There you go.  I was going to say that the title of this blog says everything, but it hardly says anything at all.

One year ago we discovered a bump on Pappy’s side.  We brought him into the vet where they took some blood from it and had that biopsied.  The lab work came back that it was a mast cell tumor and we should have it removed.  That was all the info we were given and we took it at face value.  I was sad and scared but we scheduled the surgery and had it removed.  At the time, the vet took me in and showed me the x-rays they took and he told me that it looked good, that they had gotten it all.  We were never asked if we wanted to biopsy the tumor and we wouldn’t have known to ask, because at the time we didn’t even know that could be done.

Fast forward to a few weeks before we leave for Maine.  We discover another bump on Pappy’s side.  This time it is under the skin and not on the surface like the last time and it is growing pretty fast.

I took him into the vets and she did what was called a punch surgery to see if she could remove the whole thing in a simple procedure for the biopsy.  She wasn’t able to get it all but she sent what she had to the lab to be biopsied.

The news came back a week before we left for Maine that it was another Mast Cell Tumor and needed to be removed.  We scheduled the surgery to take place the day after we arrived in Maine.  We had no choice that was the soonest they could get him in.

While we were in Maine they sent us a text and a video showing us how well he was recovering and all was right with the world.

While we were on vacation we had boarded the dogs at the same vet’s that did the surgery – we always do.  So when I went to get the babies after arriving home they asked if I wanted to have the tumor they removed biopsied.  I asked what was the point?  We already knew it was a Mast Cell Tumor and they removed it.  I was told that the biopsy would tell us the severity of the tumor and if they got it all.

I kind of blew it off at the time thinking that they didn’t do any of this last time.  And though he got another tumor, I didn’t think that it could possibly be serious.  Pappy was fine.  He didn’t act sick at all.

In the next week or so I mentioned it in passing to my husband and he said, well, if it will give us peace of mind that they got everything we should go ahead and do it.  So we did.

I got home from work one day about a week later to a message on our answering machine that they had misjudged.  The lab work came back as a grade 3 tumor and we needed to contact them right away.

I immediately burst into tears.  I had no idea what any of that meant but it sounded serious and it was.  We googled grade 3 Mast Cell Tumors and the news was not good.  I cried a lot that night.

Rob called the vet the next morning and was basically told this was beyond their area of expertise and we were referred to a specialist.

We met with the specialist who told us there was not much research out there on Grade 3 Mast Cell Tumor treatment.  However, what they DID know is that that particular type of tumor is rare and really aggressive.  And what they biopsy showed was that Pappy’s “lines were dirty”.  What that means is that although they took a VERY large margin of skin with his tumor, it wasn’t enough.  The skin that is left over still has the disease in it.

We were told all of our options.  Chemo, radiation…a lot of terms and words we didn’t understand came at us at a rapid pace.  We were told that they couldn’t tell for sure if it had metastasized unless they did some pretty invasive procedures on Pappy, but given the history on this type of tumor they were 90 % sure it had.  We were sent home with a prescription for Prednisone and told to also give him Benadryl and Pepcid.  We were to do this until we reached a decision and got back to them.  They also sent us a follow up email detailing all of the treatment plans.

I cried a LOT that week.

The good news was that the specialists were VERY encouraged by the fact that Pappy showed no signs of being sick.  That he seemed in very good health and had no behavioral changes.

Rob and I finally sat down and talked about treatment.  We both knew that we were not interested in anything that would make Pappy sick and ruin the quality of the life he has left.  We don’t know for sure how old Pappy is because he was a stray when we got him from the SPCA, but we guess he is either 12 or 13 years old.  It would be very selfish of me to put him through a treatment that would make him ill and miserable, just to keep him around so I won’t be sad and miss him.  And hell, for all we know, it may not have even metastasized!  I know the odds are that it has, but I’m not willing to put him through another major surgery to find out.

Rob also talked to a co worker of his that was a dog trainer.  He had some friends/clients that had experience with these types of tumors.  He said the reason there is no research out there on the treatments is because they mostly happen in older dogs and the owners typically opt out of treatment.

So Rob and I have opted to keep him on the steroid/pepcid/benadryl treatment plan until he goes.  That is supposed to suppress any of the ill effects of the cancer in him.

So far he is doing well, still has a huge appetite, but he drinks and pees a lot more from the steroid.  Just this week he has been having a hard time getting up on the bed and into the cars.  I’m guessing that is more age related than cancer.  Because he is such a long dog we have anticipated having some back problems with him eventually.

We may change our minds on the treatment if he starts to show a decline in health, but for right now, I feel we have made the best decision.

I love this dog with all my heart.  You can’t even imagine.  He is always by my side.  He waits up for me when I come home from rehearsal, no matter how late.  He stays up with me until I’m ready to go to bed.  If I am ever sad or sick he is right there in my face, licking away my tears.  Ironically he licked away my tears when I was crying for him.

He’s just a good boy and I’m so sad this had to happen to him.

I want to keep him forever, but I know that isn’t going to happen.  Part of being a dog owner is accepting the fact that they live a shorter life span than we do.  It is heartbreaking when they pass, but I wouldn’t give up the daily unconditional love that they provide for one second.

So on Thanksgiving this year, we did what we usually do and drove over to my in laws with the dogs for Dinner.  Between my mother in law and my sister in law there is usually a pretty good spread, from appetizers to deserts.  And I enjoy both of those things very much.

It was a lovely time as usual.  We’ve been bringing Shilo there since we got her four years ago and so we didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary this year.

We decided to play a round of cards this year before desert so we all adjourned to the breakfast nook to play a rousing game of UNO.

We didn’t clear the table of anything other than the plates we actually ate off of.

Do you see where this is going?

After a hand of cards I heard the tell tale sound of dog tags tapping against some sort of dish or bowl.  I bounced up and ran into the dining room but was only in time to see a tiny little Shilo butt jumping off the table, back onto the floor.  I quickly glanced around the table and didn’t appear to see anything too amiss.  The stuffing still looked pretty full, the plate of chocolate tarts seemed intact(including the one I had only eaten half of and put on my soda can to save it),  the yummy homemade rolls were all there.

Hoping no harm had been done I started to clear the serving dishes.  It was when my father in law joined to help that I noticed something was missing.  You see, my sister in law made this cheeseball.  It was no ordinary cheeseball my friends.  It was smoked gouda, it was rolled in bacon pieces and it was a little piece of heaven on earth.  The plate that it had inhabited still held he crackers, but the ball itself was gone.

I inquired to my father in law John if he had moved the delectable item from the table and he said no.  On my second round out with serving dishes I asked the others in the breakfast nook if they had moved the luscious globe of dairy and they all shook their heads.  As I headed around the corner back into the dining room I spotted a slightly larger beige ball of fur than Shilo delightedly licking away at the cheeseball that was now on the floor on the other side of the table.

I let out a loud “EY!” which is the code word in doggy speak for “STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!” and Pappy leaped away from the delicious treat.  I grabbed it off the floor, it was half gone now, but I couldn’t be certain if it was the dogs or the humans that had put a bigger dent into it.

The good news was that it didn’t appear to contain anything that would harm the dogs.  Just cheese and bacon, both things they loved anyway.  We laughed it off and promptly forgot about it.  Well, I was pissed that the dogs ruined the very thing I was hoping to take home for leftovers, but I eventually let it go.

Cut to Saturday afternoon, Rob tells me that the cheeseball had been a little too rich for our girls tummy as her poop had been kinda loose that day and a whole lotta stinky.  We didn’t think too much of it.  Pappy is famous for getting into things he shouldn’t and having really nasty poops.

Sunday I was under the weather with cramps and spent all morning in bed.  When I finally got up, Rob was heading down for a nap and both dogs joined him.  A couple hours later I headed to the grocery store and when I got back everyone was still in bed.  There was a smell however.  A very disgusting smell coming from the bedroom.  I located the source of the stink and found that while Shilo had indeed pooped a very loose present inside, she had managed to back it up onto a surface that was fairly easy to clean  instead of spraying it all over the carpet.  I silently thanked her while holding my breath during the cleaning process.

She was still having diarrhea on Monday but she was eating well and didn’t have any other symptoms of being ill other than the squirts so we said if it kept up steadily by Wednesday we would bring her in.  Monday night consisted of getting up every two hours to bring her out so she could take a liquidump.

Tuesday she vomited at work with Rob and once we got her home she refused to eat.  We have had this dog for four years now and this was the first time she has EVER refused food.  We decided to watch her and if she was still bad in the morning we would bring her in.  Right before we were going to start folding clothes around seven that night I took her outside to see if she would go.  Go, she did and what we saw frightened the hell out of us.  The liquid that came out of her butt was a bright brick red and smelled of copper.

We bundled her into the van and took off for the 24 hour vet that we thankfully have in Monterey.  I cried pretty much he entire ride there, convinced that she was hemorrhaging and that she would be dead by the time we got to the vets.

Once we finally got in and got seen the vet didn’t seem that afraid for what was going on.  She examined Shilo and the bloody sample we managed to collect and said she thought there was some intestinal distress due to eating something she shouldn’t have and that the blood came from a very irritated colon.  Her suggestion was to give Shilo a shot to stop the runs and some meds to sooth her stomach.  She also said she would be happy to run labs on her but she didn’t think it was necessary at that point.

We decided to take her advice and as she said if she wasn’t any better in 18 hours bring her back in.

They gave her the shot and left her with us while they got her meds together.  She already seemed in a better mood after the shot and we were encouraged.   The lump you see on her back in that photo is the injection site.  We were told it did not hurt and it would go away in a couple of hours, which it did.

We gave her the meds as soon as we got home around ten or so.  One of the meds said not to feed her until an hour after she had that one so we gave it to her and then around eleven I tried to feed her some rice.  She really wasn’t interested but if I broke some apart on my fingers she would eat a little of it.

She managed to stay asleep all night but when Rob took her out this morning there was more red liquid and she didn’t eat much breakfast.  I braced myself for the worst as we headed out to work.  Thankfully Rob can bring both dogs to work so he would be able to monitor her and if she started to get worse he could bring her in.

Around noon she took a poop that was very loose but was finally brown like her normal color.

That has been the last poop she has taken thusfar.  We got her home and baked up some chicken for her and she all but scarfed it down.  That was a half hour ago.  I took her out about ten minutes ago and she didn’t have any interest in pooping(that is what the vet said would happen) and then she  fought with her brother over the doggie bed on the end of the couch.  That was such an encouraging sign in brought tears to my eyes.

We just gave her the last of her meds for the night and she is resting comfortably on her doggie bed but not before chasing me around the kitchen while I started our “human” dinner.  I am hoping this means that our little girl is over he worst of it because this really scared the piss out of me y’all.

Those furballs are my children and I am not ready for them to leave me.  Especially after only four years!

I had plans yesteray morning to wake up early, get a run in and take a nap before meeting a good friend for dinner and a play.  The universe had different plans.

I did wake up early but my ankle was still tweaked from when I turned it yesterday so I bailed on the run.  Rob brought the dogs in and we frolicked for a little while.  He fell asleep and I got up to go putter around on the computer.

Around noon Rob woke up and I decided to take a nap.  As I was putting myself down for said nap, I picked up my phone to set an alarm and saw that my mother had called.  Mom never calls my cell, she ALWAYS calls my house phone, so I didn’t think anything about it.  We recently bought her a new phone so I figured she was just playing around with it and accidentally dialed my phone since she didn’t leave a voice mail.

I laid down to take my nap but never really fully got there.  I dozed a little bit but for some reason couldn’t quite get into a deep sleep.  Around one or so the house phone rang.  I checked the caller ID and found a 207 area code but not a number I was familiar with.  My first thought was that no one from Maine that would be calling me would know my house phone number other than my mother, but it wasn’t her phone number.  With a sense of dread building inside, I answered the phone.  On the other end was my sister in law.  While Michaela and I communicate, it’s usually facebook or texting.  The only time we really speak on the phone is when something bad has happened and I could tell my the sound of her voice she was not happy about having to make this call.

“Your mom had a stroke.”

She quickly followed that up by telling me that she alive and stable and at the hospital being treated, but those five words just kept repeating in my brain.

As far as I am aware, my mothers blood pressure has never been an issue.  She has diabetes, fibromyalgia, sarcoidosis, eye problems, and a host of other ailments.  She is obviously not the healthiest person I know,  but never have I heard blood pressure ever mentioned in her laundry list of health complaints.

While my eyes were leaking tears I tried to hold it together to get all the details.  She was at the Augusta ER.  She had some facial drooping and impaired speech but the meds they gave her could possibly reverse that within a day or so.  She was stable but they were waiting for an ambulance to come up from the Portland hospital to bring her back to Portland because there was no neurologist at the Augusta one.  My brother gave me the phone number to the Augusta ER and said if I wanted to talk to mom I should call pretty quickly because they were only waiting on the ambulance and then she’d be on her way to Portland.

I thanked them for all the info and hung up before dissolving into sobs.  I quickly reigned that in as I realized my husband was no where to be seen.  I deduced from the raw chicken on a platter on the counter that he was probably up getting the BBQ ready.  I tried to be as calm as possible as I headed up there to deliver the news but my voice hitched as soon as I said the words: “My mom had a stroke.”  He hugged me and I cried a little but I had to get it together to call my mom.  That was my top priority at that point.

When I finally got her on the phone I established that it was me and then said: “Some people will do anything for attention.” to which she promptly burst into tears.  Not the reaction I was hoping for.  She was obviously emotionally distraught, having just had a stroke and being scared and alone in a hospital.  I told her that I loved her and she would be fine and I would talk to her soon.  She was very hard to understand as there had been some facial paralysis.  Once I hung up the phone I cried like I haven’t cried in a very long time.  Huge, wracking sobs and I couldn’t stop shaking.  Rob hugged me until I had to go blow my nose and then I just kinda went numb.

It occurred to me that my brother and I hadn’t talked about contacting anyone else so I texted Chayla and asked if either of my mothers sisters had been notified and the answer was no.  I told her I would call them since she had enough going on her plate at the moment and set out to find their phone numbers.  I found Auntie Tee’s number in an old facebook message from the year my mother forgot her phone on our annual trip to Vegas and Auntie Tee had to ship it out to her in Vegas.  I knew there was a reason I never got rid of anything!

I had a brief conversation with her and was very relieved when she said she was going to go visit her the next day since she lived in Portland.  I knew Mom would feel better just seeing a friendly face.  I gave her all the phone info that I had on the hospital and then left messages for Auntie Donna and our cousin Dot.  Dot is a cousin but she is more like the touchstone of our family.  She is my grandfathers niece and has been the center of all of us grand kids lives.  She was the go to person for all babysitting needs.  She was the fun place to go as a treat.  My brother and I practically lived with her when my parents were separating and then eventually divorcing.  She is very much the one constant in our family.

I bailed on my plans for that evening because I would have been the absolute worst date ever for Jourdain, sobbing into my dinner and disrupting the play with my sniffles and just sort of waited for updates.

There weren’t many because they wouldn’t be able to do any extensive testing until the next day.

I spent the rest of the day in a state of numbness or emotional wreck.  I would be fine and then all of a sudden sobs would start coming.  I played the blame game that we should have gone out to visit her this year and I never should have moved 3000 miles away.   It wasn’t a very good day.

This morning I woke to a text from Chayla and she and my brother would be driving out from Maryland today and should arrive in Maine by ten tonight.  That made me feel a lot better knowing at least one of her kids would be there for her.  I knew it would make her feel safer.

The last update I got was from Auntie Tee about an hour ago.  She had just come back from visiting mom and said that according to the MRI it was a blood clot.  She said mom will be moved to a new room and probably have to be there for three or four more days before moving onto rehab.

Dot called while I was on the phone with Auntie Tee so I was able to tell her what was happening.  She will go visit mom tomorrow.

I’m kind of at a loss here.  You see, my mother is supposed to be indestructible.  I don’t do well with any evidence to they contrary.

I hesitate to even make this list because I don’t want people to read it and not find themselves on it and get butt hurt.  That’s not what this is about.  This is my blog, and my blog is what it always has been, a place for me to put my thoughts and memories so years from now I can look back and smile or cry or whatever.  If someone isn’t specifically mentioned in this blog, it doesn’t mean you haven’t touched my life in some significant way.  If I made THAT list, I’d be writing for DAYS!

While I don’t use the term best friend loosely, I have had several “best” friends in my life.  Whether I had actually referred to them as a best friend at the time or not, I have many friends that I consider my best friends.  Over the years, you tend to meet and connect with new people.  Some friends drift away, and that is okay.  These are some the people I’ve known over the years that I considered my very best friends at various times in my life.

Mags:

Mags and I circa 1996 or 7

I met Margaret in the 9th grade, and she sort of took me under her wing and introduced me into her group of friends.  High school being what it was, we didn’t always get along but she was always there ready to kick someone’s ass for me if I needed her to.  It wasn’t until we were in our early 20’s that we became true besties.
She and I were pretty much inseparable when I started dating her boyfriends best friend and later after both relationships failed we were even closer.  I was always at her house, and we spent every single weekend together getting into all kinds of trouble.  Time marched on; I moved away and we grew apart.  Sadly we don’t talk much but I treasure those days of carefree fun.

 Kimmy:

Kimmy and I 2008(wish I could find some pics of us in our prime)

Kimmy was part of my high school crew, but much like Mags and me, we didn’t get really close until after high school.  In our early 20’s Kim and I tore up the local bar scene and were known as the terrible twosome.  We led very different lives, but we fit together very well.  After she got pregnant and had her son Cody I babysat a lot when she had to work.  He was the apple of my eye, and I loved those days.
Our friendship has spanned many years, and we had a lot of good times and a couple bad ones.  Most friendships do.  We may not talk often, but when we do it’s like a day hasn’t gone by.

Jenn:

Jenn after she had moved to Florida and we lost touch.

Jennifer and I were in the same Jr High class, but we did not run in the same social circles.  She hung with a more popular crowd and I hid in the shadows, a shy wallflower girl.  We didn’t hit it off until I moved next door to her during our Jr year of high school.  She was attending high school at a different location than I but still lived in town.  We became fast friends because we didn’t really have anyone else at the time.  We were always together that year and into our Sr year after she came back to our high school.
Jenn was loud and outspoken, and I was quiet and shy.  It made for quite a complicated pair, but we worked.  She made a very strong impression in my life that wasn’t always good, but I always cared for her deeply.
Sadly, she is no longer with us, and I regret that we lost touch many years ago.  I doubt there was anything I could do to help her situation, but I will always wish I had kept in contact just to hear her crazy laugh and find out what her daughters were up to.  I miss you Jenn.

Tanya:

I met Tanya in a very round about way through Jennifer.  Jenn had dated Tanya’s brother Chuck very briefly before I had met her and introduced us one night at the Augusta fair.  At the time, Chuck was dating Tanya’s best friend Kandy, who he would later marry and have two children with.  All of this was unknown to me when I told Jenn that I thought Chuck was cute.  Apparently he had just had a fight with Kandy and thought this was a great opportunity to make her jealous.  We met at the fair three nights in a row and then he invited me to his house.  The details are fuzzy now but basically I met Tanya at the house, and she decided to see if I was the skanky whore she had thought I was when she first saw me or not.
The verdict thank goodness was that I was a good person and a friendship started strong.  Tanya and I would hang out for a couple months if I remember right, pretty much every day until we just didn’t.  I can’t remember what happened, but time grew us apart.
A phone call reunited us a short while later, and it was like no time passed.  After that, I would spend weeks at a time at Tanya’s apartment where she lived with her brother, his wife Kandy and their new baby.  We didn’t do much but watch movies and walk around downtown, but Tan and I were always together.
The friendship spanned many years, long after she moved back in with her mom and sister.  I just remember I was always over at Tanya’s house.  I “adopted” her little sister Naomi (for reals, there was a certificate on a paper plate and everything), and we were always hanging around together getting up to some sort of mischief.
Eventually, we would grow up and apart a bit and then I moved away.  We still keep in contact every so often and of course on Facebook.  She was  always a very good and loyal friend to me.  <3

MaryAnn:

I met Maryann when I was working at Fleet Bank.  I switched locations to the Civic Center branch, and she was the head teller there.  Eventually, the branch would dwindle down to just her and I as the only employees (with the occasional floater to fill in on heavy days).
She was loud and boisterous, and we hit it off like gangbusters.  She was older than me and was much wiser in many ways, so I looked up to her for advice.
We pretty much got paid to hang out together on weekdays and then chose to hang out some more on the weekends.  We lost touch when I moved to Arizona, and I miss her like crazy.  I recently found her on Facebook, but it doesn’t look like she ever uses it.  🙁

Brian:

When I first moved to Arizona, I knew no one other than Rob.  When I first started working I was put in the billing department of a call center and the first person they sat me with to train me was this scary looking dude with a mostly shaved head.  What hair he did have was only on top and it was sectioned into these tiny blue braids that went ever which way.
He went on to become my cubicle-mate and my best friend.  We had a lot of fun in the 8 hours we were stuck in that cube together.  We even created Brian and Kelly land where you had to wait behind a paperclip rope to be invited in.
He was my “maid” of honor at my wedding in 2000 but as usual when moving, we lost touch when I moved to California.

Renee:

Renee and I in our Elvis glasses in our hotel room in Vegas for my birthday 2008

Renee was one of my first friends in Arizona after Brian in the call center we all worked in.  I can’t remember why, but I thought she didn’t like me very much when we first met.  It turned out she would be one of my most treasured friends in this life.
She has the greatest heart and is one of the funniest people I know.
I don’t travel well with a lot of people, but she and I are perfect travel companions.  We’ve done Vegas more than once, and Reno and I have stayed with her while visiting Arizona as well.
Since moving we don’t speak as often as we’d like, and I know that happens.  But if you do get us on the phone, don’t plan on having us hang up anytime in the near future.  I have had marathon phone calls with this girl.  I wish we lived closer; she is always up for an adventure.  🙂

Denise AKA DD

DD and I in 2011 when I last visited AZ and stayed with her and her sister.

DD and I had the rare opportunity to work together twice.  We worked together in the Billing Dept of Arch Wireless in Arizona until the call center closed, and then were able to transition to a new call center for IKON office solutions right after in different departments.  It was very comforting to know someone in a sea of new faces.
DD is  easily one of the best people I know.  She would give you the shirt off her back and not think twice.  She is also one of the goofiest people I have ever met and will go to great lengths to make you smile when she knows you are down.  She is the level headed person you need to bounce something off of at one moment and the childlike jokester the next when things get too heavy.  I never wonder where I stand with her because there is no need to.  She is always open and giving and loving, but she will let you know when you piss her off.  : -)  She is a friend in the truest sense of the word.
We rarely talk since I’ve moved, but I know that I could call her up right now and say: “I’ll be there tomorrow.” And she would reply: “Come on over.” And it would be like a day hadn’t passed.

Shandee

Shandee and I backstage at “The Birdcage after she did my make up for fun.

I met Shandee when I got involved in a local theater company out here in California.  She was the make up artist at the time for the show we were putting up.  She was  easily the loudest and most obnoxious person I had ever met.  I was instantly intimidated.  Backstage she cracked a mean whip but would follow it with a loud cackle of a laugh that was hard not to fall in love with.
Over the next couple of productions we did together we got quite close, but it was when the theater put on a tribute to the movie The Birdcage, and I was tasked as helping her with makeup that we really bonded.  She is still loud and obnoxious but now so am I.
We fit very well together, and I love her dearly.  She recently moved to Boise so we don’t keep in touch like we used to, but she will always be a good friend to me.

Koly:

Koly and I after closing night of our latest production together in 2014

Koly is the owner of the theater company I just mentioned; that is how we met.   I tagged along to my husbands interview with Koly and her partner and boyfriend Lloyd for a guitarist in one of their productions in 2010.  As Rob excused himself to go to the bathroom at the end of the “interview” he mentioned to Koly that I liked to sing.  I swear I felt I could see the wheels turning in her head: “Great, so if I take the guitarist I have to take the wife?” but she told me to come in that following Tuesday to “audition”.  The audition consisted of running me through some vocal scales and then she asked if I wanted to be part of the ensemble.  I had no idea what that meant, but said yes.
I have since been involved in 9 going on 10 plays with this theater company, so I have to say it wasn’t a bad experience.  🙂
Koly and I bonded during the production of my 2nd play there where she was unexpectedly having me understudy the lead female role.  She took me shopping for costuming and then we had dinner and it started the first of many great conversations.  Koly has a way of asking you about yourself that doesn’t feel invasive, and before you know it you have poured out your whole life story, warts and all.  I never got to play the part I understudied for in that production, but a friendship was forged.
The first thing she told me when we started to get close was that she was a horrible friend.  She was self-centered, and she didn’t “do” needy.  While there is some truth to that statement, she has proven to me over and over that she CAN be a great friend and once she holds you in her heart she is fiercely loyal to you.
She of all things, is a great teacher.  And she has taught me so much about theater and myself in the four short years we have known each other.  She took a shy little wallflower of a girl and turned her into an obnoxious and brazen girl that people wish would now shut the f*ck up.  🙂  I blossomed under her tutelage and no one can ever take that away from me.
Our friendship ebbs and flows depending on if we are in production together and how busy we are, but there is  never a doubt in my mind that I could pick up the phone any day and pour out my heart to her, and she would be there to receive it.

Paula:

Paula and I in 2011 when she came out to cheer me on for my 2nd 1/2 marathon.

So if you have read this far you know that I am blessed to have had a lot of friends in my life that I love and have loved me back.  When I called them my best friends, I truly mean/meant it.  But there is one true BFF in my life.  There is no other way to explain why other than the fact that she and I share a brain.
I met Paula in 2005 after moving out to California and getting a new job here.  My first memory of her was at the first job interview that I went on.  It was in this tiny little office, in August that had no air conditioning, so they had all the windows open.  As I sat in a chair by the front door waiting for my interview, a noticed a yellow-jacket buzzing around my head.  Trying with all my might not to look like a spaz, I just kind of moved slightly to one side and hoped it would go away.
“Is that bee bothering you hon?”  A voice from across the room asked me.  I looked up to see a thin and pretty blonde looking at me.  I immediately judged her as bitchy and shallow based on her looks, but after I nodded she said: “Come on over here and sit by us.”   As I made my way over she introduced herself as Paula and also introduced a couple other employees.
After the interview was over, I didn’t think much about it other than the fact that I really wanted the job.  A few weeks later I got the call that they wanted me, and I started work there.  I had little interaction with Paula until we moved into a new building a couple months later, and we were to be office-mates.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when we realized we shared a brain, but there are just too many stories to share when we finish each others sentences, or bring up something that the other person was thinking but didn’t voice.  We have similar backgrounds, and we think the same way.  I’ve never met anyone I’ve felt so close to as a sister.  I honestly think that I could have had a twin sister growing up and spend my whole life with and I wouldn’t feel as connected with her as I do Paula.
We have known each other almost 9 years now and like every friendship we have our ups and downs, but I know for a fact that she and I are soul sisters and will be friends until the day we die.    I call her Irene and she calls me Alice based on this video that just went viral:

That’s going to be us at that age.  I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

So turning 40 is a thing that is happening remarkably soon, and I have a very big decision to make because of that.

Am I going to be the 40 year old that embraces growing old wholeheartedly and shouts from the rooftops how proud I am to be 40 and how I’ve earned every one of these grey hairs and blah, blah, blah.  OR, am I going to be that 40 year old that shuns getting older and starts to count her birthdays backwards?

Both can be equally annoying; I’m sure.

40 seemed so old when I was in my 20’s.  It honestly didn’t seem like something that I would need to worry about.  Not that I thought I wouldn’t make it 40…it just seemed like I would be young forever.  Funny thing about youth, time passes very slowly, and you think you have all the time in the world.  The older you get, the faster it seems to go, and it feels like it starts to get away from you.

As the years have passed, and the wrinkles appeared, I did pretty much stay in a constant state of denial.  The greys got plucked out as soon as they appeared, and the wrinkles got Photoshopped out of every picture before it was posted to social media.  Voila, I’m 28 again!

Lately, the greys are coming faster than I can yank them out.  Oh, and by the way WTF is up with the grey eyebrow hairs??  Really?  Not only am I losing my eyebrows but now the ones that are left are going to come in grey??  Hmph!  The wrinkles?  Well, they are getting so deep that Photoshop just makes darker fuzzy lines when I try to fix them.

I always thought I would be the type to grow old gracefully, but then again I never thought I would have to worry about it.  I was told time and time again when I was younger that when I got older I would appreciate my “baby face”.  Every time I got annoyed at being carded for cigarettes in my 20’s they said I would wish for that when I got older.  At the time, I rolled my eyes…now, not so much.

Oh and just to go off on a minor rant, if I’m going to get wrinkles can I at least get rid of the acne??  I have more zits at 39 than I ever had as a teenager.  Isn’t there supposed to be some sort of trade off??

Anyhoo, I don’t think I’ll rule out plastic surgery in my future.  I don’t think I’d do an actual face lift, but at this stage in the game laser treatments and chemical peels don’t sound too bad.

So what I have learned about myself as I have gotten older is that yes, I am vain.  I like to look good.  It depresses me a little when I realize that I can’t just go barefaced and flash a smile and get the same results as I did when I was 20.  And furthermore, when I was 20 and didn’t think I was attractive I was fooling myself.  I look back at pictures now and realize I was a very pretty girl.  It’s a shame I never fully realized it.  Or was it more of a blessing?

I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore.

So I turn 40 in 47 days.  Should I celebrate or hide under the covers in my bed until it passes?

I guess if this is the worst of the problems I have in my life, I’m doing pretty good.  😀

The latest Paper Wing production that I have been proud to be a part of came to an end tonight.  O Brother Where Art Thou: A Musical Tribute closed tonight to a sold out and very enthusiastic audience.

Every show must end a run.  Sometimes it is a relief, sometimes it is very sad.  Sometimes it’s a mix of both.

This show was one of my favorites.  The fact that I got to do a show with my husband again was huge.  The fact that we both enjoyed the experience together was even bigger.

The first time I did this show it was 2011, and it was my second show.  I was still pretty shy and scared, but I was learning the ropes but had such a great experience with the cast and crew.  This time around it was much more relaxed for me.  I only had three scenes, and they didn’t start until the second act so there was no running around or quick changes.  It was just a lot of hanging out backstage and having fun.  The fact that my role was small yet sassy meant I got to enjoy a shorter rehearsal time(I didn’t have to do any singing on this one, so I didn’t come in until the blocking started) and fewer lines while still getting to deliver some pretty funny dialogue.  Kinda my dream role.  🙂

The cast and crew were amazing; I got to work with some of my favorite people and meet some awesome new ones.

After most every show, I go through a depression.  The length and severity vary given how attached I grew and how much fun I had.  I usually don’t even realize the end of the show is the reason behind my depression until Rob points it out to me.  I’m hoping that I have so many happy memories with me for this one that it will balance out the depression, but only time will tell.

I have no other shows lined up for this year, and much like my role of Roz in 9 to 5, I think this was a good show to go out with before a long break.  It was fun, but now it’s time to hunker down and focus on the 1/2 marathon in November.

So last night we ventured down the casino one more time in search of food. We ordered some take out from the Mexican place they have here and then gambled on a couple of machines for a while. No big wins but so far we are only down 25.00 in gambling for the trip thus far.
We got our food and came back up to the room and then same as last night we ate and watched TV and went to bed.

This morning we got up and hit the breakfast buffet-actually getting it for free this time. We hit it around 10:00 and it was fairly crowded. By the time we left it was getting deserted so we figured everyone ran in to have breakfast before check out time, given that it’s Sunday.

Rob’s Breakfast

My Breakfast

After we stuffed ourselves we walked over to the mini golf and plunked down our six dollars each for a round. My first hole I actually got a hole in one! Since I never play I was pretty excited. In the end Rob won by two strokes but I did get a second hole in one on the 16th hole.

Hole in one bitches!!!!

After we were done with golf we wandered over to the go cart racing area and raced. There wasn’t a crowd so it was just Rob and I on the track but it was really fun. And my arms are going to be soooo sore tomorrow.

They take their racing seriously!

When we were done we headed back to the hotel room and ran through our options of what we wanted to do with the rest of the day. Rob had mentioned that there was a huge sporting goods store a few miles away that had a Ferris wheel in the middle of it and that he’d like to see that so we headed down to the car and took off.
The place really was huge, and while we weren’t really in the market for sporting goods it had some really cool exhibits. We ended up taking more pictures there than we have the whole trip.

Welcome to Sheels!

What does the fox say??

The archway at the entrance was a giant fish tank.

Quite the catch!

On the way home we stopped at TJ Maxx and I got a darling sweater, driving gloves, hat and scarf combo, lip gloss and new head phones all for under 50.00. I love clearance!
Now we are back up in the room and are relaxing a bit. Our plans for the night are to go bowling and play some more gamble. While I was at TJ Maxx Rob hit up Target and got us some salads for dinner tonight. Cheap and light…I thought it was a good idea since we are hitting up another free breakfast buffet in the morning.

That’s all for now.

So I’ve discussed in here before that my dogs don’t usually have gas or any time of stomach issues.  Shilo had a bout of liqui-shits that lasted a couple of days and has been heard only twice letting out a fart.  They just don’t usually have issues.

Last night I was sitting on the couch after work while Rob was cooking dinner in the kitchen and Shilo was sitting next to me as usual, curled up thisclosetome.  All of a sudden her stomach let out a small gurgle, followed my a larger gurgle and then and even bigger gurgle.  Each time this happened she just looked up at me as if to say: “What the hell was that Mother?”  After that it would gurgle almost every 60 seconds.  I finally laid her on her back and put my hand on her tummy, and you could feel the gas just moving around in there.  Poor thing.  We watched her for a while she didn’t appear to be in any discomfort.  Rob threw the ball to her, and she chased it as usual.

I did take her out even though she had made a poop when we first got home and she did have a very loose one.  After that her tummy settled down, and we didn’t think anything about it.

Earlier today my husband emailed me that he didn’t feel very well.  Like his stomach was all full of gas, and he just felt crummy.  He came home around four and took a nap.

After work, I headed out to Hula’s to meet up with my friend Jourdain who I haven’t seen since 9 to 5 wrapped, and we had a delightful dinner.  I had some sort of weird allergic reaction to the fish that I ordered when my tongue tingled and then got these swollen spots all over it, but other than that I was fine.

After dinner, we crashed a rehearsal at Paper Wing and then I headed home.

Rob was still in bed when I got home, so I headed to the bathroom to pee and got caught up reading a magazine.  As I was reading my stomach started to make all these gurgling noises and before I knew it I was having a pretty severe case of the runs.

That brings us to now.  I feel fine, but I can tell there is going to be another trip to the bathroom at some point.  Rob appears to feel better after napping and Shilo seems to have made a full recovery.

So I’m hoping it was just the mildest flu bug ever to run through the Machado household, and the worst is already in the past.

January started out with a bang when I landed the role of Roz Keith in 9 to 5 The Musical.  This would be my first and only show where I got to sing a solo.  I was stoked, but terrified.  It was also the month that Avenue Q closed and I was very sad to see it go.  That was one fun show, one where I conquered many fears including my fear of heights.

In February I came down with a pretty bad sinus infection that lasted forever and rehearsals started for 9 to 5…I once again was reminded how uncoordinated I am at dancing.  We had house guests for the first time in forever as a band that Rob had played a gig with prior stayed the night on their way to start a tour.

March was a pretty huge milestone month for me as it was the month that I quit smoking.  Yes, I have quit before but this time it stuck.  This was the first time where I wasn’t smoking socially or sneaking the occasional drag off a friends cig.  I even went the whole trip in Vegas without a smoke.  I don’t think that has ever happened before.  For some reason a switch was flipped within me and I was just done.
Also that month Rob did another burlesque show, we had a weekend sleepover with the dogs at Rudy and Jade’s house and a pigeon flew into a 9 to 5 rehearsal…it was a thing.

In April 9 to 5 opened and I was amazed at the fact that I didn’t choke doing my first solo.  The audience at it up.  Despite that, depression began to creep in that month and I’m afraid that it lasted or quite a while.  As did a cold that I managed to pick up after opening weekend.   Also The Paper Wing Fairy was born during a shopping trip with Koly.

May found me in a panic as I managed to forget to bring my costumes to closing weekend of 9 to 5 and didn’t discover it until a half an hour to curtain.  I was and will always be forever grateful to Marjory who sprang into action and found replacement pieces for me to wear with just minutes to spare and to my cast mates for rallying around me when I started to have a meltdown.   I also had a great 39th birthday dinner with my inlaws and attended a really fun birthday party for Michaelle’s boys at Toro Park.

June started out pretty awesome with a girls day with my bestie Paula and got better with a couple of theater dates to see some new shows.  There was a whole fiasco when a turtle was found in our backyard that ended up with him being released back into the wild(my bad George, I mistakenly thought you were a pet).  I got to have a weekend to myself when Rob went camping at the Weckers house and got some kick ass sockmonkey earrings from Heather.  Had a Joss Whedon geekfest with two other fans seeing Much Ado About Nothing and got one hell of a sunburn having a doggie date with Natalie.  Boy, June was busy!

In July things slowed down a bit, my depression started to lessen ironically as I started to ween myself off of my anti depressant meds.  Attended a BBQ at Rob’s friends house and hung out later that month in Santa Cruz while they played for the Wharf to Wharf race.  I also got to meet the Hanner zombie baby.  🙂

August began with seeing a great performance of Macbeth and then a fantastic girls day with my bestie.  That was quickly followed by a weekend to myself in Gilroy where I conquered a fear of driving on the freeway by myself.  Rob and I celebrated our13th anniversary and then jetted off to Maine to visit with my family and friends.

September found us still in Maine eating tons of fried foods and doing lots of tourist things.  Once we got home I became obsessed with making whoopie pies and we attended Jay’s annual pirate party.  Rob got busy rehearsing for Rocky Horror and I became obsessed with Sons of Anarchy.  Shandee came back for a visit and Jenn had her baby shower.

In October we started to have some internet issues and Rocky Horror opened.  I became obsessed with making crackers from scratch and was honored to help a friend get ready for her vow renewal with her husband.  Had a super date night with Lucy, Chris and Angie to see my hubs rock it at Rocky Horror and went back to see the show solo for their midnight Halloween show.

November started with a power outage straight out of a horror movie, but got much better when my husband built me a bass and had it painted in a Sunflower theme.  Had a very cool date with Landess to see Pontypool and began a very nice and relaxing vacation to Vegas.  On said trip I got the pink panels in my hair I have wanted for so long and we went go cart racing for the first time.  Celebrated the 14 year anniversary of our engagement as well as Thanksgiving.

In December I gave up on all the lame excuses that kept me immobile this year and signed back up for the Vegas 1/2 marathon.  Rob and I saw Bob’s Holiday Office Party and laughed our asses off and then had a fantastic Casino Night themed Christmas party for his work.  Had a great holiday party at my own work and was really grateful for the friends that I had.  Accidentally cracked the screen on my laptop but was thankful to receive an old spare one from my father in law to solve my problem.

I have lots of resolutions for the new year.  I don’t usually do them, but this year I really want to start improving myself.  40 years old is rapidly approaching and I am not where I thought I would be in my life.  Not necessarily in a bad way but still…not how I pictured myself.  I want to be healthier.  I want to fight my depression.  I want to keep a cleaner house…all these things fall under the category of self improvement and I need to get on it.

So I’ve been flirting writing with this blog for a little bit now.  It’s something that has been irritating me a lot lately and that is people trying to make other people feel guilty because their lives are going well due to their life choices.  Maybe it’s PMS that is helping me write it now.

An example is something that we deal with every day from customers at work that live on the east coast or another snowy, cold location.  They call in and after they complete whatever they called in for they ask how the weather is out in California.  They DO NOT care what the weather is like out in “sunny California”, they simply want to use that as a springboard to tell you how MISERABLE the weather has been where they live.  And if you so much as dare to tell them that it has been a little “chilly” lately they will scoff and tell you “don’t know cold” because they are expecting snow and or *insert-put-you-in-your-place-reply-here*.

Guess what sir?  I lived my first 25 years on this planet in the cold and snow in Maine.  I shoveled snow and drove in hail and freezing rain and I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!  So guess what I did?  I fucking moved!  Everyone has a choice and I chose to move to a warmer climate, so try and remember that when you want to one up me on how much you are suffering.

It’s not a fucking competition!  I don’t understand why everyone wants to make it one!

Recently Rob and I paid off our credit cards.  In Arizona we used our credit cards to pay for things we didn’t need, like trips to Vegas – I’ll own that.  But when we moved to California and both took a pay cut, those credit cards quickly became a means to survive.  Years and many pay raises later, we were able to start paying large amounts on the principles of those credit cards and that led to the eventual paying off of the balances.  Once that happened we found ourselves with a small abundance of cash flow freed up and decided to start saving for new things.  So far I have a new Ipad, Rob a new computer and we had a nice little trip to Vegas.  We also have enough saved up already to buy a well deserved new mattress.  The one we have is older than our marriage and the reason for many crooked necks and backs.

Now to be fair a lot of people have given praise for us being able to do this and that is cool, but I don’t need or expect your praise.  But what I ALSO don’t need is your guilt trip about how you are poor and I am buying semi expensive things.  I’ve done my time.  And yes, I am fully aware that part of the reason we are no longer in credit card debt is the fact that we have no children.  But guess what, we didn’t want any!  So go cluck your tongue at the fact that you have to buy diapers somewhere else!  We made a choice just as you did.  I’m sorry that you are in debt right now because you have kids.  Someday they will grow up and support you but you don’t see me guilting you about that fact that we don’t have anyone to take care of us when we are old do you?  I also don’t guilt you about all the love and milestone moments you receive that we do not.  Sometimes I wish I had that too but in the long run I know that wasn’t for me…but you will never hear me bitching about it to you!

I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe you should stop and think about the other persons situation before you pass judgement or talk shit behind their back.   Does it make you feel better about your own situation to make another person feel bad about their achievements that they have worked for in life?  If it does, maybe you need to just sit back and think about what that means…