. And because I tend to project my emotions on things that aren’t REALLY the things that are bothering me I don’t notice it right away.

It starts with something stupid, like I have gained weight and yet I can’t stop shoving food in my face. So not only am I fat but I’m a failure as well.

If I am unmotivated at work, it turns into me berating myself for being so stupid and lazy.

When a friend forgets to call me back, then I am such a horrible person that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.

When the house gets cluttered, I am a horrible wife and can’t understand how my husband can stay married to me.

I guess you could say I am kinda hard on myself. My brain speaks to me like an emotionally abusive partner or parent.

My friend Beth once said to me that we would never speak to someone else the way that we speak to ourselves and she is so right.

I would be MORTIFIED to even think something like that about someone else let alone say it to their faces, yet I have no problem letting the venom fly when it comes to myself.

The depression has been sneaking it’s way in for a little while now. I think the trip to Maine really helped it along. The nature of the visit was of course nothing to celebrate but since mom had been doing so much better I was thinking the trip would be okay.

I’m not going to go into the details of the trip because it involves other people that may not be as easygoing about baring their souls on the internet as I am but let’s just say it was a very frustrating trip.

Since coming home I’ve been letting things fester. I think that, along with the weight that I gained while there and the lack of clothes that are fitting me right now, as well as my lack of social interaction since ending the last play have all piled on top of me without my even realizing it.

Late last week I noticed I was just feeling like a big ball of yucky. I had no enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping. In turn I would try and “snap myself out of it” and come off as far too enthusiastic about nothing. VERY manic behavior.

By this weekend I was crying for no reason and I’m not PMSing so I knew it was time to analyze what was going on with me.

And while all of the things I talked about above are all contributing factors to the overall depression I think that the underlying cause is that I am goaless right now.

If I have nothing to focus on I…well, lose focus on everything.

The truth is that I have been without a real goal since the marathon. The plays provided a great distraction and in them I rediscovered the passion for acting and singing that I had when I was a kid. When you are a kid saying you want to be an actress when you grow up is acceptable. As you get older…not so much.

So after Clockwork, I decided I needed a break and I do. I was beginning to forget what my husband and dogs looked like and poor Rob was suffering the consequences of being a house husband all by himself. However with nothing else to focus on I find myself floundering.

What to do?

Well, let’s start with the weight that I am putting on. It makes me miserable to look in a mirror, but what is more important is that I feel like crap because I am eating like crap.

Let’s also think back to the last time I had a nice long chunk of good moods and genuine happiness. Right, when I was exercising at least five days a week.

Can there really be something to this eating right and working out thing??? 😉

So Saturday morning I printed out a bunch of healthy recipes and went grocery shopping. Sunday was spent cooking said recipes and getting back in touch with Sparkpeople.com.

It was there that I remembered Turbo Jam. It was something that I got a long time ago, tried briefly and really liked it but at that point wasn’t sticking to any sort of regular exercise program. I went to the DVD shelf, dusted off the discs and put one in. Pretty fun stuff and a definite work out!

This morning I got up and did it again before work and also walked on my lunch break. I feel amazing right now.

I doubt my depression will ever go away. I’ve been dealing with it off and on since I was 14 or so. I have good days and bad days. What I am learning is how to better deal with the bad days and change my outlook.

So my new goal is to get healthy. I haven’t had a cigarette since we left Maine and now with the eating better and exercising I know that I will feel better. Weight loss will be an excellent side effect but right now it is all about feeling better.

The Day I Should Have Stayed In Bed.

I apparently learned nothing from last Friday night when I had an iced coffee at rehearsal and then couldn’t get to sleep.  Yup, I did the same thing again.  So this morning I woke up around 9:30ish and played with the dog a bit before my alarm clock Rob told me I had to be in the shower and out of the house soon.  So I showered and picked out my clothes and before I knew it I was running late.  Rob nuked some leftover Mexican food(chimi and rice) and put it in my bag and handed me our new Starbucks iced coffee container.  If you haven’t seen them they are just a beverage container that snaps shut so it doesn’t leak.  This was our first use of the cup…this comes into play later.

I headed out of the house and discovered our neighbor had some friends parked right outside our gate.  After many attempts at backing up and moving forward, backing up and moving forward, I was finally able to make it out of our driveway and head out(it is important to note that this particular neighbor was the man that spearheaded a campaign to get NO PARKING signs put in on our street.  There is one right where his friend parked their car…)

As I hit the road I remember that today is the Carmel Valley Fiesta.  I remember this because there is a man standing in the middle of the road holding a detour sign and waving me onto a street that I am not familiar with.  I shrug it off and follow the rest of the traffic, popping open the spout to my new iced coffee cup and taking a slurp.  Eventually I realize I am not going in the correct direction and have to stop and turn around.  This would be strike two I believe.

Finally on familiar ground I start over the grade.  This is a road where you go up over a very curvy mountain top and down the other side.  I realize I am starving so I pop open the container of food Rob has so wonderfully provided for me and eat the rest of the chimichanga like a wild savage while navigating to the top of the grade.  At the top I reach for my iced coffee.  Having drank from it before there is absolutely no reason for me to think that there should be a problem.  I flip the top open and am immediately showered all over my right leg with coffee.

So I guess there is this thing with airtight containers and elevation…

Um, yeah.

Cursing and trying to steer over curvy roads in search of napkins, I decide that I am not currently liking today.

I make it into Monterey and was cut off at a stop light from someone who ran the light, leaving me in the middle of the intersection.  Still not liking today.

Traffic was hell and I managed to get into rehearsal right on time(I usually like to be a few minutes early).

Rehearsal was fine and when we were released I headed out to my car.  Now this part, I admit was totally my fault.  I was parked in a 90 minute spot and totally forgot to go out and move my car.  Yeah, I got my very first parking ticket.

I was done.  Defeated.  The day had won and I had lost.  I got in the car and decided the hell with the diet!  I had heard fabulous things about Gianni’s Pizza and it was right up the road so I headed on over.

Oh. My. God.  That was the best pizza I had ever had.  I got the Alfredo pizza and it was so good I even ate the mushrooms(hate mushrooms!).

My original plan was to go shoe shopping for the vow renewal but I just couldn’t imagine it.  Not today.

So let’s review:

Saturday, August 7 2010=shitty

Gianni’s Pizza=fabulous

Thank you and good night.

It's Amazing What We Can Learn About Ourselves…

So I don’t think I mentioned it in this blog but my husband got a gig playing guitar with a local theater company doing a production of “Repo! The Genetic Opera.”
It came at a really good time for him because he was just finishing up the Wharf to Wharf and the only thing on the horizon music wise for him was another round of Christmas music.
Long story short, I got a part in the play as part of the ensemble/chorus.  I was really scared to to audition and even more petrified to actually get on the stage in front of people.  Over the last couple of weeks I have come to realize a few things about myself.
I don’t think I ever fully realized it, but I’ve spent most of my life trying to go unnoticed by strangers.  I can only imagine that it stems from being overweight and painfully shy in my childhood.  My father wasn’t the nicest man and though my memories are few, I have heard that he wasn’t shy about complaining the weight of his children.
I remember in grade school singing solos in the school play.  I didn’t want to but there wasn’t much of a choice in the matter as our school was very small and everyone had to participate(I got kidney stones one year and was so happy despite the pain I was in because I was hospitalized and didn’t have to do the school play).  Let’s just say kids are cruel  and no one likes to be made fun of.

Now, if I get to know you pretty well and we get along, you know that I am NOT shy at that point.  In fact, I can be kind of loud and obnoxious at times(who me?  Never!) However, if I just met you, don’t expect me to show it.  The little shy fat girl comes out very timidly when I first meet people.  Especially if it is a large group of people I don’t know.  You can bet in that case I am going to do my best impersonation of the wallpaper.  If you can’t see me, you can’t make fun of me.
It has gotten better as I get older and meet more people but in my mind I tend to want to scream: “Don’t pay attention to me!!!”
Having said that, you can only imagine how nerve-wracking it was for me to have to get up in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and not being allowed to try and blend into the background.

When I was finally able to relax and take a step back I realized that everyone is there for the same reason.  To BE noticed.  Isn’t that the whole point of performing?  And not only that, but I’m not me.  I’m playing a character and so is everyone else!  No one is going to judge me or make fun of me because we are all here for the common cause.  As long as I don’t suck eggs at what I am doing, it is going to be fine.
It was a huge Ah-ha! moment for me.  Once I embraced it I was able to feel at ease and actually enjoy what I was doing.

Last night after I got home I was almost unable to get to sleep because my brain was humming with how much fun I had and how much I was going to enjoy the next rehearsal!

Anyone who has acted or performed might think this feeling is a no brain-er but to me, it was a fabulous feeling.  I am so happy I found it and I can’t wait to keep acting after this performance is over.  😀

Our Beloved PT Cruiser=FAIL

As I was driving to work yesterday morning my check engine light flashed on and at that instant I felt all resistance underneath the gas pedal go away.  Thankfully I was in an area where I was able to pull off  to the side of the road and make sure I was safe.  If it had happened ten minutes prior to that it would have found me on a very curvy mountain road with lots of blind curves and no where to pull off.  I still shudder to think of that happening.
The first thing I did was call my work and let them know even though I was less than two miles away, I was going to be late.  The next call was to my husband since he had the AAA card in his wallet.  In a stroke of good luck, he was on the road and only ten minutes away so he told me to sit tight and we would call AAA when he got there.
I hung up the phone and tried to start the engine again but there was just no luck, it wasn’t turning over.  Soon after a motorcycle cop pulled up beside me and asked if I was okay.  I told him what had happened and that my husband was on the way.  He asked if I had AAA and I said yes but my husband had our info so we would call when we got there.  He told me that they tend to act faster if they are dispatched by the cops so I let him call it in and once he was sure I was safe he took off and Rob pulled in behind me.
The tow-truck arrived with no problems and then Rob dropped me off at work.
As it turns out the timing belt busted.  The same timing belt that we were going to have replaced next week.  Yeah.
This is the second time in the last two months the PT has failed on us.  Luckily the first time was in our own driveway but let’s just say I am not a big fan of being stranded on the side of the road.
We are faced with a very difficult decision right now.  The PT is our “reliable” car.  The one we are planning on driving to Vegas in twice this year.  The car we didn’t plan on replacing for at least another two years, but we are both having some serious doubts about what sort of life might be left in it.  We love the car and it hasn’t really given us any problems other than normal wear and tear until recently, but can we trust it?
We obviously don’t want a car payment again and we can’t afford a brand new one so it begs the question do we go into getting another used car that we have to have a payment on and don’t know they full history on?  Or do we stick with the car that is already paid for and we know all about it’s quirks and problems?
This is not an easy choice and it is stressing us out!
In a brighter note I am quite proud of the way I handled myself during the crisis of being left on the side of the road.  I don’t do well in stressful situations, especially when by myself.  I’m pleased that I was able to remain calm and not panic or cry during any part of yesterday morning.  I of course had a panic attack later on at work while thinking if it had broken down while I was on the mountain top but thank goodness it didn’t.

My Day At Jury Duty

Happy St. Paddy’s Day everyone.  Even if you aren’t Irish, make sure you get your fill of corned beef and green beer today!
Earlier this week marked my first ever experience with Jury Duty.  Since my work pays for the first 3 days of Jury Duty and I was curious to see how the whole process worked, it wasn’t that big of a hassle to me to be called.
The only difference in my morning was that I actually had to leave even earlier than a work morning so that was a bit blah but I still managed to make it there mostly on time.
We were all gathered in a fairly small room with limited seating, I’d say there was roughly 100 of us.  It was first come first serve on the chairs of course, and since I had trouble finding a parking space I got to stand.
Prior to leaving my  house that morning, I had called the recorded message at the courthouse to get directions.  In that message they also mention that the dress code of business was strongly encouraged.  I quickly ditched my capri jeans, t shirt and sneakers for my dressy black sweater, a pair of dark pants and my black wedge heels.
After arriving I looked around the room and realized I needn’t have bothered to take the dress code so seriously. Since I had however, now I had to stand in my heels.  Note to self: Next time leave fifteen minutes earlier…oh and dress comfy.
Soon after I got there the clerk announced that some new motions had been filed Friday and the attorneys were meeting with the Judge to go over them so they wouldn’t be ready for us until at least ten.  She invited everyone to go stretch their legs and walk around, just to stay within yelling distance.
I quickly seized my opportunity, snagging an abandoned chair in the back, parking myself and pulling out my Iphone.
With two hours to kill, I was glad I had thought to bring my current library book.  If I relied only on my phone for entertainment the battery would be dead by noon.
I did email back and forth with Rob and text with Michaelle but for the most part I read my book.
Around ten fifteen or so the clerk was updated again and she informed us that both parties might be approaching settlement and if that happened we could all go home.  The catch was, that they wouldn’t know that until at least one in the afternoon.  After the collective groan from the crowd, she smiled and told us that due to the timing, she was going to release us for lunch on the condition that we come back at 1:15.  If they had settled we could go home, otherwise we would have to start the jury selection process.
This news was met with a much more positive response.  Two and a half hour lunch?  Hell yeah, sign me up!
Taking full advantage of the location and the time I had, I motored over to Del Monte Center.  The first thing I did was get my wedding ring sized.
Ever since I dropped the weight my wedding ring hasn’t fit.  Since I have gotten various anniversary rings over the years I just never got around to getting it sized down.  I just took to wearing it on my thumb on my left hand.
With the vow renewal looming in August, we figured it was a good time to get the ring re-sized.  That way I can use my original ring for the ceremony as well as my new engagement ring.
After I dropped that off I contemplated getting a pedicure but it looked like all the chairs were filled, so I headed over to Pizza My Heart instead.  I had brought a salad with me in case the lunch break wasn’t that long but I really didn’t feel like a salad.  Not that I ever really feel like a salad, but that is neither here nor there.
I had never eaten from Pizza My Heart before but had heard nothing but good things about them from my co-workers.  Rob and I were going to try and order delivery from them when we spent the weekend in Santa Cruz last year but their prices for a full pizza are pretty high and we are cheap so we went with another place.
I ordered 2 slices of D’lex Chicken & Bacon and a drink for five bucks so apparently, by the slice is the way to go when it comes to prices.  VERY good pizza by the way.
After I was done eating, I still had more time to kill so I hit Claire’s.  It is my favorite crap accessory store ever!  Then it was off hit up Cold Stone for a waffle bowl full of Cake Batter ice cream.  What?  Don’t judge me!  It was mandated Jury Duty food.  I was required to eat it by law!
At that point I still had a little less than an hour but I wanted to get a good parking space so I headed back to the courthouse.  I got a space right up front, opened all the windows in the PT, reclined the chair and read my book.  So far I didn’t understand why everyone complained about Jury Duty.  Seemed pretty sweet to me!
Once everyone had reconvened in the room, all hoping for a settlement.  Our hopes were dashed when the clerk informed us that there was no settling and that we had to all go up to the courtroom right away so we could start the jury selection process.
We started the painfully slow process of filing one by one through the metal detector and into the courthouse and ended up on the second floor crammed into a courtroom with way too little seating for the group of us.
This was finally when it began to sink in why people hate being called for Jury Duty.  Not necessarily being on a jury but the selection process is so long and tedious and BORING!
Once I was finally able to sit down, I was struck by how uncomfortable the “bench” was.  Hard, unforgiving pressed wood in the shape of an L.  I began to hope I got picked just so I could sit in the jury box in the comfy chairs.
They picked 17 people to go to the jury box and sit there while the judge asked them questions about things that might be a conflict if they served on the case.  While she was asking them we were instructed to listen carefully and write down on our own if we had any questions we would answer yes to.  So I wasn’t able to read my book because I was paying attention.
At the end of the questions the potential jurors then read off a questionnaire answering questions about themselves.
Once the judge eliminated a few people she called more up and then the lawyers got to ask questions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
The longer I sat there, the more uncomfortable the bench got.  Finally I got my row to myself and tried to stretch out but that just hurt my back worse.  I also gave up trying to look like I was paying attention and whipped out my book.  Anything to make the time go faster.
Around four it was starting to look like we were going to have to come back the next day to continue with the selection when by some miracle no one else on the panel had any conflicts and the jury was picked.
I honestly felt kind of gypped because I didn’t even get to get interviewed.  I mean, I wasted an entire day and didn’t even get to get up in the jurors box and talk about myself.  Then I realized that I had been paid to go shopping, eat pizza, email my husband and read.  I really had no room to complain.
Overall, I was glad to have the experience.  I’m grateful that I live in a country that has such a system in place where people are innocent until proven guilty.
Having said that, I never want to sit through jury selection again!

The first step

11216245145E0knLI met with my friend Deborah’s daughter Eva tonight.  Eva has been in several plays, most of which have been put on by the college that is putting on RENT.  A while back Deborah had volunteered Eva to help me with my singing and stage fright.  Tonight, I took her up on it.

I was really nervous.  This was my first time singing FOR REAL in front of someone other than my husband in many years….well, other than my mom on the phone this weekend.  🙂

They put in my background music CD and allowed me to face away from them while singing.

What I discovered tonight is that the singing that first note is the hardest.  I was shaking and  sweating the whole way through the song, but I did catch my stride after the first couple of notes.  While I may not have sung them all perfectly, I kept going.  There was a problem with me singing the bridge because it has a funky part with background singing and lead vocals but I did the best I could and managed to finish the song fairly strong.

And you know what?  Once I had done it, once it was over, it was just that.  Over.  Three little minutes.  Three little minutes make me THAT nervous??  I was almost on a high after it was done.

We sat down and Eva gave me some tips and pointers.  I have too much vibrato in my voice.  I’ve always thought that to be so but no one has ever said anything about it until tonight and I’m glad for it.  She said that she has had the same problem in the past and it is possible to reign it in.  I just have to learn how.  🙂

Overall, I feel that tonight was successful in many ways.  I took the first step in overcoming my fears of singing in public and got not only some positive feedback but some suggestions on how to improve my audition.

I’m very thankful that they allowed me into their home and helped me with something that has been worrying me for quite a while now.

Oh and in case you are wondering, Eva is a fantastic singer and would be a perfect Mimi in RENT.  😀

Scared to Death

untitledI love to sing.

I LOVE to sing! 

I sing in the car at the top of my lungs.  It is one of the things I truly love to do.  So you would think I would be comfortable singing in front of others right? 

Ummm…not so much.  I feel that I have a semi good voice, but I have always felt, my whole life that I will be judged harshly for my voice. 

I guess it comes from when I was a kid…

I never wanted to sing in the school play.  I never asked to.  But there were certain people in my grade school that got picked to sing and so they did.  I remember being a fat kid and hating the attention.  This was made so much worse when I would hear the small selection of kids making snarky remarks behind me after I stopped singing in rehearsal.

I don’t know if that created it, or made it worse but whatever it was, it resulted in a severe phobia of singing in public.  Now I can sing in the car with other people there.  I can sing along with my IPOD when I’m at my desk at work.  This is all done at a soft level and because there is the song in the background with a real singer singing, it doesn’t bother me.  However, if I were up in front of people with only background music…where you could hear all my perceived mistakes…just the thought makes me want to start shaking and vomit with fear.

This creates quite a problem with someone who loves to sing.

So this brings me to my point…

If you know me, even only a TINY bit, you know that I love the movie/play RENT…I may even be obsessed with it.

So here is the thing.  Our local college is putting on the play RENT.  The auditions will be taking place in a little more than a month.  I have been practicing my song and I am fully aware that I have no shot at a main role in the play.  I would be happy to push a broom in this play, just to be a part of it.

So how does a person that is deathly afraid of public speaking/singing get over it?  I honestly am at a loss, but I know that if I don’t audition, even if I blow it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I’m seriously thinking about hypnosis or something. 

Thoughts?

A light at the end of the tunnel?

sick_in_bedFriday night I still had no appetite and the headache from hell, but thanks to sleeping most of the day I was wide awake.    So I stayed up watching a marathon of Roseanne on TVLand while coughing, blowing snot and taking my temp.  It was back up to a low grade temp of 100.something.

Finally I crawled into bed and slept. 

Saturday was spent without much of an appetite watching Gilmore Girls and playing games on Facebook.  Nothing held my interest because of the heinous headache I was still fighting but in the early evening I started to feel a bit better.  Rob inquired as to what I wanted for dinner and I was so sick of soup and noodles that I asked if we had any frozen pizzas.  It just sounded good.

When I woke up nauseated at one this morning I realized I might have made a poor choice.  When I had ralphed into the wastebasket in the living room three times I KNEW I had.  And through it all the constant fiery headache was there along with the fever that climbed back up to 102.  After I threw up the last time I instantly took an advil and a tums and I’m not sure if I was just done or that helped.  Either way, I was grateful.  Rob got up around four and we watched some old school 90210 on the SOAP network before crawling back into bed around five or so. 

I woke up at nine this morning completely soaked.  I’m talking I could have rung out my PJ’s and bedding and gotten a gallon of water.  Rob was going to the store so I got up and checked my email.  I kept marveling to myself how much better I felt until it hit me…my headache was gone.  The constant stabbing, agonizing pain in my head that had been there since Wednesday was gone.  Not masked slightly by the advil, but GONE!  I took my temp and it was 98.  Oh glory! 

Until it was gone, I had no idea how incapacitating this headache had been.  Even now, I am amazed at how much better it feels just not having it. 

I’m still stuffy, I’m still coughing and my temp has crept up to 99.7 but even so, I’m pretty certain I have turned a corner and am on the mend.  *knocks wood*

About Me

 

I am a 40 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy knitting and crocheting, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.

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