An open letter
Dear Everyone That I Encountered On The Road Today,
I realize that it is Saturday and you may have no place that you need to go, but you need to know that is not always the case with everyone else. Some of us actually have to be places on time.
I’m just wondering how it could possibly be that EVERY SINGLE CAR I got behind today drove like grandpa or grandma moses. At first it was mildy amusing in a weird way, but then it got downright annoying!
I also realize that last weekend you all were driving like assholes instead of Grandma’s but I’m not sure how much of an improvement today actually was. At least last weekend I was able to swerve to avoid you cutting me off and still manage to get places when I was supposed to.
In conclusion I would just like to point out that if you want me to hold on to any shred of sanity I have left, please for the love of God, IT’S THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT! Use it!
Love and Kisses,
Kelly
It's a long road but I can walk it.
A friend of mine has taken an interest as of late in trying to make me see things more positively. At first I scoffed at the idea. I’m a positive person. I like to see the good in things.
And then I realized that is true, when it comes to other people. When it comes to myself…not so much.
We all know that we are our own worst critics. I’ve said before that I would be mortified to think of speaking to someone else the way I speak to myself. I guess I just never fully comprehended how hard I was on myself until he pointed it out.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to turn it around. Reprogramming 37 years of negativity is no small task.
I’ve decided to take it one step at a time. For starters I really need to think about just how far I have come.
It tends to not feel like I’ve come a long way because I feel like I have been holding steady at the same weight for many years, but the truth is that I have been losing. Extremely slowly, but still.
But if I step back and look at the giant picture it really is impressive, if I do say so myself. 🙂
I was once so large that I couldn’t tie my own shoes. All footwear had to be slip ons because I was too embarrassed to ask my husband to tie my shoes for me.
I couldn’t walk a half a block without my lower back seizing up and feeling like I was going to die. I remember walking the dog one night in Arizona and almost crying because I thought I was going to have to ask my husband to go get the car a half a block away and come get pick me up.
Last December I paid good money to walk/run 13 miles for FUN and I’m doing it again this year.
All my life I’ve wanted to be a sing and act. When I was a kid/teenager I would hold “concerts” in my living room and act out movies to an imaginary audience when I was home alone. It was all I ever wanted to do but I would never dare actually let anyone see me do it. I was far to painfully shy and the thought of someone watching me “act” or hearing me sing was mortifying! I would rather the world open up and swallow me than face what I’m sure would have been harsh criticism for my stupidity.
In the last year I have acted in three plays, two of which I sang in, and am gearing up for another one next month. And I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it
Recently, I have taken some steps to reconcile relationships with family members that I thought would never be fixed. The fact that I am willing to find forgiveness and even admit that I may have been wrong about some things tells me how much I have grown as a person over the years.
I may still have a long way to go with a lot of things in my life, but I can’t get there without pausing to look back at how far I have come.
Who Does That??
I do promise a trip report eventually but since I’m already forgetting the sequence of events it might be a while.
In the meantime I’ll share what happened today at work.
On my morning break I had my breakfast that I had cooked up this weekend. I was feeling particularly hungry so I microwaved a bag of rice. You know the kind, they are in the aisle with all the different kinds of rices. They are in a little pouch, precooked but don’t need to be refrigerated. Zap ’em for 90 seconds and you are good to go.
I ate half the bag with my breakfast, folded it in in half and placed it in the fridge to eat the other half for lunch with my chicken and green beans.
At one, Paula and I headed off to Walgreen’s instead of walking(bad Kelly!) and picked up a couple of things. When we got back the lunch room was full and there was a line for the microwave but I started getting my stuff from the fridge to get in line.
I grabbed my chicken and green beans and reached for my rice but it wasn’t there. Hmmm…odd. I moved things around and looked behind items thinking someone must have just moved it. Nope. No where to be seen.
Well, maybe I had a brain fart and put it in the other fridge even though I NEVER put anything in that fridge. Checked that one and no sale.
I started to get vocal. It is not an unheard of thing to people eat other peoples food at my work. Unfortunately, it isn’t something that is exclusive to my place of employment. I have seen evidence of this happening at pretty much every job I have had in my adult life. I don’t understand it and I don’t approve of it and it’s kind of sad that I’ve grown to accept that it happens.
As I’m grumbling about how I can’t believe someone ate my rice people start asking me what is wrong. My response was met with a chorus of “NO WAY!” and “I don’t believe it!”
Finally someone said: “Check the trash! If they ate it they had to throw it away.” So I looked into the garbage and there it was, covered in coffee grounds with the RICE STILL IN IT!
It’s not that I approve of or condone eating someone else’s food at work but I guess if someone is STARVING and has no money or no food…but even then, ask someone! I have no problem sharing my food. But to just take someones food and throw it in the garbage? WTF????? It was neatly folded up and had only been cooked two hours prior. It was plain rice so it’s not like had a smell to it. Why would you do that? I don’t get it!
What did the rice do to you to make you want to throw it in the trash? Was it mocking you? Calling you names? Saying particularly bad things about your family members?
Seriously??
Ug.
Depression
It is an unfortunate condition that I have suffered from since I was a teenager.
It can cause me to do a lot of things I shouldn’t want to do. It can cause me to hate myself so much that I want to harm to myself.
It can cause me to carve into my own skin with sharp objects.
It can cause me to overeat until I feel like my stomach is going to explode and then stick my finger down my throat so I can throw it all up.
It can cause me to project anger and other extreme emotions onto other people and situations that don’t deserve them.
It CAN do all those things…if I let it.
I take a daily pill that, along with the knowledge and experience I have in dealing with myself over the years, helps keep all of that at bay.
Sometimes it sneaks up on me though. And because I tend to project my emotions on things that aren’t REALLY the things that are bothering me I don’t notice it right away.
It starts with something stupid, like I have gained weight and yet I can’t stop shoving food in my face. So not only am I fat but I’m a failure as well.
If I am unmotivated at work, it turns into me berating myself for being so stupid and lazy.
When a friend forgets to call me back, then I am such a horrible person that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.
When the house gets cluttered, I am a horrible wife and can’t understand how my husband can stay married to me.
I guess you could say I am kinda hard on myself. My brain speaks to me like an emotionally abusive partner or parent.
My friend Beth once said to me that we would never speak to someone else the way that we speak to ourselves and she is so right.
I would be MORTIFIED to even think something like that about someone else let alone say it to their faces, yet I have no problem letting the venom fly when it comes to myself.
The depression has been sneaking it’s way in for a little while now. I think the trip to Maine really helped it along. The nature of the visit was of course nothing to celebrate but since mom had been doing so much better I was thinking the trip would be okay.
I’m not going to go into the details of the trip because it involves other people that may not be as easygoing about baring their souls on the internet as I am but let’s just say it was a very frustrating trip.
Since coming home I’ve been letting things fester. I think that, along with the weight that I gained while there and the lack of clothes that are fitting me right now, as well as my lack of social interaction since ending the last play have all piled on top of me without my even realizing it.
Late last week I noticed I was just feeling like a big ball of yucky. I had no enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping. In turn I would try and “snap myself out of it” and come off as far too enthusiastic about nothing. VERY manic behavior.
By this weekend I was crying for no reason and I’m not PMSing so I knew it was time to analyze what was going on with me.
And while all of the things I talked about above are all contributing factors to the overall depression I think that the underlying cause is that I am goaless right now.
If I have nothing to focus on I…well, lose focus on everything.
The truth is that I have been without a real goal since the marathon. The plays provided a great distraction and in them I rediscovered the passion for acting and singing that I had when I was a kid. When you are a kid saying you want to be an actress when you grow up is acceptable. As you get older…not so much.
So after Clockwork, I decided I needed a break and I do. I was beginning to forget what my husband and dogs looked like and poor Rob was suffering the consequences of being a house husband all by himself. However with nothing else to focus on I find myself floundering.
What to do?
Well, let’s start with the weight that I am putting on. It makes me miserable to look in a mirror, but what is more important is that I feel like crap because I am eating like crap.
Let’s also think back to the last time I had a nice long chunk of good moods and genuine happiness. Right, when I was exercising at least five days a week.
Can there really be something to this eating right and working out thing??? 😉
So Saturday morning I printed out a bunch of healthy recipes and went grocery shopping. Sunday was spent cooking said recipes and getting back in touch with Sparkpeople.com.
It was there that I remembered Turbo Jam. It was something that I got a long time ago, tried briefly and really liked it but at that point wasn’t sticking to any sort of regular exercise program. I went to the DVD shelf, dusted off the discs and put one in. Pretty fun stuff and a definite work out!
This morning I got up and did it again before work and also walked on my lunch break. I feel amazing right now.
I doubt my depression will ever go away. I’ve been dealing with it off and on since I was 14 or so. I have good days and bad days. What I am learning is how to better deal with the bad days and change my outlook.
So my new goal is to get healthy. I haven’t had a cigarette since we left Maine and now with the eating better and exercising I know that I will feel better. Weight loss will be an excellent side effect but right now it is all about feeling better.
In Boston
I’m currently sitting in the Logan Airport in Boston with my husband waiting four hours for the final leg of our flight.
Yeah…four hours.
It’s the price you pay for the cheap convenience of flying into the tiny airport of Augusta, Maine, where my mother lives.
My in laws drove us to the San Jose airport where we took a red eye Jetblue flight to our current location.
I’ve never flown Jetblue before and I have to say that I really liked them. They don’t charge for bags, they have an abundance of free snacks and soft drinks and they provided us with free sleep masks and earplugs for the overnight flight. They also had free direct tv built in to the seat in front of you that provided a very enjoyable distraction during take off and landing.
Having said that, the seats could have been more comfortable and I’m used to larger planes for such a long flight.
Didn’t really get a whole lot of sleep which is going to suck a lot when we get to Maine and my mom is raring to go.
I’m pretty sure that is our plane from here to Maine. Not too excited about that.
My 1st Coolatta of the trip. I AM pretty excited about that. :). Oh Dunkin Donuts how I have missed you.
Alright. Now, to kill three hours without passing out from sheer exhaustion. Wish me luck!! I’ll blog later.
Phoenix Trip Review Part One
For those that aren’t familiar with our trip, we headed back to Phoenix this weekend. The reason behind our journey is that a local band that we used to follow was getting back together for one final show and Rob was one of the opening acts for it. This was a pretty big deal for him and I was happy to support him on this. 🙂
Rob let me sleep in as late as he could Thursday morning but finally had to rouse me, and then it was up and showering and finishing the final packing details. While I was showering, Rob deposited our furry babies to the vets where Shilo was scheduled to get fixed on Saturday(poor baby)anyway. This was our first time leaving her and it was kinda hard but I know she is in good hands. The vets LOVE our dogs there and totally spoil them.
We made it out of the house with no drama and thankfully the traffic into San Jose was light so we made it in no time.
Everything was going smoothly through security until I realized I forgot about the liquid rule. I had visions of tossing out all my make up and an expensive trip to the store until I was able to scrounge a plastic baggie out of the bottom of my purse(finally, a bonus to puppy training cleanups!) so I didn’t have to throw away perfectly good make up.
Other than that, security was uneventful. I guess I am unsure of what the big deal is on the new pat down procedures. If you go through one of those scanner deals you don’t even have to worry about it. It’s not much different than going through the metal detector other than having to strike a pose and wait for just a second to have them review the scan. It was very painless.
The flight was good. It was a little nerve wracking for me during take off because I hadn’t flown in a while but Rob was a doll. Hugging on me and being silly to make me laugh. I adore that he can totally crack me up even when I want to be nervous/mad/sad 🙂
Once we were safe on the ground in Phoenix, we gathered our bags and caught the shuttle over to the rental car place to pick up Chevy’s answer to the PT Cruiser. I think it is called an HHR or something like that and it was pretty nice for a rental car. Probably not something that we would purchase though, since we are currently in the market for a new car, the engine wasn’t strong enough for our needs.
With our car secured, I placed a call to DD to let her know we were on the way and then put Caryn’s address into the GPS on Robs phone. The GPS proceeded to give us the longest directions EVER to get there as it avoided all freeways for no apparent reason. It was a bit of a pain in the butt but we decided that we were on vacation and not in any hurry so we weren’t going to let it ruin the day.
DD had to jump on a conference call as soon as we got there so we hung out with Caryn and discussed what to do with our evening. It turned out they had built a new Indian casino about a half a mile from her house so the decision was a pretty easy one to make. 🙂
Once DD was off her call we headed out to lose some money. I texted Renee on the way there and she agreed to meet us there. I was shocked at how many ppl were there on a Thursday night, yet we still managed to find some machines together and deposit some money into the Gila River community. Around nine thirty I realized I was starving. The original plan was to get some killer Thai food from this place around the corner from Caryn’s but I guess they closed at nine. Renee suggested a Chinese place nearby but DD and Caryn were tired so they bailed leaving us to go it alone to Phoenix Palace where we ordered and ate some fantastic yuminess. We all split sweet and sour chicken, beef chow fun and crab puffs and still had enough leftovers to make at least one more meal. We sent said leftovers home with Renee and headed back to Caryn’s house where we crashed hard.
Friday morning Rob woke up and got ready to go meet up with his old college buddy Vince. He woke me up when he left around eight thirty so I decided to get up and face the day. DD was at work but Caryn was awake. She works from home so we were able to hang out all day and chat and catch up and it was awesome.
There are very few friends that I have had in my life where you can go for months, even YEARS without speaking. Not through any faults in the friendship, simply because life gets busy and you don’t have time to talk, yet you once you finally DO get together, it’s like no time has passed at all. Ever. DD, Caryn and Renee are these kinds of friends and I adore them with all my heart.
So Caryn and I ate cookies, chatted, smoked and laughed our asses off as we watched the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” on demand until Renee showed up.
Renee took me out for a late lunch at Olive Garden where we caught up and ate ourselves sick. If you have never had the Lasagna Fritta’s at Olive Garden…Holy Crap! HEAVEN! Anyway, we finished eating and then headed to TJ Maxx. Renee needed an outfit for the show that night and my purse was threatening to bust a strap and fall of my shoulder.
For very little money we both found what we were looking for and headed back to Caryn’s so I could get ready for the show.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
The 21-day purification program is so effective because it focuses on the whole person–making better food and beverage choices, taking whole food supplements, reducing stress, and increasing exercise. The purification program is more than just a diet. It encourages patients to adopt a healthier lifestyle, which, in turn, helps them look and feel better.
This streamlined, easy-to-follow program emphasizes whole, organic, and unprocessed foods; whole food supplements; and water. Vegetables and fruit are eaten from days 1-10, with select proteins added at day 11. Whole food supplements taken during the program include: SP Cleanse®, SP Green Food®, SP Complete® or SP Complete® Dairy Free, and Gastro-Fiber® . Other supplements such as Whey Pro Complete, a protein powder with 15 grams of protein per serving, can also be added to the protocol to support purification.
To assist the patient during purification, we provide an all-in-one purification guide that describes the program and offers features such as an FAQ section; a tear-off shopping list; program-friendly shake and salad accent recipes; a daily intake journal; and an area for you to recommend additional supplements.
So there is that…
This is a program recommended by the doctor that I work for. Several of the girls in the office have done this program multiple times with great results. Two of my co-workers are starting on it again on Monday. I have often voiced that I needed to try the program but it is soooo strict and I was never confident in my ability to stick to it.
Today I decided I needed to take the bull by the horns and just commit. I’m sick of being sick. And perhaps the reason I have been sick so often lately is that all I’ve done since Repo started was eat crap. Soda, caffeine, salt up the ying yang and told get me started on all the processed fast food crap. Plus not being able to get back even to my weight watchers diet for more than a day or two.
I need something that is going to kick me in the ass. Something that I will commit to because, well the suppliments can get a little pricey and I’m not one to waste money, but also because I will have two friends/co-workers doing it at the same time that I can lean on. They have both done it before and they are both very supportive of me doing this with them.
I’ve been sick more since August than I have been in the last five years. I can’t say that for sure that it is related to my icky eating habits but SOMETHING is wrong. What can it hurt to try something new? It’s only for three weeks right?
I’m going to do it! And I’m probably going to be a bitch for a few days…you have been warned. 🙂
The Puppy Diaries — One week later.
So we’ve settled into a routine with the new pup. She comes to work with me in her crate and stays in the back of the PT. She has her pink snuggie blanket and toys and I go out periodically for pee breaks and walks. Everyone at work just adores her of course and with good reason. She gets a little overwhelmed meeting so many new people at once that want to love on her but she’s doing well.
We are learning all her traits and signals for when she has to go the bathroom. We’ve had surprisingly few accidents in the house. We know when that she has to be scooped up immediately upon exiting her crate in the morning because she will squat and pee anywhere at this stage in the game.
Also, any time she starts circling in her crate and clawing at the padding she has to poop. Learned that one the hard way but now we know. 🙂
She is gotten so much better at settling down in the crate at night and going to sleep instead of whining. Now if she whines we know it means she has to go potty but she’s also been really good at holding it overnight.
Pappy has been very standoffish with her since we brought her home. Which is unfortunate for Shilo because she wants to play with him SO BAD! She keeps running up and nipping at him and getting on her hind legs trying to bat him in the head. He’s pretty much just been growling at her and letting her chase him off. He usually runs to the top of the couch because he knows she can’t reach him up there, and then he barks out the window pretending to see a squirrel but really just voicing his displeasure at the little gal.
Last night Rob brought Pappy’s crate home from where he had it at work and he seemed to really like having a little place to go to get away from her.
This morning when we got up and everyone had been fed and done their business the dogs started to play. For real playing. No growls, just playful jumping and wrestling. It was like Pappy finally realized he wasn’t going to break her. He had to feel her out for a couple of days and now he’s cool with her since he has his crate to get in when he’s sick of her.
It was such a relief to see them getting along. What we have noticed this week is that whether he realizes it or not, Pappy is teaching her his mannerisms. He has taught her how to growl and how to stand on her hind legs. She also now follows him in the kitchen and stares up at whoever is in there just like Pappy does. She doesn’t know why she does this because people food has no effect on her yet, she’s never had it and has no interest in it. However she sees him do it and figures it must be the thing to do. So cute. She has a way to go with the training but she really is doing remarkably well.
The Puppy Diaries — Trip To The Pet Store
I finally made it to the pet store today.
Pappy is such a low maintenance dog that we really didn’t have any toys in the house. Certainly no chew toys. Pappy’s never been much of a chewer unless he was confined in some way and had to chew his way out(learned that lesson by tying his leash to the table leg when we first brought him home and didn’t have a crate. Woke up with him in the bed with us and the remains of his tattered leash around his neck.)
We stopped at a tiny pet store in PG right after we picked her up to get a crate and and puppy food. They were nice enough to give us samples of the bed food to get us by until we could get to a grocery store, but that was all we got.
Today Rob was home so I was able to head out to get the grocery shopping done and since there was a pet store right next to Safeway I was able to pop in and get a bunch of chew toys, food, a collar, leash and okay, a couple of cute little sweaters for her. Yes, I am *that* kind of dog mother.
She was napping when I got home but soon woke up. I put her new pink collar on her and she spent the next ten minutes itching it and rolling around on her back trying to remove it with no luck. I then gave her one of her new chew toys and BOY was she happy!!!
She still wants to chew the carpet, the couch, my hair and such but it is so nice to be able to give her an alternative rather than just saying no and taking things away from her. Plus, it’s kind of hard to take the couch away from her.
She does NOT like her leash but she looks to be very trainable. All the things they taught me when I took Pappy to Petsmart training are coming back to me. 🙂
Internal War: To Play Or Not To Play…
Inner Me: “Wait, you want to get involved in a play again? Weren’t you just saying how glad you were it was over?”
Me: “Yes, but that was so intense. And it was over for a month or so and maybe I’m ready to start again…”
Inner Me: “But weren’t you sick twice in the time of the last play? You are NEVER sick!”
Me: “Yes I was, but it all worked out didn’t it?”
Inner Me: “But you got so run down! You were physically and emotionally exhausted!”
Me: “And? As apposed to sitting on my couch doing nothing?”
Inner Me: “Give me one good reason why you would want to get involved in another play…”
Me: “I went to the rehearsal today and it felt like home.”
Inner Me: “… I got nothing.”
About Me
I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
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