It's Amazing What We Can Learn About Ourselves…
So I don’t think I mentioned it in this blog but my husband got a gig playing guitar with a local theater company doing a production of “Repo! The Genetic Opera.”
It came at a really good time for him because he was just finishing up the Wharf to Wharf and the only thing on the horizon music wise for him was another round of Christmas music.
Long story short, I got a part in the play as part of the ensemble/chorus. I was really scared to to audition and even more petrified to actually get on the stage in front of people. Over the last couple of weeks I have come to realize a few things about myself.
I don’t think I ever fully realized it, but I’ve spent most of my life trying to go unnoticed by strangers. I can only imagine that it stems from being overweight and painfully shy in my childhood. My father wasn’t the nicest man and though my memories are few, I have heard that he wasn’t shy about complaining the weight of his children.
I remember in grade school singing solos in the school play. I didn’t want to but there wasn’t much of a choice in the matter as our school was very small and everyone had to participate(I got kidney stones one year and was so happy despite the pain I was in because I was hospitalized and didn’t have to do the school play). Let’s just say kids are cruel and no one likes to be made fun of.
Now, if I get to know you pretty well and we get along, you know that I am NOT shy at that point. In fact, I can be kind of loud and obnoxious at times(who me? Never!) However, if I just met you, don’t expect me to show it. The little shy fat girl comes out very timidly when I first meet people. Especially if it is a large group of people I don’t know. You can bet in that case I am going to do my best impersonation of the wallpaper. If you can’t see me, you can’t make fun of me.
It has gotten better as I get older and meet more people but in my mind I tend to want to scream: “Don’t pay attention to me!!!”
Having said that, you can only imagine how nerve-wracking it was for me to have to get up in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and not being allowed to try and blend into the background.
When I was finally able to relax and take a step back I realized that everyone is there for the same reason. To BE noticed. Isn’t that the whole point of performing? And not only that, but I’m not me. I’m playing a character and so is everyone else! No one is going to judge me or make fun of me because we are all here for the common cause. As long as I don’t suck eggs at what I am doing, it is going to be fine.
It was a huge Ah-ha! moment for me. Once I embraced it I was able to feel at ease and actually enjoy what I was doing.
Last night after I got home I was almost unable to get to sleep because my brain was humming with how much fun I had and how much I was going to enjoy the next rehearsal!
Anyone who has acted or performed might think this feeling is a no brain-er but to me, it was a fabulous feeling. I am so happy I found it and I can’t wait to keep acting after this performance is over. 😀
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