When dealing with Customer Service…

I am in the customer service industry. Thankfully I am only in the customer service industry over the phone. I’ve done the face to face bit and there is nothing worse. At least I can mute the phone and give out a primal scream if the need should arise.

At any rate, over the last three years I’ve dealt with my share of mean and nasty customers. To be fair I have also had the pleasure of dealing with many funny and wonderful customers that put a smile on my face and make me realize that my job isn’t all that bad.

I thought I would put together some of my favorite gems that customers use…and by favorite I mean the things that you say that make me secretly laugh at you and then mock you once I have you off the phone.

So here is a sort of “what not to do when dealing with customer service” list:

When you are calling a corporation never accuse the person who answers the phone of doing something. Example: “You shipped my order to the wrong location!” “You overcharged me!” No, I can assure you that I did not do that. It’s very likely that I didn’t even take your order in the first place. I just get the pleasure of picking up the phone and getting yelled at for something I didn’t do. The same goes for referring to You People. In fact I would prefer being falsely accused than hearing the phrase You People. My people are from Ireland and I’m pretty sure they had nothing to do with your order either.

Do not use a term of endearment when referring to me. I am not your baby, sweetie, doll, hon or cutie pie. While I may be all of these things to my husband, I am NOT to you. I am a human being and deserve to be shown the same respect you would want someone to show your daughter or your mother.

I realize that you are angry when something has not gone your way. However, you should realize that my desire to help you resolve the situation gets greatly reduced when I am being berated and yelled at. I am fully aware that a trained monkey can do my job, but telling me that does not exactly make me want to bend over backwards to help you…and I don’t think the monkey would either.

In the same vein, swearing is NOT an option. I may cuss like a sailor in my every day life but I do not get paid enough to hear you cursing into my headset. The occasional “damn, I forgot to get my credit card.” aside, I will give you one warning and if you continue to swear at me I will disconnect the call. There is a fine line between being a good customer service representative and taking abuse and since all my calls are recorded, it only makes you look like an ass if you call back and try to get me in trouble.

Do you really think I am interested in hearing your jokes? I’m not. I will listen politely and give you a fake chuckle when you deliver the unfunny punchline but when we hang up I will make fun of you to my co-workers so I can have a real laugh at your expense. Since you fancy yourself a comedian, I don’t figure that you would mind.

Yes, we value our customers, but you are NOT any more important than any other customer. I’m sure in your world, you hold a lot of clout but in mine…not so much. Asking me if I know who I am talking to will result in me reading off your name and address from my computer screen, not make me bow and scrape because you are in fact “kind of a big deal.” If you were that big of a deal with our company, I can assure you that I, a lowly customer service representative would not be taking the phone call.

Do NOT try and engage me in a conversation about religion or politics. I am not being paid to discuss my views on such subjects and chances are, you wouldn’t agree with them anyway, so it’s best we just don’t go down that route. Telling me “God bless you.” if I sneeze is fine but asking me if I have accepted jesus christ as my personal savior is not.  Yes, I realize the economy is in the crapper but that has nothing to do with whether you want expedited shipping on your order or not.

We are not friends. My goal is to get you off the phone, hopefully satisfied with the transaction, as fast as possible. I do not need to know, nor do I care that your sister’s friend’s cousin’s hairdresser once visited Monterey and found it to be just lovely. I know what this story is…it is a gateway story and it will lead to harder and more powerful stories. It is best just to not tell any stories at all. If you don’t start, you don’t have to go through the pain of quitting cold turkey.

I realize that you are lonely but there is probably a reason your family stopped talking to you. You are boring. Now if you will excuse me I have to take another call. Have a wonderful day.