Vacation, analyzed

This time next week Rob and I will be on the road to Vegas.  This will be the first trip there in three years where I won’t have the half marathon looming over my head.  That is both good and bad.

I’ve done the half marathon the last three years in a row in various stages of fitness, my last year being the worst.  Because last year was so miserable for me because of my lack of training for several reasons I decided this year that I would not sign up.  I needed a break.

In deciding that I basically gave myself permission to give up on myself as far as fitness was concerned.  And believe me when I tell you that I took that to heart!  I have done very little in the way of working out this year.  I have a once a week yoga/Pilates class that I take at work but that was it.  I was lucky if I went for a walk once a month this year.  It was downright disgusting.

The result of that is that I’ve gained a very uncomfortable 20 pounds and have also gained very little desire or willpower to do anything about it.  This is something I have to deal with on my own.  What I’m finding is that when pushed (even by myself) I want to resort back to very bad and unhealthy behavior to get the weight off fast and that just isn’t an option.  I put this information on the internet to hold myself accountable.  I’m not perfect, I never will be.  In my past I have done horrible things to my body to try to lose weight and make myself feel better about myself.  The urge to do that comes back so easily it is scary.

So what I need to do is get back into fitness.  And I will.  I can’t berate myself anymore for eating.  It triggers a very bad place in my mind that I no longer desire to go.  I will work on this in my own time.

In the mean time, the good part about this upcoming vacation is that it will be the first vacation I’ve had in three years where I wasn’t stressed about something.  With Vegas it was always about the marathon and how broken I would be after.  This last trip to Maine was about staying with my mom.  I LOVE my mother and we get along great.  However being almost 40 years old and sharing a very small space with your mother and your husband for almost two weeks is gonna make you insane, I don’t care who you are.

So, I’m really looking forward to having a vacation where I have nothing pressing….nothing weighing on my mind so I can just relax.  Sounds simple right?  I look forward to that very much.

One week.