It's Amazing What We Can Learn About Ourselves…
So I don’t think I mentioned it in this blog but my husband got a gig playing guitar with a local theater company doing a production of “Repo! The Genetic Opera.”
It came at a really good time for him because he was just finishing up the Wharf to Wharf and the only thing on the horizon music wise for him was another round of Christmas music.
Long story short, I got a part in the play as part of the ensemble/chorus. I was really scared to to audition and even more petrified to actually get on the stage in front of people. Over the last couple of weeks I have come to realize a few things about myself.
I don’t think I ever fully realized it, but I’ve spent most of my life trying to go unnoticed by strangers. I can only imagine that it stems from being overweight and painfully shy in my childhood. My father wasn’t the nicest man and though my memories are few, I have heard that he wasn’t shy about complaining the weight of his children.
I remember in grade school singing solos in the school play. I didn’t want to but there wasn’t much of a choice in the matter as our school was very small and everyone had to participate(I got kidney stones one year and was so happy despite the pain I was in because I was hospitalized and didn’t have to do the school play). Let’s just say kids are cruel and no one likes to be made fun of.
Now, if I get to know you pretty well and we get along, you know that I am NOT shy at that point. In fact, I can be kind of loud and obnoxious at times(who me? Never!) However, if I just met you, don’t expect me to show it. The little shy fat girl comes out very timidly when I first meet people. Especially if it is a large group of people I don’t know. You can bet in that case I am going to do my best impersonation of the wallpaper. If you can’t see me, you can’t make fun of me.
It has gotten better as I get older and meet more people but in my mind I tend to want to scream: “Don’t pay attention to me!!!”
Having said that, you can only imagine how nerve-wracking it was for me to have to get up in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and not being allowed to try and blend into the background.
When I was finally able to relax and take a step back I realized that everyone is there for the same reason. To BE noticed. Isn’t that the whole point of performing? And not only that, but I’m not me. I’m playing a character and so is everyone else! No one is going to judge me or make fun of me because we are all here for the common cause. As long as I don’t suck eggs at what I am doing, it is going to be fine.
It was a huge Ah-ha! moment for me. Once I embraced it I was able to feel at ease and actually enjoy what I was doing.
Last night after I got home I was almost unable to get to sleep because my brain was humming with how much fun I had and how much I was going to enjoy the next rehearsal!
Anyone who has acted or performed might think this feeling is a no brain-er but to me, it was a fabulous feeling. I am so happy I found it and I can’t wait to keep acting after this performance is over. 😀
San Francisco Trip
Yeah, I am fully aware the only time I ever update this thing is when I travel somewhere. Today’s post is no different.
As you all know(all two of you that read this thing), I am a total and devout RENT-head. I love love LOVE the play and the movie and all that stuff. What you may not know is that the original Maureen from RENT is pretty much my Idol. Idina Menzel has the voice of an angel. I’ve never heard an equal to her.
When I was auditioning for RENT here locally I never even entertained a thought of singing anyone else’s songs. Looking back, I realize I may have set the bar too high with that because I don’t have near as much talent as she does but that is neither here nor there.
What I am building up to is that I finally got to see Idina Menzel live last night and it was magical.
But in true Kelly fashion I must recap the whole trip, so here goes.
We left the house by 9:30 on Friday morning. For some reason my memory of my last trip to San Francisco didn’t have bad traffic. Now I don’t know if that was just because it was because Julie was driving and we chit-chatted the entire way or it really wasn’t a bad day for traffic but I was not prepared for what we ran into when we got passed Morgan Hill.
I’ll just say that my right bicep is really freaking sore today from gripping the “oh shit” handle so much on that drive.
At any rate, since we were going to be in the San Fran area Rob called up some work associates of his and they said they would like to take us to lunch. They decided on a Mongolian Hot Pot restaurant. If you are like me, you have no idea what that is. Basically it is like the Asian version of fondue. You are given a giant pot of soup broth, with lots of tasty seasonings floating around in it. In our case, since I can’t handle the spice we were given a divided pot, one half for spicy broth, the other for mild and then you just basically order from a list of what you want to throw into the broth to cook. We ended up with lamb, beef, pork, chicken, tofu, pot stickers, scallops, squid, shrimp, clams, and veggies. I think there was more but I can’t remember at this point. I have to admit I was very skeptical about the whole thing but it turned out to be really good!
The food was good, the company was excellent and a good time was had by all.
After lunch we scooted on over to David’s Bridal. I know that I already did my dress shopping for the vow renewal, but my good friend Renee pointed out that I really needed to try some dresses on to see how they looked on my body. It’s all pretty and fine on the rack but that can all change when you actually put it on.
How right she was. Not that long ago I found a dress on the David’s Bridal website that I adored:
Cute right? Looked like absolute crap on me.
Anyway, at David’s Bridal they help you find a bunch of dresses in your size so you can try them on and see how they look on you even if they are not in the color you want. I had in mind what I wanted so I picked up a bunch of knee length dresses to try on and on a whim I picked up a full length dress just to try on. The end result is that I discovered I do not have the legs to pull off a shorter dress. I liked a couple of them but I was just not satisfied with the way my legs looked. Hey, I have cankles. It’s a fact of life and I accept it. 🙂
I tried on the full length dress and absolutely fell in love with it
It wasn’t what I thought I was looking for but it looked so perfect on me. I didn’t feel like a big heifer, the opposite. I felt like a princess and loved it from ever angle. I called Rob in and he agreed that it looked very good so we bought it. They didn’t have it in the color I wanted so I ordered it in the hot pink. I also got a veil with a matching pink trim.
They were nice enough to let Rob and I change into our formal wear for the night as well and I ended up purchasing a black wrap for my dress to the concert that night.
At the check out there was a slight problem. It appeared that no one had the color I wanted in stock and it would take too long to order it from the warehouse to have it available for the vow renewal.
I was devastated. The clerk said she would call the distributor and see if there was any way to get something shipped ASAP. In the meantime Rob and I walked around and brainstormed. At that point it was too late for us to try anything else on and I really had my heart set on that dress so we started talking about maybe getting a different color but I really didn’t want to settle. Just as we were getting ready to cancel the whole thing the clerk said that she would be able to get it shipped in plenty of time from the distributor and we were able to leave in just enough time to catch the BART into San Fran for the show. I love that clerk and if I could remember her name I might name my first born after her… you know, if I were having kids.
Off to the BART station we got parked no problem and bought our tickets. Safely nestled on the train we had a minute to finally relax.
You know it wasn’t that easy though right?
After we passed the first stop on the train Rob realized he had left the tickets for the show in the car. So after a minor panic attack we got off on the next stop and traveled back to the original stop to get them and then re boarded the train.
Crisis averted, we got off on the Civic Center stop and hoofed it over to the restaurant I had picked to meet up with some fellow Idina fans.
A little back story here:
When my friend Richard found out I was an Idina fan he thought to introduce me via facebook to his friend Erin. She ran an Idina fan website and was also a fan obviously. She lived in Texas but was coming out to the San Fran show so we chatted a couple of times and made plans to meet up before the show. She and her friends wanted to have some sort of get together before the show but there were no real plans made.
Since Rob and I would have some time to kill before the show, I took the bull by the horns and researched a restaurant that was near the symphony hall where Idina was playing and made the reservations.
As anytime I meet a new group of people I felt kind of awkward. Apparently the place I picked was a half an hour walk from the hotel they were staying in and the service was very slow. Of course I felt responsible for that and felt really bad about it but there wasn’t much I could do at that point.
They were a friendly bunch and I think we had a good dinner despite the fact that it took an hour to be served even with a reservation. Then it was off to the symphony.
We parted ways since our tickets were not in the same area as theirs and took our seats.
All I can say about the show is that it was AMAZING!! I was in awe from the second she took the stage from the time that she left it. In addition to her fantastic voice she was charming and funny and adorable. I can’t even describe it so I am not even gonna try.
The only thing that I will post is that when I was seeing RENT in San Fran, the person next to me didn’t have tissues and I was able to supply her with one. This show, I forgot my tissues but the girl next to me heard me sniffing and handed me a tissue. Karma at its best.
No pictures were allowed at the show but at the end ppl were snapping them like crazy so I was able to pull off one picture that didn’t come out fuzzy.
Dress Shopping
So today I finally went out and looked for the dress that I am going to wear for the vow renewal.
When Rob and I originally tied the knot I weighed over 300 pounds. I’m not sure how much over because at one point our scale broke, and well, who really wants to keep weighing themselves once you have reached 300?? Anyhoo, my mother in law generously offered to make my wedding dress and I was very grateful. I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than going wedding dress shopping when you are the size that I was. She made a beautiful dress and a lace shirt that went over the top to cover up my flabby arms. It was very nice but when you look like a whale, nothing you put on really ever looks good ya know?
What I’m trying to say is that I never did the dress shopping thing for my wedding and I was happy with that. However, now that I have lost some weight I’m kind of excited to see what this whole dress shopping thing is like.
Cut to today.
Rob had to help his dad with some yard work at their house in Salinas so I dropped him off and headed out. I stopped at Walmart to get some new sports bras and running shirts and then at Fashion Bug for some regular bras and one impulse buy of an 18 dollar dress and the jewelry to go with it. Then I headed off to Campus Bridal Shop.
I had heard from several people that this was the goto place for dresses. I guess it has been around FOREVER and a lot of people get their dresses there.
It wasn’t anything like I imagined. Seems silly now but in my head I would walk into the shop and try on all these different dresses and be able to see how they look on me. Not so. What were hanging on the racks were sample dresses. Most in a size 14 but they did vary. So you look through the dresses and find the one you want. You give it to the lady who then orders it in the size and color that you want(I can only imagine that they must take your measurements before they order but I’m not sure, I wasn’t purchasing today only looking) and when it comes in they give it to you. To me that is kind of weird because what if the dress doesn’t fit you like you wanted it to? Are you out the money and it’s tough luck or do they work with you to exchange or otherwise to alterations? All questions that I will ask when I am actually ready to plunk down the money.
Anyhoo, I had an image in my mind of the dress that I wanted and even drew it out. I left it at work of course or you would be seeing a picture of the drawing right now. 🙂
I was able to find a dress that had about 85% of what I was wanting in the dress in my mind so I think that is going to be the dress I get. The colors are hideous on the sample dress, I am aware of this. Brown and green? Ewww. But here are the pictures I took of it:
Okay, now imagine the brown as hot pink and the green as black:
Nice right?? The only differences between this and my dream dress were that my dream dress was a halter and had a poofier skirt. Oh and I’m totally going to ditch that flower in the middle of the bow.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to go back next weekend and make the big purchase.
The only other dress that jumped out at me while there was this one:
I love the color and I love the flowiness but I think it is a little too plain. I like the contrast of the black in the other dress much better. Gives it more of a unique feel.
So what do you think??? Comment and let me know!
Our Beloved PT Cruiser=FAIL
As I was driving to work yesterday morning my check engine light flashed on and at that instant I felt all resistance underneath the gas pedal go away. Thankfully I was in an area where I was able to pull off to the side of the road and make sure I was safe. If it had happened ten minutes prior to that it would have found me on a very curvy mountain road with lots of blind curves and no where to pull off. I still shudder to think of that happening.
The first thing I did was call my work and let them know even though I was less than two miles away, I was going to be late. The next call was to my husband since he had the AAA card in his wallet. In a stroke of good luck, he was on the road and only ten minutes away so he told me to sit tight and we would call AAA when he got there.
I hung up the phone and tried to start the engine again but there was just no luck, it wasn’t turning over. Soon after a motorcycle cop pulled up beside me and asked if I was okay. I told him what had happened and that my husband was on the way. He asked if I had AAA and I said yes but my husband had our info so we would call when we got there. He told me that they tend to act faster if they are dispatched by the cops so I let him call it in and once he was sure I was safe he took off and Rob pulled in behind me.
The tow-truck arrived with no problems and then Rob dropped me off at work.
As it turns out the timing belt busted. The same timing belt that we were going to have replaced next week. Yeah.
This is the second time in the last two months the PT has failed on us. Luckily the first time was in our own driveway but let’s just say I am not a big fan of being stranded on the side of the road.
We are faced with a very difficult decision right now. The PT is our “reliable” car. The one we are planning on driving to Vegas in twice this year. The car we didn’t plan on replacing for at least another two years, but we are both having some serious doubts about what sort of life might be left in it. We love the car and it hasn’t really given us any problems other than normal wear and tear until recently, but can we trust it?
We obviously don’t want a car payment again and we can’t afford a brand new one so it begs the question do we go into getting another used car that we have to have a payment on and don’t know they full history on? Or do we stick with the car that is already paid for and we know all about it’s quirks and problems?
This is not an easy choice and it is stressing us out!
In a brighter note I am quite proud of the way I handled myself during the crisis of being left on the side of the road. I don’t do well in stressful situations, especially when by myself. I’m pleased that I was able to remain calm and not panic or cry during any part of yesterday morning. I of course had a panic attack later on at work while thinking if it had broken down while I was on the mountain top but thank goodness it didn’t.
Santa Cruz mini vacation
It all started with my former work place starting to plan a reunion. I haven’t seen some of the people in a very long time so I was totally down for the idea. Things were planned, dates were set and Rob and I secured the time off of work. Long story short, the dates kept changing and it got to the point where I didn’t trust that we could purchase non refundable airfare. Since most of the people in the Reunion still lived in Phoenix it was easier for them to adapt to the changing dates, but for us, we needed a locked in date so we could fly in and get hotels.
Finally I said screw it, we can’t wait to book airfare but I don’t feel comfortable plunking down a wad of cash on tickets since the dates kept changing. Rob and I opted out of the reunion.
Since we still had the days off of work approved we began to plan a trip to Six Flags Magic Mountain. Well, when the PT Cruiser(our reliable car) died right before the trip, that kind of put an end to that.
Enter, Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We’d gone there a year and a half ago and had a fun time. We figured what the heck, why not? It also worked out nicely that my friend Michaelle had scheduled her C-section in Santa Cruz the day before we were going to be there so I would get to see her and the new baby.
Woke up on Wednesday morning, took the dog for a long walk and then finished packing. By eleven we had dropped the dog off at the vets to board him and were on the road. Santa Cruz is only about an hour to an hour a half away so it didn’t take long to get us there.
Our first stop was Dominican Hospital to see the new bundle of joy.
He was so adorable and cute I can’t even say enough about it. Sooooo tiny. Look at his little feet!!
After a short visit we left. She had a lot of family there and I didn’t want to hog her and the baby so it was off to our hotel.
We chose the Ocean Pacific Lodge for our hotel. It was the same hotel we stayed in the last time we were in Santa Cruz because we liked it so much the last stay and the location was within walking distance of everything that we would need.
We arrived about an hour too early for check in so we decided to hike over to the beach and see about getting some lunch. I went down to the beach for a second to take some pictures because I could. 🙂
The last pic is the restaurant/bar that we decided to have lunch at. We ambled inside and waited for about ten minutes before we even got menus. 
Then once we had the menus we didn’t see anything particularly good and the waitress was taking forever to come over to even take a drink order. End result? We left and hit up this little deli/pizza place on the way back to the hotel. It ended up being pretty darn good.
After we were done eating it was time to go check into the hotel. The last time we stayed here we had a jacuzzi suite that we didn’t ask for or pay for so I knew it wouldn’t be quite as good but it was still nice.
We chilled in the room for a while, swam in the freezing cold pool and hung out in the hot tub before heading out to get our dinner at the same mexican food place we ate the last time we were here.
The next day we woke up and got ready. For some reason we both thought the boardwalk opened at eleven but we were wrong. So we got there a tad too early and had to wait around for about 45 minutes for things to open. We were hoping that since it was May there would be more rides open this time than the last time we came in the month of January and we were disappointed.
In the long run it was okay though. We still had tons of fun, Rob got his roller coaster fix and I didn’t eat any of the many bad food treats presented before me.
After we had our fill of fun at the boardwalk we decided to hit the bowling alley for some lunch and to see if the Wii had helped at all with our bowling games…it hadn’t.
With Rob establishing himself as the champion after two games(I totally beat him all the time on Wii) it was time to head back to the hotel. We stopped at the corner store to get some soda and chips and then I decided last minute that I would rather get another sandwich from the place we ate at on our first day than have leftover mexican food so I sent Rob off to the hotel and waited around for the sandwich.
Once back at the hotel we chilled in the room, swam a bit and hit the hot tub. It was dark out and I packed a bit but I still felt like the vacation wasn’t complete. I asked Rob if he would mind taking a walk to the beach. We had talked about it briefly the night before about just sitting on the beach watching the waves and him playing guitar. It sounded like the perfect end to the vacation so off we went.
It was so nice and peaceful sitting there on the sand watching the ocean while he played his acoustic guitar. It really was the perfect end to the vacation.
As we were getting ready to leave we were approached by a young man wearing only shorts and a tank top(it was pretty cold at that point) asking if he could borrow a cell phone. Rob said no, but he’d be happy to dial a number for him and put it on speakerphone. The guy agreed eagerly. I guess he had been out for a run earlier in the day and at some point his house key had fallen out of his pocket. He had been looking for it ever since and had been having no luck. Since it was dark he was using the light of his Ipod as a flashlight. So Rob dialed up the guy’s fiance who apparently lived three hours away and we listened to him beg her to come down and let him into the house(I can only assume that she had a key to the house as well), she agreed but let him know that it would be three hours before she got there.
When he was done, we chatted a little bit more and Rob gave the guy his sweatshirt. He also gave him his card and said that if he wanted to return it, he could. Otherwise he could pass it on to another sad soul in a similar situation. The guy was very grateful and said he was going to go to his house and see if any of his neighbors would let him in to stay for the next three hours.
Feeling a little like we helped out, we headed back to the hotel where we ate dinner and went to the bed.
The trip home was uneventful and once we unloaded the car I headed down to the vets office to pick up our baby boy. They love him so much there I swear, it was like a celebrity was leaving the building. As the brought him out all of the staff was yelling: “Come here Pappy!! Come say goodbye to me!” and giving him lots of loving. The lady behind the desk leaned in and told me: “He really is a very special dog.” It was very cute.
At any rate, it was a very successful trip. Lots of fun was had and our batteries were recharged. And we still have the rest of the weekend to relax. Not bad at all.
My Day At Jury Duty
Happy St. Paddy’s Day everyone. Even if you aren’t Irish, make sure you get your fill of corned beef and green beer 
today!
Earlier this week marked my first ever experience with Jury Duty. Since my work pays for the first 3 days of Jury Duty and I was curious to see how the whole process worked, it wasn’t that big of a hassle to me to be called.
The only difference in my morning was that I actually had to leave even earlier than a work morning so that was a bit blah but I still managed to make it there mostly on time.
We were all gathered in a fairly small room with limited seating, I’d say there was roughly 100 of us. It was first come first serve on the chairs of course, and since I had trouble finding a parking space I got to stand.
Prior to leaving my house that morning, I had called the recorded message at the courthouse to get directions. In that message they also mention that the dress code of business was strongly encouraged. I quickly ditched my capri jeans, t shirt and sneakers for my dressy black sweater, a pair of dark pants and my black wedge heels.
After arriving I looked around the room and realized I needn’t have bothered to take the dress code so seriously. Since I had however, now I had to stand in my heels. Note to self: Next time leave fifteen minutes earlier…oh and dress comfy.
Soon after I got there the clerk announced that some new motions had been filed Friday and the attorneys were meeting with the Judge to go over them so they wouldn’t be ready for us until at least ten. She invited everyone to go stretch their legs and walk around, just to stay within yelling distance.
I quickly seized my opportunity, snagging an abandoned chair in the back, parking myself and pulling out my Iphone.
With two hours to kill, I was glad I had thought to bring my current library book. If I relied only on my phone for entertainment the battery would be dead by noon.
I did email back and forth with Rob and text with Michaelle but for the most part I read my book.
Around ten fifteen or so the clerk was updated again and she informed us that both parties might be approaching settlement and if that happened we could all go home. The catch was, that they wouldn’t know that until at least one in the afternoon. After the collective groan from the crowd, she smiled and told us that due to the timing, she was going to release us for lunch on the condition that we come back at 1:15. If they had settled we could go home, otherwise we would have to start the jury selection process.
This news was met with a much more positive response. Two and a half hour lunch? Hell yeah, sign me up!
Taking full advantage of the location and the time I had, I motored over to Del Monte Center. The first thing I did was get my wedding ring sized.
Ever since I dropped the weight my wedding ring hasn’t fit. Since I have gotten various anniversary rings over the years I just never got around to getting it sized down. I just took to wearing it on my thumb on my left hand.
With the vow renewal looming in August, we figured it was a good time to get the ring re-sized. That way I can use my original ring for the ceremony as well as my new engagement ring.
After I dropped that off I contemplated getting a pedicure but it looked like all the chairs were filled, so I headed over to Pizza My Heart instead. I had brought a salad with me in case the lunch break wasn’t that long but I really didn’t feel like a salad. Not that I ever really feel like a salad, but that is neither here nor there.
I had never eaten from Pizza My Heart before but had heard nothing but good things about them from my co-workers. Rob and I were going to try and order delivery from them when we spent the weekend in Santa Cruz last year but their prices for a full pizza are pretty high and we are cheap so we went with another place.
I ordered 2 slices of D’lex Chicken & Bacon and a drink for five bucks so apparently, by the slice is the way to go when it comes to prices. VERY good pizza by the way.
After I was done eating, I still had more time to kill so I hit Claire’s. It is my favorite crap accessory store ever! Then it was off hit up Cold Stone for a waffle bowl full of Cake Batter ice cream. What? Don’t judge me! It was mandated Jury Duty food. I was required to eat it by law!
At that point I still had a little less than an hour but I wanted to get a good parking space so I headed back to the courthouse. I got a space right up front, opened all the windows in the PT, reclined the chair and read my book. So far I didn’t understand why everyone complained about Jury Duty. Seemed pretty sweet to me!
Once everyone had reconvened in the room, all hoping for a settlement. Our hopes were dashed when the clerk informed us that there was no settling and that we had to all go up to the courtroom right away so we could start the jury selection process.
We started the painfully slow process of filing one by one through the metal detector and into the courthouse and ended up on the second floor crammed into a courtroom with way too little seating for the group of us.
This was finally when it began to sink in why people hate being called for Jury Duty. Not necessarily being on a jury but the selection process is so long and tedious and BORING!
Once I was finally able to sit down, I was struck by how uncomfortable the “bench” was. Hard, unforgiving pressed wood in the shape of an L. I began to hope I got picked just so I could sit in the jury box in the comfy chairs.
They picked 17 people to go to the jury box and sit there while the judge asked them questions about things that might be a conflict if they served on the case. While she was asking them we were instructed to listen carefully and write down on our own if we had any questions we would answer yes to. So I wasn’t able to read my book because I was paying attention.
At the end of the questions the potential jurors then read off a questionnaire answering questions about themselves.
Once the judge eliminated a few people she called more up and then the lawyers got to ask questions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
The longer I sat there, the more uncomfortable the bench got. Finally I got my row to myself and tried to stretch out but that just hurt my back worse. I also gave up trying to look like I was paying attention and whipped out my book. Anything to make the time go faster.
Around four it was starting to look like we were going to have to come back the next day to continue with the selection when by some miracle no one else on the panel had any conflicts and the jury was picked.
I honestly felt kind of gypped because I didn’t even get to get interviewed. I mean, I wasted an entire day and didn’t even get to get up in the jurors box and talk about myself. Then I realized that I had been paid to go shopping, eat pizza, email my husband and read. I really had no room to complain.
Overall, I was glad to have the experience. I’m grateful that I live in a country that has such a system in place where people are innocent until proven guilty.
Having said that, I never want to sit through jury selection again!
Childless, not loveless.
Rob and I have been together for almost 11 years now.
We decided a long time ago that we do not want children. A lot of people really don’t understand this and I’m not sure why. I mean, I respect your decision to want to have a family. So why can’t you respect mine to go child free?
When we first got together I was on the fence. I love kids, I always have. My first job was working at a preschool three days a week and I LOVED it. I enjoyed playing games with the kids and running around on the playground with them. I couldn’t wait to have a kid of my own, eventually. I certainly wasn’t looking to conceive at a young age, but I always just assumed I would be a mom some day.
The older I got, the more the thought of becoming a mommy became less and less of a priority. I had lots of friends who already had babies and while I loved helping out with them, I noticed the lack of freedom and didn’t really want that for myself at that age.
“At that age” turned out to not be an age at all. It wasn’t about being a wild kid, or wanting to experience my 20’s at their fullest. I was just not cut out to be a mom.
After first getting together with Rob and getting married, the assumption that I would have kids came back. It was programed into me from birth that you get married and you have babies. We didn’t discuss it other than the fact that we didn’t want to have kids “yet”, so we always used protection.
As the years went by, we had one pregnancy scare that told me I was definitely NOT ready to have kids. That feeling never went away and at 35 years old, it still stands. We have always said that if it happens, it happens. However, we have always taken every precaution to make sure it DOESN’T happen because it isn’t really what we want.
Understand that I have had moments when I have held a friends baby, or watched a sappy movie and I have come away saying to myself that I wanted a baby. That usually lasts all of about three hours and then I come to the realization that I am far to selfish to have a child.
It sounds horrible to say it, I realize that. Here is the bottom line: I love my life. I love being able to call up Rob on a Wednesday saying that I want to go away for the weekend and boom, we do. I love to sleep and can’t function unless I get at least eight hours a night, nor would I want to. I really don’t want to be the person to care for a helpless human life for more than a few hours. I enjoy my life and I don’t want anything messing with it.
That being said, at least I realize how selfish I am. I think it is pretty great that I know that, while I know I could be a good mother, it would end up being a burden in my mind. I’m not afraid to say that while I know I would love my child, I also know I would end up resenting them, and no matter how I tried to hide that from them, kids pick up on that shit. I don’t want to be the reason my child is in therapy 20 years from now.
As an alternative, Rob and I have always had dogs. They are our furry children. They provide us with the unconditional love of a child with less responsibility. I foresee us always having dogs as they bring us great joy without the burden of finding childcare and such and I am okay with that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am a happily married woman, I don’t want to have kids and there is no shame in that.
RENT Audition
Today was a huge day in my life. Today I conquered one of my biggest fears and not only sang in public for strangers but danced as well…
Today was the RENT audition.
Before I go tell today’s tale, however, let me cover another topic that kinda ties in.
I don’t believe I’ve written about it here in this blog but if you know me(and if you didn’t why the hell are you reading my blog???) chances are pretty good you know about the tango I do with a finger infection every few years.
Well I woke up on Wednesday of this week with a sore fingertip. Not on the finger I always get my infection on but the ring finger right next to it. Odd but I didn’t think too much about it. By the end of the day it was swollen and I could see where this was leading so I called my doc and made an appt for the next morning at eleven.
The next morning it was even more swollen and now the tip had turned blue, like there was a large blood blister or something.
Went to the doctor and told her the only thing I could figure was that in trying to grow out my acrylics I had been cutting them really short and something happened from that. She agreed it must have been some trauma to the nail-bed when I cut it recently and said the blue was blood pooled underneath the skin. She didn’t seem all that concerned even though the red line of infection was already creeping down my hand. She gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.
After finally getting my prescription filled I headed back to work but my finger was in some serious pain and pretty much all I could do was cry. I went home early.
That was Thursday. Yesterday I called in sick again and kept waiting for the meds to take effect.
Last night rob and I had a long talk since the line of infection was up passed my elbow and I had some small pain in my armpit. We decided that if it had gotten worse by one in the morning when I had to take my next round of meds he would take me to the ER.
That is the back story.
So when I woke up this morning the infection was no better but no worse. I had a choice to make. Go to the ER or go to the audition. Or as I actually phrased it to myself; go to the audition or take full advantage of this infection as an opportunity to chicken out legitimitely from the thing that was scaring me to death. Let’s face it, if I skipped the auditions in lue of taking care of my finger, there wasn’t a single person that could blame me. It was like the universe was offering me the perfect excuse to blow off everything I had worked for the last couple of months.
It was a very hard decision for me, but in the end I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try to audition.
Today I did what I never thought in a million years that I would do even though I have always wanted to. I auditioned for a play. That means I voluntarily sang and danced in front of people whose whole purpose was to judge me harshly . I conquered a lifelong fear and it was pretty awesome.
Since it was my first time auditioning for anything I did my research. I picked Eva’s brain because she has been through this kinda stuff before and I also emailed the director of the play. I’m glad I did because it made me aware of just how short of a window we were going to have to sing…I was able to fix my song accordingly for maximum belting capacity.
Of course I was the first one there, I didn’t realize that meant I would be the first one to sing but I’m kinda glad now. It was sort of like ripping off the band aid, nice and clean. No time to sit around and worry about forgetting lyrics or being in the wrong key.
The singing took place in front of two people. I thought it would be more but this was fine with me. The room we were in had tiered seating. The director was at the top, me at the bottom with the piano player. I gave the Piano player my sheet music and told him where I would like to begin and off I went. I did the first chorus just like I had rehearsed it. The piano guy went a little bit faster than the background track I had been using but I think I did an okay job at keeping up. When I was done the director said: “I want you to sing this like your heart is being ripped right out of your chest. This isn’t about pretty, I don’t want pretty.”
So I ran through the same chorus singing as best a person can with a vital organ being torn from their body and when I was done the director asked the piano player if he wanted to go over my range.
He said sure and then asked what my range was. I honestly answered that I didn’t know and that this was my first audition. We ran through some lalala’s with the piano and he said that I was an alto and something or other and gave my key range which I wish I remembered. After that the director thanked me and as I was walking up the tiers to leave asked: “This is your first audition?” I said yes and he mumbled, “Odd choice.” I just smiled and said: “Well, RENT is my passion.” and thanked him before walking out the door.
The dance part was next. There were to be two kinds of dancing. One that was choreographed and one that was improvised. The thought of either made me break out into a cold sweat, but I figured I can take direction fairly well so maybe I’d do better on the first one. To tell you the truth that is when I started to tell myself that I had only come to sing and that I didn’t even care if I got the part so why should I have to go through the dance part right? I mean, I had done what I had gone there to do and hey, who wants to spend so much of their summer rehearsing all the time anyway?
I almost had myself convinced but I couldn’t do it. I had to finish this thing till the end, even if that meant making an even bigger fool of myself in front of a large number of people.
There were about 20 of us in the dance group so it was pretty easy to blend into the back when learning the routine…and I use the word “learning” loosely as I never fully got it, but then she broke us up into groups. Curses!
Eventually I didn’t feel like a total klutz even if I didn’t have most of the act down. The director came in and watched us dance in our smaller groups and then came the improv dancing. The song they chose was “Today 4 U” from the broadway soundtrack. The director got all of us on the floor and told us to just go wild as he put the song on. Instantly the dance floor became a club and everyone just started dancing. I found myself getting caught up in it and just grooving. When that was over he had us pair up and come down a line like in the movie Grease and dance at the end of the line until he told us to stop. And then it was over. Turns out that was the funnest part for me. Who knew?
And that was it. Four hours after I got there it was done and I had only preformed for the director a total of three minutes.
As I was leaving the music hall and heading for my car I found a huge smile creeping across my face. “I did it!” I whispered to myself. “I really did it!”
I am fully aware I will probably not get a part in this play and I am perfectly okay with that. I did what I set out to do today and ended up actually having fun. The hugeness of this day for me is really hard to comprehend. It is not a day I will ever forget and I’m so glad I went through with it.
Getting There
With the auditions for RENT looming in the immediate future it was time to meet up with Eva again tonight. When we last met Eva told me that I would need to find a monologue to rehearse and also gave me some tips on my voice.
I’ve been rehearsing the song but more with the original song than with the background track I have. I’ve discovered this might have not been the best idea…but I have another week to work on that. I also had been on the hunt via the internet for a monologue to rehearse. I didn’t like a lot of the ones I found but settled for one that seemed to be fairly simple. The problem was I just never quite jived with it. I could do it, but I found it not as easy to memorize as I thought it would be. I hemmed and hawed for a while. Trying to memorize it but still trying to find a better one. Finally two nights ago I found the one I wanted. It was all about father issues so I could pull from experience. Bonus, there was a youtube video of someone doing the monologue. I’ve always been able to memorize better from audio than visual so that helped a lot.
So tonight, exactly one month later(totally not planned), I headed over there tonight to get her opinion on how I had progressed. But before I get into that I had another huge step for me happen this afternoon.
My girls and I headed out to lunch today, which we try to do once a week or so. On the way back to work the subject of me going to Eva’s tonight came up and so I told them about the monologue I chose and then they asked about the song. I told them it was an Idina Menzel song and Paula said: “Let’s hear it.” and turned the volume down on the radio. I didn’t protest. I thought, how can you go sing in front of a bunch of people you don’t know if you can’t sing in front of your best friends?? With only a second or two of hesitation I launched into the song acapella and sang the first verse and chorus. This was HUGE for me. I always say no when someone asks me to sing without preparation and usually WITH preparation.
As I got back to my desk at work and the shaking subsided I was blessed with the biggest adrenaline high I have had a in a long time. It was pretty amazing. I actually found myself thinking: “I can’t wait to sing for Eva tonight!” 🙂
So I showed up at Deborah and Eva’s a little early. Eva had just woken up and was in her room. So Deborah and I played with the dogs and chatted for a little bit. When Eva came out we talked a bit more and she answered some questions I had about the auditions. Then it was time to sing.
Last time I sang for them I had to face away from them. This time I faced them. I even looked Eva in the eye one or two times. 🙂 When I was done they both told me that they noticed I seemed less nervous and my vibrato was less this time(I’ve been working on that but I wasn’t sure it was working…). Eva gave me a couple more tips and then she sang the songs she was thinking about auditioning with for me. That girl is sooo freaking talented! She has a huge range! I was impressed. Then we sang “Take Me or Leave Me” together(girl duet from RENT). That was fun.
Finally I did my monolouge. I had to read it as it wasn’t totally memorized but when I was done I was happy when Eva said she that it was good and she had no advice for me on it. That was really good to hear because, while I sing all the time, I had never done anything like acting before. It almost made me more nervous than the singing! 🙂
After the hard stuff was out of the way we talked a bit more before I headed home.
Today was a really big day for me. I did a lot in the way of realizing and calming some of my public speaking/singing fears. I’m quite proud of myself actually.
One more week until auditions. Wow.
Re-proposal
Waking up this morning did not appear to be unlike any other weekend morning. I slept in and was awoken when my husband and the dog crawled back in bed. I woke up slowly playing around with the dog and joking with Rob. It is how I usually wake up on the weekends and it is a very pleasant way to wake up.
After wrestling around with the dog I noticed something black hanging from his collar. We had recently put on a “silencer” for his tags that was also black so I thought maybe it had come loose. Upon further inspection I noticed something silver hanging on it.
I was still pretty sleepy so I thought maybe I wasn’t seeing what I thought I was seeing because it looked like a diamond ring hanging on a black Velcro strap.
“What is on his collar?” I asked as I reached closer and picked up the strap as Pappy wiggled around.
Rob was silent.
“What is it?” I finally was able to grasp the ring. There it was. A simple diamond ring on a silver band. Gorgeous!
The back story to this is that when Rob and I 1st got engaged, I used a diamond ring that I had found in my grandmothers jewelry box after her passing as my ring. It was important to me to have that ring but I also used to joke that Rob had gotten off pretty cheap on the the whole engagement ring thing. 🙂
In August of this year Rob and I have been planning to renew our vows for our ten year anniversary.
As I struggled to get the ring off the Velcro strap Rob said that since he never got me an engagement ring the first time, he wanted to give me this ring in hopes that I would marry him all over again.
I immediately teared up and said YES! Of course I would!!! We both got emotional and he finally had to help me with the strap to get the ring off. I removed my anniversary ring and put it on my finger. It is a little snug but actually not a bad fit. (inspiration to drop a few more pounds.)
I couldn’t believe it! I had truly not expecting this at all. I absolutely love it! Moreover, I love that after ten years together that he would still ask me to marry him all over again. I mean, we had only known each other for three months when he proposed the first time. He had no clue what he was getting into with me. Hehe. He has no excuse now after living with me for a decade. 🙂
I love him and am more than happy to take him as my husband all over again.
About Me
I am a 40 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy knitting and crocheting, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
Follow me
Feedback