Health
It's a long road but I can walk it.
A friend of mine has taken an interest as of late in trying to make me see things more positively. At first I scoffed at the idea. I’m a positive person. I like to see the good in things.
And then I realized that is true, when it comes to other people. When it comes to myself…not so much.
We all know that we are our own worst critics. I’ve said before that I would be mortified to think of speaking to someone else the way I speak to myself. I guess I just never fully comprehended how hard I was on myself until he pointed it out.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to turn it around. Reprogramming 37 years of negativity is no small task.
I’ve decided to take it one step at a time. For starters I really need to think about just how far I have come.
It tends to not feel like I’ve come a long way because I feel like I have been holding steady at the same weight for many years, but the truth is that I have been losing. Extremely slowly, but still.
But if I step back and look at the giant picture it really is impressive, if I do say so myself. 🙂
I was once so large that I couldn’t tie my own shoes. All footwear had to be slip ons because I was too embarrassed to ask my husband to tie my shoes for me.
I couldn’t walk a half a block without my lower back seizing up and feeling like I was going to die. I remember walking the dog one night in Arizona and almost crying because I thought I was going to have to ask my husband to go get the car a half a block away and come get pick me up.
Last December I paid good money to walk/run 13 miles for FUN and I’m doing it again this year.
All my life I’ve wanted to be a sing and act. When I was a kid/teenager I would hold “concerts” in my living room and act out movies to an imaginary audience when I was home alone. It was all I ever wanted to do but I would never dare actually let anyone see me do it. I was far to painfully shy and the thought of someone watching me “act” or hearing me sing was mortifying! I would rather the world open up and swallow me than face what I’m sure would have been harsh criticism for my stupidity.
In the last year I have acted in three plays, two of which I sang in, and am gearing up for another one next month. And I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it
Recently, I have taken some steps to reconcile relationships with family members that I thought would never be fixed. The fact that I am willing to find forgiveness and even admit that I may have been wrong about some things tells me how much I have grown as a person over the years.
I may still have a long way to go with a lot of things in my life, but I can’t get there without pausing to look back at how far I have come.
Depression
It is an unfortunate condition that I have suffered from since I was a teenager.
It can cause me to do a lot of things I shouldn’t want to do. It can cause me to hate myself so much that I want to harm to myself.
It can cause me to carve into my own skin with sharp objects.
It can cause me to overeat until I feel like my stomach is going to explode and then stick my finger down my throat so I can throw it all up.
It can cause me to project anger and other extreme emotions onto other people and situations that don’t deserve them.
It CAN do all those things…if I let it.
I take a daily pill that, along with the knowledge and experience I have in dealing with myself over the years, helps keep all of that at bay.
Sometimes it sneaks up on me though. And because I tend to project my emotions on things that aren’t REALLY the things that are bothering me I don’t notice it right away.
It starts with something stupid, like I have gained weight and yet I can’t stop shoving food in my face. So not only am I fat but I’m a failure as well.
If I am unmotivated at work, it turns into me berating myself for being so stupid and lazy.
When a friend forgets to call me back, then I am such a horrible person that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.
When the house gets cluttered, I am a horrible wife and can’t understand how my husband can stay married to me.
I guess you could say I am kinda hard on myself. My brain speaks to me like an emotionally abusive partner or parent.
My friend Beth once said to me that we would never speak to someone else the way that we speak to ourselves and she is so right.
I would be MORTIFIED to even think something like that about someone else let alone say it to their faces, yet I have no problem letting the venom fly when it comes to myself.
The depression has been sneaking it’s way in for a little while now. I think the trip to Maine really helped it along. The nature of the visit was of course nothing to celebrate but since mom had been doing so much better I was thinking the trip would be okay.
I’m not going to go into the details of the trip because it involves other people that may not be as easygoing about baring their souls on the internet as I am but let’s just say it was a very frustrating trip.
Since coming home I’ve been letting things fester. I think that, along with the weight that I gained while there and the lack of clothes that are fitting me right now, as well as my lack of social interaction since ending the last play have all piled on top of me without my even realizing it.
Late last week I noticed I was just feeling like a big ball of yucky. I had no enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping. In turn I would try and “snap myself out of it” and come off as far too enthusiastic about nothing. VERY manic behavior.
By this weekend I was crying for no reason and I’m not PMSing so I knew it was time to analyze what was going on with me.
And while all of the things I talked about above are all contributing factors to the overall depression I think that the underlying cause is that I am goaless right now.
If I have nothing to focus on I…well, lose focus on everything.
The truth is that I have been without a real goal since the marathon. The plays provided a great distraction and in them I rediscovered the passion for acting and singing that I had when I was a kid. When you are a kid saying you want to be an actress when you grow up is acceptable. As you get older…not so much.
So after Clockwork, I decided I needed a break and I do. I was beginning to forget what my husband and dogs looked like and poor Rob was suffering the consequences of being a house husband all by himself. However with nothing else to focus on I find myself floundering.
What to do?
Well, let’s start with the weight that I am putting on. It makes me miserable to look in a mirror, but what is more important is that I feel like crap because I am eating like crap.
Let’s also think back to the last time I had a nice long chunk of good moods and genuine happiness. Right, when I was exercising at least five days a week.
Can there really be something to this eating right and working out thing??? 😉
So Saturday morning I printed out a bunch of healthy recipes and went grocery shopping. Sunday was spent cooking said recipes and getting back in touch with Sparkpeople.com.
It was there that I remembered Turbo Jam. It was something that I got a long time ago, tried briefly and really liked it but at that point wasn’t sticking to any sort of regular exercise program. I went to the DVD shelf, dusted off the discs and put one in. Pretty fun stuff and a definite work out!
This morning I got up and did it again before work and also walked on my lunch break. I feel amazing right now.
I doubt my depression will ever go away. I’ve been dealing with it off and on since I was 14 or so. I have good days and bad days. What I am learning is how to better deal with the bad days and change my outlook.
So my new goal is to get healthy. I haven’t had a cigarette since we left Maine and now with the eating better and exercising I know that I will feel better. Weight loss will be an excellent side effect but right now it is all about feeling better.
The 21-day purification program is so effective because it focuses on the whole person–making better food and beverage choices, taking whole food supplements, reducing stress, and increasing exercise. The purification program is more than just a diet. It encourages patients to adopt a healthier lifestyle, which, in turn, helps them look and feel better.
This streamlined, easy-to-follow program emphasizes whole, organic, and unprocessed foods; whole food supplements; and water. Vegetables and fruit are eaten from days 1-10, with select proteins added at day 11. Whole food supplements taken during the program include: SP Cleanse®, SP Green Food®, SP Complete® or SP Complete® Dairy Free, and Gastro-Fiber® . Other supplements such as Whey Pro Complete, a protein powder with 15 grams of protein per serving, can also be added to the protocol to support purification.
To assist the patient during purification, we provide an all-in-one purification guide that describes the program and offers features such as an FAQ section; a tear-off shopping list; program-friendly shake and salad accent recipes; a daily intake journal; and an area for you to recommend additional supplements.
So there is that…
This is a program recommended by the doctor that I work for. Several of the girls in the office have done this program multiple times with great results. Two of my co-workers are starting on it again on Monday. I have often voiced that I needed to try the program but it is soooo strict and I was never confident in my ability to stick to it.
Today I decided I needed to take the bull by the horns and just commit. I’m sick of being sick. And perhaps the reason I have been sick so often lately is that all I’ve done since Repo started was eat crap. Soda, caffeine, salt up the ying yang and told get me started on all the processed fast food crap. Plus not being able to get back even to my weight watchers diet for more than a day or two.
I need something that is going to kick me in the ass. Something that I will commit to because, well the suppliments can get a little pricey and I’m not one to waste money, but also because I will have two friends/co-workers doing it at the same time that I can lean on. They have both done it before and they are both very supportive of me doing this with them.
I’ve been sick more since August than I have been in the last five years. I can’t say that for sure that it is related to my icky eating habits but SOMETHING is wrong. What can it hurt to try something new? It’s only for three weeks right?
I’m going to do it! And I’m probably going to be a bitch for a few days…you have been warned. 🙂
Husband Health Woes…I’m scared
11:00 AM
Rob and I got a hotel room this weekend just for fun.
Last night he went home with a stomach ailment and told me to stay here.
He will be here in a few minutes to pick me up so we can drive to the hospital. He is in agony with stomach pains and I am scared.
I will update when I know more.
7:00 PM
We still don’t know anything. Rob is in the ER as I type this. I came home to give the dog his pill. We know that he’ll be there at least until nine because they gave him some stuff to drink for his catscan and they told him it takes two hours to get through his system…that is if he can keep it down. He threw up a tiny bit before I left and they gave him something in his IV to “relax” him. When I left he had just finished the drink they gave him and was going to lay down for a nap(the nurse let him shut out the lights in his little curtained-off area). He is still in tons of pain. He said he has never felt pain like this in his life.
It was everything I could do not to fall apart tonight and I’m not saying that I won’t. I am trying to be strong because the last thing Rob needs right now is a weepy wife but it is killing me to watch him go through this. And knowing there is NOTHING I can do.
Right now he is SOOOO frustrated that the ER is taking so long to get to the root of the problem. He keeps complaining about how they really already know what is wrong with him they are just milking it for the insurance money. All he wants to do is come home.
I just hope he keeps that drink down. They told him there was only one other way to get it into his system and it’s not thru an IV!! Yikes!
I feel so bad. I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. He is in so much pain. I just want him to get better.
11:00 PM
Okay, I’m back at the hotel…
When I left, the status was still up in the air but they are suspecting pancreatitis…however you spell it. Basically, it’s not good.
When I left his CT info wasn’t back yet but he was definitely staying the night. He kind of kicked me out. He said that me staying wasn’t going to do either of us any good. My time would be better spent packing up and sleeping at the hotel and then coming back in the morning. I think I was annoying him asking if there was anything I could do every five minutes.
I’m kind of numb right now.
I don’t really have anything else to say…except my friends are amazing and I love them…and I love my husband more than life itself and I don’t know what I would do without him.
Any Male Readers, Run Screaming From This Post.
I had to have an ultra sound today as I have been having very irregular periods over the last few months and I wanted to get down to the bottom of it. Actually I just wanted to get on the pill to try and regulate them it’s my doctor wants to get down to the bottom of it.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and the male nurse that saw me heard the word Period come out of my mouth and announced that I needed a pap smear. As he was flying out the door to relay this to my doctor I had to shout after him that I was still, in fact, on my period.
“Well, um, uh, then…we have a problem.” Was his response. He ran out the door to discuss with the doctor and came back asking me when I would no longer be bleeding. I informed him that that was the whole problem. I do not know when I will stop because last month I didn’t stop at all. He got kind of flustered and said: “Ummm, I gotta go ask the doctor again.” As he flew out the door a second time he actually muttered: “I’m so glad I’m not a woman.”
My doctor finally came in and we discussed what was happening. She said the first thing she wanted to test for was to see if I was anemic or not. Ironically the way to test for this is to take blood. I asked if there was a blood test to see if you have diabetes. She said yes but that I should really be fasting when I do it so I told her to write down that test and I will do it some morning on my way to work.
The second thing she wanted to make sure about was that my ovaries and uterus were functioning properly. She wanted to make sure there are no cysts or what have you that might be possibly causing this bleeding. That brings us to today’s lovely visit to another doctor to have my insides checked.
When you have an ultra sound done they make you down 44 ounces of water an hour before your visit. I followed directions. I drank so much water I was sick to my stomach. Yet when I finally got into the examining room and they started using the little scanner looking thing, she told me that my bladder was not full and I would have to go out to the waiting room and drink more water. As you can imagine, drinking more water was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it.
After about 45 minutes another girl came and took me in a different examining room. She said my bladder was full enough to see my uterus but not my ovaries. She went on further saying that it didn’t matter since they can take pictures of those when she does the probe.
WHAT?????
My doctor conveniently forgot to mention that she had ordered a probe as well as the ultra sound. Oh, and it is just as invasive as it sounds. I’ll spare you the gory details, just know that it involves a camera at the end of a very long stick.
So yeah, Kelly was a very uncomfortable girl today.
I don’t know when I will hear back on the results of my tests today. I go in to get the blood work done Wednesday morning.
I’ll keep you posted.
I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
