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Childless, not loveless.
Rob and I have been together for almost 11 years now.
We decided a long time ago that we do not want children. A lot of people really don’t understand this and I’m not sure why. I mean, I respect your decision to want to have a family. So why can’t you respect mine to go child free?
When we first got together I was on the fence. I love kids, I always have. My first job was working at a preschool three days a week and I LOVED it. I enjoyed playing games with the kids and running around on the playground with them. I couldn’t wait to have a kid of my own, eventually. I certainly wasn’t looking to conceive at a young age, but I always just assumed I would be a mom some day.
The older I got, the more the thought of becoming a mommy became less and less of a priority. I had lots of friends who already had babies and while I loved helping out with them, I noticed the lack of freedom and didn’t really want that for myself at that age.
“At that age” turned out to not be an age at all. It wasn’t about being a wild kid, or wanting to experience my 20’s at their fullest. I was just not cut out to be a mom.
After first getting together with Rob and getting married, the assumption that I would have kids came back. It was programed into me from birth that you get married and you have babies. We didn’t discuss it other than the fact that we didn’t want to have kids “yet”, so we always used protection.
As the years went by, we had one pregnancy scare that told me I was definitely NOT ready to have kids. That feeling never went away and at 35 years old, it still stands. We have always said that if it happens, it happens. However, we have always taken every precaution to make sure it DOESN’T happen because it isn’t really what we want.
Understand that I have had moments when I have held a friends baby, or watched a sappy movie and I have come away saying to myself that I wanted a baby. That usually lasts all of about three hours and then I come to the realization that I am far to selfish to have a child.
It sounds horrible to say it, I realize that. Here is the bottom line: I love my life. I love being able to call up Rob on a Wednesday saying that I want to go away for the weekend and boom, we do. I love to sleep and can’t function unless I get at least eight hours a night, nor would I want to. I really don’t want to be the person to care for a helpless human life for more than a few hours. I enjoy my life and I don’t want anything messing with it.
That being said, at least I realize how selfish I am. I think it is pretty great that I know that, while I know I could be a good mother, it would end up being a burden in my mind. I’m not afraid to say that while I know I would love my child, I also know I would end up resenting them, and no matter how I tried to hide that from them, kids pick up on that shit. I don’t want to be the reason my child is in therapy 20 years from now.
As an alternative, Rob and I have always had dogs. They are our furry children. They provide us with the unconditional love of a child with less responsibility. I foresee us always having dogs as they bring us great joy without the burden of finding childcare and such and I am okay with that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am a happily married woman, I don’t want to have kids and there is no shame in that.
RENT Audition
Today was a huge day in my life. Today I conquered one of my biggest fears and not only sang in public for strangers but danced as well…
Today was the RENT audition.
Before I go tell today’s tale, however, let me cover another topic that kinda ties in.
I don’t believe I’ve written about it here in this blog but if you know me(and if you didn’t why the hell are you reading my blog???) chances are pretty good you know about the tango I do with a finger infection every few years.
Well I woke up on Wednesday of this week with a sore fingertip. Not on the finger I always get my infection on but the ring finger right next to it. Odd but I didn’t think too much about it. By the end of the day it was swollen and I could see where this was leading so I called my doc and made an appt for the next morning at eleven.
The next morning it was even more swollen and now the tip had turned blue, like there was a large blood blister or something.
Went to the doctor and told her the only thing I could figure was that in trying to grow out my acrylics I had been cutting them really short and something happened from that. She agreed it must have been some trauma to the nail-bed when I cut it recently and said the blue was blood pooled underneath the skin. She didn’t seem all that concerned even though the red line of infection was already creeping down my hand. She gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.
After finally getting my prescription filled I headed back to work but my finger was in some serious pain and pretty much all I could do was cry. I went home early.
That was Thursday. Yesterday I called in sick again and kept waiting for the meds to take effect.
Last night rob and I had a long talk since the line of infection was up passed my elbow and I had some small pain in my armpit. We decided that if it had gotten worse by one in the morning when I had to take my next round of meds he would take me to the ER.
That is the back story.
So when I woke up this morning the infection was no better but no worse. I had a choice to make. Go to the ER or go to the audition. Or as I actually phrased it to myself; go to the audition or take full advantage of this infection as an opportunity to chicken out legitimitely from the thing that was scaring me to death. Let’s face it, if I skipped the auditions in lue of taking care of my finger, there wasn’t a single person that could blame me. It was like the universe was offering me the perfect excuse to blow off everything I had worked for the last couple of months.
It was a very hard decision for me, but in the end I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try to audition.
Today I did what I never thought in a million years that I would do even though I have always wanted to. I auditioned for a play. That means I voluntarily sang and danced in front of people whose whole purpose was to judge me harshly . I conquered a lifelong fear and it was pretty awesome.
Since it was my first time auditioning for anything I did my research. I picked Eva’s brain because she has been through this kinda stuff before and I also emailed the director of the play. I’m glad I did because it made me aware of just how short of a window we were going to have to sing…I was able to fix my song accordingly for maximum belting capacity.
Of course I was the first one there, I didn’t realize that meant I would be the first one to sing but I’m kinda glad now. It was sort of like ripping off the band aid, nice and clean. No time to sit around and worry about forgetting lyrics or being in the wrong key.
The singing took place in front of two people. I thought it would be more but this was fine with me. The room we were in had tiered seating. The director was at the top, me at the bottom with the piano player. I gave the Piano player my sheet music and told him where I would like to begin and off I went. I did the first chorus just like I had rehearsed it. The piano guy went a little bit faster than the background track I had been using but I think I did an okay job at keeping up. When I was done the director said: “I want you to sing this like your heart is being ripped right out of your chest. This isn’t about pretty, I don’t want pretty.”
So I ran through the same chorus singing as best a person can with a vital organ being torn from their body and when I was done the director asked the piano player if he wanted to go over my range.
He said sure and then asked what my range was. I honestly answered that I didn’t know and that this was my first audition. We ran through some lalala’s with the piano and he said that I was an alto and something or other and gave my key range which I wish I remembered. After that the director thanked me and as I was walking up the tiers to leave asked: “This is your first audition?” I said yes and he mumbled, “Odd choice.” I just smiled and said: “Well, RENT is my passion.” and thanked him before walking out the door.
The dance part was next. There were to be two kinds of dancing. One that was choreographed and one that was improvised. The thought of either made me break out into a cold sweat, but I figured I can take direction fairly well so maybe I’d do better on the first one. To tell you the truth that is when I started to tell myself that I had only come to sing and that I didn’t even care if I got the part so why should I have to go through the dance part right? I mean, I had done what I had gone there to do and hey, who wants to spend so much of their summer rehearsing all the time anyway?
I almost had myself convinced but I couldn’t do it. I had to finish this thing till the end, even if that meant making an even bigger fool of myself in front of a large number of people.
There were about 20 of us in the dance group so it was pretty easy to blend into the back when learning the routine…and I use the word “learning” loosely as I never fully got it, but then she broke us up into groups. Curses!
Eventually I didn’t feel like a total klutz even if I didn’t have most of the act down. The director came in and watched us dance in our smaller groups and then came the improv dancing. The song they chose was “Today 4 U” from the broadway soundtrack. The director got all of us on the floor and told us to just go wild as he put the song on. Instantly the dance floor became a club and everyone just started dancing. I found myself getting caught up in it and just grooving. When that was over he had us pair up and come down a line like in the movie Grease and dance at the end of the line until he told us to stop. And then it was over. Turns out that was the funnest part for me. Who knew?
And that was it. Four hours after I got there it was done and I had only preformed for the director a total of three minutes.
As I was leaving the music hall and heading for my car I found a huge smile creeping across my face. “I did it!” I whispered to myself. “I really did it!”
I am fully aware I will probably not get a part in this play and I am perfectly okay with that. I did what I set out to do today and ended up actually having fun. The hugeness of this day for me is really hard to comprehend. It is not a day I will ever forget and I’m so glad I went through with it.
Getting There
With the auditions for RENT looming in the immediate future it was time to meet up with Eva again tonight. When we last met Eva told me that I would need to find a monologue to rehearse and also gave me some tips on my voice.
I’ve been rehearsing the song but more with the original song than with the background track I have. I’ve discovered this might have not been the best idea…but I have another week to work on that. I also had been on the hunt via the internet for a monologue to rehearse. I didn’t like a lot of the ones I found but settled for one that seemed to be fairly simple. The problem was I just never quite jived with it. I could do it, but I found it not as easy to memorize as I thought it would be. I hemmed and hawed for a while. Trying to memorize it but still trying to find a better one. Finally two nights ago I found the one I wanted. It was all about father issues so I could pull from experience. Bonus, there was a youtube video of someone doing the monologue. I’ve always been able to memorize better from audio than visual so that helped a lot.
So tonight, exactly one month later(totally not planned), I headed over there tonight to get her opinion on how I had progressed. But before I get into that I had another huge step for me happen this afternoon.
My girls and I headed out to lunch today, which we try to do once a week or so. On the way back to work the subject of me going to Eva’s tonight came up and so I told them about the monologue I chose and then they asked about the song. I told them it was an Idina Menzel song and Paula said: “Let’s hear it.” and turned the volume down on the radio. I didn’t protest. I thought, how can you go sing in front of a bunch of people you don’t know if you can’t sing in front of your best friends?? With only a second or two of hesitation I launched into the song acapella and sang the first verse and chorus. This was HUGE for me. I always say no when someone asks me to sing without preparation and usually WITH preparation.
As I got back to my desk at work and the shaking subsided I was blessed with the biggest adrenaline high I have had a in a long time. It was pretty amazing. I actually found myself thinking: “I can’t wait to sing for Eva tonight!” 🙂
So I showed up at Deborah and Eva’s a little early. Eva had just woken up and was in her room. So Deborah and I played with the dogs and chatted for a little bit. When Eva came out we talked a bit more and she answered some questions I had about the auditions. Then it was time to sing.
Last time I sang for them I had to face away from them. This time I faced them. I even looked Eva in the eye one or two times. 🙂 When I was done they both told me that they noticed I seemed less nervous and my vibrato was less this time(I’ve been working on that but I wasn’t sure it was working…). Eva gave me a couple more tips and then she sang the songs she was thinking about auditioning with for me. That girl is sooo freaking talented! She has a huge range! I was impressed. Then we sang “Take Me or Leave Me” together(girl duet from RENT). That was fun.
Finally I did my monolouge. I had to read it as it wasn’t totally memorized but when I was done I was happy when Eva said she that it was good and she had no advice for me on it. That was really good to hear because, while I sing all the time, I had never done anything like acting before. It almost made me more nervous than the singing! 🙂
After the hard stuff was out of the way we talked a bit more before I headed home.
Today was a really big day for me. I did a lot in the way of realizing and calming some of my public speaking/singing fears. I’m quite proud of myself actually.
One more week until auditions. Wow.
Re-proposal
Waking up this morning did not appear to be unlike any other weekend morning. I slept in and was awoken when my husband and the dog crawled back in bed. I woke up slowly playing around with the dog and joking with Rob. It is how I usually wake up on the weekends and it is a very pleasant way to wake up.
After wrestling around with the dog I noticed something black hanging from his collar. We had recently put on a “silencer” for his tags that was also black so I thought maybe it had come loose. Upon further inspection I noticed something silver hanging on it.
I was still pretty sleepy so I thought maybe I wasn’t seeing what I thought I was seeing because it looked like a diamond ring hanging on a black Velcro strap.
“What is on his collar?” I asked as I reached closer and picked up the strap as Pappy wiggled around.
Rob was silent.
“What is it?” I finally was able to grasp the ring. There it was. A simple diamond ring on a silver band. Gorgeous!
The back story to this is that when Rob and I 1st got engaged, I used a diamond ring that I had found in my grandmothers jewelry box after her passing as my ring. It was important to me to have that ring but I also used to joke that Rob had gotten off pretty cheap on the the whole engagement ring thing. 🙂
In August of this year Rob and I have been planning to renew our vows for our ten year anniversary.
As I struggled to get the ring off the Velcro strap Rob said that since he never got me an engagement ring the first time, he wanted to give me this ring in hopes that I would marry him all over again.
I immediately teared up and said YES! Of course I would!!! We both got emotional and he finally had to help me with the strap to get the ring off. I removed my anniversary ring and put it on my finger. It is a little snug but actually not a bad fit. (inspiration to drop a few more pounds.)
I couldn’t believe it! I had truly not expecting this at all. I absolutely love it! Moreover, I love that after ten years together that he would still ask me to marry him all over again. I mean, we had only known each other for three months when he proposed the first time. He had no clue what he was getting into with me. Hehe. He has no excuse now after living with me for a decade. 🙂
I love him and am more than happy to take him as my husband all over again.
2009 — A Year In Review
Here is my annual year in review:
In January of 2009 we found ourselves in Santa Cruz enjoying a small weekend vacation with the dog. We had a great time on he boardwalk and Pappy was glad to have been included in the weekend away. 🙂
In February, I walked a five K with my friend Julie in Pacific Grove…it was COLD!
March found us in LA for my very first time seeing RENT live. We also made a weekend out of it, bringing the dog and seeing Universal Studios. We also met up with Rob’s friends Nina and Will, but the highlight was RENT. 🙂
In April I discovered the local library, in turn, saving us thousands in my reading habit. We had a minor scare with Pappy eating an Advil and had to get an emergency vet visit. The best news of all came from me having my final sedation dental appointment and having 20,000 dollars worth of dental work behind us.
May found us mourning the death of Rob’s G’ma Laura and me participating in yet another five K, this time with my friend Paula. Also Rob planned a surprise birthday weekend for us and the dog in Cayucos where I finally met a long time friend of his and her family that we had been conversing with for years.
In June, I am not sure what took place because of my lack of blogging and picture taking. (Hey! It is how I remember shit okay???) 😉
July was a fun filled month as I flew my happy little butt back to Maine for my cousin Sherry’s wedding and had a blast with all my old friends and family. It ended with me completing my first ever 10 K in Santa Cruz.
August started off with Pappy not being able to participate in the competition that won him 3rd place last year because of his territorial issues, and ended with our annual trip to Vegas to see mom for our anniversary.
In September I did yet another five K in Pebble Beach for Rob’s old high school…I managed to shave four minutes off my time from the previous year.
October had me down with the sickness when I caught the flu that everyone at work seemed to have had. Luckily I recovered in time for my friend Megan’s wedding and to travel to San Francisco with my friend Julie to see RENT for the second time. The next day we got to see our friend Melissa finish the Nike Women’s Marathon.
In November we hosted Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever and it was a low carb theme to stay on my diet. A success!! 🙂
December had me realizing my greatest fears as I found out that our local college was going to be putting on the play of RENT.
So that is my year in a very short review. I hope that next year can be even better and happier and I wish that for you and yours as well. 🙂
The first step
I met with my friend Deborah’s daughter Eva tonight. Eva has been in several plays, most of which have been put on by the college that is putting on RENT. A while back Deborah had volunteered Eva to help me with my singing and stage fright. Tonight, I took her up on it.
I was really nervous. This was my first time singing FOR REAL in front of someone other than my husband in many years….well, other than my mom on the phone this weekend. 🙂
They put in my background music CD and allowed me to face away from them while singing.
What I discovered tonight is that the singing that first note is the hardest. I was shaking and sweating the whole way through the song, but I did catch my stride after the first couple of notes. While I may not have sung them all perfectly, I kept going. There was a problem with me singing the bridge because it has a funky part with background singing and lead vocals but I did the best I could and managed to finish the song fairly strong.
And you know what? Once I had done it, once it was over, it was just that. Over. Three little minutes. Three little minutes make me THAT nervous?? I was almost on a high after it was done.
We sat down and Eva gave me some tips and pointers. I have too much vibrato in my voice. I’ve always thought that to be so but no one has ever said anything about it until tonight and I’m glad for it. She said that she has had the same problem in the past and it is possible to reign it in. I just have to learn how. 🙂
Overall, I feel that tonight was successful in many ways. I took the first step in overcoming my fears of singing in public and got not only some positive feedback but some suggestions on how to improve my audition.
I’m very thankful that they allowed me into their home and helped me with something that has been worrying me for quite a while now.
Oh and in case you are wondering, Eva is a fantastic singer and would be a perfect Mimi in RENT. 😀
Scared to Death
I love to sing.
I LOVE to sing!
I sing in the car at the top of my lungs. It is one of the things I truly love to do. So you would think I would be comfortable singing in front of others right?
Ummm…not so much. I feel that I have a semi good voice, but I have always felt, my whole life that I will be judged harshly for my voice.
I guess it comes from when I was a kid…
I never wanted to sing in the school play. I never asked to. But there were certain people in my grade school that got picked to sing and so they did. I remember being a fat kid and hating the attention. This was made so much worse when I would hear the small selection of kids making snarky remarks behind me after I stopped singing in rehearsal.
I don’t know if that created it, or made it worse but whatever it was, it resulted in a severe phobia of singing in public. Now I can sing in the car with other people there. I can sing along with my IPOD when I’m at my desk at work. This is all done at a soft level and because there is the song in the background with a real singer singing, it doesn’t bother me. However, if I were up in front of people with only background music…where you could hear all my perceived mistakes…just the thought makes me want to start shaking and vomit with fear.
This creates quite a problem with someone who loves to sing.
So this brings me to my point…
If you know me, even only a TINY bit, you know that I love the movie/play RENT…I may even be obsessed with it.
So here is the thing. Our local college is putting on the play RENT. The auditions will be taking place in a little more than a month. I have been practicing my song and I am fully aware that I have no shot at a main role in the play. I would be happy to push a broom in this play, just to be a part of it.
So how does a person that is deathly afraid of public speaking/singing get over it? I honestly am at a loss, but I know that if I don’t audition, even if I blow it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I’m seriously thinking about hypnosis or something.
Thoughts?
Visited an old friend today…
It’s hard to believe that Romie has been gone a whole year. It seems like just yesterday we made the hardest decision of our lives to have him put down. But it wasn’t. It was a year ago that we put him out of his pain and into the afterlife.
When we buried Romie in my in-laws back yard, we used a photo frame as a marker on his grave. It was a frame that my friend LaShundia’s children had made for us when Romie was alive. They made one for Pappy too. They were white bones and in the middle they had put a picture of each dog respectively and written their name with pink puffy paint on the top and bottom. My father in law mounted the frame on a metal rod and it has served as the perfect marker(with the help of a large see through plastic bag on the top of it.
The day we buried him, we decided that every Thanksgiving we would come out and visit him and change out his picture for the frame.
That is what we did today.
The ground has grown over nicely. If not for the marker you wouldn’t even know where to look.
Rob changed the photo and tried to keep things light, but my tears flowed anyway. Time has healed. I didn’t think it would at first. Last year I thought I would never stop crying. I thought that the dull ache in my chest would never subside, but it has. I still think of him often. The difference is that it no longer brings a stab of pain at the loss, but rather a smile at the memory of what a good, silly, stupid and funny dog he was.
We miss you, sweet Romie…and we always will.
San Francisco Trip!
I met Julie at her house on Saturday at two in the afternoon like we agreed. We piled into her car and hit the road, making good time into San Francisco.
Thanks to my GPS machine we found the hotel with no problems and got checked in. The hotel was okay. For the price and the location it was actually really good.
We settled into our room and Jewels called Mel. They were down the street at Union Square getting Melissa’s race pack and checking out the freebies they could get due the the race she was going to run the next day. Jewels told them where our hotel was and they walked down.
From there we hung out a bit while the girls checked their facebook accounts on the laptop and then decided to go get dinner…in downtown San Francisco…on a Saturday night…at six o’clock. Yeah, every single place we went into had an hour and a half wait before we could even be seated. So we walked and walked and walked some more, sticking our head in every restaurant along the way to see what the wait time was. Just as we were about to give up we spotted an Irish pub across the street. We jogged over and found there was no wait time at all!! Glorious!!
We got seated, got beer and ordered up some grub. Dre and I got the fish and chips, Melissa got cottage pie and Jewels got a steak. I was very excited that they had mushy peas just like the kind I loved so much in England.
By the time we were done we had just enough time to walk back to the theater, say goodbye to Dre and Mel and hit the restroom before they opened the doors and we took our seats.
I had seen the show earlier this year in LA and of course seen the movie a thousand times but I can never get enough of it. Especially on this tour because it has the original Mark and Roger in it. Our seats were so much closer this time. I sat there telling Julie over and over again how great the seats were and and we were going to be so close to see everything…aaaaaand that is when the tallest man in the world with the largest head on the planet sat down directly in front of me. Okay, this might be a SLIGHT exaggeration but it’s not that far from the truth.
So much of the play had me dipping my head from one side to the other to see everything but it was still spectacular!!!
At the end we all filed out and there was a sign with an arrow that said “This way for autographs”. I knew that Julie had no desire to stand in line and get autographs from the cast but I really regretted not getting any in LA when I had the chance. We stopped outside for Julie to call Dre and see if they wanted to meet for a drink and when we did I discreetly popped myself into the autograph cue. Turns out since Dre and her friend Desiree did want to meet for drinks and they were coming up to meet us we had to wait anyway, why not wait in line right? 😀
I got “Maureen”, “Benny”, and the seasons solo singer(who was also part of the original cast but had been sick during the LA show so I didn’t get to see her on that one) and Anthony Rapp to sign my program. I was so starstruck for that one. I saw him moving down the line and kept thinking “Tell him you loved his book.” but as soon as he came up to us I just stared at him and thrust my program in his face to sign. Sigh. Oh well. 🙂
I thanked the girls profusely for waiting for me to get that one and we left after I got his autograph. I would have loved to get Adam Pascals but I wasn’t sure he was going to make and appearance and if he did I didn’t know when. The girls were nice enough to hang around for me to get Anthony’s so I didn’t want to make them wait any longer.
We made our way back over to the Irish pub where we had eaten dinner and ordered up a round of beers. It was around eleven or so I believe so the crowd was pretty snockered…basically it was a people watchers paradise. The girls ordered another round of beers and I got a Long Beach because I can only drink so much beer. Now, I’m used to ordering this particular drink in casinos. I have never had one outside of a casino so I expected the same watered down, mostly cranberry juice drink. Nope. What she brought me was pure alcohol with a splash of cranberry. By the time I finished that, I was done. My eyes were shutting and we had to walk back to the hotel. Heh.
We tried to hail a cab but after one cabbie made kissing noises at us we decided it was better to walk. 🙂
Once at the hotel, Julie and I called it a night. We had to get up fairly early to meet up with Mel at the finish line of the race and it had been a long day.
The next morning there was some miscommunication on where we were meeting Dre and her friends but it all worked out okay in the end. We lucked into a parking space only a couple of blocks from the finish line and walked down.
It was fun to watch all the racers come through the home stretch, especially Melissa. We caught up with her as she made her way through the throngs of people. She was understandably exhausted and since we had a closer parking space we volunteered to drive her over to their car.
After depositing her safely with Dre we made our trek home, stopping in Morgan Hill for In & Out Burger.
It was a really fun weekend and I had a blast hanging out with these girls and of course seeing RENT.
A light at the end of the tunnel?
Friday night I still had no appetite and the headache from hell, but thanks to sleeping most of the day I was wide awake. So I stayed up watching a marathon of Roseanne on TVLand while coughing, blowing snot and taking my temp. It was back up to a low grade temp of 100.something.
Finally I crawled into bed and slept.
Saturday was spent without much of an appetite watching Gilmore Girls and playing games on Facebook. Nothing held my interest because of the heinous headache I was still fighting but in the early evening I started to feel a bit better. Rob inquired as to what I wanted for dinner and I was so sick of soup and noodles that I asked if we had any frozen pizzas. It just sounded good.
When I woke up nauseated at one this morning I realized I might have made a poor choice. When I had ralphed into the wastebasket in the living room three times I KNEW I had. And through it all the constant fiery headache was there along with the fever that climbed back up to 102. After I threw up the last time I instantly took an advil and a tums and I’m not sure if I was just done or that helped. Either way, I was grateful. Rob got up around four and we watched some old school 90210 on the SOAP network before crawling back into bed around five or so.
I woke up at nine this morning completely soaked. I’m talking I could have rung out my PJ’s and bedding and gotten a gallon of water. Rob was going to the store so I got up and checked my email. I kept marveling to myself how much better I felt until it hit me…my headache was gone. The constant stabbing, agonizing pain in my head that had been there since Wednesday was gone. Not masked slightly by the advil, but GONE! I took my temp and it was 98. Oh glory!
Until it was gone, I had no idea how incapacitating this headache had been. Even now, I am amazed at how much better it feels just not having it.
I’m still stuffy, I’m still coughing and my temp has crept up to 99.7 but even so, I’m pretty certain I have turned a corner and am on the mend. *knocks wood*
I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
