Update on my crazies. :-)
So a little progress report on my weaning off my anti depressants:
I’m down to 20 mg of celexa from 40 mg. I started down by 30 for a few weeks and just started on 20 mgs the end of last week.
There hasn’t been an overwhelming amount of withdrawals yet and I can only imagine that is because I’m still taking a significant amount of the drug. I will admit to being more emotional lately for no apparent reason but that would happen a lot with my full dose of the meds. When I feel the rage start to come in (that’s what it feels like, is just pure rage followed by tears because I cry when I’m frustrated) I am trying to stop and ask myself if the feeling is justified or not. If it isn’t I try to chill out, if it is I let myself feel it and get it out.
For example, last night I couldn’t get an app on my phone link up to my twitter account. Instead of looking up the information on how to do it properly I just kept trying the same thing over and over again knowing full well it wasn’t working until I wanted to huck the damn phone across the room and then chase after it and stomp it to death.
Instead I asked myself if it was really that big of a deal to get the app to work at 8:30 at night when I didn’t even know when I would use it again? No, probably not. So I put the phone aside for a half an hour and when I came back to it I realized exactly what I had to do and fixed it in a few minutes.
On the other side of the coin there was this morning. I left my house at my usual time only to find four white construction trucks blocking the one lane, dead end street that I live on. The drivers were all standing outside their trucks and they all just stared at me, I swear for a full minute, not knowing what to do. Are you kidding me?? I pointed in the direction behind them and they slowly started moving. One got into a truck and moved it a millimeter before getting out and seeing if the additional room he gave me in the one foot space I had to get my car through helped any. Then another one got in another truck and did the same thing. This went on for at least ten minutes before one of my neighbors came out and actually had to start directing them and then me through the tiny space that they were able to free up, literally just leaving an inch on either side to get my car through. All of this insanity made me late for work.
In this instance, I did think my anger and the tears that followed were worth it, so I let myself cry on the way to work. I let it out and then I was fine.
Basically I’m feeling a little less than good, but it seems manageable. I’m going to stay at 20 mg for a while just to let my body get used to it and then I will cut it to 10 and finally wean off altogether. I’m looking forward to no longer being dependent on a pill to determine my mood…I just hope it works.
Theater
I haven’t really hung out with any of my theater friends since 9 to 5 wrapped.
I was having a lot of issues towards the end of that run and I was glad to bid theater ado. It wasn’t theater’s fault it was mine and I just was done dealing with people in general.
I haven’t auditioned for anything since either.
There is a play currently running that stars a bunch of my favorite people and yet I have been putting off seeing it. Twice I have made plans and then backed out on them. I even tried to tonight but my husband was having none of that. I thank him for that.
We went to the show tonight and I felt back at home. Whatever issues I was having during 9 to 5 with my personal life have been resolved and I miss my theater family. Maybe that is the reason itself that I wanted to avoid going. I am always wary of opening up and letting people in my life.
I consider the director of this show one of my closest friends and I hadn’t seen her in months. The mere minutes that we were able to hang out before the show and during intermission felt like home. At the end of the show I was able to hug and hold and talk to, no matter how briefly, the actors that I have come to love and respect and it felt good, and yet hurt at the same time.
I need to stop hiding. I need to embrace my friends again and not care that it means I will have less time to sit on my couch and disconnect with my own reality.
A Life Without Celexa?
As long as I can remember I have been on antidepressants. It’s been so long I don’t even remember the order of them but in the past I’ve been on Prozac, Zoloft, Welbutrin and am currently on Celexa. I’ve been on Celexa since before I met Rob so at least fourteen years. At some point, I just accepted the fact that I will be on them for the rest of my life.
I ran out of my Celexa on Tuesday night, meaning I took my last pill around five on Tuesday. My intention was to stop at the Pharmacy and pick up my refill on the way home from visiting friends Wednesday night therefore I would only miss a couple hours in between doses. Well, I had car trouble that stopped the visit and the stop at the pharmacy. It wasn’t really the thing on my mind after the check engine light went on in my car and it was having trouble shifting(whole other entry right there).
So this morning I got to work and thought of taking my pill, remembering I was out. I evaluated how I felt during the morning and didn’t feel too bad. Nothing out of the ordinary so I got to thinking. What if I just stopped taking it, see what happened? The worst that could happen is I get out of control with my anger and emotions and then go back on it. I’m not exactly a fan of taking a chemical every day to make myself feel better and half the time it didn’t work anyway!
Recently I had started taking a vitamin regimen and was feeling pretty good because of it. It’s a long story but I think I had a vitamin B deficiency and am working on getting that back up to speed. Vitamin B deficiency can cause all the symptoms that I started taking anti depressants for in the first place. So I though with my new vitamin program making me feel better, maybe it’s time to ditch the prescription.
So on my morning break I researched going cold turkey off celexa and the results were less than favorable–especially if you take the maximum dosage, which I have forever. The preferred method is to taper off the dosage slowly until you are at the smallest dosage and then quit it. There will still be withdrawals but they won’t be nearly as severe.
Well, the fact that there are severe withdrawals to not taking this drug was reason enough for me to want to stop taking it. It never occurred to me that this could happen because I take my pill every day and have only missed about a day maximum in between doses.
So tonight I picked up my scrip and took my 40 mg dose. Starting tomorrow I’m going to take 30 mg for a while and eventually cut down to 10 and then off. It’s time to see how my mind and body will react to the real world without chemical protection. I may not like it and my husband may eventually beg me to get back on it for his sake, but I’ve got to try.
I’ll keep you posted.
If you care to read, this is the blog entry I found that convinced me I wanted to wean off the drug.
And this was the article that told me not to do it cold turkey
Funny tale of breaking wind
Our dogs don’t fart. We’ve never heard them or smelled them in all the years we’ve been dog owners. I’ve always thought it a little odd because I’ve known dogs that just let them loose and man do they stink! But our dogs, nary a peep or a smell.
I guess it stands to reason because they are on a pretty steady diet of quality dog food. They don’t get table scraps other than the occasional Cheeze It or whatever that falls on the floor. Good quality in, good quality out I guess.
Shilo gets a lot of dog treats when she’s at Rob’s work all day with him. There are certain co workers that Rob gives a box of dog treats here and there because they like to feed her and try and get her to do tricks and the like. It helps her socialize and gives Rob a little break to bring her around to get said treats.
I just found out that they tried a new brand of treats for her. I was sitting here at the laptop on the couch checking facebook as I tend to do when I get home from work and all was quiet in the house. Shilo was chillin on her dog bed on the opposite and of the couch when I heard the tiniest little toot. Rob was outside and Pappy was in the bedroom so I knew they weren’t the guilty parties. I looked over at Shilo and she had this look of shock on her face before she leaned down and sniffed her own butt looking very disgusted at what she smelled.
I fell out laughing. The whole thing was just priceless!
Needless to say those dog treats are going in the garbage. 🙂
Paid Off!
Yesterday marked the paying off of our second to last credit card. That’s right, only one left and that is looking to be paid off before the end of the year.
- A new mattress. This is a pretty important purchase for us since we both tend to have back issues and “sleep wrong” quite often causing back or neck pain. We’ve had the same mattress since we’ve been together and I don’t know how long Rob had it before that but it’s at least sixteen years old I think. It’s not falling apart my any means but it’s not especially comfortable either. But since we’ve been sleeping on it forever we don’t realize how uncomfortable it is until we stay at a hotel or go camping in the backyard with the air mattress. While I’m at it I will probably splurge on all new bedding since we are overdue for that as well. I think the last time we bought anything it was a “bed in a bag” when we first moved here so that would be 8 years ago next month.
- A new refrigerator. We are currently using the fridge that came with the house so I don’t know how old it is. It’s a standard fridge with the freezer on top and fridge on the bottom. No fancy frills like ice or water but we really don’t need that. The fridge does what it is supposed to do. It keeps the stuff cool/cold and all that but at some point along the way the seal hasn’t kept the tightest grip and we get a condensation problem. Water will drip down from the ceiling of the fridge and pool at the bottom of the fridge. The only reason we discovered this was because one day it had gotten so full it just started pouring out when you opened the door. So now every so often I have to pull out the crisper drawers and sit down next to the fridge with a turkey baster while I pull out all the water and squirt it into a bowl that Rob periodically empties until I am done. I’m sure there is a better way to deal with this problem but this is how we manage it. But now there is a mildew problem developing in the seal and I just don’t even want to deal with that so, new fridge it is!
- Deep Carpet Cleaning. Our dog Pappy is a pisser. He just is. He was well over three years old when we got him at the shelter and he hadn’t been fixed. They say that if a male dog doesn’t get snipped in the first year he will “mark” his territory for the rest of his life. I find this to be true with Pappy. He pees in the house if not watched constantly and he’s at home 8 hours a day while we are at work so you do the math. It’s frustrating but we don’t have a solution to the problem at this point. Our yard isn’t secure to trust him to a doggie door since he is also a runner. We do periodic spot treatments but after six years it’s just time to get some professionals in to do the job right.
- New Computer(s). The “main” computer in the house is about 10 years old and a major source of frustration for my husband. It’s so old and so full that it locks up at the drop of a hat and he spends most of the time on it shutting it down and rebooting it. We both have fairly new laptops but Rob accidentally left his out in the rain one day while he took a nap and while it still functions it needs a separate keyboard to hook into it to type anything thus kind of defeating the portability factor. So while I’m cool with my new laptop, I am flirting with the idea of getting an Ipad Mini just for shits and giggles. However, the main computer will for sure be replaced in the near future.
Those are the top four we are currently thinking of. Of course once we get those major purchases out of the way it’s time to start socking money away and create a little nest egg for our retirement.
It’s nice to think of all the things we are going to be able to buy but the bottom line is that getting out from under all that credit card debt is a huge relief. I never thought I would see the day, but I’m glad I am.
Time to be me.
I’ve had a sinus issue for since mid April. That would be a little over two months of not being able to breathe through my nose. It never turned into a cold, I never started blowing green chunks out of my nose…in fact I didn’t blow out much anything at all. I was just congested. Pretty much completely blocked up 98% of the time. Sleeping was next to impossible, my throat was constantly dry and cracking because I had turned into a permanent mouth breather.
No I didn’t go to the doctor. The only thing the doctor would do would be to prescribe me antibiotics and thanks to my finger infection I am already immune to two different kinds thanks! Besides it wasn’t enough to keep me out of work or anything like that, it was just REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING!
After a while it got me into a funk. I was depressed again. My body actually started hurting from the repetative attempts to sniff air through my nasal passages.
Last week I started myself some general health supplements that the person I work for recommends. Just because I’m getting up there in age and forty is just around the corner you know…
This weekend I noticed that I could breathe. Now, there has also been a major shift in climate here. We’ve gone from our normal weather to hot and humid and that is very unusual for us. So I don’t know if it is the vitamins or the weather or neither one, but holy crap I can breathe again!!!!!
*Quickly knocks wood*
So now I am sleeping better and feeling over all amazing in comparison to the crap that I felt like for the last two months.
The whole time I was miserable I took the attitude that I could eat whatever I wanted and didn’t need to exercise. I felt like crap, might as well look like crap.
So now it’s time to reign that shit in. I had never actually financially quit weight watchers so today I’m starting back up on the points plus program and I’m going to get serious.
I have no theater in my immediate future so there is no reason why I can’t start planning my meals and cooking at night and on the weekends for the week.
I feel good, so why not feel better?
I even started writing again.
I’m working chapter three of a novel I’m hoping to publish. I know nothing about publishing but I’m going to look into it if I ever get the book done just to say I have written a book. It’s always been a dream of mine.
Things are looking up in my neck of the woods and I’m glad.
A Weekend To Myself.
So once a summer a couple that Rob and I are friendly with through the theater throw a great big party at their house in the country. They live even further out than we do. It’s only ten miles away from our house but it feels like way more.
Rob attended last year alone because I had theater commitments. He said it was HOT! Stifling hot, with no breeze. And while he enjoyed himself there was a long period of boredom on that Saturday for him because he hadn’t been prepared for the heat. He had been prepared to take a nap in the tent but the heat proved that not to be an option. So he read. My husband doesn’t read, so you KNEW he had to be bored. That night however there was much music jamming and he was a happy guy.
I had no theater commitments this year but given his account of the heat and boredom I opted to stay home with the dogs this time. It saved us from either having to burden his parents with watching the dogs or paying money to board them at the vets. I wasn’t that into the idea of camping in 100 degree weather and then watching a bunch of people play music.
So last night we stopped at the market and got sandwiches. One or Rob so he would have a good hearty dinner that night and one for me so I wouldn’t have to cook. We came home and Rob packed everything up for his camping trip.
In doing so he made a lot of noise. Loud banging and grunting and exclamations. None of this was bad but all of a sudden Pappy jumped up on the couch and clung to my side. He could not be consoled. The nearest I can figure is he thought Rob was mad and it made him nervous. He is a very sensitive little dog. As I’ve said before, we think he was abused at the hands of a man before we adopted him. We don’t know for sure of course, but when we first got him you couldn’t move your hands too fast around him or he would crouch in fear. You also couldn’t touch his tail, ears or feet without him snapping at you. He has come a long way over the years of us loving him but last night only validated our thoughts of abuse. He was so scared that Rob was mad that he wouldn’t leave my lap, constantly licking at any part of me that he could get(he licks when he’s nervous).
Finally I made mention to Rob of what was happening and he came over and sat with us on the couch. Pappy allowed him to pet him from where he was on my lap but wouldn’t go towards him at all. Poor little guy.
Rob eventually left and the dogs then kept vigil at the door waiting for him to return for about fifteen minutes. After that they got up on the couch and looked at me accusingly as if to ask what I had done to drive their father away. Finally they settled in and we watched Glee all night. It isn’t one of Rob’s favorite shows so it was nice to know I could watch it without bothering him.
This morning the dogs woke up to their internal alarm clocks as they always do at five thirty AM. Normally Rob gets up and feeds them and takes them out but with him not here I realized I had to haul my lazy ass out of bed. I took them out and then fed them and put myself back to bed. The dogs wrestled next to me for a while and I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a bit until they settled down so I read until about seven and then fell back asleep.
Woke around nine thirty. I didn’t want to, but the dogs decided it was time to go back outside again.
I ate some of my leftover sandwich and then played Candy Crush Saga for like an hour and a half(SHUT UP! It’s addicting!). After eleven I knew the library was open so I hopped in the car and headed over there but even though their website said they had the book I wanted, they did not so I grabbed a copy of “Sh*t My Dad Says” for bathroom reading and came home.
The rest of the day has been pretty unexciting. I scooped the poop in the yard and then cut down all the grape leaves along our fence. A shower and redesigned the layout for this blog. The rest of the night should prove relaxing and uneventful. I plan on finishing Mockingjay and going to bed early. This sinus thing has come back with a vengeance and I’m not happy about that.
Sooooo, in review:
I totally take for granted the fact that Rob gets up with the dogs every morning -even weekends- and let’s me sleep in as late as I possibly can.
Also I find myself jumping at shadows and locking the door every single time I come back in. It’s worth noting that when I was outside picking dog poop the metal fence gate thingie that closes off our driveway opened about a foot and then slammed shut on it’s own. THERE WAS NO ONE THERE! That really kinda freaked me out. *shudder*
In general the time to myself is good, but I kinda miss having him to talk to. Even when I took weekends to myself in a hotel room I would call him or text him. Right now he has no phone coverage where he is. 🙁 Yeah, after almost 14 years together even less than two days apart and I miss him. <3
Books, Sweet Books
I know I’ve touched on this before but I just have to talk about it again today. Maybe because bookstores are becoming a thing of the past and it has become the norm to have your nose buried in an electronic device now but…
In a time long ago, in a land far away. Long before Kindles and Nooks and even Barnes and Nobles…there was The Library.
You go in and you tell them a little about yourself and they give you this little card. It doesn’t seem like much but this little card is the gateway to a world of fun, knowledge and amazement.
We recently joined Amazon Prime. With the subscription comes some perks and one of them is streaming video like Netflix. Using that perk, I watched the movie Hunger Games and really fell in love with it. Learning there was a sequel in the making I discovered that using Amazon Prime you could get one free Kindle download a month so I downloaded the second book Catching Fire and ate it up within a week.
I finished the book last night and since I’m not ready to download another book to my kindle yet, I thought about the library I had visited so often in the past. Before I got caught up with theater and marathons. I called them today and they had the third and final book in stock. Given that the Library is a mile from my house and the closest bookstore is probably more like fifty, it was really convenient to stop on the way home and pick up the copy of Mockingjay.
When I got home, I held the book in my hands and marveled at it.
I truly appreciate technology. I love that I can contact my best friend at a moments notice while on the road in another state. I love that social networks can keep me in touch with family that lives 3000 miles away. And I adore the fact that no matter where I am I can download a movie or book to my phone or Kindle.
Having said that, there is nothing quite like holding an actual book in your hand. Turning the pages and reading off the thick creamy paper. Reading through sickness or insomnia without ever having to worry about the battery dying or anything malfunctioning. And maybe just falling asleep with your head near the book and never having to worry about radioactive activity leeching into your brain.
Just imagine…
At my office we play the lottery twice a week. It is not mandatory and I shudder to think of the amount of money I have actually put into it over all these years (please do NOT do the math for me, I am purposely blocking it out!) but I have to play it. It’s the same reason my mom had to play it every week when I was growing up. It’s the dream of “what if?” What if I don’t play and we win this week?
My favorite game to play is “What would you do if you won the lottery?” I’ve been playing this game since I was a kid, fueled by my mother’s dreams of winning the Megabucks lotto when we lived in Maine. It is an extremely fun game to play and I am pretty sure that anyone who has ever bought an actual lottery ticket has played this game. Even if you don’t actually gamble, you can still play the game, you just won’t have that hope in the back of your mind that it could actually come true.
The first thing I would do if I won the lottery would be to keep it as secret as possible. I have heard the horror stories of all the family and “friends” that come crawling out of the woodwork when you hit it big financially. I know who my friends are and I know who I will want to help. I’m generally a good hearted person and I want to help out people when I can but if I were to give money to every sad sack story that came my way from people I said hi to once when I was 14 years old, I wouldn’t have any money left over. I don’t know how logistically it would work to keep a big financial windfall secret, especially if it came by way of something so public as the lottery, but I would sure try. On another note, I would also try my hardest not to turn into a total bitch. There is a fine line between weeding out the people that are simply out to make a quick buck of your good fortune and being an ice queen with a heart of stone. Having said that, I’m sure I would have to develop a thicker skin because the people that I might refuse help to would probably not be the nicest to me after I say no.
Wow, I can easily see how some people say that they wish they never won the lottery. There are sure a lot of these things to think about. But enough of the negative! Let’s get on to the fun part of the game!
One of my first orders of business would be to get my Mom set up in the best assisted living apartment money could buy, pay off any debt she might still have and set her up with an accountant to work with her on a living allowance.
I would buy our house from Rob’s parents and pay SOMEONE ELSE to renovate the upper and lower cabins, maybe the main house too while Rob and I stay at a luxury hotel. Hmmm…that sounds nice.
I would buy my brother and his wife a house in the location of their choice, as well as making sure Rob’s family had everything that they might need.
Now that I have helped out our families, here comes the fun stuff! I would travel. EVERYWHERE! Europe, Cruises, Road trips across the states in an RV…yes please! All of the above and more.
When I had gotten my fill of traveling I would probably have to take a volunteer or part time job because after a while sitting on the couch watching TV or crocheting would start to make me a little batty. I would love to volunteer at a no kill animal shelter, or even better start a rescue farm for dogs. I would for sure pursue my wannabe hobby of photography. I love taking pictures but camera equipment is so expensive! Not a problem when you are a millionaire!
I would buy Rob his own recording studio so he could play and record his guitar to his heart’s content.
There would of course be a personal trainer and a private chef so that I would finally get the body I’ve always wanted without having to do all the prep and cooking work.
I would probably own a ridiculous about of dogs from volunteering at the shelter and all of those dogs would only know love and luxury.
And more traveling.
*sigh* I need to start buying more lottery tickets. 🙂
Happy 39th Birthday To Me!
When you are a kid, birthdays are the shit. I mean you count down the days starting seven months ahead because you get to be the center of attention, you get cake and you get gifts! Why wouldn’t it be?
As a teenager you are counting the years til something something important happens. Thirteen means you are officially a teenager. The sweet sixteen means you can get your drivers license and of course 18 means your an adult and can vote. For those of us that didn’t already have fake id’s, 21 means you can buy booze and hit the bars.
After that you start to lose sight of things to look forward to. After 30 most people aren’t looking forward to the milestones of 40 or 50 and the black over the hill balloons that will probably find their way into your celebration.
I can’t remember the last time I had a birthday party. After a while it just didn’t seem important. It seems that as a “grown up” when you spout off about your birthday people see it as a desperate bid for attention. At exactly what age did that happen?
Why is it socially acceptable to shout from the rooftops that your birthday is coming up when you are five but 30 years later it’s not as cute? I’m still celebrating the day I was born. I’m still another year older. I can just no longer count the years one hand…or two for that matter.
If anything I should be celebrating that I’m another year wiser. That I managed to make it this far without completely destroying myself *knocks wood*.
Today I turned 39. After that it’s the big Four Oh. Remember when that was just ancient? It doesn’t seem that long ago.
I’ve come a LONG way from the confused angsty teenager and the rebel in her early 20’s. I’m approaching middle age but look at what I’ve accomplished. As a jaded 20 something I never thought I would get married because “all men are dogs”. Now I will be celebrating 13 years of marriage to a wonderful man this August. I’ve gone from wondering if I would ever be able to afford to move out of my mothers house to being fairly financially comfortable. I’ve gone from an insecure child/teen who always wanted to just be liked to an adult with a wonderful group of friends and family that support me in whatever I do. I went from a child/teen that only ever dreamed of being a singer and or actress while knowing it could never happen to a woman that might not be famous, but is living out her childhood dream on a stage in Monterey.
So maybe instead of dreading those black balloons, wrinkles and gray hairs to come, maybe it’s time to look at them as achievements.
Okay enough of that…Here’s a recap of my Birthday!
This Saturday is Rob’s dad’s birthday so last night we had a combined dinner out in Watsonville at a place called CHOP’S near the airport. Great dinner and great company. Rob’s sister brought us the most decadent cake I’ve ever had. It was chocolate cake with a caramel filling on the bottom layer and two other chocolate fillings. Plus chocolate frosting and chocolate ganache on top. SOOOOOO GOOOD!!!!!
This morning I got to work and my Paula had bought me the most yummiest breakfast that I wolfed down in no time flat. Michaelle had made me cupcakes 
and gave me this super awesome mousepad that had a picture of my doggies on it.(forgot to bring it home, will take a pic tomorrow)
Rob took me out to lunch at the Golden Tee restaurant at the airport. We split a bowl of clam chowder with a basket of bread and then got the Snicker’s Pie for desert. Heaven!!
He also gave me the present he got me, which was the most awesome present in all of the awesome world of presents!!
We got home and Rob revealed one last gift. Another Amazon wishlist gem from my friend Koly.
And as I sat down to write this blog I got the best gift of all. The one I get every night when I sit down to check my email or facebook.
The gift of Puppy kisses:
About Me
I am a 50 something married woman living in California.
I enjoy music and traveling, watching crap movies, snuggling with my two adorable dogs and trying to be a good person.
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