Tales of Withdrawals and Chronic Pain
I think that I need to give myself a break. During the first three weeks of a my antidepressant tapers (or in this case my being off them all together) I cannot allow myself to get caught up in anything more than a simple task.
Anything that gets even the slightest bit complicated sparks a raging fury that is followed by helpless tears and I can’t control it once it starts.
I learned this last night when I had to replace my credit card number on all the places I have it stored. Netflix and Hulu were a snap but Itunes was giving me fits. I realize today that I probably need to update to the newest version…whenever it’s outdated it gives me trouble trying to get to the most simple screen.
I ended up changing it on my phone, but not before damn near overturning my desk and everything on it from sheer anger. I wasted way to much time and put myself in a crap of a mood for no good reason. I just needed to walk away.
That is not an easy thing for a person as stubborn as me to do. So I ended up going bed in an upset state, sleeping poorly and having horrible rage filled dreams.
I just need to NOT.
To give myself some time and walk away when things start to get even the slightest bit difficult. It’s not a permanent thing. In a couple of weeks everything should start evening out and I can go back to being hard on myself if I have to.
Not now. Now is the time to practice self care. Time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head at 6:30 in the evening if I have to. This is not forever.
This will pass and life will get back to normal again. I just need to take it easy on myself until it does.
On that note, I will probably be journaling more to get this shit off my chest. It isn’t fair to my husband for him to be my only emotional punching bag right?
He’s being amazing. So great that every time he comes back with a supportive comment when I’m a seething bitch I feel horrible and dissolve into tears.
I mean, it would be easier if he was being a dick back…I’d at least feel justified.
I totally don’t mean that by the way.
I guess I should talk about the issues that he is going through right now.
About three or four months ago he started getting these random but pretty severe pains. They would travel from his shoulder for two days to his wrist for another two days to his knee to his elbow to his fingers and so on and so forth.
At first I was convinced it was due to the injectible cholesterol meds that his doc had put him on. He had been on them for a few months but one of the side effects was muscle pain. After much nagging on my part he got permission from his cardiologist to stop them for a couple of months to see. It seemed to get better for a small amount of time and then it got much worse.
When the pain traveled to his wrists and fingers he went to his GP, we suspected carpel tunnel and it was all but confirmed by the doc. He told him to get wrist braces and sent him for blood work.
The wrist braces helped a lot but he was still in a lot of pain and it would still move from one random body part to the other.
The blood work came back and the doc told him that he needed to go see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist and gave him a referral.
It took a week to get a hold of the specialist only to be told that he would have to fill out some forms to see if he would be accepted as a patient.
I’m sorry, what??
How does that even work? If you are in the business of helping people you shouldn’t be able to pick and choose who you help. I get it if your practice is full, but that wasn’t the case.
Three weeks later he was rejected as a patient with no reason given.
It turns out that getting into this kind of specialist in our area is not an easy task. It has been almost three months and he still hasn’t been able to get in to anyone yet. The man is in agony 70% of the time but apparently that isn’t a big deal to anyone by he and I.
He is missing work and when he IS at work he is so far behind on his load because he is in too much pain to get it all done.
He is popping Advil like candy and now I’m working about his stomach lining and kidneys because of it.
The worst part of it is because he can’t get seen, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He is just in pain all the time and knows that there is no end in sight.
It’s really putting a strain on everything. His patience is gone and I don’t blame him. He’s gotten better, but he can still be quite snappy when his pain is severe. It’s in my nature to want to try and help and it aggravates him when I keep asking if he is okay or how I can help.
It bothers me a lot to see him in pain all the time and know there is nothing I can do at all to make it go away or even alleviate it a little.
I just want to make everything better for him.
I guess that is what he wants to do for me with my withdrawals too.
Our household is a hot mess right now, but we will get through it.
We will celebrate 19 years married and 20 years together on the 26th of this month.
I love that man with everything I have.
Off The Antidepressants!
Today marks 9 days off of my antidepressant Celexa or rather it’s generic Citalopram.
As stated in previous entries, I have been on this drug for over 20 years…possible 25. It’s been so long that I don’t even remember but I know it was before I met my husband and that was 20 years ago this month.
When I first embarked on this journey, I didn’t think it would take over a year. And truth be told I wasn’t even sure the goal was to get off them completely.
The question I was asked most often when I tell people I am getting off my meds is: “What makes you think you should get off of them?”
The simple answer is that I don’t think that they are working like they did when I first got on them.
The more complicated answer is that ever since I found out how my body has become dependent on them, I have felt the need to not take them.
It’s not an addiction as such. When I smoked, and I quit or was forced to be without cigs for any length of time, I would CRAVE a smoke. I would NEED a smoke. When I couldn’t have one, I would become irritable.
My body does not CRAVE the antidepressant in that way. I never once sat here and thought “Man, I just gotta take that pill. I NEED to take that pill!” What I do have is the mental and physical withdrawals from the medicine that my body had gotten used to after 20 + years of taking it.
As the chemicals in my brain have to learn to function on their own for the first time in two decades, they are letting me know their displeasure.
The symptoms are not really any different than when I had been reducing each dosage in my tapering.
I started this journey at the max dosage of 40mg. On July 12 2018 I took the first step by reducing my dosage to 30mg.
Per my doctor 6 weeks was a good amount for a taper. She said that if anything were to go wrong, it would be during that time frame.
I honestly don’t remember how severe the symptoms were at that point because I wasn’t logging them, but I know I stayed on that dosage for seven weeks just to be safe.
On August 30th I reduced the dosage yet again, this time to 20mg. Again, I didn’t log my symptoms but I know my anxiety was really high on this taper and I stayed on it for 9 weeks before reducing to 10mg on November 1st.
This is the taper I started keeping notes on and talked about them all in a previous entry. Mostly it was like PMS on steroids. Angry and filled with rage followed by uncontrollable sobbing and tears.
Other more minor issues were stomach discomfort, feeling tired, a general feeling of disconnect, some dizziness and just a overall feeling of Meh.
Read the other entry for more in depth details on the symptoms.
Due to a very high stress environment and my anxiety, I stayed at the 10mg taper the longest.
This brings up the question: “Kelz, if you were feeling very stressed and anxious, how do you know it wasn’t being on a reduced dosage that was causing these feelings?”
The answer is that I don’t for sure know that…however I can tell you that there were circumstances that made my life very stressful during that time. If those factors had not been in my life, I am positive that I wouldn’t have felt nearly as bad.
I knew that my withdrawals typically lasted for 3 weeks at their worst and there just never seemed to be a good time to start another taper knowing everything that was on the horizon with me.
I said before that when I first started this, I didn’t know if I wanted to come off the meds completely or just reduce my dosage, but at this point I wanted off! Knowing what my body and mind was going through coming off these pills made me hate the fact that I was even on them in the first place.
Don’t get me wrong, they helped me when I was first put on them. A lot. But at no point was it ever explained to me by any of the many doctors that prescribed these to me over the years that I could ever get off the meds. Nor was I told that the mindfuck that happened to me when I forgot to take a pill or two was withdrawals from the meds. I just thought that it meant I clearly needed to be on these pills. If that was what my personality was like without them, I must need them. Never knowing that it was a temporary thing and it would eventually go away.
Now that I had that knowledge and was quite frankly pissed off that I could have been medication free for years had I known, I was determined to get off the stuff.
I attempted to taper down to 5mg after 12 weeks but after two days and an increase in a stressful environment I went back up to 10 and stayed there for another 21 weeks.
Eventually, I knew there was a 2 week break coming from my major source of stress so I started the 5mg taper on June 24th of this year (2019).
I’m not sure if it was because the dosage reduction was half of what it normally was or the fact that I had been on the last taper so long, but I didn’t feel like the withdrawals were as bad this time around. I was also very gentle with myself and after the first week took a weekend to myself in a hotel room just for the sole purpose of relaxing.
I did have rage, tears, all of that but I felt like it was on a much smaller scale and lasted less of a time than the other tapers.
After six weeks on that taper, on August 5th 2019 I stopped taking my meds altogether.
The first part of the week was fine. Great, in fact. I think it had a lot to do with how proud I was of myself for finally getting off the pills.
On Day 5 I felt my emotions let go and I spewed forth with all the anger and crying for no reason.
This weekend was pretty bad with me crying a lot without knowing why other than it was the damn withdrawals.
Yesterday was pretty good and today hasn’t been that bad…I’m hoping I’m over the worst of it right now but I’m not going to hold my breath.
The things I’ve noticed most the last day and a half is that I am totally scatterbrained. Like total ditz mode and it is really bothering me because I am so NOT that way.
The one great and shining light in all of this is my husband. He has been beyond supportive and he is going through his own personal hell right now. He hasn’t been officially diagnosed because he can’t get into a damn specialist, but they think he has rheumatoid arthritis. He has been in pretty severe pain every day for the last ten or so weeks.
I will blog about that later, because that is a whole ‘nother ball of wax. The reason I mention it is because even when he is in agony, he has been an amazing source of support for me during this tapering thing.
He has never liked the idea of me being on the medication in the first place and when we first got together he tried to get me to consider getting off of them. I did for a week or so but of course had the withdrawals and went right back on. I didn’t know that was what it was, I just assumed my depression was raging again without the meds so I MUST still need to be on them…so many years and money wasted on these damn things.
So needless to say he has been my biggest cheerleader during the last year. That is saying a lot when you consider that he is the one that gets the brunt of all my anger and tears when they show up.
This weekend as he was holding me while I was sobbing he told me: “You are doing a great job…you don’t think you are, but you are doing amazing.” and that meant so effing much to me. Of course it made me cry even harder, but that isn’t the point.
He is being so beyond fantastic with me when I am snapping at him for no reason. Especially when he’s in pain and is being snappy himself. I cannot praise him enough right now.
So what have I been doing in place of the meds?
CBD Oil
L-Theanine
Electrolytes
Min-Tran
I do a half a tincture of CBD oil every morning upon waking. I will usually skip this if it’s a weekend and I know I’m not leaving the house.
I do one 200mg of L-Theanine in the morning and one before bed. <—I’m going to do a seperate blog about this amazing supplement a little alter.
The electrolytes and Min-Tran are as needed.
ETA: Tonight the rage and tears have come back. I cry even more because I wonder if I will ever feel normal again, but I think that every single taper…
1st full day in Maine 2019
We were supposed to be at mom’s at eleven this morning to take her out for a full day of appointments and shopping.
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
When I woke up for the final time at 10:30, I rolled over and told my husband the time and that we were going to be late and also that I didn’t care because were were on vacation.
I then got up and puttered around the BNB.
Called mom and told her we were going to be late and that I would call her when we were on our way out the door.
Putted around some more and we finally got showered and got to Mom’s around one in the afternoon. Hey man, I’m on vacation okay???
We got to Mom’s and got her squared away in the car. We took a trip to our credit union to pull out money for both of us and then headed to the one musician shop we know of in Augusta to get Rob a set of strings for the guitar he left at moms that broke string while we were gone.
Next was getting mom’s blood drawn. This is so Maine to me, but it was a Quest Diagnostics that was attached to a local pizza joint. “Hey Marge, I just got my cholesterol reading done, let’s go split a pepperoni!”
Then we got ourselves some Dunkin Coffee and headed out for her foot doctor. We were there for about a half an hour and the doctor and I chopped it up over flying and hereditary webbed toes. He was a pretty funny guy.
Next stop, Walmart. Mom needed to do her monthly shopping and we were ready willing and able. Who knew a 75 year old woman could wear us out so fast??
After that we headed back to her apartment. This was a lot of excitement for her in one day and quite frankly for us as well. We hung out for a few minutes and then headed back to the BNB with our stuff we bought.
I have spent the last couple of hours painting my nails and snacking while my husband has been playing guitar. Soon we will eat and hit the hay.
Dang we take interesting vacations, don’t we??
Annual Maine Trip Fiasco–I mean Report!
We are in Maine for our annual trip. I wish I could say the journey was easy, but I can’t because it wasn’t.
We were scheduled to fly out of San Jose on Friday night after work. The flight was at 10:45 and would fly us into Boston where we would catch a connecting flight to Augusta where my mother currently lives. We had a friend scheduled to give us a ride and so after work we ventured out to Rob’s parents house where the ride was going to pick us up at seven.
We were early but that was okay because Rob’s brother was in town with his twin sons and it was nice to see them again for even just a minute.
As we were saying goodbye to them so they could go back to their hotel, I whipped out my phone to take a picture and noticed a notification from JetBlue saying our reservation was cancelled.
Ummmm, what?
Long story short, Rob spent about a half an hour or so on hold and then speaking with the Jetblue staff. The flight was cancelled due to weather on the east coast and there was nothing to be done about it. We were rebooked on the same flight for the next night. We were now going to be missing a full day of our vacation.
There is a reason we book the red eye out on a Friday night. I only get a certain number of vacation days a year and I want to obviously maximize them if I can. When flying to Maine we lose almost two days traveling time so to lose another day was NOT cool.
Having said that, we went home and regrouped. There were only a couple of things that needed to be rescheduled and it didn’t seem like that bad of a crisis in the grand scheme of thing…just extremely frustrating.
The next day we managed to make the flight out of San Jose on time and all seemed right with the world. We got to our connecting flights gate in Boston and got some Dunkin Donut sandwiches because were were starving at that point and then waited almost two hours for them to tell us our flight was delayed by about an hour. The next announcement a half an hour later was that the flight was cancelled altogether.
Rob and I were already sleep deprived at this point and pretty much fed up with the airlines shit. We went up to the desk to see what we could do. They told us that we could get refunded or we could rebook for the five thirty flight that night–no guarantee that flight wouldn’t be cancelled either.
After speaking with a slightly more informative employee we were told there was a bus that was leaving in fifteen minutes that could take us to Augusta and get us there by one. It was nine fifteen in the morning at that point. We were told they would have to pull our bags from the current flight (what flight?? It was cancelled!!) and then we would have to race down and catch the bus. The instructions were all very vague but I was over flying at that point and told Rob we should just get the bus.
We ran downstairs and I went to retrieve the bags while Rob jetted out to catch the bus that no one seemed to know where it was. We made friends with another guy in the same boat and between the three of us we finally found the bus stop…where about 50 other people were waiting for the same bus.
About fifteen minutes later the bus finally pulled up and due to a weird quirk of fate, we were finally in the right place at the right time and were one of about 15 that got to board that already almost full bus.
That bus took us from Boston to Portland and then dumped us out at a station to catch another bus Augusta. We were last in line for that one and were very worried we wouldn’t get on, but thankfully we did.
FINALLY, after trying to start this trip on Friday night, we actually arrived at our destination at around 1:30 today.
The only shining beacon of hope in this story so far is that our contact at the HERTZ rental desk in Augusta is an absolute angel and goes above and beyond to make sure we get our rental car.
You see dear readers, this is not the first time that Jetblue has bent us over like this. Last year almost the exact same thing happened. We figured it was a fluke, but the bottom line is that the HERTZ desk in Augusta isn’t open on Sundays. Both trips we risked not getting our rental car and further ruining our plans, but Michelle has saved our butts both times. She got all the nessesary info from us including photos of our drivers licences and signature all via email and then had someone at the airport hold the keys and the paperwork for the car until we could get there to pick it up even though they were officially closed. If I ever meet Michelle, I’m buying her a steak dinner…or a diamond…or you know, just giving her a really big hug.
So she came through for us yet again and we were able to uber (yes, Maine finally has those now) over to the airport and get our rental car.
Since we hadn’t planned on coming into Maine on Easter Sunday we had an initial plan of stopping at a grocery store to get stocked up for our Airbnb and then getting our favorite take out food from a local restaurant. Well, as it turns out there isn’t Jack Crap open in August on Easter Sunday. No grocery stores, not even WALMART for crying out loud! EVERYTHING was closed. We managed for find a Subway that was opened and got some sandwiches to bring back to my mom and for us to eat later.
Finally we got to see my mom for a few hours but exhaustion was overtaking us. We bid mom farewell for the night and headed over to the Airbnb we booked where we are currently relaxing in our PJ’s and will probably not last much longer before heading into sleepy-nigh-nigh-land.
So we basically lost two whole days of our short one week trip and I’m not pleased about it, but I know there isn’t a whole helluva lot we can do about it.
I’m never flying into Maine in April ever again!!!
10 MG – The Celexa Tapering Diaries
Please see my previous entry for the background on this one.
So it turns out that the 10 mg taper has been a lot more difficult than my prior two tapers. I have been a roaring bitch for most of the last two and a half weeks. Also, crying. Weepy for no reason whatsoever out of the blue.
While this was felt to varying degrees on the previous tapers, it feels like it was mild compared to my current situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully functioning. I haven’t missed any work and I’ve even been doing a bit of evening socializing(something I rarely do), but I never know when the bitch switch is going to flip so I would prefer to just curl up in bed with a book.
Now some of this could be due to the time change and the fact that it feels like midnight when I get home from work at night. That alone makes me feel like I’m not doing anything for myself as I only have about an hour or two at night after work before I retire to bed.
The reason I even entertain that is the fact that I took myself shopping on Saturday. I let myself spend a leisurly four hours at the mall. I got some Starbucks, I got a haircut and I got a bunch of new clothes. On Sunday I did practically nothing. I laid in bed and read and played games on my phone. After the weekend, I felt recharged.
I’m still irritable and weepy and I am absolutely dreading when PMS is going to hit this weekend, but I feel better I think than I have the last two weeks.
Having said that, I give you the notes that I have made for my symptoms on this taper:
Flushing – my face has been red and warm for no real reason. (more towards the beginning of the taper) My face tends towards rosacea anyway, but this is noticable when there are no trigger factors involved.
Meh – I had two or three days where I just didn’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness, no happiness. I was basically just putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions.
Stomach – I’ve had some random stomach issues. Some gastritis, also weird random stomach pains. Not often but a few times. Could be completely unrelated, but I was noting everything that I was feeling.
Disconnected – This kind of goes along with the Meh one. I’m not even sure how to describe it other than I just felt disconnected from things around me. I had no real interaction with things or people and when I had to I was completely faking it.
Heart palpitations – To be fair, I have had these ongoing for a while now because of the Keto diet and my magnesium deficiency, but I felt they have been elevated since I started tapering from the Celexa. Of course like a lot of these symptoms, I never associated them with the withdrawal until recently.
Dizziness – This has been rare and so slight when it happens, that I hesitate to mention it at all. However, I said I would document everything so last week I did have a couple of episodes where I felt a little dizzy upon standing.
Tired – SO TIRED. Again this could be the time change, but I’m just really tired all the time. I take the magnesium and CBD oil to get to sleep and once I’m there I get a really restful sleep, I just still feel tired the next day. It seems to be better this week, but last week was almost unbearable. Just pure physical and mental exaustion.
Emotional (Cranky and Weepy) – This has been the worst so far. It is also the very thing that kept me on the antidepressant for so long. Whenever I would accidently miss a dose I would be hit with such waves of rage and misdirected anger the day after that I just assumed the drug was clearly needed. It never occured to me that it could just be a withdrawal symptom.
I’ve been out of control cranky this taper – but I’ve been warning all my co-workers and my husband and they seem to be taking it okay. My husband has been beyond supportive of my efforts to get off the Celexa. He’s just been amazing and I can’t be thankful enough for this fact.
I get ragey mad over stupid little things like not being able to find my pen on my desk or getting my ring caught in my hair. And then I cry because I know I’m out of control and I think I will never be normal again.
I cry when my husband is supportive. I cry when my dog puts her chin on my arm. I cry when my Amazon order doesn’t come on time. I’m a hot mess.
Eating the world – I have wanted to do nothing but eat of control the last couple of weeks. I’m trying really hard to stay on my diet, but even when I do I’m over eating. Constantly grazing and snacking and eating full meals and not getting full. And then when I am full, having to physically restrain myself from eating more because I just want to stuff my damn face. So much for losing the weight the Celexa makes you gain…
Restless legs – I have never had RLS before and when I started getting it a few weeks ago, I didn’t associate it with the taper. I just figured that it was because I was so tired and well, life after 40 is full of tricky little suprises so this must just be the latest fun thing happening to me. And that could still be the truth, but here I am documenting just in case. I have been using a magnesium spray on my legs at night when I get it and it hasn’t been that bad, but it is there nonetheless.
Neck/Jaw stiffness – I have TMJ and I have for all of my adult life. It has never caused me any real pain, just an annoying click every time I open or close my jaw. It’s one of those things that I figured I would get around to correcting “sometime” but it was never a really high priority.
This is another thing that has been happening that I never associated with the withdrawal. I just figured my TMJ was starting to progress and that could be the case, but I’ve been having a some more ear pains and neck/jaw stiffness lately.
Vivid/Strange Dreams – Holy cow, have my dreams been incredibly lucid and real. Especially if I have had any amount of alcohol in my body. I had wine the other night with my friend at dinner and I woke up in a full on panic at the climax of a strange dream where I was running away from something. My heart was hammering.
My dreams without alcohol are still vivid and freaky, but haven’t seemed as anxious and hard to wake up.
The regular dreams are full of espionage and aliens taking over the planet, and they seem so REAL!!
I’m just shocked and amazed that coming off of Celexa can have this amount of withdrawal symptoms and no one ever told me. It’s a shame. People tout the wonders of going on antidepressants, but never tell you the bad stuff when coming off of them.
I Did A Thing – The Celexa Tapering Diaries
I’ve been on antidepressants my entire adult life. In case you need to do the math, I’m currently 44 years old.
I’ve been on Zoloft, Prozac, Welbutrin and Celexa in various lengths of time since I was in my late teens/early 20’s. Celexa was the last one that I tried and I have been on it for about 20 years now. I started at 20mgs for depression and around 15 years ago or so I had a doctor up it to 40 mg when my anxiety started in.
A few years ago I weened myself down to 20 mg again, but soon after my mom had a stroke and I was back up to the full dose.
Over the many years I have taken this drug there have been countless times when I have forgotten to take it for a day. The day after I forgot, I would be so riddled with anger and/or sadness. Crying for no reason, snapping at my husband over stupid things and just feeling a rage that I couldn’t explain.
On those occasions it made me realize that I obviously still needed to be on the medication full force since I had such a poor reaction when I didn’t take it. I was going to have to take this little pill for the rest of my life.
Since my husband had his heart attack, I have been trying to take a more active role in my health. I’ve been to the doctor, gotten my blood work done for the first time in … well, possibly ever. I found out my cholesterol was high, but after a CT scan showed zero calcification in my arteries, my doctor didn’t feel the need to put me on a statin. We are trying to lower it naturally.
She said my liver and kidney numbers were good, but it got me thinking about the fact that I’ve been taking a pharmaceutical daily for the last 20 years.
I’m not really big on medication. I take Advil when I absolutely have to for my period cramps, but as a whole I try to avoid taking anything that isn’t all natural. I haven’t always been this way but more so than not over the last ten years when I started working for a holistic doctor.
Anyhoo, I didn’t like the idea that I would have to be a slave to this little oval pill for the rest of my life.
I discovered CBD oil and that had really helped control my anxiety. I slowly began to wonder if I could see about at least lowering my dosage of Celexa.
I did some research and found that quitting any kind of SSRI is not recommended. There is a something that can happened called Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome that is VERY unpleasant. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Catatonia
Chills
Depersonalization
Diarrhea
Difficulty Walking
Dizziness
Fatigue
Headaches
Impaired concentration
Insomnia
Irritability
Lightheadedness
Muscle pain
Nausea/vomiting
Paresthesia
Psychosis
Shock-like sensations
Suicidal thoughts
Vertigo
Visual disturbances
Vivid dreams
I don’t know about you, but none of those sound very fun to me, but neither does having to take meds every single day.
But in my research, I also found out that what I thought I knew about my body and mind needing this medication as evidenced by my missing pills wasn’t necessarily true. I thought that because I felt so icky and mean and sad after skipping a pill meant that it showed how I would be in everyday life without it. What was really happening was that my body was experiencing a slight amount of Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome.
Was in possible that I could feel good without these pills..eventually?
So for shits and giggles on July 12 2018, I cut my daily dose of Celexa down from 40mg to 30mg.
I’m not sure what I expected. I figured the worst that could happen is that I would feel horrible and just go back up to my full dose.
What I felt was a little more emotional. Sort of like I was PMSing, but it wasn’t my time of the month yet. I was more likely to cry over sad songs, happy endings in movies and even seeing an animal run over on the side of the road.
If I’m remembering correctly, that lasted about two weeks or so before it sort of regulated itself.
To be safe I stayed at that dose for 7 weeks before tapering down to 20mg.
I really wish that I had kept a daily journal of how I felt every day, but I honestly never thought this would last. What I remember is more of the same. Being more susceptible to emotions, good or bad. Tearing up a lot.
I believe that my anxiety was up a bit at that point and I had been having heart palpitations. To be fair I have been having them off and on all along. I was and am on a Keto diet and was when I was low on electrolytes I would get heart palpitations.
About four weeks into the 20 mg dosage, I started magnesium supplementation and that really helped with both the anxiety and the palpitations. Turns out most people are deficient in Magnesium, but that is a whole other blog.
I stayed on this taper for 8 weeks before cutting it down to 10 mg. That was on November 1st. I’ve been at that dose 8 days as of this writing.
Once again I began to feel more emotional during this taper. About the same level as both tapers before. If memory serves, the amplified emotions only last about two weeks or so. We’ll see if it goes longer this time. I’ve never been as low as 10 mg on Celexa before. Ever. I started at 20 and have always been at that or more often than not 40.
My plan is to stay at this level for another 7 or 8 weeks as long as I feel okay and then taper down to 5 mg.
Also in case anyone is wondering, I have cleared this with my doctor. I’m not officially doing it under her “supervision” but she knows that I am tapering and has told me that as long as I feel okay after 6 weeks I should be able to start another taper.
I will check in with her when I am ready to get started on the 5 mg taper because I will need to get a new prescription at that point for some 10 mg pills that I can half. I am still working with the 40 mg pills right now. I half them twice, but since they are oval it will not be possible for me to get an accurate 5 mg dosage out of the pills at that point.
The last couple of nights I did have a hard time getting to sleep, but once I did fall asleep I slept fine. Last night I finally got a good nights sleep and I feel really good today.
Not sure if the sleep thing is related to the most recent taper or not.
Overall, I’m really pleased with the progress. I do wish I had done some research much earlier, but there is nothing I can do about that now.
There is something so freeing about seeing a light at the end of the tunnel of medication that I assumed I was going to have to take for the rest of my life.
It makes me so happy at the thought of not having to take a drug every day to stabilize my mood.
I’ll try and keep better notes during the rest of this experiment and keep you updated.
So many crazies
So much has been going on in my head lately that very few people have been privy to. Once I lay it all out, you are going to wish you weren’t privy to it now. 🙂
It’s no real secret that since Rob had his heart attack in November, that I have been sure I have been having one as well, at various intervals in time. I have a panic disorder. I am also a hypochondriac. Put those two together and get ready for some amazing overreacting.
What I didn’t really realize is that I had probably been fearing the heart attack long before Rob had one. This is because panic attacks can cause chest pain and heart palpitations. I have been having these in varying degrees for years because of the anxiety.
The reality that my husband did indeed have a heart attack, just made all those fears come to the forefront and NEVER leave.
Once we got Rob squared away, I realized that I needed to get myself checked out. I hadn’t had blood work done or a physical performed since I don’t even know when. So I got a new doctor and started the process. She gave me a blood lab order which I promptly ignored until it was time to refill my antidepressant and they said they needed to see me and have the results of the labs. Damn.
So I sucked it up and went in.
Please keep in mind that I have been in the throws of some major upper level anxiety for months. I have been CONVINCED that I am about to/having a heart attack at least three times a day. I am aware enough to know that it COULD be a panic attack and that is what has kept me from going to the ER. I can’t financially afford an ER visit for a panic attack.
I did find after a friend had mentioned it and I read it in Wil Wheaton’s blog, that there could be relief in CBD oil. Not THC, or anything that gets you high, but a tincture of CBD that you hold under your tongue for a few seconds and then swallow. It has been known to show many improvements for people suffering from anxiety and depression.
I got me some and the first day I took it, it was amazing! I felt NORMAL. I didn’t even know what it felt like to feel normal anymore! I not only went to the grocery store that day, but I went to TWO of them. I went to the one that was further in to Carmel and not on my “safe driving route” for my anxiety — and I WAS FINE! Good even!
I used the oil that Monday when I got my blood work done and tried to find the right dosage and reaction through that week. I had days when I felt it worked better than others, but I also had days when nothing could touch my panic.
Like the day of my docs visit to go over my blood work results. I woke up to find that the lab’s app had delivered the results to me. I looked them up and discovered my cholesterol was REALLY high. My LDL was 150. INSTANT PANIC ATTACK that lasted all day. High cholesterol means heart attack, this was proving my theory! Nothing helped me that day. Or more than likely, they HAD helped me from suffering a full and total mental meltdown.
When I finally got to the doctors, she said that she wanted me to get a CT scan to check for calcification. She said that some people can have high LDL, but no calcification. If it came back with some, she would want to put me on a statin. If not, she would just have me exercise and eat better.
Calcification? Oh, you mean the arteries that I’m 98% sure are completely plugged up and causing my inevitable heart attack? You want me to confirm that? Crap.
I called the next day to set up my CT Scan and was told they couldn’t get me in until July 11th. Great, I can now look forward to three weeks of panic attacks(at the time).
Long story short, they ended up calling me last week to say they needed to up my appointment due to construction and them shutting the office down that week. Could I come in on Wednesday morning.
So I did.
Got the results late afternoon on Thursday. CT scan was normal. No calcification.
I haven’t felt that level of relief in a VERY long time. Well, maybe when I found out that Rob was okay after his angioplasty.
And just like that, the panic attacks stopped. The chest pain, the palpitations, the freakouts…all gone.
I’m not saying I will never experience them again because I do have a panic disorder, but for now, this is heaven.
Of note, in my blood work, my doctor told me vitamin D was next to nothing. I was at 12. Vitamin D deficiency can cause anxiety and depression. I started taking my vitamin D last Tuesday I believe. I do believe it helped me in feeling better, but mostly it was knowing I’m not going to drop any second of a heart attack. *knocks wood*
It’s funny to tell the story now, but this was for real kids. This was the kind of crazy shit that was going on in my brain on a daily basis for MONTHS. It was crippling to me.
Since Thursday evening, I have felt fine. I even worked out this morning for the first time in forever. I have been legit afraid to do any form of exercise, even walking, for fear that it would trigger the heart attack that I have been harboring for months now.
I cannot express how freeing and amazing this makes me feel.
I will still keep the CBD oil around as well as some passionflower extract that my friend Jenn recommended for anxiety because they both work and I am known to have acute anxiety when it comes to travel by flight or by car. Since we are driving to Vegas in December and flying to Maine again next year, I’m hoping they will come in handy for those situations.
Seriously dude, I can’t even tell you how it feels to be out from that debilitating anxiety. I hope it lasts.
To sum up, I have high cholesterol.
I have been diligent this week in cutting back on saturated fats. When Rob and I started low carb at his cardiologists suggestion, we went a bit off the chart. BACON! CHEESE! CHEESE COVERED BACON!! So we are working on eliminating processed meats and cheese. More chicken and fish and less pork rinds. 🙂 Plus, now that I am no longer waiting for my heart attack, *knocks wood* I will start working out again which is what my doctor wants me to do to lower the cholesterol.
I go to see her in another three months, where I will have blood work done again right before the visit in hopes that it has been lowered.
Maine 2018 Trip Report Part 2
Thursday we woke and got ready to head to Waterville. The plan was to meet up with my cousin Dot and her sister Helen for brunch at Governors restaurant. This has been a bit of tradition for a while now. Dot basically raised me and my brother when my parents were going through a divorce from my age of 10 to 13. They shuttled us over to Dot’s to spend the night so they could fight without us there. Like we didn’t know what was going on. Heh.
At any rate, some of my happiest memories of that time are of getting to go over to Dot’s house. As long as it wasn’t a school night, we got to stay up late and we ate actually ate our dinner around a table and talked. Plus she had a fireplace and that was just super cool to me. She basically let us be kids without getting too out of control. She was much more than just a cousin to me. She was a staple in all of the Wheelock grandchildren. Spending time with Dottie was an amazing luxury and I miss it. She shaped a lot of my happiness in my childhood.
She is now 93 years old and is as sharp as a tack. She and Helen together are like watching a stand up act. They are just so funny and on it. I can’t even explain unless you knew them, but they are so smart and funny and I just adore them.
We met them at the restaurant and had a wonderful brunch. Dot and Helen had just gotten new hearing aids like my mom, so they all compared notes. We ate until we were silly full and then headed over to Kmart to do a little shopping.
Once we were done, we bid them ado and headed to Clinton to meet up with my bestie from high school Kimmy and her daughter Emily.
Kimmy is my true best friend. I have known her since I was 14 years old and we got up to a lot of mischief when we were young. We have remained friends for all these years and while I moved away and we don’t keep in contact like we should, when we meet up it’s like no time has passed. She couldn’t get rid of me if she tried. 🙂
As I stated in the last entry, she has had a lot of health problems in the last two years. It infuriates me because they were all brought on my the medical establishment for what should have been a routine surgery…but I digress. That is not my tale to tell. It just kills me that she has had to go through all the shit that she has lately. She was the hardest working person next to my mother that I’ve ever known. When mom and I were poor with no food, she would use her meager “leftover” earnings to bring us the smallest amount of food, and it meant THE WORLD to us.
At any rate, last year she was still in the hospital when I saw her, so it was nice to see her in her home with her daughter.
We spent about three hours and we all got to play with her two white kitties. Mom was in HEAVEN, having just had to put her own cat down a couple months ago. She’s always been a cat person and she had to live 26 years without one once I was born as I am allergic.
Kim’s daughter Emily is one of the most well adjusted teenagers I have ever met. She takes great care of her mother and has a genuine love for life and doesn’t seem to fall into the pitfalls of teenage drama, like I have seen happen. This speaks volumes about how Kimmy raised her.
After our visit, we stopped at Cappza’s pizza on the way home for a proper hamburg pizza. The best place to have it when I grew up there was Sonny’s in Fairfield. It was a staple in our house and we had it often. From everything I have heard in the last few years, Sonny’s changed hands and changed their recipe. Cappza’s was recommended as a suitable replacement and it sure was. Tastes just like Sonny’s to me.
Friday morning we had to check out of the hotel. I was going to miss it, but not the price tag. Check out was painless and we were off to pick up my mom. There was a Thai food restaurant at the Augusta airport that Rob and I have always wanted to try but never seemed to be able to fit into our schedule. Well, Friday was Rob’s birthday and he demanded Thai food dammit! 🙂 Mom is skeptical of anything that isn’t meat, potatoes or pasta, but since it was Rob’s birthday, she agreed to go with us.
She ended up enjoying everything and we brought home lots of leftovers for her.
My memory at this point is fuzzy of that night, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t do much else. We spent the night at mom’s and the next day we drove the car back to the airport to turn it in and catch our flight.
Our puddle jumper to Boston was bumpy. It was very cloudy and it was raining in Boston. I was not pleased, but we did make it there safely. Once there we endured a four or five hour layover. Lots of sitting around reading and playing on our phones.
The flight home was pretty okay once we got above the rain clouds. I watched Ladybird which was pretty cool and listened to some podcasts. About an hour before we were to reach San Jose, a woman came up to the front where we were seated to wait for the restroom. I wasn’t paying that much attention until all of a sudden the people opposite us were pressing the call button repeatedly and waiving for the flight attendants.
I couldn’t see what was going on because there was a panel there where the woman was, but the next thing I know the flight attendants are on the intercom asking if there are any doctors or nurses on the plane. Talk about a panic attack.
Long story short, the woman felt faint and they sat her down. A couple of doctors or nurses came up to the front and from what I could see, they basically just sat around and shot the shit with each other while keeping the woman seated in the galley.
When we were cleared for landing, they sat the lady in an empty seat in the front and we landed safely. She waited there until we all left the plane. I hope she was okay.
The plane ride itself took about an hour longer than scheduled because apparently there were winds in the midwest. To avoid them, they took us up through Canada and back down, tacking on an extra hour to the flight. While I was grateful for the fact that we had less turbulence, it meant we were going to miss our shuttle home. We would land just in time to catch it, but the fact that we had to wait for luggage meant we would miss it.
That also meant we would have to wait two hours for the next shuttle. Like the day hadn’t been long enough already!
So we made our way to baggage claim and waited on our luggage resigned to the fact that we would not be getting home until about three in the morning.
We pulled out bags alongside us as we made our way to the shuttle bus pick up area. We saw a gentleman sprinting there in front of us and we figured he was probably on our flight and was in the same predicament, but he was on his phone and looking around fervently. As we settled in at the pickup spot, the guy kept darting out into the road, obviously looking for something. A few seconds later a Monterey Airbus pulled up. The bus we thought we missed. The bus that THANKFULLY was running 45 minutes late!
We were thrilled!! And it turned out that guy had been on the phone with the dispatch and they were telling him it was coming as he was speaking to them.
The rest of the trip home was uneventful. My father in law picked us up and brought us to his house where our car and our dogs were. We loaded up both and were on our way home.
Overall it was a very good trip. Got some good Mom time in and some alone/vacation time as well.
The more I go back to Maine, the more I realize that the friends that I see aren’t as plentiful as I used to, but these are the friends that put the effort into contacting me and making sure that we see each other when I come out. The friends that I have had forever and the ones that I can always pick right back up with no matter how much time has passed since we have spoken. So while I didn’t get to see “everyone” I got to see the ones that counted.
Next trip: VEGAS BABY! I can’t wait for December!
Maine Trip Report 2018 Part One
Dear readers, I am afraid our tale of travel starts on a sour note this time.
We had booked our trip with our usual flight – a red eye out of San Jose to Boston on Friday night after work, followed by a three hour layover in Bean Town on Saturday morning and a Cape Air puddle jumper to Augusta, ME. We have used this route for years and never had a problem.
Welp, not this time. We began to get notices of a flight delay in the late afternoon. It started with a half an hour and grew to an hour and then by the time we pulled up to Rob’s parents house so they could drop us off at the shuttle, it was saying it was delayed until midnight. It was then that I got an email from JetBlue telling us that the delay was going to cause us to miss our connecting flight in Boston to Augusta and that we should call them ASAP to rectify the situation.
Rob hopped on the phone to them while I called the shuttle to tell them we would not be making the shuttle we paid for and would need the later one. They were perfectly fine and the change was made in minutes. JetBlue however took much longer.
Long story short: Jetblue re-booked us on a flight the next morning out of San Francisco at eight with a connecting puddle jumper in Boston an hour after we landed.
While that got us to Augusta only 8 hours later than we would have, it put a huge snag in getting our rental car because they would be closed by the time we got there and wouldn’t reopen until Monday.
Side note here – we didn’t think about this until we had gotten home – JetBlue could have saved a lot of problems for us by keeping us on the delayed San Jose flight and simply moving us to that later Cape Air flight. Why they didn’t think of this I do not know, because it would have saved them a lot of money too. Instead they booked us on the San Fran flight and put us in the extra leg room seats no extra charge on our flight there and back at no extra charge.
Another side note – the San Jose flight ended up not being delayed as much as they thought and we would have made the connecting flight on the original flight plan.
While all of this was frustrating to us the first day of our trip, it was what it was and we can’t change it now.
So we got up at one thirty Saturday morning, showered and drove to Rob’s parents so his dad could drive us to the Marina shuttle bus pick up at 3:45 AM. Tired yet? Yeah, so were we.
The first thing I learned about flying out of SF instead of SJ is that the plane is nicer. There is a 1st class cabin and the coach seats are a bit nicer and have touchscreen tablets in the back of the headrests with more entertainment options than the SJ flight. Not a huge selling point, but it was nice just the same.
Both flights went off without a hitch. While we were waiting in Boston for our flight, Rob emailed the local Hertz counter in Augusta where we had our rental car reservations and told our tale of woe. They wrote back and asked for some information including pictures of our drivers licenses and told us that they would leave the keys and the contract with the Cape Air desk in Augusta. So even though the car place would be closed, we would get our rental car. HUGE relief as we wouldn’t have to rearrange so many plans when we got there.
The car they had waiting for us was a brand new Ford Fusion. It had 2000 miles on it and was super fancy inside. It literally took me ten minutes once inside the car, to figure out how to start it.
With a quick stop at Hannafords to get some simple groceries for dinner that night we headed up to my mom’s apartment and crashed.
The original plan was to have dinner at Red Barn with my adopted sister Naomi and her brood, but we arrived to late. We moved the plans to lunch the next day and had an easy dinner at moms that night.
The next day we got up and met Naomi, her husband Dan and all five of their combined children. I had to pick them up in shifts. LOL!
We had a lovely lunch at the Red Barn(my favorite restaurant in all of Maine) and it was good to catch up. Originally mom was going to join us but she felt a bit unsteady on her feet that morning and declined. On the way back I brought Naomi up to the apartment so they could visit since they hadn’t seen each other in years.
After I brought Nae home Rob and I took a trip to Walmart for all the things we might have forgotten and then rested a bit at moms before heading out to meet one of my oldest friends Katherine at Big G’s for an early dinner.
We had a great visit and then it was off to moms for an early night as we were still adjusting to the time difference.
Monday was Moms favorite day of each trip as it was Casino day!! We packed up our bags again and drove an hour or so to Oxford Maine. Home of one of the two casinos that Maine has to offer. We have been to both and mom prefers this one, so that is where we go from now on. Last year they were working on the hotel that would attach to the casino but it wasn’t done so we stayed across the street at a Hampton Inn. It had a shuttle bus that went to and from the Casino but Mom had a really hard time with the stairs on it so she was super looking forward to being able to just take an elevator down to the casino whenever she wanted on this trip.
Check in was painless. We had originally booked a regular room for us and an ADA room for Mom because last year the bed was too high for her in a regular room. Welp, the ADA room was clear at the end of the hall and our room was right by the elevators. Since the bed heights were the same she opted to switch rooms with us so she would have less walking to do. The result was we had a funky shower but a MUCH bigger room than normal.
Mom soon realized that going down the casino without us wasn’t a good idea. She didn’t divulge to us how much money she lost in the hour she went without us, but she said she probably shouldn’t have done it.
When we eventually did go down together, we all stuck pretty close. The way we play slots is just for fun. We find three machines next to each other and then we all take turns on our machines. Mom will play a round and we will watch, then Rob will play around and Mom and I will watch and so on and so forth. It makes the time stretch and therefore we don’t spend as much money as if we were just sitting there hitting the button over and over.
After a few hours we called it a night, getting some food from the “pub” right before the elevators to the rooms that was surprisingly good and heading up to the rooms.
The next morning we hit the slots one more time for Mom before heading out. We cashed out all her tickets and it turned out that she had broken even on the trip. She was very pleased.
We drove straight through to Mom’s apartment and spent a little time with her there. This was our free day. We had booked a hotel room for the next three nights. Most of our days were to be spent out and about with Mom and friends but that day, it was ours.
We stopped at Target and then checked into the brand new Homewood Suites in Augusta. It was AMAZING! It was pricier than we wanted to pay, but in the end it was worth every penny. Plus, since I am a Hilton Reward member, this will serve towards points on our next trip.
It was basically a little studio apartment and it fit our needs wonderfully. We relaxed and watched TV and I hit the pool. It was fabulous.
Wednesday we were supposed to meet up with my bestie from High School Kimmy. She has had a lot of health problems in the last year and a half and she texted me that morning that she wasn’t feeling up for it so we said no problem. We changed our plans a little. We had originally planned to take Mom to her favorite ice cream place on Friday, but since we now had the afternoon free, we called picked her up and took her out.
When we were done, Mom wasn’t ready to go home yet. She rarely gets out and about so she suggested we go for a drive.
We ended up in Lewiston at the Marden’s there. I hadn’t been there in years and I was excited for Rob to see one of the original locations. He had been to the new one in Waterville, but it wasn’t the same.
We got quite a few little trinkets and then headed home. Mom hadn’t been on the back-road to Lewiston and back for easily 20 years so it was fun for her to see what was new and what was still there. She kept us entertained will all her stories of what “used to be there.” 🙂
We dropped her off and took off for another night of TV, pool and relaxation. We had a couple of salads delivered that night simply because we were sick of fried foods at that point.
My Morning Routine
In an effort to start blogging more I am starting to use writing prompts, this is my first one.
I’m pretty sure that this type of prompt is for someone who doesn’t just roll out of bed and go to work like me, but I’ll humor it anyway.
On weekdays I set my alarm for 7:00 AM. I have to be into work at nine. I will then hit my snooze button several times. On a good day I will wake right before the final snooze and check out the social media on my phone, but most days I just snooze it until eight and haul my tired ass out of bed.
I then brush my hair, weigh myself and get in the shower.
Shower takes very little time on a good day. Shampoo, Condition, wipe down the old bod and rinse. Done. Some days there is shaving involved and that does take a few extra minutes.
Out of the shower I towel off and put my hair up in a turban to get it out of the way. Next is the brushing of the teeth, followed by applying deodorant. This is very important. If I don’t do this in order, I will tend to forget a step and no one wants that. After deodorant, I liberally apply neck and chest cream and a little bit of moisturizer to my cheeks if it is the winter because that shit gets dry. I have super sensitive skin and can only put a small number of things on my face without causing problems. I know this will come back to bite me in the ass and already is in the wrinkle department, but I can’t walk around looking like a lobster either.
Next I Qtip the ears and head into the bedroom where I get dressed. Dressing is not a huge ordeal for me as I only have a few different sets of clothes that I wear on a daily basis. Mostly jeans and ill fitting shirts. My body is still a work in progress after losing 30 lbs last year and I’ve yet to update my wardrobe much. Plus I’m only going to work and as much as I love my co-workers, they’ve seen me before and I don’t really need to impress.
After I am dressed, I grab my phone and Ipad off their respective chargers and go back into the bathroom where I remove the turban and brush out my hair. I fantasize about doing something fancy with it, but it’s wet and I don’t have time so I part it on the right side and brush out the tangles.
Out in the living room/kitchen I grab whatever lunch we prepared from the night before and stuff it into my backpack, adding some fruit or hard boiled eggs or bread to toast for breakfast. I make sure I have everything I need and then head out the door. OCD makes me stop and make sure I’ve shut the fridge door and that none of the heaters are still on and then I’m in my car.
Once at work I put my breakfast/lunch in the fridge and gather my tea and water. I gave up caffeine a few months ago when my anxiety was peaking, but I really missed having something hot to drink in the morning. I’ve never been a fan of tea, but with a big of research I discovered Roiboos Tea(pronounced RoyBoss). It is a sweeter tea that has no caffeine and a relaxing property about it. I have fallen in love with it and start every morning with it. I add a splash of vanilla coffee creamer and a tsp of honey and I’m good to go.
With beverages in hand I return to my desk and if I hadn’t had the foresight or time the previous night to arrange my vitamins I will do so. I split them into three doses because there is a lot of them and put them in their respective shot glasses.
The rest is boring work stuff.
Fascinating no?
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