It is an unfortunate condition that I have suffered from since I was a teenager.
It can cause me to do a lot of things I shouldn’t want to do. It can cause me to hate myself so much that I want to harm to myself.
It can cause me to carve into my own skin with sharp objects.
It can cause me to overeat until I feel like my stomach is going to explode and then stick my finger down my throat so I can throw it all up.
It can cause me to project anger and other extreme emotions onto other people and situations that don’t deserve them.
It CAN do all those things…if I let it.
I take a daily pill that, along with the knowledge and experience I have in dealing with myself over the years, helps keep all of that at bay.
Sometimes it sneaks up on me though. And because I tend to project my emotions on things that aren’t REALLY the things that are bothering me I don’t notice it right away.
It starts with something stupid, like I have gained weight and yet I can’t stop shoving food in my face. So not only am I fat but I’m a failure as well.
If I am unmotivated at work, it turns into me berating myself for being so stupid and lazy.
When a friend forgets to call me back, then I am such a horrible person that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.
When the house gets cluttered, I am a horrible wife and can’t understand how my husband can stay married to me.
I guess you could say I am kinda hard on myself. My brain speaks to me like an emotionally abusive partner or parent.
My friend Beth once said to me that we would never speak to someone else the way that we speak to ourselves and she is so right.
I would be MORTIFIED to even think something like that about someone else let alone say it to their faces, yet I have no problem letting the venom fly when it comes to myself.
The depression has been sneaking it’s way in for a little while now. I think the trip to Maine really helped it along. The nature of the visit was of course nothing to celebrate but since mom had been doing so much better I was thinking the trip would be okay.
I’m not going to go into the details of the trip because it involves other people that may not be as easygoing about baring their souls on the internet as I am but let’s just say it was a very frustrating trip.
Since coming home I’ve been letting things fester. I think that, along with the weight that I gained while there and the lack of clothes that are fitting me right now, as well as my lack of social interaction since ending the last play have all piled on top of me without my even realizing it.
Late last week I noticed I was just feeling like a big ball of yucky. I had no enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping. In turn I would try and “snap myself out of it” and come off as far too enthusiastic about nothing. VERY manic behavior.
By this weekend I was crying for no reason and I’m not PMSing so I knew it was time to analyze what was going on with me.
And while all of the things I talked about above are all contributing factors to the overall depression I think that the underlying cause is that I am goaless right now.
If I have nothing to focus on I…well, lose focus on everything.
The truth is that I have been without a real goal since the marathon. The plays provided a great distraction and in them I rediscovered the passion for acting and singing that I had when I was a kid. When you are a kid saying you want to be an actress when you grow up is acceptable. As you get older…not so much.
So after Clockwork, I decided I needed a break and I do. I was beginning to forget what my husband and dogs looked like and poor Rob was suffering the consequences of being a house husband all by himself. However with nothing else to focus on I find myself floundering.
What to do?
Well, let’s start with the weight that I am putting on. It makes me miserable to look in a mirror, but what is more important is that I feel like crap because I am eating like crap.
Let’s also think back to the last time I had a nice long chunk of good moods and genuine happiness. Right, when I was exercising at least five days a week.
Can there really be something to this eating right and working out thing??? 😉
So Saturday morning I printed out a bunch of healthy recipes and went grocery shopping. Sunday was spent cooking said recipes and getting back in touch with Sparkpeople.com.
It was there that I remembered Turbo Jam. It was something that I got a long time ago, tried briefly and really liked it but at that point wasn’t sticking to any sort of regular exercise program. I went to the DVD shelf, dusted off the discs and put one in. Pretty fun stuff and a definite work out!
This morning I got up and did it again before work and also walked on my lunch break. I feel amazing right now.
I doubt my depression will ever go away. I’ve been dealing with it off and on since I was 14 or so. I have good days and bad days. What I am learning is how to better deal with the bad days and change my outlook.
So my new goal is to get healthy. I haven’t had a cigarette since we left Maine and now with the eating better and exercising I know that I will feel better. Weight loss will be an excellent side effect but right now it is all about feeling better.
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