Ugly

I’ve felt really ugly and unattractive the last few weeks.   I know I keep gaining and losing the same five to ten pounds and I’m sure a lot of it rides on that.  Or maybe it’s just that I’m getting older and I don’t look the same to myself as I used to.  In the mirror where I used to see clear skin and bright eyes, I now see wrinkles, enlarged pores and bags under my eyes looking back at me.

I realize aging happens to all of us and most of us don’t want it to happen.  While I am not fond of the idea, I guess I’m pleased that as I near the age of forty(less than three more years!) my face hasn’t taken as bad of a nose dive as it could have.  I’m just starting to get a hint of crows feet and a slight set of laugh lines.  My forehead has always been my worst problem area.  As a sarcastic teen/adult it was always cool to raise my eyebrows and furrow my brow and I am now paying the price.  I guess if it gets to me too bad I just give myself bangs, problem solved.

No, this hasn’t been as much about what I see in the mirror, it is more about how I feel in my own skin.  I had stopped working out and was eating poorly.  That always makes an impact on so much more than my clothing size, it makes me feel yucky in general.  It breeds depression and anxiety for me and I always forget that until I change my habits and start feeling good again

This past week I have stepped up my game.  The 1/2 marathon is just three months away and I have been doing nothing in the way of training.  That has changed.  Not only have I been walking two miles on my lunch break almost every day, I have decided to start eating better as well.  I may not always succeed in it but I AM making better choices most of the time and it is making a difference.

I feel my body shrinking but more important, I feel my head clearing.  It is amazing how taking a half an hour out of my day to work out and not being a slave to food makes such a huge impact on your mind and body.

Today I woke up, showered and pulled a dress I have never worn out of my closet.  I had bought it a few months ago on Ebay and it is a size 16.  I never tried it on because, I wasn’t a size 16.

Not only did it fit, but it looked GOOD!  I dressed it up with a belt and shoes and even put some make up on.

I got a lot of compliments on how I looked today and while I appreciated them, I didn’t need them.  I FELT good. I felt pretty and attractive and I hadn’t felt that way in a while.

Sometimes we all need those days.  I sure did.