I’ve felt really ugly and unattractive the last few weeks.   I know I keep gaining and losing the same five to ten pounds and I’m sure a lot of it rides on that.  Or maybe it’s just that I’m getting older and I don’t look the same to myself as I used to.  In the mirror where I used to see clear skin and bright eyes, I now see wrinkles, enlarged pores and bags under my eyes looking back at me.

I realize aging happens to all of us and most of us don’t want it to happen.  While I am not fond of the idea, I guess I’m pleased that as I near the age of forty(less than three more years!) my face hasn’t taken as bad of a nose dive as it could have.  I’m just starting to get a hint of crows feet and a slight set of laugh lines.  My forehead has always been my worst problem area.  As a sarcastic teen/adult it was always cool to raise my eyebrows and furrow my brow and I am now paying the price.  I guess if it gets to me too bad I just give myself bangs, problem solved.

No, this hasn’t been as much about what I see in the mirror, it is more about how I feel in my own skin.  I had stopped working out and was eating poorly.  That always makes an impact on so much more than my clothing size, it makes me feel yucky in general.  It breeds depression and anxiety for me and I always forget that until I change my habits and start feeling good again

This past week I have stepped up my game.  The 1/2 marathon is just three months away and I have been doing nothing in the way of training.  That has changed.  Not only have I been walking two miles on my lunch break almost every day, I have decided to start eating better as well.  I may not always succeed in it but I AM making better choices most of the time and it is making a difference.

I feel my body shrinking but more important, I feel my head clearing.  It is amazing how taking a half an hour out of my day to work out and not being a slave to food makes such a huge impact on your mind and body.

Today I woke up, showered and pulled a dress I have never worn out of my closet.  I had bought it a few months ago on Ebay and it is a size 16.  I never tried it on because, I wasn’t a size 16.

Not only did it fit, but it looked GOOD!  I dressed it up with a belt and shoes and even put some make up on.

I got a lot of compliments on how I looked today and while I appreciated them, I didn’t need them.  I FELT good. I felt pretty and attractive and I hadn’t felt that way in a while.

Sometimes we all need those days.  I sure did.

A month or so ago Rob and I got hit with the flu.  It was an annoying little bug that hit him harder than it did me but was out of system within two days each.

Sunday night Rob started to get a headache that just wouldn’t quit.  On Wednesday he started to develop other flu like symptoms such as vomiting and due to the vomiting, body aches.  He said it felt like the same thing he had before so we just sort of sat back and waited for it to go away.

He stayed home from work on Thursday and did a half day on Friday.  He had a gig that he had already committed to for a friend so he followed through with that on Friday night and came home just dead on his feet.

Saturday he said he was just getting worse but told me to go to rehearsal and if he still felt crummy when I got home he would let me take him to Urgent Care.  I reluctantly went to rehearsal, and when I got home he was still sick but said he would wait until tomorrow.  If he wasn’t any better he promised we would go to Urgent Care.

Over the course of the night he appeared better.  He was able to hold down two pieces of bread with some peanut butter on them.  I was so relieved!  He was on the mend, and everything was going to be okay.

This morning we woke around six and he mumbled that he felt even worse than he had been feeling, threw up and went back to bed.  I googled Urgent Care and none of them opened til eight.  I went back to bed and Rob said he wanted to sleep as long as he could before we went.  I know he was hoping that it would just start getting better.  The last time we went to the emergency room for something like this he ended up staying there for several days and I know he didn’t want that to happen again.

We finally got up and showered around ten and after a small discussion decided to head to the CHOMP emergency room in lue of Urgent Care.  There was a serious chance he could be admitted and we didn’t want to have to travel to two different places and do paperwork twice.

I have to say I am pretty impressed with the CHOMP ER.  His info was already on file from some blood work he had done years ago and instead of making you stand there in pain to register they get you into a room and have the registration people come to you with a laptop.

After we were in the room a few nurses came in and said someone would be with us.  Rob had a bout of throwing up that brought in a nurse with an anti-nausea tablet to put under his tongue and set up an IV for him.  He took down all the info he needed and then told us the doctor would be in soon.

The nurse had taken some blood when putting in the IV so when the doc came in we explained everything again and he said he was going to run some labs on the blood and make sure there were no infections or anything.  We said fine and he was off.

At that point there wasn’t much to do so with Rob’s encouragement I headed down to the gift shop to get some magazines and stopped off at the cafe to get a bite to eat.

When I got back to the room Rob was in pain.  The headache was back in full force and after a little coaxing I managed to get him to admit he wanted me to find a nurse to get some pain meds.

I informed the nurse that had initially gotten us into the room and she said she would check it with the doctor and find out.  About a half an hour later Rob was just miserable and had another bout of vomiting.

Now just a word on this…there was nothing left for Rob to puke up.  He hadn’t held anything solid down in five days except for the bread and that was long gone.  The dry heaves that he had were so powerful his entire face, upper body and back turned tomato red and he couldn’t breathe.

As he was retching into the bucket they thoughtfully provided the nurse rushed in with a shot of narcotic pain medicine.  (Boy, loud retching sounds of death really bring the nurses coming in this place…good to know!)  He was bent over unable to breathe when she put the shot in his IV.

She walked away and all of a sudden Rob’s motor skills slowed down to a crawl.  He looked at me to say something and all that came out was a jumbled slur.  I could tell he wanted to to convey to me that he couldn’t talk but his mouth no longer worked.  I managed to hear “talk.” in the slurs that were falling out of his lips but that was all I could understand.  He then tried to sign to me but even that was slow and unsuccessful.  The next thing I know he fell back on the bed passed out and his heart monitor alarm started going off.  I looked up and his heart rate had dipped below 35 BPM and the red lights were flashing.

I ran out into the hallway and found a nurse, she told me that someone was monitoring the heart rate machines and would be right in.  She then came in followed by the nurse that gave him the pain meds and they got him to wake up but he still couldn’t really speak.  One nurse put him on some oxygen while the other one gave him a shot of anti-nausea meds.  They got him to take some deep breathes and then he drifted off into sleep as his pulse stabilized.

This is where I had to step out into the hallway and bawl.  I literally felt like I had been watching him die in front of me. I had never been so scared in my whole life.

Okay that is all I can write about that now because I’m crying again….moving on!

The nurse told me that she thought it was the combo of him not getting enough air as she gave him the narcotic and that caused him to pass out.  She didn’t seem the least bit worried that my husband seemed to be having stroke like symptoms and left the room.

The doctor came in shortly after and woke Rob to tell him that the labs came back normal, he was telling us he was ready to release us when I told him about what had happened.  Rob spoke up and seemed to have all of his speaking skills restored thank God.  The doctor appeared to know about the pain meds because he had to approve them but didn’t get informed about Rob’s reaction to them.  He ordered a CT scan just to make sure Rob’s head was okay.

The scan came back normal and Rob was released.  We made it to Safeway just in time to get his prescriptions filled.  He has two pain meds and one anti-nausea one.  He’s been resting comfortably since we got back.

The doctor said that it was just a really nasty flu virus that had to run it’s course.  He said antibiotics don’t work on viruses, so he gave Rob a note to be out of work for the next two days but basically said there was nothing more he could do.  Nothing but clear fluids until tomorrow and come back if things get worse.

Total time in the ER was about five hours.  Just an exhausting day.

I would do it all over again though just to have this piece of mind that there is no brain tumor/stroke/organ failure happening and it’s just the flu.

Dear Everyone That I Encountered On The Road Today,

I realize that it is Saturday and you may have no place that you need to go, but you need to know that is not always the case with everyone else. Some of us actually have to be places on time.

I’m just wondering how it could possibly be that EVERY SINGLE CAR I got behind today drove like grandpa or grandma moses.  At first it was mildy amusing in a weird way, but then it got downright annoying!

I also realize that last weekend you all were driving like assholes instead of Grandma’s but I’m not sure how much of an improvement today actually was.  At least last weekend I was able to swerve to avoid you cutting me off and still manage to get places when I was supposed to.

In conclusion I would just like to point out that if you want me to hold on to any shred of sanity I have left, please for the love of God, IT’S THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT!  Use it!

Love and Kisses,

Kelly

I finally made it to the pet store today.

Pappy is such a low maintenance dog that we really didn’t have any toys in the house.  Certainly no chew toys.  Pappy’s never been much of a chewer unless he was confined in some way and had to chew his way out(learned that lesson by tying his leash to the table leg when we first brought him home and didn’t have a crate.  Woke up with him in the bed with us and the remains of his tattered leash around his neck.)

We stopped at a tiny pet store in PG right after we picked her up to get a crate and and puppy food.  They were nice enough to give us samples of the bed food to get us by until we could get to a grocery store, but that was all we got.

Today Rob was home so I was able to head out to get the grocery shopping done and since there was a pet store right next to Safeway I was able to pop in and get a bunch of chew toys, food, a collar, leash and okay, a couple of cute little sweaters for her.  Yes, I am *that* kind of dog mother.

She was napping when I got home but soon woke up.  I put her new pink collar on her and she spent the next ten minutes itching it and rolling around on her back trying to remove it with no luck.  I then gave her one of her new chew toys and BOY was she happy!!!

She still wants to chew the carpet, the couch, my hair and such but it is so nice to be able to give her an alternative rather than just saying no and taking things away from her.  Plus, it’s kind of hard to take the couch away from her.

She does NOT like her leash but she looks to be very trainable.  All the things they taught me when I took Pappy to Petsmart training are coming back to me.  🙂

Inner Me: “Wait, you want to get involved in a play again?  Weren’t you just saying how glad you were it was over?”

Me: “Yes, but that was so intense.  And it was over for a month or so and maybe I’m ready to start again…”

Inner Me: “But  weren’t you sick twice in the time of the last play?  You are NEVER sick!”

Me: “Yes I was, but it all worked out didn’t it?”

Inner Me: “But you got so run down!  You were physically and emotionally exhausted!”

Me: “And?  As apposed to sitting on my couch doing nothing?”

Inner Me: “Give me one good reason why you would want to get involved in another play…”

Me: “I went to the rehearsal today and it felt like home.”

Inner Me: “… I got nothing.”

Here is my annual year in review:

In January of 2009 we found ourselves in Santa Cruz enjoying a small weekend vacation with the dog.  We had a great time on he boardwalk and Pappy was glad to have been included in the weekend away.  🙂

In February, I walked a five K with my friend Julie in Pacific Grove…it was COLD!

March found us in LA for my very first time seeing RENT live.  We also made a weekend out of it, bringing the dog and seeing Universal Studios.   We also met up with Rob’s friends Nina and Will,  but the highlight was RENT.  🙂

In April I discovered the local library, in turn, saving us thousands in my reading habit.  We had a minor scare with Pappy eating an Advil and had to get an emergency vet visit.   The best news of all came from me having my final sedation dental appointment and having 20,000 dollars worth of dental work behind us.

May found us mourning the death of Rob’s G’ma Laura and me participating in yet another five K, this time with my friend Paula.  Also Rob planned a surprise birthday weekend for us and the dog in Cayucos where I finally met a long time friend of his and her family that we had been conversing with for years.

In June, I am not sure what took place because of my lack of blogging and picture taking.  (Hey!  It is how I remember shit okay???)  😉

July was a fun filled month as I flew my happy little butt back to Maine for my cousin Sherry’s wedding and had a blast with all my old friends and family.  It ended with me completing my first ever 10 K in Santa Cruz.

August started off with Pappy not being able to participate in the competition that won him 3rd place last year because of his territorial issues, and ended with our annual trip to Vegas to see mom for our anniversary. 

In September I did yet another five K in Pebble Beach for Rob’s old high school…I managed to shave four minutes off my time from the previous year.

October had me down with the sickness when I caught the flu that everyone at work seemed to have had.  Luckily I recovered in time  for my friend Megan’s wedding and to travel to San Francisco with my friend Julie to see RENT for the second time.  The next day we got to see our friend Melissa finish the Nike Women’s Marathon.

In November we hosted Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever and it was a low carb theme to stay on my diet.  A success!!  🙂

December had me realizing my greatest fears as I found out that our local college was going to be putting on the play of RENT. 

So that is my year in a very short review.  I hope that next year can be even better and happier and I wish that for you and yours as well.  🙂

Trip wrap up to follow soon…but here are the pics from Vegas.

Yesterday turned out to be my not do much of anything day.  I went to the gym and got my Coolatta of course.  I came home and fed the mom and myself and then while mom was napping I headed out to the Turnpike mall to check out the Made in Maine shop(I think I have the name slightly wrong though) to get some gifts for the kiddies back home.  I dropped a cool 100.00 there but I think I got enough for everyone and it saves me from getting the cheesy generic gifts last minute at the airport that cost and arm and a leg.  I got quite a few tee shirts for Rob because they had some really cute ones with Maine sayings on them that he will get a kick out of I think.  Oh and two hats for him.
I also hit up TJ Max because last year I got this really cute pair of platform Mary Janes that I get compliments on all the time but they didn’t have anything that interested me.
On the way home I stopped at Rite Aid to get some Tampons and stuff to treat the blister that I managed to get while running the day before and found another tee shirt for Rob.  🙂
Back home I was hit hard by cramps so I took some advil and later mom ran to Pizza Hut for a quick dinner of breadsticks.  I watched a couple episodes of LOST and went to bed.
The power went off this morning around five.  I know this because the fan that I run at night on me shut off and that was followed by a rather loud popping sound outside.  It wasn’t raining so I’m guessing we blew a transformer or something up the road.  I fell back asleep and when I woke up the power was back on so I’m not sure how long it was out.  I only know that I overslept and it was already noon.  I called the nail place that got good reviews on Yahoo and asked if they had any appointments open today, they did so I showered and boogied on down there.
The first thing she said when she looked at my nails was: “Where did you get these done??” 
I had been afraid of that.  See, I got acrylics for the very first time two weeks ago at a place just a mile from my house.  I had never had them before so I really didn’t know what to expect.  It took two hours and in the end they seemed really thick to me but what did I know, I had never had them before.  Within a week they were pulling up on the edges and by the time I had gone in today they were pretty ratty looking.
The lady just shrugged and went to work.  In a half an hour not only were the edges filled in and perfected but she had also filed down the thickness on the rest of the nails  Now I have realistic looking nails, not thick goopy looking ones.
Of course I *would* find the nail tech that I adore and she is in Maine.  Hmph.
On the way back to Mom’s I stopped and got a Coolatta and a breakfast sandwich for mom and then headed out for Naomi’s.
On the way to her house I had to pass by the new location of the garage that my ex-boyfriend R worked at.  I had no idea if he even still worked there or not but of course I looked as I drove by.  There he was, stepping out from the garage, wiping his hands on a rag.  Only…his hair was grey and short.  Still had the scraggly beard but wait…was he always that SHORT??  Surely he must have shrunk.  I don’t remember him being shorter than me and I *know* he didn’t have that giant gut.  I mean, he had a beer belly but he looks positively 9 months pregnant now! 
I drove on by chuckling to myself.  Of course, I am an older and slightly larger version of the girl he must remember too but it made me giggle to see that time hasn’t been especially kind to him.  😉
I got to Naomi’s and we sat around for a while.  Her two youngest came in and dissected my purse.  I ended up putting a little make up on each of them and letting them play with my IPOD. 

    
Nae’s husband was kind enough to watch the kids while Nae and I ducked out for some Chinese food at Canton Village.  I’ve been taking Naomi here ever since I can remember.  In fact tonight she mentioned the time I took her and her sister there after getting my 1st paycheck from my first real job.  For some strange reason Nae ended up drinking like 15 sodas that day.  Not sure why but that is what we always remember about it.  Heh.
As we were pulling back into her driveway Naomi shouts: “Oh my GOD Kelly, is that my daughter??”
I pull into a parking space and we both get out to see her two youngest daughters COVERED in mud and sliding down a hill in a makeshift mudslide.
Naomi couldn’t even stay mad as they screamed: “HEY MOM!! LOOK!!!” and took another trip down the hill.  Naomi’s oldest Brianna was free of mud but her clothes were not the same ones she had been wearing when we left.  She admitted she might have been the one to start the mudslide but she had since cleaned up and stopped.
However, seeing that her mother wasn’t completely pissed about it, she asked if she could head down again and there she went.
It was quite funny and I got some video of it as well as some good pictures.
We went inside and rinsed the two youngest before I took off back for home. 
That is where I am, on my second glass of wine and getting ready for a peaceful slumber.
Tomorrow I will be hitting the gym and probably going to see Donna and Terry.  After that I’ll be heading over to Maggie’s where Kim will meet us and we will probably go out to dinner or something.
Sweet dreams all!

We got a Christmas tree tonight!!!!! Woohoo!
I know that is exciting for most people, but for me it is super exciting!
I remember as a child sitting in awe on the carpet as my father assembled the giant fake Xmas tree that he put together every year. It was one of those hideous dinosaurs that you had to match color to color each inch of the way. My dad would get frustrated but my brother and I were there to make sure we had all the colors of the branches together to give him as he moved on to the next step. It was one of the few things my brother and I agreed upon.
With the tree assembled, we were not able to decorate it just yet. I remember that clearly. My father had had enough with putting it together and wanted nothing further that night.
Being that we lived next door to our grandparents and the fact that they were semi retired, gave them the job of coming over to our house while my brother and I were still at school and putting the lights on the tree.
That was the official go ahead. Once the lights were on, we were free to decorate to our hearts content.
We were nearly giddy all through the school day, knowing that when we got home there would be fresh strands of blinking lights on our artificial tree…not that we could plug them in…no, that was left for the adults. But the mere fact that they were on the tree meant that my brother and I could pull a full force assault on the tree with our decorations, no matter how horrendous they were.
Tinsel was my favorite. Who could ignore the shiny silver glassiness that adorned the “leaves” of the tree. I loved to pull all the tinsel out and just play in it. This was of course, discouraged.
At the end of the day, after the tree was assembled and lit, my brother and I made haste with the decorations. As if that would hurry Santa down the chimney and deliver our presents faster.
After my father left and it was just my brother and I attending to the tree, the magic wore off. After my fifteenth birthday we didn’t even go on with the charade. There was no point. Christmas wasn’t about the tree or decorations. It wasn’t about much other than family for the few slim years we could afford nothing else.
Now…19 years after I have ever possessed or decorated a Christmas tree, I find myself giddy. I want to document the process on video, though it is a small tree on a table. I want to shout from the rooftops that I have a Christmas tree and I surely can’t wait to string up the lights and put the small green and gold ornaments on it. And I might have gone just a little bit overboard in the star that changes color on the top. It will probably weigh down the whole tree and make it droop, but I don’t care. It is Christmas and I have a tree!

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